Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Beyond the First Year (1+ years) => Topic started by: RyanAmysMom on June 01, 2017, 07:30:47 PM

Title: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: RyanAmysMom on June 01, 2017, 07:30:47 PM
So, DH passed while we were on family vacation almost 2 years ago.  He died in a place that I had vacationed every summer of my childhood, and where we honeymooned, and where we'd vacation as a family every year.....  It's my peaceful place, my recovery place.... but it's also the place where he passed, in public....  And I haven't been back...  When DH passed, we were vacationing with our 2 kids, and my parents had tagged along.....

So later this week, my parents, kids, and I will return to our vacation spot for the first time since DH passed.  I'm full of anxiety and cry every time I think about it..... 

I have found that as "landmark" dates approach, I get upset, and then those landmark dates are usually easier to deal with than I expect.... for example, Christmas, birthdays, etc.....
So I'm hoping that this will go well, also..... but I can't help but think I'm going to relive that night over and over again while we're near there..... 

Any advice? 
Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: Julester3 on June 01, 2017, 10:17:24 PM
Just be kind to yourself. Don't push yourself if you don't think you can take going to certain places. Try changing your approach to a location like using a door to a building you'd normally wouldn't use, etc. My husband died at his tennis club. I can drive there and sit outside the club or go to the outdoor courts but I can't physically go inside the club yet and you know what? That's okay. I can get close but I don't have to trigger myself to a point where recovery will be hard and too painful. You'll kind of know what you can handle - listen to your instincts. Hugs to you and your family.
Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: Portside on June 01, 2017, 10:37:16 PM
I'm the sort that tries to face that sort of fear head on.

My late wife shot herself in our bedroom while the boys and I were out. I slept in there that night. Well, didn't sleep - rather stared at the ceiling all night. In any case, hard as it was, it became easier every day after that.

The first time will be the hardest but try to do it - it's a major step towards healing.

Good luck - Mike
Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: serpico on June 02, 2017, 10:04:31 AM
Apparently I'm a lot like portside.  I drove by the site of my wife's accident many times in the first few months after it happened.  I could have taken different routes but I intentionally did it to make things 'more real' in my mind and because I didn't want to give that intersection any power over me.
Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: Helena on June 03, 2017, 01:25:17 AM
Almost 2 years ago my husband died when we were out swimming. The day after I went to the lake again. I knew I had to do it and I have been there several times after, even swimming last summer. We have a summer house nearby so we have to return and on hot days you want to go swimming. I canĀ“t let my husbands death ruin that beautiful place by the lake. I know my husband wants us to keep on living and he wants his children to enjoy that lake he himself enjoyed as a child and as an adult.
Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: RyanAmysMom on June 03, 2017, 11:24:16 AM
Helena - exactly.  I need to take away the power of one moment and let a lifetime of good memories flood...... 
Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: RyanAmysMom on June 05, 2017, 09:19:16 PM
Well, we're here - I've had some tears, but overall, I'm surviving - it's not as bad as I anticipated!  The first moments here were really rough though:  Got out of the car and heard an ambulance right outside the hotel - not a good moment for me!  But.... making new happy memories with my family!
Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 06, 2017, 12:49:59 AM
Way to go RAM!  I have discovered over time that a lot of times the anticipation turns out to be worse than the actual event. The timing of the ambulance certainly doesn't help.  You did it and now its time as you say "making new happy memories with my family"!!
Hugs and blessing to you and your family!
Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: RyanAmysMom on June 07, 2017, 06:54:38 PM
So.... throughout the trip, there were a couple of little "signs" from DH......... 

We were out and about yesterday and a butterfly landed on my finger and wouldn't leave.....  I've never EVER put any stock in the whole "butterflies are our loved ones" belief... but now......  hm.....

And then, I was in a restaurant, went to the bathroom, and heard the song "Time For Me To Fly" from REO - most of the song doesn't apply, but the chorus...  seriously....  Thanks dear... 

Title: Re: It's almost been 2 years.... going back for the first time...
Post by: Julester3 on June 07, 2017, 10:13:41 PM
Those sound like good positive signs. :)