Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Social Encounters => Topic started by: RyanAmysMom on June 10, 2017, 12:39:46 AM

Title: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: RyanAmysMom on June 10, 2017, 12:39:46 AM
Ok- here's my situation....
It's been 2 years since DH passed.... and much, much longer than that since I was really "satisfied."
I'm dying here.........  (sound familiar?!?)

So, I was recently having a text conversation with a friend, and I told him I was looking for trouble.  He replied, are you sure?  And I said, yep.  So he commented something like, I'll bring it if you're really interested......  So I again replied, yep.  He replied, tell me more... so I did.....  Told him that  was ready to date.....  His next text was.... "I'm busy.....will text in a few minutes"

That was a month ago.  No texts since then.....

So... did I not make myself clear?  I'm not interested in chasing this dude.....  He "likes" or comments on everything I put in Facebook - so....  what should I do?  Leave it alone?  Is he just not interested?  Do I call him on it?  Ugh........... 

Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: trying2breathe on June 10, 2017, 08:48:30 AM
Maybe he's scared?  I think I'd leave this one alone, surely there are plenty of others where you can find some trouble  :D
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 10, 2017, 08:56:13 AM
I am agreeing with Trying.  You've been clear so if he doesn't want to respond that's his loss! :)
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Portside on June 10, 2017, 11:52:58 AM

So... did I not make myself clear?  I'm not interested in chasing this dude.....  He "likes" or comments on everything I put in Facebook - so....  what should I do?  Leave it alone?  Is he just not interested?  Do I call him on it? 

Amazing to me that this man's behavior is not understood. I know it's difficult to believe this but take it from a guy -

Vegas man is treating you as you asked to be treated - that is, a no challenge notch on his headboard to be called upon when the mood suits him, not you.

To be even blunter, and to answer a question not asked but I think important, no, he doesn't respect you. You didn't require that so he will not offer it.

T2B is correct, there are lots of other men that will be happy to offer you the 'trouble' you seek without adding in those pesky items of dignity or respect.

But just remember the rules - when it blows up, and it will, no whining allowed.

Good luck - Mike

Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: adp on June 10, 2017, 12:37:24 PM

So... did I not make myself clear?  I'm not interested in chasing this dude.....  He "likes" or comments on everything I put in Facebook - so....  what should I do?  Leave it alone?  Is he just not interested?  Do I call him on it? 

Amazing to me that this man's behavior is not understood. I know it's difficult to believe this but take it from a guy -

Vegas man is treating you as you asked to be treated - that is, a no challenge notch on his headboard to be called upon when the mood suits him, not you.

To be even blunter, and to answer a question not asked but I think important, no, he doesn't respect you. You didn't require that so he will not offer it.

T2B is correct, there are lots of other men that will be happy to offer you the 'trouble' you seek without adding in those pesky items of dignity or respect.

But just remember the rules - when it blows up, and it will, no whining allowed.

Good luck - Mike

Where does the OP say that that was how she was asking to be treated? Where does she ever in this post set out the parameters around any encounter that might have occurred? Where does she say his respect wouldn't have been required? Why is it always the woman who has to earn the man's respect? Perhaps he should also have to demonstrate that he deserves her respect?
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Momtojandj on June 10, 2017, 01:04:35 PM
My two cents , it looks like you were looking for sex from him not dating . I would let it go. I honestly believe if a guy is interested , he will pursue .
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: MissingJoan on June 10, 2017, 04:21:13 PM


Amazing to me that this man's behavior is not understood. I know it's difficult to believe this but take it from a guy male chauvinist -

Vegas man is treating you as you asked to be treated - that is, a no challenge notch on his headboard to be called upon when the mood suits him, not you.

To be even blunter, and to answer a question not asked but I think important, no, he doesn't respect you. You didn't require that so he will not offer it.

There, fixed that for you, Mike.


To the OP, no telling what your friend's silence (at least in texting you back) means ... maybe he had a little buzz going in Vegas and engaged in a little flirting, maybe he's not interested in you that way, maybe he just forgot to text you back ... who knows? I wouldn't pursue it though, just carry on like normal. The ball is in his court now.

The thing I do know is that you did nothing wrong. You're a consenting adult and he's a consenting adult. And, no matter what the outcome, you're permitted to whine about it all you want.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 10, 2017, 04:30:06 PM
Well stated MissingJoan, more like BAM!! You nailed it!!
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: TooSoon on June 10, 2017, 08:21:07 PM


Amazing to me that this man's behavior is not understood. I know it's difficult to believe this but take it from a guy male chauvinist -

Vegas man is treating you as you asked to be treated - that is, a no challenge notch on his headboard to be called upon when the mood suits him, not you.

To be even blunter, and to answer a question not asked but I think important, no, he doesn't respect you. You didn't require that so he will not offer it.

There, fixed that for you, Mike.


To the OP, no telling what your friend's silence (at least in texting you back) means ... maybe he had a little buzz going in Vegas and engaged in a little flirting, maybe he's not interested in you that way, maybe he just forgot to text you back ... who knows? I wouldn't pursue it though, just carry on like normal. The ball is in his court now.

The thing I do know is that you did nothing wrong. You're a consenting adult and he's a consenting adult. And, no matter what the outcome, you're permitted to whine about it all you want.

Yes.  This exactly.  You're trying to sort things out.  This is the place to do it.  Don't listen to Portside.  We are here to be a cushion for you, no matter what choices you make as you try to find your way forward.  We will offer advice but most of us will never judge you and will certainly not tell you not to "whine."  god knows I've come here "whining" when I was in need dozens of times. 

Get a grip, Portside, or get with the times.  Your constantly telling women their self-respect is in a man's hands is pretty goddamn archaic.  The women on this message board come here to try to figure out who they are going to be in a brave new world that, quite frankly, is different from the world of widowers (I could go further with white male privilege but at this point wont).  Just cut it out.   
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: RyanAmysMom on June 10, 2017, 08:25:33 PM
I appreciate all of the input - As always, there is more to the story than I'd put in a couple of paragraphs.... 

I don't disagree that I made myself available..... and perhaps that's not the most tasteful thing to do.... 

The backstory that I didn't share is this:  This man called me 3 months after DH passed and let me know that when I was ready, he wanted to date me.  And then he has proceeded to send flowers, flirt, and call regularly.....  Now it's 2 years later, and I'm ready, and he's not following through.....  It's just confusing to me......  I just wish I could read his mind - and as I already stated, I'm not going to chase him.... 

I just really wanted to unload the thoughts that I really can't share with my family and friends who think I haven't waited long enough................... 
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 10, 2017, 09:06:17 PM
RAM I would just like to chime in and remind you that's what we are here for!! Although some may not agree with your choices, that's not theirs to choose or judge.  This board is not here to judge, we've been over judged by those that are DGI's.  Some that are not so early maybe forget how it is/feels and I'm so sorry for that to you.  Keep coming back please!  Many of us get you!
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: RyanAmysMom on June 10, 2017, 10:46:06 PM
And for the record, I don't disagree with the comments that the men on this post are making.  I think it's ugly when a woman throws herself at a man - and when a woman is acting "cheap"....  especially when it's just cheap, anonymous sex.....

But I also recognize that there is often more to the story - more to the relationship - more to the situation.... 

And sometimes it's just cheap sex. 

And sometimes both parties don't feel good about things afterward. 

(I personally hate the stereotype that a man can go to a bar and pick up a woman and take her home for a night and he's a stud.... but that same woman is a whore.....) 
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: serpico on June 10, 2017, 11:20:10 PM
I appreciate hearing your feedback, RyanAmysMom, and I'm glad to hear you got something out of ALL the input on this thread.  In the first year after my wife was killed I made some really dumb decisions and discussed some of them on this board's predecessor, YWBB.  Some of the responses I got weren't exactly touchy-feely and they certainly didn't tell me that I did nothing wrong. Just because we are widows doesn't mean we're incapable of doing wrong, after all, and I found that it helped me tremendously to be called on my mistakes, even if it was sometimes painful.

Ours is a difficult journey and we all do dumb things, but those things don't define us.  I hope you continue to ask for input and consider what you hear from everyone here.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Mrskro on June 11, 2017, 06:52:05 AM
My 2 cents, there is a huge difference between going out picking up a stranger for a one night stand and texting a friend even saying you're looking for trouble and saying you want to date.  But.  Everyone's definition of casual sex is wildly different.   

Either way though, neither choice should be tied to your dignity and self respect.   Other people's opinion of my sex life is really their problem and none of my business.   Not that I have a sex life. :(

I have, had a guy like vegas guy.    Was all over wanting to date me until I said I was ready and then ghosted.   He still pops up every now and then and I have no idea what he's trying to accomplish. 

I'm not interesting in pursuing a guy that doesn't know what he wants   

Good luck!    Being single over 40 sucks.   
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Bunny on June 11, 2017, 11:06:04 AM
I dunno, I guess I must run around in some different kinda circles as I know plenty of happily married women who, before they settled down into their faithful decades of matrimony, sowed some serious wild oats. I know men who did this also. These are folks I love and respect and consider good people- they are honest, earnest, productive members of society who have also slept with perfect strangers. It has honestly never occurred to me to think less of anyone for this. But then, I slept with my husband on our first date so what can you expect, right?  ;)

As for this guy- who knows what's up? From my casual perusal of the dating threads on here, it seems pretty common for both men and women to ghost/flake out without any reason given whatsoever. I wouldn't take it personally.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Metv on June 11, 2017, 11:14:07 PM
I wouldn't even try to give advise on this but perhaps your time would be much more valuable looking elsewhere.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Metv on June 11, 2017, 11:16:27 PM
Add to say not all men behave in such childish manners, there are very honest real men still around. After widowing life takes many unexpected turns. Big difference between a man and a boy.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Mrs Reader on June 12, 2017, 03:36:11 AM
A month is a month, forget the guy. You want someone who is after you, not the other way around.
Don't waste you time even thinking about him, I would say.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Mizpah on June 12, 2017, 09:30:14 AM
I'm going to say this on every single thread on which it's relevant:

It's not "touchy feely" to say that wanting to have sex, or wanting to have sex without a relationship, (or actually going ahead and having sex) does not mean you lack dignity or self-respect. 


I don't care how many times I have to say it.  I'm going to keep saying it.  I really don't understand the connection between private consensual physical enjoyment of yourself and another, a natural human urge, with morality or shame or self-esteem or self-respect.  To me, there is nothing shameful about sex.

(Chasing or throwing oneself at a person who is not interested is not what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about sex without emotions/commitment/relationship.)

Edited, in response to a friend who will remain nameless calling me on this, to add: I realize that to some people, sex and shame ARE all tangled up, and I realize that to some people, "casual" sex is not "respectable."  I'm not saying I speak for anyone other than myself.  I personally cannot understand the shame.  I personally believe it shouldn't be.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: jgib on June 12, 2017, 11:00:48 AM
I truly think this is not about what is 'right' but right for each individual.  We are all different....upbringing, values, environment, genes.....all different.
I enjoy sex a great deal but for it to be really good for me I require an emotional connection as well.  This means I choose not to have one night stands or casual sex.  I like to know and connect with my partner and that takes a bit of time.  Like I say, that is what works for me personally and I get for others it is the opposite.
I think we get enough judgment through this whole process, we don't need it from each other here.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Metv on June 12, 2017, 11:41:16 AM
 I wouldn't pursue someone who either doesn't regularly respond to advances (for lack of a better word), or who sees it as a game of conquest. Seems he is really not reading OP's message as sincere. Plenty of more mature people around, seems just to be that he wants to be chased, or simply wants a sext buddy.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: MrsDan on June 12, 2017, 02:01:55 PM
It's interesting to me that a lot of the opinions given on this thread, and similar ones operate from the assumption that sex purely for sex's sake is automatically cheap. I don't agree. Although it's not really my cup of tea, it's not a bad thing. Being cool with it, or wanting it, does not equate to a lack of self respect. That's just really simplistic reasoning.

Op, this guy just sounds like a tease. That's not a reflection on you, it's on him. I think you should forget about him. But don't let it tarnish your view of yourself.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Metv on June 14, 2017, 09:12:54 AM
Right now I wouldn't mind having a-n-y sex
I'm so forgiving, I'll even forgive myself in the morning : /
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: daysofelijah on June 14, 2017, 04:34:28 PM
I had to start dating at about 2.5 years out (+ at least a year before that). And yes, the need for physical intimacy was basically the main reason. This coming from someone who had only ever been with my DH. So don't feel bad about that, I know how it is.

The guy you are talking to sounds like the wrong one though. I did Match and lucked out and met a good guy. Good luck with finding someone who can help you and also be there for you in the ways you need. Don't settle.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Bear Shannon on July 18, 2017, 05:55:21 PM
He's a dumb ass. Boys are stupid. Maybe it's time to try men. So, you like older dudes?  8)  ::) 8)
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: RyanAmysMom on July 18, 2017, 11:23:06 PM
He's a dumb ass. Boys are stupid. Maybe it's time to try men. So, you like older dudes?  8)  ::) 8)

Oh, Bear!  You crack me up! 

But you're exactly right - he's a dumb ass - I asked him very directly what in the hell happened, and he admitted that he felt he was in over his head - I don't have time for games......

So.......  older dudes?  Depends on how old!  I'm a very young 45, and I'm convinced that men just don't mature past age 14....  even my LH never really did! 
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Bear Shannon on July 19, 2017, 09:28:02 PM
Quote
So.......  older dudes?  Depends on how old!  I'm a very young 45, and I'm convinced that men just don't mature past age 14....  even my LH never really did!

Kinda true. I just turned 61.  8)
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Missmybecky on July 21, 2017, 10:37:02 AM
Girls are too!
I met a girl through mutual friends last fall, turns out we went to the same highschool but didn't know each other. I was seeing someone else at the time, that relationship ended in March. She is a single mom of 2 and we became friends, mostly because she is fun and likes to do the same things that I do. We started to do a lot of things together and talk and text daily. We get along great, make each other laugh, and are in a similar life situation. She started to get close and then almost as fast she started to pull away. When I tell her that I am interested in her she tells me that she wants to be friends, recently she told me that I was starting to make her uncomfortable, but she led me on pretty heavily. I have a strong feeling that she is looking for someone to "save" her and she keeps a lot of guys on the back burner. So it goes. What sucks is we have a lot common friends and they feel the need to reach out to me and tell me that her and I would make a cute couple.  >:(
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Monique on July 21, 2017, 02:20:45 PM
Missmybecky, are you sure she realized you were attracted to her? I've been guilty of doing that same thing to guys before when I suddenly realized they were interested in more than just friendship. It's not the nicest thing to do to someone, but sometimes I just panic.
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: RyanAmysMom on July 21, 2017, 07:49:45 PM
MissmyBecky - I totally agree!  I'm not perfect either!  I admit to having toyed with boys when I was younger - just like what you're describing......  I just can't see doing it as a grown adult....  Sorry that's happening to you!
Title: Re: Boys are stupid........ (sorry)
Post by: Missmybecky on July 22, 2017, 02:30:35 PM
Hi Monique,
Yes, I am sure. I used to ask her questions to get a response and start a conversation. I remember sending her a text a month or more ago and she replied "random." to which I replied, I'm just interested in you.

This is going to be weird, I am just going to have to get over it. My friends that introduced us are my buddies for over 25 years and she has other mutual friends with me, so I will be seeing a lot of her.