Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Beyond Active Grieving => Topic started by: BrokenHeart2 on July 11, 2017, 04:33:34 PM

Title: The house and WTF
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 11, 2017, 04:33:34 PM
So I finally did it.  Today I had my second visit with the lawyer, signed all the papers and the house is in my name only now.  On the way home I felt like I have betrayed him by taking his name off the deed.  How insane is that?  I cried all the way home.  WTF, it's been a bit over 4 years and I'm still feeling this crazy shit. As hard as it's going to be, I am even more convinced that it will be good for me when I sell and find a house in town.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: Trying on July 11, 2017, 08:15:19 PM
I remember crying at the DMV when I took his name off of the car and boat.  I get it.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: Bunny on July 11, 2017, 08:49:00 PM
Yup. Totally cried when I took his name off the vehicles.

Congrats on getting it done...
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: Needytoo on July 12, 2017, 05:39:34 AM
I had a hard time with that as well. Hugs to you.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: Metv on July 12, 2017, 11:31:58 AM
BH glad all went well. I never took DW off the deed. As far as my lawyer said as long as I have the death certificate and surrogate letter it can be done by notary at closing should I sell. Too much has been going on, and everybody seems to want $$ for changing it to my name only. I've done extensive work on it (the house). As far as upkeep and repairs. Seems it's a never ending struggle when widowed and all the things we have to do. Don't ever feel guilty, I'm sure it will make things easier should you sell and move. And for me it adds to the bucket list. Dumb thing I gotta do.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: MR on July 12, 2017, 11:57:04 AM
I removed her name from deed (I was forced by insurance company as incase of damage money will go in estate etc). Removing her name from bank account, her company etc was emotional pain but had to do it more I prolong more painful it might be.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: Wheelerswife on July 12, 2017, 12:27:20 PM
I'm moving out of our house (will be renting it for now) and closing our joint checking account.  I think the deed is in my name now...I should check.  My lawyer was supposed to do that 3 years ago.


It's all hard.

Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 12, 2017, 01:21:49 PM
Thanks folks.  Yeah it is hard. I guess I just didn't expect my reaction and it took me for a loop. I do feel better that it is finally done!
Hug to you all!!
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: JeanGenie on July 13, 2017, 05:21:36 AM
I'm sorry this hit you so hard. It still amazes me at 4 years out what triggers the tears, but then again, I'm guess I'm not surprised. This instance at least makes sense to me...removing his name from one more thing. Just like easy, so sad.

So, DH's name is still on the house, bank account, cable bill, phone, and electric. Was I supposed to change these? Oops!
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: sojourner on July 13, 2017, 11:35:42 PM
Feeling it with you, bk2. It hit so hard, taking his name off our life together, basically. Alot of it I had to do early on, for economic reasons, which was an extra twist of the knife. But some things continue to come up, and every time something new comes up, it can hit me like he just died this morning. Sucker punch out of nowhere, and I'm back there in the darkest of the dark times again, for that moment. I'm at just over 3 years now.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: swilson on July 14, 2017, 06:24:17 AM
{hugs} BrokenHeart2. When it was time to order new checks with my name only, I remember thinking that it erased one more thing connecting us as a couple.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: Jennica on July 14, 2017, 08:33:11 AM
Swilson, you said it. It's like everything we have at some point it needs to change which makes at least me feel like I have to move on. I had to get a new fridge. It's just a fridge but he picked it out. He would always go big. When I picked out the new fridge I thought about what he would pick then I decided to be realistic. We don't eat a lot of meat or leftovers. We do not need an ice maker. Just a basic new fridge. It stinks but it's just a fridge. Still stinks though.
I hated taking his name off the deed too. I was advised to due to anything in his name that could possably place a lien on the house.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: mmg19 on July 15, 2017, 09:38:34 AM
BK2  I understand so well.  I found comfort in seeing and knowing his name was on our jointing held assets.  Every removal was a trigger for the tears. 
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: klim on July 18, 2017, 10:05:37 AM
I hate paperwork and all the name changeovers take paperwork so I do as little as possible......only when a company forces me to will I bother, and even then I fight them.

The latest was when I had to renew a mortgage. The bank said I needed to change over the deed and to reapply for a new mortgage under my own name. I replied that my lawyer had told me that I didn't need to change the deed until I sell. I said I believed the lawyer more then them.

   And then I  continued and said if they had any doubt whether I could handle the mortgage payments on my own that they should look through their records for the last 4 years because that's how long I'd been doing it!
They still said I needed to change things...I said to the lovely mortgage lady , lets try to put the application through as is,with both names still there and to maybe add a note of explanation. Guess what it went through. :)

An apology to any of you that work at this type of work I am the thorn in your side type of client(but I'm never angry or belligerent, just a little pouty and sarcastic)
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 18, 2017, 02:06:28 PM
Way to go klim!! Don't you just love when these stupid corporations try to dictate to you what should be done.  I'm glad to hear that you like to buck the system (yes, I meant to put a b there LOL)  I will be selling so I figured I may as well get it done.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: serpico on July 19, 2017, 09:47:14 AM
An apology to any of you that work at this type of work I am the thorn in your side type of client(but I'm never angry or belligerent, just a little pouty and sarcastic)

No apology needed, klim, and I sometimes enjoy jousting with difficult clients - especially if they are non-belligerent :)  Of course, had I been your lender I would have told you politely but firmly that we could not have refinanced your loan until you had the deed put into just your name.  The reason has nothing to do with not thinking you can make the payments on your own, but rather that a deceased person cannot consent to a mortgage.

Of course laws could be different where you live, but it wouldn't have been possible in at least one of the 50 states.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: Christopher on August 18, 2017, 12:29:17 AM
Nothing about this is easy. Not even one tiny part of it.

All of it feels like a millstone hung around your heart.

All of it hurts. All of it drains you.

Even 7 years in, some days I just can't any of it. Not even a little bit. I am not good alone.

Congrats on getting that done. I'm sure you had to spend a few months mustering up the strength to do it. I know I did.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: Drafter on August 19, 2017, 10:55:28 AM
Not sure where we (I) go from here... :(
The house was never in my name but we bought it together. NJ does not recognize common law marriage and we were together almost 20 years. I'm sure the family (her family) will have no issue allowing me to stay / keep the house. In a strange way, I feel as if I should still let her family retain some control eventhough no one takes care of the pets, or property except for me.
Is it weird for me to feel this way?
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on August 19, 2017, 12:24:59 PM
Drafter, I'm sorry for the loss of your wife.  My DH to died of lung cancer.
I don't understand why you think her family should be able to have some control over the house you and your wife purchased together and lived for 20 yrs.  Just because your state law doesn't recognize common law I hope your wife's family do the right thing by you and turn all of it over to you.
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: patswife22 on September 06, 2017, 06:19:41 PM
My late husband bought our house 2 years before we met  Strangely we never thought of changing anything after we married.  So here we are married 22 years and still the house was only in his name.  Somehow I talked him into getting the house in my name too 2 months before he passed.  I live in a community property state and needless to say I found out AFTER he passed that in some situations it does not mean anything.  We kept our checking accounts separate in the event of death.  However, after he passed I went to close out his checking account and was told at the bank that I have to be a beneficiary NOT a co-signer on his accounts.  I told the manager I was his wife.  I even had a certified death certificate.  Didn't make any difference.  Anyway, afterwards I went to my bank and had all of my accounts listed with my daughter's name.  In the event of my passing she could come in with a certified death certificate and her driver's license and close out the accounts.  For the situation with my husband's bank I had problems with this bank at one time and pulled my accounts out of there because of the problems I had with them. 

Anyway, after 10 years of living in this house with the memories - both good and bad I've decided I no longer wish to live here.  But something is holding me here.  I have since met a great man after 6+ years of widowhood.  He has since moved in with me.  He retired and he is waiting for me to retire.  We want to sell our places, buy a truck and tow an RV and see the glorious country we live in.  BTW I got lucky the 2nd time around.  The new guy of 4 years is widowed and gets it. 

I now educate my non-widowed friends of the problems I've endured.  I am hoping they adhere to my
advice.  Married or not. 
Title: Re: The house and WTF
Post by: kjs1989 on September 17, 2017, 09:32:19 AM
That damn paperwork is so irritating....having to present the death certificate as well as probate papers to prove I am the sole beneficiary.  Some people I deal with are very kind and accommodating; others, I just want to throttle. 

The estate account has been closed for over two years now, but once in awhile I still get some sort of check make out to D from a closed investment or whatever. One banker at Wells Fargo knows me and is very accommodating. She just deposits it for me. But last time I dealt with an older, curmudgeonly  guy  who put up every roadblock he could. He wouldn't even look at the death certificate and court papers.

Oh,  no, he said, it was absolutely against regulations to deposit this check. I needed an estate account. (Well, duh, buddy. ) I explained the estate account had been at another bank and was closed two years ago. Well, then, I needed to call the company that issued the check and send them all the court papers and blah.... blah...blah....

We are talking a 25.00 check. I persisted  and he finally consulted another banker who looked up my account. Immediately they saw what sort of "relationship" (as they termed it) I had with the bank and all of a sudden the old fart became the kindest, most accommodating banker ever. He went on at length about how he is so experienced at helping widows  like me and if there is ever anything he can do to help me with my banking needs to ask for him personally.

Just blech.

I feel very fortunate my attorney took care of the vast majority of the paperwork dealing with the house deed and all other joint property we had. He was a step ahead through everything as estate work is his speciality. 

It is just one more overwhelming thing to deal with in the throes of grief.