Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Relationships/Remarriage => Topic started by: tybec on July 15, 2017, 07:57:58 AM

Title: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on July 15, 2017, 07:57:58 AM
New Thread.

Same topic.

How to work through the dating/new relationship with someone who has limited time with their children. 

I am almost 16 months with NG.  He has children with a typical 1970s child custody visitation.  Every other weekend and the alternating week night for dinner.  Every other week in the summer.  And then they decided to flip flop YEARS for holidays and spring and fall breaks. So this coming school year, no breaks or holidays are his.

The time is sacred with the children.  No altering it.  Has not been too problematic from long distance, but how to blend our families in the future?

How not to feel 2nd or 3rd, 4th priority?  Especially when you were number one with your late spouse, and then the children.  I was with LH 20 years before we had a child.  Our relationship was so important, and my LH reminded me he needed me as his wife when I would become overly child focused.  I am talking neglecting the marriage to take care of the child, which is not helpful for any parties.  Out of balance and wrecks lots of marriages.  30 yr. old marriages ending in divorce when they realize they don't even know or like each other because their lives revolved around the children.  Ya get it... 

So, NG has complete other dynamic.  Communication, communication.  Yes.  I hear ya.  But sometimes venting is needed, though you love the person, but it is hard.  All I am saying.

Those that know me and LH are worried about me.  I still after 5 1/2 years, have folks tell me how lucky I was as my LH loved me so much and shared that with others.  The things you hear later!

So, an example of this. Separate vacations this summer because of scheduling issues.  NG just got back from his with his boys.  3 days no phone contact.  We have talked about it.  WE did text.  But still.  I didn't go 3 days without contact with LH ever once married.  I am starting to get used to it as I am independent and have been on my own for 4 years.  But then that scares me.  Interdependence in a relationship is needed.  So, there ya go.

Respectfully my OP and my views/perspectives. 
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Sugarbell on July 15, 2017, 09:59:46 AM
Why no phone contact with He's vacationing with his kids?? To me..that's a little over the top on his part..just my opinion. Looking at this just from what I've read-it sounds like he's keeping everything compartmentalized..I recognize it because I did it in the past ALOT. Keeps things from getting messy...I also think maybe it's why you feel 2nd priority. I get his time alone vacationing with his kids...but what's a 10 minute phone call going to hurt???

I know relationships are give and take...compromise...It seems you do a lot of compromising..is he?

Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Portside on July 15, 2017, 12:50:36 PM
New Thread.

Same topic.

How to work through the dating/new relationship with someone who has limited time with their children. 

So, an example of this. Separate vacations this summer because of scheduling issues.  NG just got back from his with his boys.  3 days no phone contact.  We have talked about it.  WE did text.  But still.  I didn't go 3 days without contact with LH ever once married.  I am starting to get used to it as I am independent and have been on my own for 4 years.  But then that scares me.  Interdependence in a relationship is needed.  So, there ya go.


Important issues brought up here - thanks!

I certainly understand you being a bit put out regarding the 3 days of no talking while NG on vacation. But, could this simply be a function of the differences between men and women? Many guys don't need, or perhaps even want, the level of tagging up that many women want. I'm not suggesting that anyone is right or wrong here, only that it may be due to differences in personality.

As to the level of attention NG showers upon his kids when they are around - he may feel some underlying guilt as a result of the breakup of his first marriage and he overcompensates when he has his children. Who knows? Just a thought.

SB, you mentioned NG may be compartmentalizing various aspects of his life. That is very possible - as a group, men oft times do that. Rightly or wrongly, we view it as a feature, not a bug within our lives.

It seems everyone involved here will have to compromise a great deal in order to have this relationship be a happy, successful one. Everyone, on both an individual level, and as a couple, must decide what they are willing to give in to and what they will not. Each of us will have our unique 'line' that must be reached to feel comfortable.

I guess the trick is to find where the line is and is that compatible with what the other person can live with and that's where the communication aspect comes into play.

Blending isn't for sissies - Good luck - Mike
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on July 15, 2017, 02:10:15 PM
Thanks for the input.  I agree with both SB and Portside.  We communicate differently. 

He is Mr. Logic. Yes, Portside, he is making up for his failed marriage.  He came from a divorced family, his father a cheater, liar, and currently has a wife and live in girlfriend. He is NOT going to be a father that chooses a woman over the children, as his father did and still does.  NG's wife left him, and he believes he did all he could to make the marriage work, to the point of never arguing, always giving in, in order to not have a divorce.  And now he has his kids 4 days a month and the schedule.  So, I understand his background and beliefs. I am attracted to his dedication to being a great dad.  My LH had no dad ever and was an extraordinary dad to our son.

 Like SB, where is the compromise?  Will there ever be?  He never has dealt with a health crisis or otherwise.  What will happen WHEN that occurs? How to manage that?  How to be there for me, if I am his SO/partner/wife with the kids' schedule?  His vacation time is for the kids.  If we are together, what about us having some time?  Nurturing the new relationship is needed, too.  So many what ifs. 

Interestingly, he emailed today about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans.  He reconciled the schedule for the new year with the orders and school calendar.  Already planning.  He is willing to change Thanksgiving plans, but Christmas is set already.

Input on others experiences.  I don't worry about the thread moving past my comments.  I learn from others.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Trying on July 17, 2017, 06:03:20 AM
Blending is definitely not for sissies!

Tybec I think it's good to focus on what you said about being attracted to his dedication to being a good Dad.  He may need you to be patient and supportive as he figures out how to juggle the dad role with the significant other role.  That doesn't have to mean not voicing your own needs but approaching any conversation with understanding about where he is coming from.  Obviously a phone call while he is away with his kids is not unreasonable to expect and he is probably over compensating.

For me, having occasional time away, without kids, has been an important part of our relationship and it took me a while to make that a priority and to not feel guilty about leaving my kids to do so.  Our first full week will be our honeymoon but we have taken a few weekends which is more manageable but still very beneficial.  It can take some planning with fiancĂ©'s schedule with his kids and me finding coverage for mine but any time we have done it we both have felt it was so worth it.  Relationships definitely need to be nurtured and not just in the early days but always.

We are still working on finding balance, in our case it is usually him feeling my kids take time away from us. This weekend we made a nice compromise when my son had a nighttime baseball game (most of the time I go alone).  We dropped him off for the hour of warm up before the game and went and had a nice dinner alone.  We got to the game by the second inning and watched together.  I was able to make him feel like a priority and not rush our meal and still saw 6 out of 7 innings of my son's game so he didn't feel like I wasn't supporting him.  Sounds simple enough but I have a tendency to compartmentalize too which usually makes me feel like I am letting someone down.

The biggest thing is both of us have to be willing to work on managing our expectations and listening to each other's needs. We are a work in progress and I expect we will always need to work at it to some extent which is why we are starting premarital counseling this week.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: klim on July 17, 2017, 08:04:44 PM
I understand the putting significant other in a holding pattern when you are dealing with your children. I quite often do it and my boys are older. My younger one is depressed an he is the one that will have me put NG on the back burner while I deal with him.  I try and balance things and hope that is good enough.

Since my sons are older, whoever I am with will not be coparenting them.  I never picture a true blending situation. I see NG's role as supporting me as I parent them.

I do not know the age of the children involved in your case but if they are younger I would think you would change the expectation and the younger they are the more I would expect to be included.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on July 22, 2017, 01:49:18 AM
I can't believe I am writing this.  I am flabbergasted!  Signed on my new home!  Stayed with NG the night as I had to go get my kid from church camp, just north of this new city.  WE had a great night of discussing the future possibilities.  He helped me clean up my new kitchen. He is storing things at his garage until moving day which is Wed. His sons are in the school district of my home, so he is closer to them now.  It is out in the county.  Opposite side of town from his work, so about 30 minutes maybe.

He bought a house around the corner from the school where his children attend. Their mother got a new teaching job, and thus, they ended up way out in the county, and he was so aggravated.  He could have them walk to school from his house, so, a better chance of 50/50 parent sharing.

He text me this afternoon his ex called, and she got a job at the school board, next to the school by his house. So the children will now return there.   It is what he wanted, why he bought the house he lives in.  The kids are asking for more time with him now as they are older.  Moving to the home and area where I live is opposing this. 

I can't believe this.  Asked him if he was staying now, and he said, "yes, if it means more time with my children."  I specifically looked for a house to accommodate a family of our blended size.  I asked him more than once he was certain of our future, his choice, as I didn't need a house this size. 

I didn't move just for him, but made plans for our future.  I feel such a fool.  I have to support him in his pursuing his time with his children, the reason he left his career, moved to this state to begin with, to be with his kids.  But OH MY GOSH!  The timing of this! 

I just have to regroup and focus on my needs, my son, taking care of my mother as the reason to move.  And if I can be truly be placed in the back row now, will I choose to accept it or change goals?   How could this have occurred on the day after I close? GEEZ! 

And I don't have a ring, not the level of commitment, so I do feel foolish. 

This is hard.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Julester3 on July 22, 2017, 07:35:47 AM
Omg Tybec. What crappy timing! I'd be pretty pissed off in your position that this happened and just after you literally closed. I think you do need to regroup and focus. I too sort of feel he's not as committed now that this happened. He totally changed his tune as soon as his ex made changes - what happened to blending and compromise? There was no opportunity made for it after this transpired. Hugs!
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: trying2breathe on July 22, 2017, 12:18:35 PM
Crappy timing indeed!  Sounds like he's torn between what he believes is the right thing to do and the future plans that you've discussed and agreed upon.  What you've described of him regarding his upbringing makes me think that he's hard driven to be the best possible Dad, over and above all else.  Time to have a good & hard conversation with him about it all.  Big hugs ~
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on July 22, 2017, 02:33:57 PM
tybec: {{{hugs}}} this is the best I can offer at such a time. Regroup for sure, for yourself, your children. Much love to you hun.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Sugarbell on July 22, 2017, 06:18:16 PM
Ugh!

Put you and your son first!! That's pretty shitty of him (I know I know his kids).

Think I would focus on making a life for myself and son in New place and put a few walls up to NG. If its meant to be..he will work hard to also be there for you and your future. If not...-a move is still a good thing and make be what you need.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Captains wife on July 23, 2017, 06:55:49 AM
I'm sorry about this - it's not fair. And the decision is completely out of your hands. Doesn't seem though that NG is handing this well either - making a good life for you and your son in a new house is exciting so focus on that. My NG keeps talking about living together but I am so cautious - when kids are involved (and both our kids are young)  as well as exes it gets so complicated. There is a part of me that is so used to being with my son, on our own that the complications of blending and having his crazy and selfish ex in the picture doesn't appeal to me. I sometimes feel I am put in 3rd position, behind his pushy ex and his son - and that's not an easy place to be in - so I like the  space. Then there is another side of me that loves the idea of having a larger family unit... Wishing you all the best - enjoy the new house!! Sometimes change is good : )
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Trying on July 23, 2017, 10:13:30 AM
Wow Tybec, definitely crappy timing!!  I don't know what I would do if I was him but I can imagine how awful you feel.  I don't think you are foolish at all, the divorced parent thing is so much more complicated than for widows like us who have total control of our kids(not harder or easier just way more complicated).  It sounds like his ex could continue to change things with the wind so you need to focus on you and your son and the things you have control over. 

Uhggg, moving is stressful enough without all of this.  So sorry.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Forgottenwife on July 23, 2017, 11:47:37 AM
Ohmygosh, I am stunned and shocked for you. Wow. And you took that chance and moved and just bought a new house. I am so sorry.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on July 23, 2017, 12:36:05 PM
Thank you all for your support.  I have had every kind of emotion you can think of and I am packing, so emotional.  I don't believe in coincidences.  I am meant to be in this city.  5  1/2 yrs. since LH died.  Signed on the house on the actual date of 5 1/2 yrs.  Maybe this is my catalyst to change?  Maybe NG will decide to go ahead with moving forward as it is only 12 minutes to the school at my new home. 

I have decided I of course, need to discuss  things with him.  I also have decided, as much as it may hurt if we do not work out, I will be okay.  He is not my LH of decades.  He is not there.  My walls are still up some as it was long distance and not real.  I know moving there makes it real. I had talked about us waiting a while before he would move in.  He didn't want to wait long, though.  It is just strange the timing. 

I don't know if I can do the dating thing without him being able to make a long term commitment.  He has said it, but follow through has not happened.  I don't doubt his love for me, but his children are first.  I know this.  I just wonder if  at what point is it of  of unhealthiness?  When do you balance doing everything for your children and your own life?  No right answer, but if he swings every time the ex does, won't he see she is still ruling him on some level? He said he argued in court to keep the kids in the school where he lived around the corner as she is on the career tract and he said she would likely move again, and here it is.  She lives in the same district, so 10 minutes from home maybe.  I understand her choices, but GEEZ...    It sure makes his life always at her beck and call.

Yup.  Back pedal a bit.  See where it is.  My teenage self wanted to break it off that night.  Impulsive.  My adult self decided to wait and see and get over there and see how life is.

I decided my house is large for me and DS, but the school district and neighborhood mattered, making it similar to our home now.  So, I guess I will deal with that.  Smaller yard, newer so low maintenance. So that is good.  The widow is the neighborhood!  HA!
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: daysofelijah on July 23, 2017, 06:05:36 PM
Wow, I'm sorry for the turn of events. It sounds like his x-wife will have the run of things until the kids are older unfortunately. X's stink.

Good that you can look at the bright side of the move and that it will still be a good thing for you. I'm happy I made my move and we are adjusting pretty well. I'm looking forward to the kids starting at their new school and hoping they fit in and find new friends. I hope your son adjusts well too.

Despite the dealings with the x last month things are going smooth here. Although I will admit having him here every evening and all weekend is wearing on me a bit. It's made me recognize that taking things as slow as we are is a very good thing. I had a PMS breakdown this afternoon about being exhausted from taking care of everyone, and he took it as a hint to go home to his house, lol. I love him, but geez sometimes I just need some alone time.

I hope your NG can make things work for everyone involved. This stuff is very hard.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on July 31, 2017, 01:36:50 PM
Update: 

Moved last week. Day 5 in new house.  Painter here today. So a mess for about 2 more weeks.  NG had kids until Sat. night.  His mother asked to take my son with the grandkids to the movies Friday, so they went.  She had the idea, per NG.  She brought treats as house warming gift, so she is supportive of me and NG. 

NG is in depression some.  He is researching Father's Rights and contacting state reps. for law changes.  He won't see sons for 2 weeks due to school schedule activating. 

He stayed Sat. night,  and I talked about being in "sleep mode" with him and feeling he did not need me when he had his children as he was content.  I told him it is a pattern since last summer.  He agreed he is good at compartmentalizing.  I told him lots of men or women would bring their kids to a friends house and help them move, and he did not  He said he would have to deal with their mother in court stating he takes his kids to his GF's house and works instead of time with the kids.  I said "normal" families do that, not just cater every moment to the children.  He stated he would feel guilty for not being strictly for his kids.  He is thinking it over now.  He couldn't deny it.  I basically told him we will see how things go since I am here, now.

I didn't want to go with him and his kids on their Friday night excursion, too expensive and been there and done that, the county fair.   DS and I  went out exploring, found a great Japanese restaurant and ate.  NG doesn't like Asian food. My LH was stationed in Japan a year, so he taught me how to find good Japanese food.  I realized I like getting out and exploring and felt like I did in my early 20s.   I can be independent and explore and meet new people, and it will be fine.  I felt strong, and it was just good.

So, NG has to figure out how to manage us, in the new arrangement.  He loves me, and we will see.  He has loved many women in his life and timing or something didn't work. I had one love, and it lasted' til death do us part.  So, blending.  Time will tell.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Julester3 on July 31, 2017, 03:47:49 PM
You told him your piece and now he needs to mull it over and figure things out. I think that's all you can do right now.

I'm glad you and your son went out on your own. We love Asian food and I like to do that with my own kids. Experiences are so much more lasting than things.

 Sorry you'll have to live in disarray but it's nice to have that fresh coat of paint and set up the house your way.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Captains wife on August 02, 2017, 02:49:10 PM
Good post - and I'm happy to see you are enjoying your new area with your son. Also very good you voiced your opinion on the topic. Yes, NG needs to sort this stuff out. I have heard many stories like this and am experiencing some of it myself - re: trying to date a divorced guy with children and dealing with "divorce guilt". Hey if I can solo parent and work full time (which means I don't get to see my son as much as Id like either) plus take time to date someone (and fit this into my and my son's schedule), I expect the same in return. And so should you.....there has to be a happy balance for all.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: marriedwithkids77 on August 08, 2017, 11:44:47 AM
New Thread.

Same topic.

How to work through the dating/new relationship with someone who has limited time with their children. 

So, an example of this. Separate vacations this summer because of scheduling issues.  NG just got back from his with his boys.  3 days no phone contact.  We have talked about it.  WE did text.  But still.  I didn't go 3 days without contact with LH ever once married.  I am starting to get used to it as I am independent and have been on my own for 4 years.  But then that scares me.  Interdependence in a relationship is needed.  So, there ya go.


Important issues brought up here - thanks!

I certainly understand you being a bit put out regarding the 3 days of no talking while NG on vacation. But, could this simply be a function of the differences between men and women? Many guys don't need, or perhaps even want, the level of tagging up that many women want. I'm not suggesting that anyone is right or wrong here, only that it may be due to differences in personality.

As to the level of attention NG showers upon his kids when they are around - he may feel some underlying guilt as a result of the breakup of his first marriage and he overcompensates when he has his children. Who knows? Just a thought.

SB, you mentioned NG may be compartmentalizing various aspects of his life. That is very possible - as a group, men oft times do that. Rightly or wrongly, we view it as a feature, not a bug within our lives.

It seems everyone involved here will have to compromise a great deal in order to have this relationship be a happy, successful one. Everyone, on both an individual level, and as a couple, must decide what they are willing to give in to and what they will not. Each of us will have our unique 'line' that must be reached to feel comfortable.

I guess the trick is to find where the line is and is that compatible with what the other person can live with and that's where the communication aspect comes into play.

Blending isn't for sissies - Good luck - Mike

I agree
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on August 08, 2017, 01:24:26 PM
Thanks for quoting Mike on that, marriedwithkids. The part that jumped out at me reading it again was this:
Quote
Many guys don't need, or perhaps even want, the level of tagging up that many women want. I'm not suggesting that anyone is right or wrong here, only that it may be due to differences in personality.
I appreciated that because I've come to realize in my own journey that I desire more of some kinds of communication while as Mike pointed out, NG might not need or want that 'level of tagging up' ... Good reminder that regardless of gender, we are all quite different in so many ways.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on August 09, 2017, 06:35:57 AM
Thanks for the input on contact.  Communication is key.

I have communicated.  MY LH left for work, and I didn't get up to say good bye.  I got the Sheriff at the door 1 1/2 hours later telling me he had died in a car accident.  SO, for me, a voice contact is very important.  It is not guaranteed as we all know here. I have shared this. It is MY thing, based on reality.  Otherwise, yes, I would agree that for some, the voice contact is not necessary. 

He is military like my LH.  He has spent a year in Iraq and suffered. I guess I would think between the two events, he would like to hear my voice, too.

 Learning.  All is new.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: trying2breathe on August 09, 2017, 08:22:46 AM
Although thinking it's not a big issue, I'm reminded of how widowhood plays into new relationships.  Can relate tybec to communication as my LH left for a bike ride after work and never returned.  I didn't get the chance to ask about his day or why he felt the need to rush out to take that bike ride.   Voice contact and a check in to me is essential, otherwise I start imagining the worst.  My NG takes time off when his kids visit and on occasion checks out and doesn't call or text.  He cycles daily, there have been times when I've not heard from him so watch the news to see if there's been any accidents.  :o  I've explained how I feel to him and he says that he gets it.  Umm, not really.  Indeed everything is new.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on August 09, 2017, 10:21:26 AM
Thanks for that, tybec and trying2 ... had not considered that aspect, even in my own life. My dad and I were not on speaking terms and one day he left for work and was killed in a car accident as well. I got the call at work. They wouldn't let me drive home because I was pregnant and I had to call the first husband, who refused to come because I wouldn't tell him what was wrong (as if your pregnant wife having your dispatcher call you off your bus route because of an emergency wasn't enough information to make you come). I had to blurt out on the phone that my dad was dead and he needed to come get me because I wasn't allowed to drive. It was horrid. Yeah, never thought about that aspect of why some sort of contact might be a bit more important to me ...
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on August 13, 2017, 06:29:04 AM
Well, NG finally got his kids after 2 weeks. Interestingly, we did not see each other for 4 days.  I just thought we would cross paths more often, but life is busy.  He did invite us (son and me) to go swimming at their family club Friday after work/school.  This worked out well.  Then we did a cave trip Sat. with zip-lining and rappelling. I had done the zip lining as a bucket list a year after DS died.  Not my favorite.  So, rappelling was really out of my comfort zone, but I was willing to try.  The cave thing is not my thing.  Underground is not where I ever want to be  ;).  Walking out left me embarrassingly out of breath. Wow!  Need to set some real fitness goals. 

We got back to our town and me and DS came home. Exhausted.  I am sure he would have liked us to stay, but we needed our space.  Didn't think I would be that way, but now that I have my home, I want to be in the comfort of it.  His place is perfect for him and his boys, but limited space otherwise. 

So, changing.

Had a great interview on Friday.  Can work something out with this clinician who owns a practice with 16 staff.  I have more experience x 3, so she could use me in her group. Will see if we can hammer things out.  How awesome is that? 

Independence. Not a bad thing.  :)
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on August 14, 2017, 12:18:39 PM
Good for you, tybec!
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on August 18, 2017, 07:32:43 AM
This divorce stuff.  I don't know what to do but stand back and watch and listen.

NG had kids for his weekly 2 hour dinner night since he does not get them this weekend. Yeah, it is sad the limited time he gets.  His ex didn't arrive at the allotted time to pick them up.  So, he took them home and text her he would keep them and drop them off at school tomorrow.  (200 yrds. walk, remember)   

He text me about it.  I just hoped she would not call the cops.  He said she acknowledged him with an email (documentation) but I just don't know about this choice.  He is making a point, but will it help him with his goal?  And the drama that it is going to create!  But I am not in his shoes with someone telling me you are qualified to parent half time in the summer but not during the school time.  Crazy. 

I am 3 weeks in my new home.  Job interview went well.  Just trying to relax and see how this pans out, but it is dramatic.  Talk every day but haven't seen him since Sunday.  Ugghhhh......
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on August 18, 2017, 07:50:10 AM
So sorry, tybec. Wow -- three weeks already! Time sure flies. It seems you are doing exactly what you should be doing: your life.

Divorce is such a difficult matter. After LH divorced his ex, I noticed how his daughter viewed us. Our relationship was so different than that of her mom and dad; her mom would come to my house (he never wanted the extra drama so the two houses purchased during our time together were bought by me) and try to show off. I would ignore her antics and do me. Eventually she stopped. But even after he died, his daughter seemed to see more of a connection between him and me than him and her mom; I once made a comment early on about having a 'friend' (NG) who could fix my garage door opener but I didn't want him to because it was hot and he'd get all dusty and dirty out there. Her response? He could do it and just clean up because I have two bathrooms but he wasn't allowed to use the one in my bedroom  ::)

NG is divorced and it has obviously left scars. His ex didn't seem to care much for his feelings, which has hardened him. I am patient and do my best to let him have his space, but like you say, it is hard. His doctor took him off work this week because of his nerve pain; I took dinner over on Tuesday. Mind you, we had talked about going to see my son this weekend. I texted some info I promised to send him on Wednesday, no answer. I texted him yesterday to ask if I should reschedule the meet up this weekend, no answer. I'm giving it until this afternoon and then I am texting to say that I guess that means yes, postpone. Like you, I have too much to do to sit around, waiting while he works out some of this stuff.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Trying on August 18, 2017, 08:00:56 AM
Tybec you have a lot on your plate right now!  2 years ago I moved and made a career change while figuring out my new relationship and all of its complexities.  It can make your head spin! 

NG insisted on more time with his kids this past winter after he moved in here and was in the kids school district finally, before he only had them for a few hours 2 nights a week and every other weekend.  Now his ex says she will not allow week day overnights any more.  No reason other than she doesn't think it's best.  Despite the fact that on our nights they eat balanced meal at the family table, get homework done, play time, reading and bed at a decent hour.  They get an extra 90 minutes of sleep in the morning because they don't have to go to before school program and can take the bus.

Yesterday he met with an attorney and will be petitioning for an updated custody arrangement that reflects the shared custody they are supposed to have.  The attorney seems to think it's an easy case.   It's an expense he really doesn't need now but she refuses to discuss anything or be reasonable so there is no other option.  Kids who are fortunate enough to have 2 living parents who love them and want to actively parent should not be denied time with either parent. 

Figuring out my role in all of this has been difficult, now that we are just a month away from being married I feel like I have a little bit more of a say but mostly all I can do is be supportive.  There is so much about the mind set of the divorced that I just can't get since I've never been there, sort of like DGI's with the widow experience. 
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on September 01, 2017, 10:51:24 AM
Update:

NG had meeting with his attorney.  He had Father's rights meeting a couple weeks ago and had a national speaker on parents' right come and speak and a local representative that helped with passing the new legislature about presumptive custody at separation.  So, the state is slowly moving into the year 2017. 

He is working vigorously on his course.  He will likely be held in contempt, but not go to jail for 6 months for keeping his kids overnight.  Pay court costs, fine, maybe. 

I understand his needs/desires. 

I am dealing with my mother in hospice.  She is declining, so I am there as frequently as I can be.  My great interview for the job came to an end. Conflict of interest.  I knew it was highly likely but thought working out of town may make it an option, but as the owner works with NG's son, and therefore, his ex, she doesn't want to even acknowledge we ever spoke.  I understand.  I wish I didn't like her, though.  But she was great.  I had looked her up last summer when NG's ex chose her as a therapist, and so I knew her background.  Anyhow.

I am supportive.   l listen.  But I do feel like I am left out to fend for myself.  He asks about me, how I am coping with my mom, but doesn't have any follow through. Provides an ear but not much else.  He took off early this week for his kids, his meeting with the attorney.  He has never done anything like that for me. 

So, just let it go?  Accept it?  We are going on 1 and 1/2 yrs.  I hate feeling so much like I can't depend on him.  My LH and I were so intertwined, we were a team, a given.  When my father was dying, I called my LH and told him I was packing up to leave to go and he begged me to wait so he could go with me, so I would not be alone, and he loved my dad.  Can me and NG get there?  Or is this the reality of his situation and blending ?
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Trying on September 01, 2017, 12:19:37 PM
Tybec it sounds like you both have a lot on your plates right now.  Before we got engaged NG and I each complained at different times that we were "together but separate", each dealing with our own stuff alone even if we were supportive.

I can't speak for the future of your relationship but we are now operating as more of a team.  We are definitely not yet at the place I was with DH because I still deal most of the things to do with my kids and he deals with most to do with his.  We are slowly integrating with the younger kids but I don't think it will ever be 50-50.  House stuff and our personal stuff is now more of a partnership.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's decline, between moving and this you have a great deal of stress and I'm sure it has you missing your DH and the strong partnership you had.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: daysofelijah on September 01, 2017, 06:59:31 PM
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It's good you can spend so much time with her now. I can't speak to the situation with your NG, but I hope things work out for him with his custody issues so you can both have more time to grow your relationship if that's what is best.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on September 02, 2017, 01:50:38 PM
Oh, tybec ... this is so hard. I wrote a blog post a week or so ago about being willing to beat Death to a pulp if I had to for my son; would I go to such extremes for NG? If we were at a commitment level of being in the same house/engaged/married? Absolutely. I have not been in a challenging situation like you have as caregiver for your parents and can't imagine how I would feel if I was and NG was unwilling to support me. I would understand if he was unable; I remember my LH's family basically ostracizing him for not attending his auntie's funeral. He was on contract to work that day and they could not understand. There are times when we can't do something but to say nothing and just go on as if it was okay is problematic ...
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: trying2breathe on September 02, 2017, 02:33:38 PM
tybec   So sorry to hear of your Mom's decline.  Although I'm nowhere near the level commitment in my relationship that you have w/your NG, I too wonder about the blending of families and what level of support to expect.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that realistically I won't again have the level of support that I had with my late husband.  I do hope with time to learn to grow with, love and have the support of a new extended family.  Follow through for me would be important, it's not enough to just listen.  You're both dealing with some stressful things right now, hope that you can find some peaceful days ahead and time to sort out the relationship.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on September 15, 2017, 09:05:08 AM
My new "stuff". 

A statement I thought benign lead to a discussion of our relationship pace.  NG indicated in it that he believes I base our "pace" on my 20 plus marriage. Yup, I likely do.  I told him I would "back off" then, as my 28 yr. old time with DH is the only relationship I had, so I know no different. He quickly responded he did not wish for me to "back off" in any manner.  But that he thought I would likely understand him better and his responsibilities  if I was divorced vs. widowed, worked full time versus part time, etc.  I responded I was who I was, and he was his "story".  And I did take into consideration his circumstances. We would work out, or we would not.  But that I did have reasonable expectations of a relationship.  He agreed my expectations were reasonable but we are not "there" yet.

For some reason it was freeing to have this dialogue.  Though uncomfortable, I just feel differently.  I am going to keep swimming, enjoy some adult time, but attempt to let go of my preconceived notions, which is freeing.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on September 17, 2017, 02:04:04 PM
Glad you had a talk, tybec, and that you are in a good place!
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on September 18, 2017, 01:08:17 PM
Just reality with dating with kids.

NG hung out the evenings at my house all weekend, not his kids' weekend.  My DS is getting more used to his presence but not warmed up a whole lot.  NG is reaching out, asking him to things, trying to connect in activities he thinks my son may like or participate in with his children.  My son is slow to warm, I think and dealing with his mom is really serious about this guy, the only guy besides his dad.

Well, NG came for dinner Sunday and was checking his schedule. He has something every night this week with his children's activities.  And then it is his weekend with them.  They are doing a hike/bike thing Sunday.  My son is not  up to it. I burned my son out some in boy scouts with camping, hiking, and he does not love it, now. NG is just starting all that up with his kids being younger.

So, not sure when we will connect again. I know NG has 2 kids, so twice the amount of activities I did with my son.  He deserves to have that time, and I will work on accepting this.  It is highly likely my son will be involved soon with school events, too, so we will be going in different directions.

I read an article that many relationships now are together an average of 4 years prior to marriage.  The average time dating is 1.4 yrs., move in together and get engaged about 1.8 yrs. later, and then plan the wedding.  Interesting, huh? 

We are past the 1.4 yrs. of dating, but on hold for moving forward.  I am okay with that, now.  MY how things change!

Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on September 18, 2017, 02:09:37 PM
That is an interesting statistic, tybec -- do they mean the couple is involved for about 4 years, then get to the point of considering moving in and marriage about 3-4 months prior to doing so? I find the whole 4 years thing interesting for sure, since when I tell people that my NG and I are at about 1 year, 4 months since our first date, they raise their eyebrows and start asking about the future. I tell them that I am hopeful that we will continue to grow closer but with the way relationships develop these days, I try not to think too far ahead  :o
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on September 18, 2017, 03:27:03 PM
http://www.refinery29.com/2017/07/164210/how-long-couples-spend-together-before-getting-married




Arneal,

My poor communication. I wrote months, and it should have been years.  Here is where I read it.  Nothing in stone, exceptions always, of course. But, I don't seem to know any YOUNG couples not living together prior to marriage.

Quote
This breaks down as 1.4 years (17 months) of dating before moving in together, living together for 1.83 years (22 months) before getting engaged, and spending 1.67 years (20 months) engaged before getting married. On average, couples will spend 3.5 years living together before marriage, and nearly nine in 10 couples (89%) live together in some capacity beforehand. (We're guessing financial reasons are behind the decision for many couples.)
[
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on September 18, 2017, 03:34:43 PM
Thanks for sharing, tybec. You are right -- nothing is set in stone in this process. NG and I are just about at the 1.4 year mark since we started dating but I can't imagine having a move-in conversation just because of life circumstances. I own my home and he is renting with his youngest daughter to help her save expenses while she is still in school. I think they have a set lease time frame so such a conversation is not even on the radar. Plus, I would want to be in a slightly better situation myself before considering such a thing for logistical reasons. I have a two vehicles that do not run -- the sedan in the garage and the SUV in the driveway. I can't get rid of them because I don't hold title. If I could get rid of them both, I'd be all for it because he has a motorcycle and a work truck. Heck, even with just the SUV gone for now, it would clear the driveway for his little work truck and the bike. But I am not ready to have a discussion on how much I owe for them both  :o Life choices to survive are not always the best ... the loan on the sedan is big and I have a title loan on the truck. Oh, well. Who knows what the future will bring?
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on October 06, 2017, 07:02:39 PM
NG's kids are in Florida with their mom and grandparents for fall break.  So, I have had lots of time with NG. We have had LOTS of discussions, some disagreements.  The honeymoon is over.  Working through it.

Well, court for his kids isn't until MARCH.  So, waiting to even go to court is basically this whole school year.  There will be no changes with his custody arrangement until then, at the earliest.  I knew we are on hold for future decisions about us, where we are going, where he lives, etc.  He is referring to us more and more as US and WE and such.  But wow.  I had no idea about things taking forever to change. 

Anyone else just waiting due to other circumstances?  On one level, I am like, "Well, this gives us time to decide if we are really IT."  My other level says, " You know tomorrow isn't promised.  How long to wait?" 

Widowhood.  Meh.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Captains wife on October 06, 2017, 08:48:46 PM
Tybec - I had to chuckle re. Your widowhood meh comment. I'm right there too. My relationship has been somewhat in limbo due to a custody battle and it's not pleasant. And his ex seems really unpleasant and to some extent our schedule seems to have to revolve around her. This mid life dating isn't easy or for the faint hearted. And I'd  have to make all the compromises (moving to new area, taking my son away from the only place he's ever known, an even longer commute for work) if we took things to the next level- not fair as I'm the true single parent. But for some reason I don't worry about the future anymore and just taking one step at a time. If this relationship is meant to work it out, it will be worked out....for me, I'm using this limbo time to really get to know NG, figure out what I/we want. But none of this is easy and there are days when I get annoyed about the limbo stuff.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on October 07, 2017, 09:12:33 AM
So sorry, tybec and Captains wife. Limbo. Ugh. I think much of 'mid-life dating' is limbo. For me, I honestly don't know exactly what I want or how I want it, other than just. being. happy. What does that look like? Life has been tough and I often wonder if I would know 'happy' if it landed in my lap. Difficulties harden the heart and it is difficult to soften it again. I wrote a blog post that went up this morning about 'how did I get here' -- I was standing in my backyard with my dogs yesterday and the thought just hit me as I stood, looking out at the sky and feeling the wind blow. I have been widowed twice and I feel like I've become the cat lady neighbor -- I have one neurotic cat, two crazy guard dogs, a fish tank. I sometimes go out to water the lawn in my robe. Yeah, I've turned into 'her'  :P It was a momentary pity party but I got over it.

With the dating thing, I just don't know. I guess I'm in it for the ride. In my 'how did I get here' moment yesterday, I imagined having the break up conversation with NG. Not sure where that came from, but I think it's how I've always lived life: prepare for the worst so if it happens, you can bounce back quickly. I am not feeling like we are on that road, but it's just how my mind works sometimes. CW -- you mentioned the compromises, which made me remember a conversation he and I had last weekend. I was talking about wanting my passport and he said he can't even think about getting one for another year or so; things had gotten so volatile with the ex when she didn't even want to talk to him, she put out a restraining order, meaning he can't own a firearm or get a passport until it expires. When they first broke up, she kept a bunch of his stuff out of spite (things like blankets and sheets -- yeah, it was like that) and he would try to contact her to ask for it all back. She got mad, filed the order. He abided by it and in the end, she gave the stuff back -- his daughter had to go and meet her to get it. So ugly. That means if I could take a real vacation somewhere out of the country, he couldn't go.

I also brought up Thanksgiving. He said, 'We are cooking ...' whatever it was, meaning he and his daughter have plans this year; she spends the holiday with him for a couple years and then with her mom for a couple years. I am a planner, so I am wondering if I'll be invited to join them. I think it hit me as I was thinking about the 'how did I get here' -- this year would be the first I spent completely alone if I don't get invited. I will still cook and enjoy not having to work for a couple days, but still ...

In my case, should things advance, he would be the one to make more compromises like you mention, CW -- I own my home and live farther from the home office of his job and right now, certainly farther than where he commutes to every day. He has more storage space in his room in the apartment he and his daughter have than I do because it's newer than my house, so that would be interesting.

Yeah, I do a lot of thinking for my limbo time  :o
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: trying2breathe on October 08, 2017, 10:27:57 AM
For me, I honestly don't know exactly what I want or how I want it, other than just. being. happy.


^ this, exactly.  As wids we know too well that life offers no guarantees - one day at a time is my mantra these days.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on October 09, 2017, 10:28:33 AM

Thanks for the feedback.  It is good to know others get it.  I don't know if I am cut out for the drama of a custody battle and on going interactions with the ex and family.  I did move to his town, but not just for him.  I am attending a different church for my son due to the youth program.  I started a small group to meet people.  I am interviewing for jobs to shorten my commute of 90 minutes. 

My son loves his new school.  The difference in education is palatable.  Starts his day in Lego robotics for an elective and ends in geometry in the HS, as he is in MS.  There was nothing like this in my very poor county we lived in.  My mother is slowly dying with hospice involved.  I am where I need to be.  Just not all sure about the NG and fam.  I like his kids, his activiites he does with them. He is a great dad.  But all the other.  Yeah.

It will work or it won't.  My mantra.  It is the fact no matter how I think about it.  Thanks again.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on October 09, 2017, 10:44:53 AM
tybec -- hitting 'like' on your post just didn't say enough. This whole moving forward thing is ... something else. Your point: It will work or it won't. My mantra. It is the fact no matter how I think about it. -- so true.

{{{hugs}}}
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on October 09, 2017, 11:24:12 AM
Thanks Arneal.

Quote
I imagined having the break up conversation with NG. Not sure where that came from, but I think it's how I've always lived life: prepare for the worst so if it happens, you can bounce back quickly. I am not feeling like we are on that road, but it's just how my mind works sometimes.
[/i]

I do this, too.  I thought it was a fatalist view.  Maybe just more common because of our situations with death?  I am glad I am not the only one who goes there. 
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Captains wife on October 09, 2017, 09:35:34 PM
Yes....I understand this. I also want to minimize drama in my life given everything we have gone through. I just find it so frustrating being in a relationship where a third party seems to dictate a lot of what is going on...I just don't have these issues on my side although I guess dating a widow with a young child has its own challenges. I know I should be more understanding of NG's situation sometimes- but honestly it just pisses me off re. All the compromises I feel I've been making. Just my honesty speaking !
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on October 14, 2017, 11:08:23 AM
NG is without kids this weekend, so hanging with my son and me.  I admit, I like to have him to myself. He is on guard with me and his kids, like he won't touch me at all, as he worries about what they will say to their mother. Well, his son called and talked for an hour.  They are taking the first scouting camping trip next weekend, and he talked excitingly about the trip and went over plans.  NG and his sons are 4 yrs. behind me and my son and all this, so I have been there and done that.  He is Pack leader and stuff, just like my LH was.  I am happy for him and his sons.  I asked if he had ever talked to his son that long, and he didn't think so, and it was not the prescribed phone time. They skype nightly at 7.   He also skipped breakfast  with us to take the call, and then he had to leave for his other son's soccer game.

Ummm, did the ex put him up to calling?  Why would he happen to call at this time of day and such?  Again, happy for NG and his son's interest, but timing was impeccable.  NG hopes it will become a norm.  Call him when they want to talk to him, which is normal and natural.  Makes me smile and smirk at the same time. 
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on October 14, 2017, 01:52:11 PM
Blending households in the best of circumstances is weird. When there is an over the top ex? Oh my. I remember when LH put a ring on my finger; it was a few days after his divorce was final (mind you, he and the ex had been legally separated for oh, 10+ years? And we had lived together for about four). His daughter told her mom and she called LH and said something like, you just couldn't wait, could you? He was like, no LOL! Par for the course I suppose.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Captains wife on October 14, 2017, 07:33:14 PM
I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying. I spoke with my son earlier ( he's with my inlaws) and I left my evening free. I am trying to be understanding but it admittedly grates on me as well
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Sugarbell on October 15, 2017, 01:39:19 PM
I get all of this.

NG is a wonderful guy..I've never been with anyone as caring, considerate, honest, thoughtful..and the chemistry is amazing.

But the baggage..dear lord..crazy ex who can never be counted on to pick up daughter on the right days, hours..literally it's almost impossible to make plans. His Mother lives out on family land close to him and has never driven. He is at her beck and call literally 24/7. He can't leave the family land and will be out there forever. It's way way out. I would never live out there with kids involved in stuff..and really this sounds harsh..but until His Mom finds a new man to take care of her or she dies..we aren't going to be moving forward. I just can't do it.

He works like a dog on the farm and works 40 hours a week in the city. There isn't much time left for us.

It is what it is..I don't want anyone else...but we are plateauing for a while. Don't see our lives totally blending for many years.

Damn this is complicated.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on October 16, 2017, 07:39:13 AM
Thanks for the validation.  I go from anger to guilt regarding NG and his kids' situation.  I have to be supportive of his goal with his children as I KNOW what it is like to have a fatherless child, al beit different reasons. 

Quote
I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying.
 
OMG, CW.  I did the same thing this weekend.  Skype wouldn't work, and he finally had to call his ex to get assistance.  I don't know how many events we have had, and he steps out to do this.  It is not a big deal as his dedication to his kids is admirable.  But I do wonder about this being FOREVER. 

SB, Oh MY!  The complexity of your situation.  I appreciate you sharing. 

Arneal, your past experiences are helpful to hear.  I joke I was raised by the Cleavers, as my parents married in 1950, and I was the change of life baby in their 40s.  I can't change that, but this new world to me is not new to many.  I am the anomaly.   It grounds me to hear other stories of folks.  Thanks.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: trying2breathe on October 17, 2017, 11:54:45 AM
I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying. I spoke with my son earlier ( he's with my inlaws) and I left my evening free. I am trying to be understanding but it admittedly grates on me as well

This would grate on me too.  NG took a call last weekend from his brother while we were out on a romantic date night.  No crisis or anything, they talked for almost 10 minutes while I sat at a candlelit dining table across from him very pissed off.  After he hung up, I called him on it and calmly said that I wouldn't stay if he did it again. I make it a habit to put my phone away and consider it common courtesy for him to do this too.   I get it when there are young ones at home or a situation that warrants keeping the phone at hand, I've done this and explain the situation on why my phone is out.  It's hard to communicate standards and establish boundaries - I'm doing this more as the relationship continues.  Part of getting to know each other I guess.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: arneal on October 17, 2017, 08:38:06 PM
Oh, Sugarbell. So sorry. But good for you for setting your priorities. If he can't separate from mum, it's on him. As an adult, he has to choose and you can't do it for him. Live your life. If you choose to wait for him as your intimate partner, cool. However, don't you dare sit home! Go bowling, take yourself out to dinner, go to one of those Groupon wine and painting things, something. Perhaps he'll realize that not everyone sits and waits like he is doing and hopefully it will open his eyes.

You go, trying2! I don't always put my phone away when I am with NG but only take calls or texts when important, like from my house sitter. I did once take one from a friend as I thought something was wrong; she'd been having a rough time with her husband and I wanted to make sure I didn't need to round up the posse LOL. Other than that, we just use our phones to show one another stuff online or look for better directions somewhere. Every now and again he'll have to check for a work related message but even that's diminished with the new gig. He works extra hours right now with the drive to some of the locations so over the past two weekends we had one total miss (he was going to get back to me about going out on Sunday but never got back) and one hit (I messaged to ask if he wanted to go see the new Blade Runner this past weekend and he said yes; mind you, I texted on Friday evening and didn't hear back until about 8:30 pm because he was just getting in after leaving his place at about 4 am. I already had lunch plans for late afternoon on Sunday and by the time I got to him around 5 pm, he said he'd fallen asleep. But we went and had a good time, even though by the time we got back to his house he was wiped out and I just came on home). This coming Saturday, I'm going for an archery lesson. I am writing again as well.

Keep yourself active, friends -- while we can't help loving who we love, we must love ourselves and live as well. There's too much beauty and fun in the world!
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: Sugarbell on October 18, 2017, 09:08:12 PM
It's a different culture..old Appalachia culture. It's lots of family things..all of us..his sisters, Mom..extended family. I'm not stuck at home..just his Mom is around a lot. His Dad and other brother died right when he was going thru his divorce. Dad and oldest brother drove her everywhere then.

Now it's all on him.

I grew up here in rural WV..I understand the culture. But never grew up that way.

My family is polar opposite. Oldest son likes his family...middle kid thinks it's nuts and it's all a bunch of country folks and wants no part of it. Daughter just goes with the flow.

Time will tell. He's a wonderful man..but I'm slowing some of this down for a while.
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on October 19, 2017, 10:44:42 AM
Quote
Time will tell. He's a wonderful man..but I'm slowing some of this down for a while.

 I am here, too, SB.  Great guy, but there is so much stuff to work out with blending.  It will be 2 years in March for us when we started dating.  But not going to rush it now knowing more.

  I have a friend that is divorced twice and widowed once.  Yes, strange life she has had, marrying at 16 with a baby on the way.  Then her 2nd husband died.  3rd husband cheated and she left.  She has had blended families or new stepparents to manage. She has seen the best and worst and warns me often to be cautious.  Makes me go hmmmm.......
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: marriedwithkids77 on October 19, 2017, 01:58:22 PM
Ugh!

Put you and your son first!! That's pretty shitty of him (I know I know his kids).

Think I would focus on making a life for myself and son in New place and put a few walls up to NG. If its meant to be..he will work hard to also be there for you and your future. If not...-a move is still a good thing and make be what you need.


I agree
Title: Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
Post by: tybec on October 21, 2017, 07:38:42 AM
Well, after spending all last weekend together, nothing this week. We both have activities nightly almost with our own children.  And he volunteers one night a week at the VFW.  Well, I have been fine this week. I haven't worried about it and just talked briefly each day and carried on.  I am not playing games, just getting used to the reality of our lives.

NG has cub scout camping this weekend.  He called Friday on his way to get his kids, just to chat.  Asked me what we were doing for dinner, and I was at a drive thru.  OK, he'd talk later but thought maybe we could have met for dinner with the kids.  I text back he was welcome to come over later and let the kids play video games together. His kids are enamored with my son's knowledge of games and stuff.  Calls back and says he is on his way after they pick up something for dinner.

I laid low, and he sought out to see us.  I have to admit it makes me smile.  I told him I only have one more week left of my small group, and he commented I would be free that night then.  For a while I will be free.  ;)   I needed him to pursue time with us, me, not fit me in his schedule. 

Still, time will tell.