Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: Always on July 31, 2017, 10:15:02 AM

Title: The best laid plans...
Post by: Always on July 31, 2017, 10:15:02 AM
    I lost my soul mate one week ago.
    I am new to this forum, so please forgive me if I say anything people don't usually say.
    We were highschool sweethearts, graduated together, college together. Literally never apart for 13 years. We finally decided to get married 2 months ago. We have a home together and were starting to try for a baby. He was perfection to me.
    He just turned 29 on our honeymoon. Hes so young.
    I had been staying with my mom to help her recuperate from a major surgery, he was staying at our home to take care of our dog and would come every day during the day to be with me, and sleep at our home at night. I kissed him goodbye on Sunday and said see you in the morning.
    I guess he must have went to the community pool to relax that evening. He liked to sit on the edge of the pool and put his feet in. The area supposedly had small pockets of storms and heat lightning and with it being dark already he must not have noticed. The coroner says the lightening hit the pool and instantly stopped his heart. He fell in, and thats where my sister found him the next morning when we were looking for him.
How could this have happened? We were going to have babies. My whole life is him. I've never been an adult without him. I've never lived alone, hes always by my side. Hes my whole heart and I just can't believe this has happened. Everything I cook, was b/c he liked it, everything I wore was b.c I was trying to impress him, everything I did, we did together. How can I live without half my soul??
I miss him so much. I just keep waiting for him to come down the hallway. I know in my brain hes gone but my heart is just waiting for him.
I feel like he talks to me in my heart. I beg for him and I hear him tell me hes okay, His words in my heart are the only thing keeping me going. The agony of missing him is overwhelming.
Our life, our plans...
Why did God take him so young? Why did he have us meet and grow up together and become so entwined and then rip him away? 
Everyone keeps telling me to "lean on God" and "God takes those he loves the most"  but I don't understand. They say "The best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry" and that "the only plans that matter are Gods" If God loves me, and loves my husband why would he put us together and then rip us apart? That doesnt seem like a merciful or loving God. It seems cruel.
I feel him in my heart, I feel like hes in heaven, and hes watching over me and our families, so I feel like he's with God and hes telling me to open my mind to God, even when when hes been a doubter, its like now he knows now and hes leading me this churchy way. But I'm struggling. I'm asking God and Jesus to help me understand but I'm struggling.

Thank you for listening.
 
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: Mizpah on July 31, 2017, 11:42:07 AM
please forgive me if I say anything people don't usually say.

That's what this place is for.  And nothing you said sounds crazy to me, except that the man you love so much died so young.  (I can relate very much to that, as my DH died at 28 (just as we were about to start trying to start our family) in a freak accident as well - a car got into an accident that flew up onto the sidewalk right where he happened to be at that moment.  That was more than six years ago now.)

I encourage you (and all the other new widows) to write here as much as you need to and not worry about seeming crazy.  It really helped me and others.  I also strongly suggest therapy, which helped me as well, to have a time and a place to say all the things I thought sounded too crazy and hopeless to say in real life.

I was spared from asking "why" because of my particular belief system, but I know many who struggled with this and with their faith.  I read all the grief books I could find, and there was one you may find something in: "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by Harold Kushner.  It was written by a rabbi whose very young son died after a short life of lots of suffering.  He was forced to confront exactly the thoughts and struggles about Gd that you are confronting.  I loved the book.  Nothing can take away your suffering, but you can find little pearls of comfort and solace along the way. 

I am thinking of you.  It feels so daunting, to breathe, to survive each moment and day, let alone to have to reenvision a future and even to rediscover your own identity apart from him and your relationship.  From years out: it is a very very very gradual process.  Take each moment as it comes, and try not to torture yourself by focusing on the huge overwhelming stuff like what you're going to do with your life now.  That will be a very gradual process made up of lots and lots of moments.  This moment is all you can do. 
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: bromans on July 31, 2017, 12:23:58 PM
Hi Always. I'm so so sorry.

I hear so much of myself in what you wrote here. My wife and I were high school sweethearts as well. We went to different schools, but chose to go to the same college and got married soon after. She was ion an accident just over 5 months ago. I know what it's like to grow up with someone you love with all your being and have them taken away. I found myself looking around for her advice when planning her funeral only to have reality, like a kick to the chest, set back in. I've never made one important decision without her. I've never lived alone. I've never pictured a future for myself where she and my children weren't there, yet right when we were about to start a family...she's gone --just weeks before her 24th birthday. I would never wish this on my worst enemy, and I hate that you had to join this awful club.

Like Mizpah said, anything you say is welcome here. This is a group of people who understand. Post as much or as little as you like, and it will be read, understood. I've only been here 5 months, but it has been one of the best things I could have done for myself to join. I will also join Mizpah in suggesting therapy. I was skeptical at first, but it is truly a place to just let out everything that you can't say in everyday life. Also, if you find someone who you particularly relate with on here, you might message them. For me, it has been nice having more in-dept conversations with fellow wids.

Thinking of you.
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: MR on July 31, 2017, 02:18:11 PM
Hi Always,
Sorry to see you in this club which nobody should join. I am 11 months out and still feels lost sometimes. I suppose it will happen even after few years. I lost my wife of almost 20 years in a medical injury. Similar to bromans i never did anything alone even she use to select my clothes and now have to do everything on my own. This forum is good as you can speak or read as per your wish. Take one day at a time and you will learn slowly slowly to deal with this grief. We are here for you.

Hugs
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: Julester3 on July 31, 2017, 03:42:00 PM
What a horrible freak accident! I am sorry you are joining us here but you are not crazy and trying to process what has happened is just so overwhelming and difficult to understand. I have only been with my late husband from college to marriage though I had known him as a friend since 7th grade. Your life with your husband was probably as tightly intertwined as mine was. It feels kinda like someone ripped off your arms and now you have to still figure out how to swim. Please be kind to yourself and vent as you need. Hugs to you.
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: geminigirl on July 31, 2017, 07:32:42 PM
Welcome and sorry you're a member of our sad club. I'm at 14 months out now and I know it doesn't seem possible now but one day it will hurt a little less.

At one week out just try to focus on survival and try not to look too far ahead. All you have to do at this moment is get through the next hour and that's it. Eat a little something if you can and surround yourself with the people that love you. Come here and vent all you need to because we speak your language now and understand exactly how you feel. Just reading your words brings me back to those early days and my heart hurts for you.
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: Always on July 31, 2017, 08:38:14 PM
Thank you for the replys, Its reassuring to know that I'm not alone.
Reaching out so early I think I am just grasping that this is real life and I'm floundering and needing the words of people who've been through it too.
One moment at a time.
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: butterfly on August 04, 2017, 09:21:15 PM
 :'(
I am sorry for your loss.  I don't know what to do on this forum either - but telling you I am sorry you are going through this (sorry anyone has to go through this) seemed better than doing what I was doing - running around the lonely house screaming "This was not the plan"

Take care of yourself

butterfly
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: AlisonF on August 05, 2017, 06:57:41 PM
Hi Always,

You are not alone, all of what you said is so familiar. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

It's been over 3 months since I lost my husband, it feels like a lifetime. We too were trying to start a family. In the short time that has past, I wondered why we had found each other, only to part is such a sudden and horrific way, but a thought came to me last week, my husband was so very happy to be in love, to love me and to be loved by me. I realised that being together and sharing so much love had made his life so full. His life was short but together we both knew great love. And this is why I believe we found each other. Its heartbreaking that he is not here anymore and we are all without our great loves. But our relationships do not suddenly disappear, they continue only very differently.


I'm thinking of you here.
Title: Re: The best laid plans...
Post by: Cela on August 16, 2017, 03:48:05 PM
I know this post is a little older, but I wanted to say that I'm so sorry to meet you here. I feel like I can relate to you in some ways as I am also a newlywed. It definitely is completely  unfair.

My husband passed after a motorcycle accident almost 2 months ago. Everyday is a challenge. I hope you are receiving some support at home. Im sending you hugs.