Young Widow Forum

Specific Situations => Young Widowed Parents => Topic started by: Adley on August 04, 2017, 05:25:59 PM

Title: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: Adley on August 04, 2017, 05:25:59 PM
Rather it played itself. We made it to New Mexico and everything has been going surprisingly smooth compared to the last 4+ years. New apartment, kids enrolled in school, and did a tour of the daycare across the street yesterday and got applications. I picked these apartments because the school and daycare are right across the street and couldn't believe how lucky I was. I went back to the daycare with the applications this morning and it spoke with a different lady (this is a large facility and actually much more than a daycare) and our spots were already filled. The dread that washed over me was indescribable. A week left till the job and school start, long way from home, the responsibility of children, all the other daycares are booked, I was in internal freak out mode. The lady was maybe twenty. She must've seen it on my face, because when I barely mumbled "Please. Please. My wife is dead and we're a thousand miles from home and y'all're all I got", she took off to an adjacent office. By the time they called me in there (the kids were looking at a fish aquarium) she, I, and two other ladies were crying. I'm pretty sure I don't look like the kind of guy who folks expect to cry, and a few years ago, they would've been right.
    They all gave me a hug and told me how it wasn't just a daycare, they're their because they love children. And they're gonna break their own rules. I feel such gratitude and may God bless them forever. We all talked and I thanked them several times and left so thankful. Walking out and mentally reviewing events, guilt set in. I'd never done that before. Of course widowhood has come up a number of times with strangers, with all the expected and unexpected comments. But I never used it to get something I wouldn't normally get. It just popped out. I didn't do it on purpose and I don't think there was really anything wrong with it since it came from such a sense of desperation. It just doesn't feel right. At all. But I don't know what else I could have done. Anybody have similar experiences?
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: sojourner on August 04, 2017, 07:32:19 PM
I don't think you "played" anything- the rug came out from under you, and the bottom line came out of your mouth, unbidden. I haven't had that happen in regard to widowhood exactly, but it's definitely happened to me before in one circumstance or another. Sometimes the truth just comes blurting out unintended, and that throws a person!

I think it was for the best in your situation even if it left you feeling out of whack; glad the childcare got lined up!
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: Trying on August 04, 2017, 07:35:55 PM
I can't even imagine the panic you felt when you thought all of your careful planning was falling apart!  Don't feel guilty, you reacted like a human and they responded like humans.  So glad it worked out and good luck with this new adventure!
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: Julester3 on August 04, 2017, 08:21:49 PM
I don't see anything wrong. You are being honest. I don't feel you played anything either - it was just an honest reaction to potentially not getting your plans aligned. I am glad that they will accommodate you! It means they are truly good people then.
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: jgib on August 05, 2017, 01:04:05 AM
You are over sensitive because of what you have been through.  It is all good.  I am glad you came in contact  with compassionate people.  Win, win.
It is not like you pulled the " Do you know who I am" card.  You needed help and people came through.  Be grateful you ran into good folk and enjoy your new life!
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: calimom on August 05, 2017, 11:32:46 PM
Well played, sir. Sometimes when life deals a shitty hand, you just have to play the cards you have. It's one thing to use the widda card to get outof something like a speeding ticket or a late credit card bill, but you used it to get into a community where your small children will be well cared for while you work to support your family.

Once in awhile things just happen the way they're supposed to. And I somehow have the feeling when the daycare puts out the call for volunteers to help clean 24 tiny chairs, paint a classroom or man the grill for the annual fundraiser, you'll be the first one who shows up with a scrub brush, a paintbrush or a spatula.

Best to you and your kids. You're a great dad.
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: trying2breathe on August 06, 2017, 08:56:05 PM
No guilt on this one, it played out like it should have and there was nothing wrong at all with this.  I've had similar circumstances where my world was crashing down, being widowed inadvertently popped out and I was treated differently.  At the time it didn't feel that I was taking advantage.  The new daycare community sounds wonderful. 
Good luck to you - sounds like the adventure has begun for you and your kids!
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: Adley on August 07, 2017, 07:56:05 AM
Thanks guys! This is the worlds greatest support group!
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: Mizpah on August 14, 2017, 02:17:01 PM
All you did was be genuine, an authentic person, and be a good father.  Doesn't sound at all like you played anything or anyone.  Give yourself a break. 
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: Adley on August 15, 2017, 01:39:02 AM
Appreciate that, Mizpah, and everybody else easing me in that direction. I did cut myself a break. And worked and we did our thing and my mother took a vacation to come out and "help" (really need a break from good intentions right now)(she's leaving tomorrow) and it sort of turned our new routine upside down. So today was the first day of school, but I gotta leave it under this topic because the wid card still seems relevant. Good drop off at daycare, six minutes of slack on my trip between daycare and work if all the traffic lights cooperate, many of you all know that deal. Good day at work, coming home looking forward to hearing stories of the first day at school. My youngest, 5yo boy I was the most worried about. He'd never been to school or daycare, has hung with me through dirty farm, ranch, and construction jobs since before his memory started. I read to them all (a long time) at night eighty per cent of the time I bet, and while my 6 and eight yo girls could read pretty well at four, it's like pulling teeth to get him to run through the alphabet. By George he's solid, though. This morning he bucked and bucked on going to school, ha and when I laughed and told him he was goin, he said " well, I'm not gonna make any friends, though". That was funny, he's a card, you know? Needless to say, I thought he'd be the one to rebel.
    But he had a ball.
   And I came home to a meltdown. My 6yo daughter, (award for top of the class last year, and fastest kid in K and 1st last yr, parents gotta brag a little) first day of first grade, and the sweetest, what-do-you-need-help-with child says no at school. NO. Get me outta here. I talked to the counselor an hour at least after work. She finally calmed her down by letting her stay in little brothers class to show him the ropes of school. Who, incidentally, is the mother of the lady who got us into the daycare in the first place, enter wid card.
   I come in the apt, mother had picked them up early per my request, and sweetypie lets it FLY. Doesn't like it here. City water is "awful". Wants to go home. I decided to go to work and wouldn't stay home with her. We don't need money. Wants to go home. Can't understand her teacher. Wants to go home. Kids ask about her Mama. Wants to go home. Doesn't have any land to play on. Kids talk about their Mama. Wants to go home. Misses the garden, goats, chickens, the woods, you name it, she named it, in a 45 minute wailing session in my arms that I haven't heard from her since Mama died when she was three. I stayed cool, that was hours ago, but now I question it all. There was serious heartbreak in her voice.
    I gotta hit my old gray collar career at least another few years or else I'll be subsistence farming or doing whatever work I can get my hands on or get some office gig (please no) in another big town till they're graduated. Which wouldn't kill me, but it would suck. Till I'm near fifty.
   My oldest and youngest are extroverted and dig camping the mountains and desert on the weekends, but middle daughter needs nature all the time. I do too, that's one reason I chose my career field. How can I rob her? Anybody ever moved the kids from home base to a different scene?
Title: Re: Played the wid card, didn't feel right
Post by: Wheelerswife on August 15, 2017, 11:45:11 AM
Ah, Adley,

I don't have kids myself and can't imagine the heartache you feel trying to pull off life with your kids - trying to do the right thing for stability in your little family.

I'm going to have to say you are a great parent...there are so many others here, too, trying to navigate the world without their co-parent/spouse with them.

I hope your little girl is able to get up each day and find something wonderful about her new school and class and her new friends and your new home.