Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Social Encounters => Topic started by: Kaycee on September 30, 2017, 02:31:26 AM

Title: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Kaycee on September 30, 2017, 02:31:26 AM
Well to begin with I already know I made a horrible mistake. I was approached by my husband's best friend after my husband died and he has a girlfriend. It started out with him telling me that he would always be there for me. Everyone in my life pretty much abandoned me. He even told me that his girlfriend didn't want him helping me with anything, She had told me before all of this happened that there was nothing going on between them and that she just lived with him because she didn't have the money to rent another place and he told me the same thing. as time went on we got closer. He told me that he was in love with me and that he wanted us to have a future. And like an idiot I believed him. Things got more stressful as time went on, I saw where she put up a post about them being together for the next 50 years. So I ask him if there was nothing going on then why was she saying that. He told me she just put on a show in front of people. So I told him that he should tell her if he didn't feel the same. We got in a argument and I told him it wasn't fair to either of us and she needed to know the truth. So he argued with me and I told him I had enough and if he didn't tell her the truth I would. So he told her and then told me that we had nothing else to say to each other. He made me feel like he was the only person in the world that cared for me. He told me he would never leave me like everyone else did and then turned around and did that very thing. I know that it was wrong. I know that she must feel awful if he was telling her the same thing. I hate myself for it. I don't understand how you can tell someone that you love them and then just turn your back. I don't know exactly what he said to her. He wouldn't tell me all of it. I just know that I feel hurt and used. I feel like that he took advantage of me when he knew I was hurting and alone. I honestly don't want to live anymore.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: faye on September 30, 2017, 07:07:08 AM
Humans are complicated beings.
 We don't always do the right things.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and so sorry you're hurt. 
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Mrskro on September 30, 2017, 07:43:13 AM
Quote
I just know that I feel hurt and used. I feel like that he took advantage of me when he knew I was hurting and alone.

I am so sorry you are going through this. 

In my opinion he did take advantage of you, so many people leave us during our grieving and I can completely understand why you would stay close to him.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Julester3 on September 30, 2017, 08:34:16 AM
I too think he took advantage of you. You are already emotionally vulnerable after grief and we yearn for that loving wanted feeling at least I know I do. You did a good thing for yourself by confronting him. A relationship with no clear honesty is not a good base. Hugs for the day.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Bunny on September 30, 2017, 11:04:00 AM
Happiness after such intense grief is a most powerful and addicting drug and can cause one to make less than rational decisions. Please cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for whatever it is you're feeling guilty about. I'm so sorry you were betrayed like this. Obviously I dont have all the facts but it seems to me like they have always been together and are still together.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Kaycee on September 30, 2017, 09:36:23 PM
Thank you all for the kind words. He called me earlier with her listening and told me that he was in love with me up until I asked him to tell her the truth. He said he told her that he told me he didn't love her and so on. Then he asked her what she wanted to do an she wanted to stay with him. So he said that he was going to work it out with her because I had pushed him too far with an ultimatum. So there was no love there in the first place. I know that now. It just hurts so much to be used. I helped him financially a few times when he needed help. I was always there for him no matter what. I really believed in my heart that he loved me.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: faye on October 01, 2017, 07:27:47 AM
*eye roll* 

Those two deserve one another.

You deserve much better.

Onward and upward.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Lisa on October 01, 2017, 02:08:03 PM
i am so sorry for your pain. his behavior is abhorrent. dont blame yourself. its ok to be sad and mad, dont let him beat you. if you are very emotionally distressed, please consider counseling.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: ladybug on October 01, 2017, 09:04:57 PM
I agree, those two deserve each other.    So very sorry you are hurting.   Things will get better....you deserve so much better.   

Sending you good thoughts for the week ahead.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: StillWidowed on October 02, 2017, 10:41:04 AM
Kaycee,

I am SO sorry this happened to you.  You did nothing wrong.  You were heartbroken and grieving and looking for someone to ease that pain.  I had someone do something similar when I was only six months out.  It was just awful.  And just compounded my grief.  I agree with the others that those two deserve each other. 

All these years later, the man that took advantage of me and used me at the worst time of my life, his life is now going up in flames.  Both his business and personal reputation is trashed.  I had a colleague tell me last week, as she whispered in my ear, that he is a complete joke in our field of work.  No one respects him.  And the crazy thing is that I literally have a front row seat to it all.  It's one thing to say karma is a bitch, but it's another to actually see it taking place.

Hold tight.  Come here to cry and vent.

(((Hugs)))
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Mizpah on October 02, 2017, 11:56:46 AM
DH's boss was walking the line with me and tempting me to cross it (he had a gf) right after DH died.  I was extremely vulnerable, extremely emotional, and desperate for comfort and connection.  I somehow prevented myself from engaging, but I can see how it easily could've gone the other way.  Even without taking part, just the possibility and his attempt was very destabilizing for me back then, so I can only imagine how uncentered and adrift you must be feeling.  I know it's painful, but being free from this situation and this individual (I cannot believe the insanity of that three-way phone call), I believe that later, once you are ok, you're going to realize how lucky you are not to be still with this person.  I hope that you can re-center soon.  Have you been seeing anyone (therapist)?  Time doesn't "heal all wounds," but it sure as h*ll helps.  I hope you can refocus on yourself and build strength from the inside out.  I'm thinking of you.  Seriously, F this guy, I'm so glad this episode is in your rearview mirror.  Lick your wounds.  This guy is not the answer to your pain.  I'm so sorry.  How terrible. 
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: faye on October 02, 2017, 08:06:02 PM
Time doesn't "heal all wounds,"

Is it a bad thing to hope that time wounds all heels?
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Kaycee on October 03, 2017, 04:26:50 PM
I wish I could just be happy again. I feel angry one minute and sad the next. Sometimes I really wish he would just call and  say he was sorry and tell me why he did this to me. Then again at times I don't want to speak to him ever again. I just wish I had more answers.  :'(
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Bunny on October 03, 2017, 07:05:00 PM
Sadly, I think the answer is you were the victim of a very predatory male. He wanted to sleep with his best friend's wife- and it sounds like he got some financial benefit out of it also. That he would blame 'falling out of love' with you on the fact that you required complete honesty for all parties involved is just really rich.  I wish I could kick that f*cker in the...shins...real hard.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Kaycee on October 03, 2017, 10:16:13 PM
I feel horrible that it even happened.  I should have known better. I do feel bad or the other woman involved. I feel horrible that this went on without me telling her. She didn't deserve to be lied to and I  take responsibility for that.  I just hope she wakes up one day and realizes what a piece of crap he is. I hope everything around him crumbles and he feels the same type of pain I have felt.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Mizpah on October 04, 2017, 10:07:48 AM
I wish I could just be happy again. I feel angry one minute and sad the next. Sometimes I really wish he would just call and  say he was sorry and tell me why he did this to me. Then again at times I don't want to speak to him ever again. I just wish I had more answers.  :'(

I hate to be all "let's look at the bright side of this," because I hate the positivity cult, but honestly, the good news is that what you're saying is stuff "normal" non-widowed people say when going through breakups.  You liked him, he hurt you - you have feelings!  And to the extent "rebound" is a thing, you got that out of the way?  Breakups are painful because they involve detoxing from someone who gave you the things we all crave.  And this one especially because he helped you find comfort and refuge from your grief.  It's going to take time, and suffering, to get over him and having someone.  We're all here.  I'm cheering you on. 
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Kaycee on October 04, 2017, 05:02:36 PM
I know that he wasn't that great of a person now. We started having problems when he started telling lies and never wanting to be around unless I was doing something for him. I started feeling worthless and hurt. I know that I'm better off and that I dodged a bullet but I can't help missing him. He said he wouldbhave stayed if I hadn't fought with him so much but I couldn't ignore what I was seeing. I know I need time to heal. I just don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm 34 with two kids. I just hope that one day I will meet someone who will love us and not hurt us. I loved my husband with all my heart and there will never be anyone like him. He was a great stepdad and husband. I loved him so much and he loved us. I feel like I betrayed him by letting this happen. I just wanted to feel something besides pain for awhile. My life has never been easy. I just wish I could catch a break.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Love2fish on October 04, 2017, 05:17:08 PM
Keep the faith Kaycee.  I can tell from your last post that you have this problem under control.  This is a great place to vent. 

I get the "can't help missing him" thing.  Be kind to yourself.  We don't always fall in love with the right people or even good people.  I'm glad you dodged that bullet and that you will try again.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: arneal on October 05, 2017, 02:17:11 PM
Kaycee -- you are certainly not alone. I say, if we all put our life stories together and then put our post-loss stories together, we'd be rich at the top of the sad Country songs charts. Many of us have been widowed more than once (raises hand), been in abusive situations (the first marriage, raises hand), been taken advantage of in times of vulnerability (first stab at online dating, raises hand).

Let that sadness and anger turn to productivity for you and your children. I used it to clean my garage, rearrange my family room, and change other decor around this place to make it mine. Let your kids see the strong person that you are. Start doing things that make you happy -- pick up a new hobby or reignite an old one. You'll be surprised at how fulfilling that can be. No, it won't fill the emptiness but it will strengthen you and when it's time, you'll get back out there and find someone to add to your and your childrens' lives, on your terms. {{{hugs}}} and don't hesitate, like StillWidowed said, vent here as much as you need. We're here for you.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Kaycee on October 05, 2017, 11:11:48 PM
Thank you all. I'm trying my best to stay strong. I actually talked to my son's counselor today by myself when we went for his visit. She gave me some good advice on what I need to work toward. I have been so overwhelmed with school, work, the kids, losing my husband, and this horrible relationship that I haven't really been able to deal with my grief. I guess it's time to slow down and figure out how to make the best life possible for the kids and myself. I know in my heart that I deserve better than the relationship I was just in. It's just very hard losing the comfort of talking to someone everyday and feeling like you have a chance at being happy with someone again. It's even harder knowing that he was someone (at least in the beginning) that I could talk to that really knew my husband.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: arneal on October 06, 2017, 09:40:49 AM
It all takes time, Kaycee. We all have different paces. Due to the circumstances, some of us here are still not ready to let anyone else into our hearts, while others of us embraced that possibility early. Some found that special person while others have not. Some have been hurt, as you have; we are here to support each other, no matter the pace. Remember, your children need you strong. Do what you need to care for yourself and them. While a certain level of vulnerability is sometimes seen as attractive between two people, it can also invite the worst type of people into our lives if we aren't careful with how and why we are vulnerable.

I was 30 when the first husband died. My neighbor's son broke into my house not too many months after; while I was dealing with getting my landlord and the police in order, this neighbor came over to ask if I was okay. I was rattled but angry and said so. He left. A while later, he asked if he could mow my backyard, this scruffy little pass of grass that took me about a half-hour with an electric weed whacker. I said sure. I didn't think any more of it until I noticed a couple months later he had stopped. I went back to tending it myself. One day while walking to the pizza shop, I passed another of my neighbors who told me in no uncertain terms that the man had only done it in hopes of being invited in  :o I was shocked -- the man was married and our houses were so close across the walkway that if his wife stuck her arm out the kitchen window, she and I could hold hands. I was furious.

In that case, I wasn't showing any vulnerability at all. I didn't even really talk to those folks for them to know anything about my life. He still tried to get near me. Just ew!

I share that to say that we have to be careful with our hearts, especially at times like this and for the sake of our children. Know that we are here for you and feel free to ask all the questions you need. Vent as you like. That's what this space is for.
Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: faye on October 08, 2017, 11:37:54 AM
I feel horrible that it even happened.  I should have known better. I do feel bad or the other woman involved. I feel horrible that this went on without me telling her. She didn't deserve to be lied to and I  take responsibility for that.  I just hope she wakes up one day and realizes what a piece of crap he is. I hope everything around him crumbles and he feels the same type of pain I have felt.

You didn't have the responsibility to be honest and straightforward with her.  That duty belonged to her live-in partner.  A woman who would monitor his phone call to you and tell him what to say would seem to be an ideal match for him.  I'm sort of puzzling over the idea that you "ruined this by demanding he choose."  She wouldn't be the first person to ignore an affair, so long as her nose wasn't rubbed in it, though.

As someone who had a live-in boyfriend cheat, I was angry with the boyfriend, not the girl he dated. Heaven only knows what he told her.  He probably lied to her.  He lied to me.

Title: Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
Post by: Kaycee on October 08, 2017, 07:27:18 PM
I think he was pretty much telling me that if I had kept my mouth shut and let him have his way that he would have left her when the time was right. He said I argued too much with him and it opened his eyes to how things really were. He sickens me. As long as he was happy everything was fine.