Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Beyond the First Year (1+ years) => Topic started by: KrypticKat on October 02, 2017, 11:38:09 PM

Title: The in-laws strike again
Post by: KrypticKat on October 02, 2017, 11:38:09 PM
I'm proud to say I've actually been doing pretty well. I worked really hard to work through my grief and pain for the last year and remove myself from people who are truly toxic. And I should have known better than involving myself with those toxic people again. Only to open up wounds and set me back.

I just moved into my new house and flipped open my husband's laptop figuring I could use it down in the living room so I wouldn't have to go to the office to do paperwork. When I turned it on I realized it was still logged into his email. His email which is still connected to his Facebook which I still have not brought myself to close. And there it was... A message from my mother-in-law. She was responding to a post that another family member (which I still speak to) haf shared. A post about the coffee that I had got named after my husband. Her response was that she thought it was lovely but it would have been nice if the immediate family have been told and nd that one of the dates in the memorial was incorrect. I'm shortening her snarky respone in this post. The date error was an honest mistake by the company which could have happened to anyone and I had the company correct it immediately. Her post wasn't directed at me but it was snarky and looking for flaws in the most beautiful memory I have made after my husband's death. She was looking for a reason to tear it down. I could feel my blood boiling as I read the message.

How dare this hypocrite say this about my beautiful Memorial to my husband. This woman who didn't even mention me in the scholarship she had made in his name which she never told me about. A scholarship which literally list seven different people connected to my husband, three of whom are dead. A scholarship that used pictures that were before him and I ever met. That scholarship sent the message that I didn't count. But I held my tongue because in the end it's just her directing childish anger at me and doesn't diminish the value of the loving relationship I had with the man in the story.

I know I shouldn't let her affect me. This is a woman that will never accept that my husband loved me more than anything and I loved him more than anything. He will always be her little baby and she cannot recognize the value I brought into his life. And yet it's like she's still under my skin like an infection. Just seeing those few small words was enough to bring me to tears and make me need to call my parents who I haven't needed to call in a moment of desperate emotion for quite a while. It reaffirms for me that I need to keep my distance. I can say witj certainly I did everything I could to be respectful and give my MIL what she needed when I was capable. But this woman tried to turn the family against me even when I wasn't relevant to her life anymore. She tried to physically take things from me. My husband's ashes his belongings his personal information... I get that she was just trying to cling to everything she could get her hands on. Even if it was at the expense of the woman he loved more than anything. And that is why I stepped away. Because of my respect for my husband I didn't want to rip into this woman. I tried to keep a neutral  relationship but the reality is I did not burn the bridge between us. I simply acknowledged that she had already burned it.
Title: Re: The in-laws strike again
Post by: Julester3 on October 03, 2017, 06:56:54 AM
Hugs to you. I know how difficult and thoughtless inlaws can be. Sucks to find this out. If you have access to your husband's FB account and email, set yourself as his person - you can then either delete his account or memorialize it.
Title: Re: The in-laws strike again
Post by: beth_krkswidow on October 05, 2017, 11:23:47 AM
So so sorry
Title: Re: The in-laws strike again
Post by: TornApart on October 27, 2017, 09:20:39 AM
What an a-grade b*tch. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for controlling yourself and maintaining your dignity. Out-laws... i basically divorced them and that's when i started healing. But to be fair, my MIL has been beautiful to me, if a bit clueless and torn because her children attacked her for supporting me.
Sorry you are coping with that hideousness on top of it all.
Title: Re: The in-laws strike again
Post by: kjs1989 on November 03, 2017, 05:56:28 PM
 I am sorry, KK. Those who can maintain a good relationship with the in-laws after losing their spouse are indeed fortunate. I think in the heartbreak of grief and the almost panicked and at times self-serving need for the in-laws to hang on to their relationship with our spouse, they forget that we widows/widowers and our children are the primary family and our choices and wishes take precedence.

 This was a huge problem with D's  brother, who was very much there for me in the beginning. At the time, I was in such a foggy state of mind that I just wanted decisions made for me. I was agreeable to almost everything he proposed. Fortunately, I had good advisors looking out for me. When the fog cleared and I started to make decisions on my own that didn't always benefit him or solidify what he saw as his predominant relationship with his brother over me, things went south. I lost trust in him after several  attempted underminings in business and in personal situations. I still want to believe he is a good person, but that in his grief he was driven by emotion to do and say the hurtful things he did.

We have no relationship at all now. I am not sure it can ever be fixed. Now that D is gone and I won't be controlled, there is no need for me. The really sad part is the kids are left in the fall-out.

Title: Re: The in-laws strike again
Post by: KrypticKat on November 06, 2017, 09:54:03 PM
Thanks everyone. It's nice to know others can relate to this struggle. I actually have an update from tonight. It turns out his father side of the family is so fed up with my MILs Behavior that his paternal Grandfather is actually going to pull her aside and tell her if she's so hell-bent on people picking a side she's the one that's going to get left in the dust. Because I have been classy and haven't asked people to pick sides. Because I remain neutral and because they know how much my husband loved me and I loved him they're done with her BS. I honestly thought there would be no justice as she's done nothing but act like a child for the last year. But now the child has drawn the line in the sand and she's having a hissy fit because nobody standing on her side of the beach. This feels like a little victory. Who knows how it'll actually play out though.