Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Relationships/Remarriage => Topic started by: duckie on November 14, 2017, 05:39:48 PM

Title: First NG
Post by: duckie on November 14, 2017, 05:39:48 PM
This is my first time in this section of the board.  I remember it feeling so foreign on the old ywbb.  I even learned a new acronym.

I am pretty shocked right now at what has happened over the last month.  I don't really date.  I describe it the same way I do poutine (look that up if need be - it's fantastic): I eat it only once a year as it takes that long for me to forget how sick it makes me.

I went on my yearly date last month expecting the same as usual; I'm immediately turned off by them, I suffer a couple hours, then later have to have that awkward text conversation about how I'm just not that into them.

That did not happen at all.  My first thought upon seeing him was "wow, he's super hot!".  And then the date turned out just awesome!  I finally had to call an end to it as I was a little overwhelmed by how well it was going and needed to step back and process.

Things have sorta just continued on from there.  We slept together pretty quickly and have been spending more and more time together.   A lot of the things I was scared would happen, haven't. I try to not think too much about what is happening and just enjoy it, but the reality of it is a little scary.  There's an extra toothbrush in my bathroom.

I was a bit "wild" in my youth, focused more on my studies than on settling down, and when DH came along, that was a bit of a surprise then too.  Our first date lasted 12 hours and things progressed with him quickly as well.  It feels similar now to then - but typing that makes me sad and I don't want to touch that emotion too much.

And then, oh god, I saw some of your posts on breakups.  I've never had a real breakup in my life!  And then I remember NG's longest relationship has been 18 months.  He knows breakups.  Why am I now worried about a breakup when I can't even think of calling someone a "boyfriend"?

I'm so new to this real dating thing.  How do you guys do it?

edit: I'm so new to this section of the board, I think I posted it in the wrong sub-section.
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: Leadfeather on November 14, 2017, 06:14:19 PM
I'm so new to this real dating thing.  How do you guys do it?

I am right there with you. I have dated one woman in my life. One. I got lucky and it was a good one. Now at 48 I need to learn how to do dating.

One thing I have learned to do very quickly is recalibrate my expectations, after 27 years with the same woman all of my signal processing was still stuck on married mode. After a few missteps I now approach a first date, meet and greet, whatever you call it knowing I am not looking for the second love of my life, I am looking to have an enjoyable hour (in public get your mind out of the gutter :P) with an attractive woman. If something else develops from there great, if not, also great because I still had an enjoyable hour with another person and am one "miss wrong" closer to finding "miss right".
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: Captains wife on November 15, 2017, 06:55:46 AM
I've dated a lot but it is still somewhat "scary" because it's impossible to know how things will work out. I've learned over time that worrying about it too much, over analyzing was not helpful and in fact a hindrance when trying to date someone. I know it's easier said than done but enjoy that you met someone you want to spend time with in Chapter 2 (that in itself can be tough!) Try and enjoy the time getting to know this new person and have fun! It can be concerning when you are dating someone with a much shorter relationship history but maybe this person just hasn't met the right match?! But if I were you I'd also be a bit protective of myself - enjoy dating but try and move at a slower pace so you can really get to know this person. Wishing you all the best - and try not to worry too much.
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: trying2breathe on November 15, 2017, 08:02:01 AM
I'm so new to this real dating thing.  How do you guys do it?

Good question!  I too was shocked at my immediate connection with NG, never imagined that I'd be in a relationship like this.  I also take a step back and process every once in awhile. As wids we've been through the ultimate breakup, the death of a spouse/SO - anything else pales in comparison in my opinion.  To not feel completely overwhelmed, I say that I've found somebody and am having fun.  One day at at a time - enjoy the ride!
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: Mizpah on November 15, 2017, 08:58:15 AM
Oh gosh, this post made me so happy to read (and not just because you're understatedly hilarious).  I hope you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying it for you!  I have no advice because I seem to always move fast, and I think it's mostly because I only have two categories: this isn't/you aren't worth my time and I must escape this very moment, OR I like this/you and could do this forever and ever.  A thought I wish I'd had back when I started my first post-death relationship: don't freak yourself out by all that a tiny casual comparison could bring, because there's a simple and huge common factor in your DH relationship and any future relationship: you.  Don't make too much of anything until you've factored that in.  And: yes, there is risk and pain in caring and having feelings, but I can say - having had a deeply rocky phase in my NG relationship - I can say whole-heartedly that it's worth it.  It sounds lovely.  I'm wishing you all the best in this, and in your enjoyment of it.  xoxoxo
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: duckie on November 16, 2017, 05:07:20 AM
Thanks guys for your words of encouragement.  And, Mizpah, I'm so glad you saw this as it's definitely not something I share on facebook!  I've read a few of your posts here about the rough time you went through with NG - again, not something shared on facebook! - and it gives me a bit of relief.  No one's new relationship is perfect.

He's upstairs sleeping as we speak!  How strange.  But I'll try not to think about it too much and just enjoy.  I completely forgot what this is like... but I have missed the companionship/partnership even if I didn't realize it.

A huge thank you on the note about comparisons and not to beat myself up over it.  I'll remember, Mizpah, that there is indeed something in common - me.
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: arneal on November 17, 2017, 10:44:37 AM
Welcome, duckie -- what a rollercoaster ride, right? Mizpah's post is fabulous, as always! One thing that several of us here have commented on over at the 'For those in budding relationships' thread (and do join us if you like), this thing called dating or building a new chapter doesn't look the same for any of us. We have fits and starts, we have freakout moments, we have like Mizpah said those days where we just never want to let the new person go, and others where we want to hole up in our own hovels and not come out to talk or text for days.

I agree with Captains Wife and Leadfeather -- take a moment to breathe, assess yourself, and determine what it is you have going on. It is true that some people haven't found that special someone to spend lots of time with. Have you had conversations about your pasts? You mention the emotion you feel about your DH; does NG express any such emotion about a past love? Sometimes, and I dare say it goes for all of us, we spend a lot of time sharing negative stories about past situations -- I have told my NG all about my abusive first marriage, he has done the same. I don't spend as much time talking about my second marriage, which was quite good. I think he gets that, just from the way I live my life. Yet we have gotten to a place after (gasp!) a year and a half where I believe we know each other pretty well. At least I hope so  :o

The point is, know yourself, be yourself, determine what you want (a casual relationship, a serious relationship) and don't settle. In the meantime, protect your heart -- as trying mentioned, we are a different breed, us wids, no matter what the circumstance or relationship before -- and enjoy. All the best!
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: Sandi1970 on December 15, 2017, 03:20:20 AM
So cool!!!
Take it easy & just be yourself! ENJOY! Happy for you!
Also cool that I decided to come do some reading tonight & there's DUCKIE! Also, so many comfortable, recognizable wids!
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: azjane on April 05, 2018, 07:09:06 PM
How are things going? Hope you're enjoying yourself  :)
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: duckie on April 07, 2018, 06:13:50 AM
How are things going? Hope you're enjoying yourself  :)

Thanks for asking!  I've been thinking of updating here but didn't want to start a new thread.  It's still going very well! :)

He met my family over Easter weekend and I now have to go have dinner with his mom sometime soon.  Things are easy - the way things should be, right?  It's gotten to the point where I feel like I have a partner in life again and I had forgotten how lovely that was! I've even RSVP'd a wedding in September with a plus one.  I hate to give too much credit to relationships as I'm fiercely independent... but I find it easier to deal with my work stress having him in my life as well.

Comparisons are sometimes hard.  We had a tiny conflict about a month ago and I secretly cried to myself thinking that DH would never speak to me like that.  But DH was abnormally adverse to conflict so I'm trying to remember that.  Either way, that conflict was resolved quickly and nothing has come up since. :)

I haven't told my MIL yet.  I wanted to wait until I knew if it was serious or not. It's her birthday this month though and I usually call her.  I don't want to tell her this on her birthday though so maybe I'll give her a random call this summer.

All in all - still enjoying myself.  We've gotten past the honeymoon stage and into reality and it still works.  It's still a bit surreal - but given the way the world is these days, I often stop and wonder if this is reality anyway.   So he fits right in.
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: Virgo on April 07, 2018, 07:21:16 PM
I'm happy for you! There are two ongoing relationship threads that a lot of us share updates in, budding and treading into deeper waters. Feel free to share with us!
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: azjane on April 08, 2018, 08:21:53 PM
Wonderful news  8) I'm glad things are going well for you.
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: Mizpah on April 09, 2018, 09:09:00 AM
Oh, Duckie!  Yay!  I love this!  And hey, independent or not, it's lovely to have someone to lean on and talk to.  Of COURSE it makes things easier to bear and makes you happier than you'd otherwise be.  No shame in that!  I'm so happy for you!  xoxoxo
Title: Re: First NG
Post by: arneal on April 09, 2018, 02:19:45 PM
Yay duckie -- happy for you and as Virgo mentioned, please do feel free to pop over to either or both of those other threads!