Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Relationships/Remarriage => Topic started by: daysofelijah on November 18, 2017, 08:50:45 AM

Title: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: daysofelijah on November 18, 2017, 08:50:45 AM
Did anyone not do a wedding? NG suggested mid May to get married. I want to get married, but I have no desire to do a wedding again. If I can talk him into it, I'd just as soon have a very small, short ceremony at the courthouse or someplace small. Between us we have 6 kids. I would really love for it to just be us and the kids. His sons will be 18 and 21 in May so they could be the witnesses I think. Just do that on a Saturday afternoon and then all go out for dinner afterwards? Then have a small reception for family later in the summer maybe.
 
My parents would probably be mad, but I've stopped trying to cater around them being mad about me not doing the right thing anymore. Life's too short.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: Wheelerswife on November 18, 2017, 11:22:24 AM
I did the wedding for 2 on the beach in Hawaii. We met a couple from Australia when we were there and asked them to be our witnesses.

We were happy.

Maureen
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: Toosoon2.0 on November 18, 2017, 11:35:01 AM
We went to the courthouse and then had a really nice meal, went out for some drinks and told everyone we met we had just tied the knot, spent the night in a B&B nearby - that was in February.  It was great!  There were visa/green card considerations so we wanted to do it as soon as we had permission.

We had a big back yard party for anyone who wanted to come in July.  My best friends are spread out from TX to NC to Philadelphia to Boston but they all came the day or two before and we had a little party just with the besties the night before the big party and they helped us on the day of to pull it off.  My daughter had a gaggle of kids here for the party and a pinata and both of Andy's kids were here from England.  We do a lot of work with refugees so we had the party catered with homemade foods made by refugees.  It was great! 

Do what you want to.   It is your marriage.  People will have to deal.  Just mho.  Happy for you, fellow GBM traveler.  xoxoxox
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: tybec on November 18, 2017, 05:17:34 PM
IF I do get married again, no big wedding.  Did it once, and no need to do it again. 

Do what you want, like TooSoon stated.  Others will deal.  Who wants to spend that kind of money unless you just have it? A lovely wedding celebration can be made without breaking the bank.  Meaningful probably is the most important for us now. 

If I get married again, I hope we will go somewhere, maybe with the kids, maybe not, and we will let people know we are there getting married. Come on if you wish. 

I like the idea of having a reception/party/BBQ, whatever later if you want to celebrate with others.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: Trying on November 18, 2017, 07:30:47 PM
We had our 5 kids, our siblings, and my mom.  We included our immediate family because, well, we like them, lol.  It was also important for me that they all got to see our 5 kids being happy for us and with each other and the vows we made to each other's kids.

If we didn't get along or felt unsupported by our families  I would have done it without them no problem.

You get to decide what is right for you and who you want to share this special moment with.

One thing I suggest is to make it special and meaningful for the two of you.  Initially I didn't want any fuss or ceremony but H. suggested it should be treated as an important event because it is.  In the end I wrote the ceremony myself and we each wrote our own vows.  I felt like we really honored our love and commitment to each other.  You can make it meaningful in a court house, a backyard or a chapel and the two of you get to define what makes it meaningful.

Like you said, life is too short. 
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: serpico on November 19, 2017, 12:51:36 AM
Quote from: daysofelijah link=topic=3557.msg42405#msg42405 date=
If I can talk him into it...

I think this is an important consideration. I see a lot of ‘do what you want’ here, but your fiance’s desires are just as important as yours. If you have to ‘talk him into it’, it makes me think that it wouldn’t be his first choice. Maybe a compromise is in order?
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: fairlanegirl on November 19, 2017, 02:01:16 AM
What Serpico said - without knowing your circumstances. My partner and I are not cohabiting or married but have talked about it and it is likely one day. I would have no need for a big do, although happy enough to have one, but he has never been married, would love to marry one day, and has a lot of nice friends whom I'm sure would love to be there for his 'big day', so I would do it for him. Am sure there is a compromise there somewhere.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: tybec on November 19, 2017, 06:49:22 AM
Umm, I assumed and that may be a mistake, but the YOU do what you want IS you and your fiance.  I didn't consider it as a unilateral decision as a COUPLE is marrying, not one person. 

You will find a way for you and your SO to marry that fits your wants/needs.   :)
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: Trying on November 19, 2017, 07:22:58 AM
What Tybec said^
“You” implies the couple. Apologies if that wasn’t understood.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: Leadfeather on November 19, 2017, 09:07:18 AM
What Tybec said^
“You” implies the couple. Apologies if that wasn’t understood.

i am from the northern states, but the company I work for is based down south. I think we should all adopt the word Y'all as it clears up this little issue with the English language.  ;)

Oh and if it matters I am in full agreement with the advice given here. It is y'all's (am I spelling that correctly?) day do what is right for you and let the chips fall where they may.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: Toosoon2.0 on November 19, 2017, 10:45:37 AM
I think it is implied that the couple decides together.  What I meant is that the rest of your families - if the two of you want to do something else - will deal.  We chose to go off and do it ourselves - no kids, no family - but then with the big party we had, we let all three of our children have some more input and more active participation.  That's what worked for us.  I invited Scott's Dad though I knew he wouldn't come.  We said no gifts, some of my relatives brought them anyway.  We told my mother only middle eastern food, she brought a tray of macaroni and cheese from Costco anyway.  But for the most part we did it our way and those little things meant nothing in the end.  The important thing is to enjoy it, whatever "it" turns out to look like!
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: daysofelijah on November 19, 2017, 07:57:21 PM
Thanks everyone for your ideas and advice.

We talked a little about it this weekend. I don't think he really knows what he wants and will probably go along with whatever. He likes to talk about plans, but most of the time it's just in a dreaming type way. I pull him back to reality  ;D

But I would like his input. In the past he's talked about a big wedding with a dance, but yesterday he talked that that wasn't really realistic.

Then he started talking about taking a week and flying somewhere to get married. But I don't think that's the best plan either. Not with me having younger kids still.

I asked at our regular Sunday brunch restaurant about having a ceremony/reception there, so I might call and talk to the manager about that. Or the county has a ceremonial courtroom. Or we could just do it in a park somewhere too. We will figure it out and make it a good day for us.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: Captains wife on November 19, 2017, 09:03:46 PM
First of all, congrats! I remember your earlier posts and I'm so happy for you. I think for a 2ndwedding all the usual pomp and circumstance isn't needed. Just small and meaningful. It saves a lot on $$ too.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: klim on November 20, 2017, 07:24:54 AM
 My brother in law had a second wedding . He hired a justice of the peace, went to a pretty location, the bride had a bouquet and there were two witnesses and no guests. It was beautiful and meaningful.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: faye on November 21, 2017, 07:02:24 AM
i live in an area that is frequently used for destination weddings.  If y'all were to Google 'destination wedding package' with a part of the county/country/world where y'all would like to marry, Google would accommodate.
Venues sometimes provide everything from appetizers and zither accompaniment.  BTW, if you get a marriage licence and actually use it, you have had a 'wedding' - which is separate from having a lavish reception with dinner and dancing. 

NG is talking about a wedding. How many people would come from your side of the family, he asked.  Maybe six.  Maybe. It's not that we're a dysfunctional bunch, but we are low-key. 
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: twin_mom on November 21, 2017, 04:10:19 PM
 I eloped to Jamaica the first time... just the two of us, to this day I'm not sure what I agreed to in our vows,  and it was prefect for us.
NG would like a wedding. My kids would like a wedding, my sisters regularly ask if  I went off and got married without telling them again,  and both our boy scouts and my girl scouts think they are all invited to this wedding that isn't even planned yet. But I don't know what I want to do...I figure the last time I knew and it felt right so hopefully that's how this time will work as well - we'll talk about it and something will just feel right.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: patswife22 on November 30, 2017, 09:38:38 PM
First time around I had a church wedding; interdenominational.  My mother had passed away 8 months before I got married.  After 22+ years of marriage my husband passed from inoperable lung cancer. 

Six years after his passing I met a great guy.  He was married three times.  His first two marriages ended in divorce.  His third marriage ended when his wife passed from breast cancer.  He thought he finally found somebody to go through life with.  We've been together over 4 years.  In July of 2016 he moved in.  Luckily, for me my daughter is so happy that I found someone.  I have siblings who really like him.  My friends are so happy for me. 

As for marriage.  We have talked about it but it would be financial suicide for us.  Especially for me.  We plan on spending the rest of our lives together.  I have no problem with others who find their Chapter 2 and remarry.  For me.............maybe sometime down the line.  Just not now.

Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: daysofelijah on December 01, 2017, 06:51:11 AM
patswife, the financial part is a little scary for me. I know I will lose my survivor's benefits, but I would also be getting those reduced this year for the first time anyway because I got a new job that pays more than the $16k allowed anyway. I need to make an appt. to talk to ss to see what will happen. Also I'm afraid the kids and I will lose the state health care assistance we get now. But we will make it work, I do need to find out all that info though.

A little update we decided to do a small ceremony at a beautiful garden park in the larger town near ours. It will be perfect. I reserved the date for May 26th, 11:00-1:00! We can have up to 50 people, but they only allow 10 chairs. So I'm thinking it will probably just be us, the kids, our parents, and maybe our siblings & families. That should add up to less than 30 at the most, not exactly what I would have picked, but I think it will be nice.

Now to find an officiant and figure out if we will do lunch after!
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: MissinGrizz on December 09, 2017, 08:21:42 AM
While my family wasn’t thrilled, we had a justice of the peace come to our backyard. Our kids were there (all teens)...no one else. It was perfect.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: Sandi1970 on December 15, 2017, 03:02:32 AM
I just remarried at the beginning of the month. We have no children between us and live over 1000 miles from any family. We wanted it simple, just us  & surrounded by nature. Many family and friends weren't happy about it but it was perfect for us!
In the late spring, we're going to have a special dinner with immediate family, to celebrate.
Make it about you both, you owe it to yourselves. I wanted nothing to resemble my 1st & pretty big wedding. The only thing that did, was the nature part but I guess that's because it's such a part of me.
Congrats & best wishes.
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: jeudi on December 21, 2017, 10:37:42 AM
NH and I married at the tax assessor's office. Shorts and flip flops. They had a hokey "beach" scene mural with some fishing net and starfish hung around the edges and we stood in front of that to have our picture taken on his cell phone. We had already lived  together for seven years at that point and would have been fine to continue on that way but i needed his health insurance.

Afterwards we had seafood at a nice restaurant. Then went to Walgreens.

Big day!
Title: Re: Getting married without the wedding
Post by: TheWidowWhisperer on March 17, 2018, 02:40:37 PM
It makes my heart soar to read all of these responses. Do whatever you and your new spouse want. It's nothing short of a miracle that you found someone you want to marry, don't let anything get between you and what you want.

Mazel Tov