Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: Anni on November 22, 2017, 03:24:27 PM

Title: Still wondering why
Post by: Anni on November 22, 2017, 03:24:27 PM
 I wonder if I should even be included. While the letter of the law would consider me just the significant other, time running out is the real reason. After meeting Minh on a dating site in January, we got seriously quickly and found our soulmates the second time around. Two career people who put the career 1st during our 1st marriages, we found a reason not to do that. I even moved in with him in August as we talked about how we were long term and permanent.

He had a bad heart for years and I accepted that, but on September 6th, I had to take him to the ER. That was a start of a 32 day hospital stay. I was there 24/7 since for the 1st time in my life I was unemployed. We bonded even more the 1st 12 day, but day 13 was the start for his battle of life. Coded too many times with me in or just out of the room, sedated 5 days with a rough 3 day wake up. I stood next to his bed holding his hand for most of it. But he let me know after he woke up how much he loved me in so many ways. Even the staff knew that he did much better if I was there. The bond deepen beyond what I thought was possible. He told me he would live as long as he could for me. While it looked like he was going to make it, he suddenly took a turn for the worst and died on October 8th. I had to be the one to allow CPR to stop and deal with organ donation, but had to stand aside on funeral plans.

He had a strong will to live, he had out lived what doctors predicted by 2 - 4 years - I found that out after he died. But his uncle told me that I was the reason he talked about the future after years of not. I had a strong will to live also but now I don't. Not that I am not going to actually do anything to actively stop living, but don't feel like doing anything to prevent my health problems getting much worst.  I have also out lived what many doctors thought. Always thought about the future, but can't now.  Does this feeling ever go away?

I am rebuilding my life - looking for work and got another place to live since his condo will be sold for his kids college fund. I was allowed to live there for 2 months and will be moving at the beginning of December.  But all I want to be on the same side of the divide as him. Any advice??
Title: Re: Still wondering why
Post by: WifeLess on November 23, 2017, 10:36:57 AM

Welcome to Young Widow Forum. It sounds like you were at the beginning of a very beautiful relationship. So yes, if you wish to be included, you are indeed welcome here.

It is very understandable that you feel as you describe in your post. But, as difficult as it may be to believe at this point, it is possible to survive this, and things do get slowly better with time. So please hold onto hope. You are very early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now.

Sorry for your tragic loss.

--- WifeLess
Title: Re: Still wondering why
Post by: Wheelerswife on November 23, 2017, 05:34:16 PM
Hi, Anni,

Welcome to our club. I’m sorry you lost your beloved Minh. You have been through so much in a short period of time. You found someone you loved so deeply and you had to walk him to death’s door in such a short time. I’m so sorry you did not get a lot more time with him.

You have learned that love can quickly become very deep. I understand that, too. It will likely take some time to process everything you experienced since meeting Minh.

Although Minh’s family may not understand your connection with him, it was all very real. Your pain is as valid as anyone else’s, although it is unique to you.

Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself, too. You have had your own heart broken and you will need to grieve for yourself.


Title: Re: Still wondering why
Post by: Anni on November 25, 2017, 08:37:15 AM
Thank you for your kind words.

Funny thing is that his ex wife gets it. She invited me to a Thanksgiving lunch with their twins at our favorite dim sum place. She knew I was going to be alone since I have no family in the state. She saw us together after he woke up (I didn't meet her until he coded and had to call her to bring the kids just in case) but we forged a good working relationship.

She saw me at the worst and understood the love involved as I cried that he might not make it thru both "hell" days he survived to even wake up whole again. I supported her decisions when to bring the twins to visit since they have been overwhelmed by previous hospital stays before I met him. 

I seems that the younger you are, the more accepting of the idea of being a widow without the legal work, but my age and older seems to not. But that is how I feel and I know Minh would be touched to have others understand that he would also feel that I am.

Title: Re: Still wondering why
Post by: Toosoon2.0 on November 27, 2017, 11:03:12 AM
Hi Anni,  I am sorry for your loss.  One thing this journey has taught me is that, while some people who you thought you could count on will disappoint you, others who you never expected would will rise up and help prop you up, stand by you, feed you, forgive you, and just do whatever they can to try to understand.  These  new friendships have been the silver lining of the trauma of losing our husband/father.  Sending you wishes for peace and hope.  It does get easier with time. 
Title: Re: Still wondering why
Post by: Anni on November 30, 2017, 07:58:09 AM

thank you for your kind words. I am learning that support comes in the strangest places. When Minh was in the hospital and I was running home every few days to get cloths washed and repacked, a manger of a local Speedway gave me a few free fountain drinks when he hear what was wrong. He even asked about him and hugged me when he died. Kindness of strangers really help.