Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: Vintage_lover on December 22, 2017, 12:09:24 PM

Title: Books that helped you
Post by: Vintage_lover on December 22, 2017, 12:09:24 PM
Today makes 2 weeks since I found my SO of 10 years unexpectedly gone. He was 30, I'm 29 and I'm terrified that the person I thought I would always be with is gone at such a young age. Everything I thought I had planned with life is now up in the air.

I would like recommendations for books that helped you get through losing a partner unexpectedly, get through the grief process, and any books that deal with the trauma of being the one to find your loved one gone. Thanks
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Leadfeather on December 22, 2017, 12:53:06 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.

C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed"

The first three paragraphs of that book so perfectly described how I felt in the early days after finding my wife collapsed in the front yard as the sun set.
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: KrypticKat on December 22, 2017, 11:52:55 PM
@Vintage_lover , I'm so sorry that you've had to come and join this Club. Hopefully this website will give you comfort with time and the support that you need. I also lost my husband Suddenly at a very young age. We were newlyweds. I was 30 and he was 31. I'm now about a year-and-a-half out. I'll tell you right now in the beginning I just found self-help books frustrating and I think it was because I just wasn't ready to deal with anything yet. It does take a while for it all to set in when it happens suddenly. Like your brain won't let it totally sink in. I remember going through a lot of books but there was only one that I actually found helpful and read all the way through. It's called seven choices by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. I hope it helps you too. KK
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Vintage_lover on December 23, 2017, 04:12:43 PM
Thank you for this. The first few days I wailed and wallowed more than I knew possible. Then I got busy planning the services because I demanded perfection. Being busy numbed me. His services have been over for a week, but that numbness hasn't went away. And that has scared me. I felt like I should be feeling more and I didn't understand why I wasn't. So that makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone in what I've been feeling at the beginning.
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Toosoon2.0 on December 23, 2017, 08:17:11 PM
For the first year, I mostly read on the former iteration of this site.  I was lost and I needed to hear other people's stories so I could try to understand my own.  I am older than you by quite a bit (am 45), as are the authors of these works, but these are the books about being widowed that I loved the most.  I probably read them in years two and three but here are the authors and titles: Elizabeth Alexander, The Light of the World; Joan Didion, THe Year of Magical Thinking; and Colm Toibin, Nora Webster.  They are not self- help books.
The first two are memoirs and the third is a novel. 
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: KrypticKat on December 23, 2017, 11:31:25 PM
You are not alone. The more you read on this site you'll see that. Our journeys are all different but we share many themes. How you go through your grief will be unique to you and no matter what remember: It is your normal. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Don't expect much of yourself. Just be gentle, take your time, get the support you need and do the work as it comes. I think feeling nothing is actually perfectly normal. It's part of the initial shock. I felt very similar at first. And then out of the blue the pain would come in like a wave of the most raw gut-wrenching pain that is unimaginable. No rhyme or reason either. And I would cry and break down and wish the world would end. And then go back to feeling nothing. Looking back at it now I think it was my body dosing me with the pain slowly over time. Allowing my brain to take it in bite-size pieces and then giving me a vacation from it so that I could recover for the next round. Because I think in reality if we took it in all at once it would probably kill us. But again, that is my take on my journey. Don't be afraid to reach out on here. It can be comforting to know you are not alone. KK
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Ginger on December 24, 2017, 01:28:22 PM
The first few weeks and months can be overwhelming. But it can be comforting to know that you are not alone and there is a place to find some comfort from other that have been where you are now.

As for books that might help you, that is an individual thing. When this new board started, I brought over a list of posts from the old board of suggested readings. You can find it as the first post in the “Books and Quotes” section. There is a lot of info packed in there so try not to get overwhelmed. At least it will give you titles and authors you can check into.  And you can pick and choose anything that my sound helpful to you or worth your time. Hopefully more people will post their own recommendations for you.

Unfortunately there doesn’t  seem to be any quick fixes to grief and it usually takes time to find a way through it. But there is hope and support here. Take care of yourself.
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: serpico on December 25, 2017, 12:12:16 AM
I really enjoyed ‘I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can’ by Linda Feinberg.
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Julester3 on December 25, 2017, 12:34:58 AM
I second the book Serpico recommends. A local widow who sort of mentored me a bit after I lost my husband was my email convo buddy and gave me that book. It really helped my perspective and helped me sort out the thoughts in my head.
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Mizpah on December 26, 2017, 09:25:10 AM
C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed"

This was one of the only grief books that didn't bother me.  It surprised me, because it's religious and I'm not, and it still was the best one in my opinion.  It's short and easy, but has gems in it that make you think, "Yes!  Exactly!"  It's his journals in the time just after his wife died (she died of cancer, so not sudden, but I lost DH in a completely unexpected accident, and it still resonated).  Extremely relatable. 
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Jeannette on January 27, 2018, 09:48:42 PM
Widow to Widow (by Genevive Davis Ginsberg). I am actually reading it now. It has some powerful insight that I didn't want to see.
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: James on February 01, 2018, 12:31:15 AM
On Hope by Josef Pieper.  Read it later.  Get through the raw grieving first.
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Sabrina on February 05, 2018, 05:39:17 PM
Bearing the Unbearable was the first book I read after my husband passed, and it's still my favorite. The chapters are short, easily digestible and beautifully written. Whenever I feel myself breaking down I open it up to any chapter and it's guaranteed to make me feel better.

Confessions of a Mediocre Widow is also another favorite. If you're like me and use humor as a coping mechanism, give this a shot. Written by a young widow, you will cry at some points but she writes with humor and sass, and it made me feel like it was written by a friend.
Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Anni on March 02, 2018, 07:20:51 PM

I wish someone had given me "a widow's guide to healing" by Meekhof & Windell during the first few weeks. It has helped me greatly.

Title: Re: Books that helped you
Post by: Newgirl on March 17, 2018, 10:12:41 PM
I am so sorry you were thrust into this club. I was close to your age when my husband died.

I read the cancer widow book but I didn't like it, I didn't find it helpful. I can't remember why.

The stiletto widow book was good in that it had a fair amount of practical advice, but at times it came across as "bubblegummy" to me.

A Grief Observed is beautiful.