Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Beyond Active Grieving => Topic started by: rifatheroffour on January 13, 2018, 10:14:03 AM

Title: 5 years...
Post by: rifatheroffour on January 13, 2018, 10:14:03 AM
It is now five years since the light in my life was extinguished.  I can recall with such vivid detail every moment of that morning, the night before and the week preceding her death.  Yet I don't recall those days very often any more, I can only assume and hope that means the deepest wound I have ever suffered has somehow managed to scar over and dare I say even heal some.  As I write this the first tears of the day have finally started, I had begun to wonder if they would as this day has been far gentler than I expected. In fact the whole lead up to this day has been gentle so far.  This is the first year where the sadiversary falls on a weekend, so no work, no school for the kids.  The past years there was always some discussion in advance about who wants to stay home from school and why, not that I was not going to let them.  I have taken the day off from work each time so far so this year is just different.

Life has moved forward to a new normal I guess.  I have graduated two kids and another will this spring. I've gone from 4 kids at home every day and full time in school college away and at home, still in high school, working schedules, girl friends and social lives that far exceed mine!  In those 5 years I have had one short lived romantic involvement that in retrospect was too early and with someone who was not truly available, one online date that put me off the concept of online dating entirely to today which finds me mutually enamored with an old college friend that brings a smile to my face, as I write this, even on day like today and a hope for my future that wasn't there a few short years ago.  I have many good friends, some from life as I knew it who have stuck by me and helped me along the way.  Some I have met only through the mutual tragedy of our lives, my wid friends, and some of them are the closest friends I know now.  NEW Normal is an odd place to be. I'd like to think I'd give it all up to still have Fal with me but life today isn't all bad and what would I have to give up today for that? How would that have altered the course of my kids lives, who have proven to be strong independent people in their own right. Their lives are not perfect, whose is, but they can be proud of where they have gone over the last five years. Of course I can say this with the full knowledge that it was never up to me where the course of our lives would take us.  Whether you believe life is guided by a higher power or just random chance I can't change what happened but I can choose to embrace whatever good has come my way since. I have not always thought this way.  I can't tell you when I began to feel this way.  I know I'm enjoying moments in my life now more often than not and that is not a bad thing.

I decided this morning that I wanted to post something about achieving survival for five years. As many of us do and say, I don't post often but I read regularly. Lately though I am coming to the realization that if I don't post often and no one else posts often then what will I be able to read as time goes on. More importantly what will others who find the need of this sacred place find? I will endeavor to try and do better, to give back to the place that I have received so much from, to pay it forward.  I know it's not easy for any of to do given what life has thrown at us and trying our best just to survive and find our new normals. Of course my original thoughts about where this post might go have been completely hijacked by my stream of consciousness, maybe that is why I had such a hard time titling this one and went with simply 5 years.

So thank you, if you have made it this far into my rambling.  I wish all of us peace in our new normals as we put the pieces of our lives back together in whatever time frame that works best for you.
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: Wheelerswife on January 13, 2018, 10:36:14 AM
Ah, my friend.  I wish I had been able to meet your wonderful Fal.  I know we would never have come to know each other had it not been for our "shared tragedies", as you called them.  We have been linked by circumstance more than most and you have been most generous in your support of me, even in your own time of sorrow.

You have done your necessary work in grieving and living.  Your work is unique to yourself and your own circumstances.  I think that is an important point for the rest of us to understand.  No one else's road will be the same as yours, and only you can drive and make decisions on the turns and stops to be made along the way.  It warms my heart, also, to know you are smiling again at the possibility of a new person in your life in the future.

Hugs to you and the kids today.

Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: daysofelijah on January 13, 2018, 11:05:22 AM
It was 5 years for me last October. I didn't say anything much to anyone that I recall. That life seems so long ago. The new normal is what I am in now, and I don't take the time to reflect much on what happened 5 years ago. Maybe it was too surreal, too painful? Idk.

I am happy now, though once in a while a crushing thought still flies in. Just yesterday I was thinking, wow, 2018, Terry, I made it to 2018, and you only saw 2012, so unfair. But then the thought flies out and I go on with the new life of normal.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and thoughts. I'm happy for you that you can embrace the good in your life as it is now.

Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: sojourner on January 13, 2018, 01:16:30 PM
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, riff! It's good to get the perspectives of folks a little further down the road. I'm heading towards 4 years in May. It was both forever ago and yesterday. I hear you about your kids. My children and I have gone from stumbling along to walking with more purpose and direction, not that any of us do it perfectly. But we've come a long way as well.

Peace to you and your family on this day!
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: Toosoon2.0 on January 13, 2018, 04:18:37 PM
Hi, RFF,  Your post took me back to the lunch here in PA where we met, which now seems so long ago.  It was all so raw then, wasn't it?

I have to admit, with five years right ahead of me in less than a month, its hard to put all of the pieces together.  I feel like I've lived three lives in seven years (including the illness).  It is still disorienting sometimes even if life is often very good now and even knowing we have much to be grateful for.

I, too, cherish the connections and friends I found on ywbb and then here.  I quite literally would not have made it without you all.  I also cannot overstate the impact my husband's death has had on me as a person trying to live in this world.  While life is generally pretty good now in spite of stresses and uncertainties, I wasn't always confident it ever would be ok again and I certainly wasn't expecting for everything I knew to be turned upsidedown, shaken up and then spit out something completely new that I never could have anticipated.  Gives new meaning to "roll with it." 

Yet, here we are and living.  Our children are thriving; our comrades are still standing, moving forward, still supporting us and new members of the club no one wants to be a part of.  What I've learned from my husband's death is that life is never going to be the same but sometimes, and I hope its ok to say this, I think that his death taught me so much about what's important in life - for my daughter and for me - and how to live better in this world.  I try to honor that and live that, even though it isn't always easy. 

Lots of love to you and your beautiful family. 
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: Leadfeather on January 13, 2018, 04:24:48 PM
I find posts like this very helpful. Thank you.
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: hachi on January 13, 2018, 06:36:12 PM
Hey Riff,

5 years, like 1 year, we expect it to be some kind of milestone. We made it. Surely life will begin to feel different. Easier, or more "normal". Truth is, tomorrow will be much like today, and the milestones are really nothing more than markers of time. Much like the markers on the highway tell the distance. It only means something when you have destination.

While we are consumed with "surviving", we don't really have any concept of what we are really acheiving. The distance we travel. And the life we are living along the way. While none of us chose this path, it is always amazing to me, reading the thoughts of those we now travel with, how blessed we are to have found each other.

Go easy, my friend. It has been a great pleasure to walk with you and others on this road we didn't want to be on. Such an irony, as you so eloquently put.

Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: Trying on January 13, 2018, 06:55:45 PM
New was so hard to imagine in those early days and impossible to pinpoint when it takes hold.  I'm glad to hear you are able to say you are enjoying more moments in your life now, that is a blessing.  I don't often let myself wonder how life would be different for my boys and I if we hadn't suffered such loss, there are so many variables. 

Keep embracing all of the joy and surprises life has to offer.
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on January 14, 2018, 03:52:23 PM
Thank you RFF for your eloquent heartfelt thoughts on 5 years....
Hugs to you!
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: trying2breathe on January 15, 2018, 07:32:23 AM
Beautiful post, thank you for "paying it forward".
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: ladybug on January 15, 2018, 08:42:26 AM
Thank you for posting.

My sweet husband was only 55 when he passed.   This year he would have been 65. The years have slipped by so very fast.

Very grateful for everyone on this board. 
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: Needytoo on January 18, 2018, 05:40:33 AM
It always amazes me how so many of us are on the same path. March will be five years since DH passed. I can't believe it has been that long. There are still moments that it feels like yesterday but it is now only moments.

When did the "New Normal" kick in?  I have no clue?  If someone had the time they most likely could research that through all of our old posts. 
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: Captains wife on January 18, 2018, 03:18:41 PM
Thank you for posting - hugs on your sadiversary. I hear you on the NEW NORMAL. I hit year 5 last year and will hit year 6 this year (how could I know some of you this long, how could I have been a widow this long) ?

Im very grateful for this Board, and grateful that I made it through the darkest days of widow-dom. I feel happier these days too and feel I am moving on the best I can but I have also realized I will never fully let go of what happened to our little family.
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: rifatheroffour on January 24, 2018, 07:09:09 AM
Thank you for all of the responses. Yes, TS2, it was incredibly raw still back then. I've been surprised by how different this year is going so far.  At 5, 6 or 8 months out I would never have believed that this would be possible. I spent the whole sadiversary together with the kids at the end of the day we watched a movie together afterwards I brought up the idea that I may be ready to date and how did they feel about that, any questions etc. There was not a lot of discussion other than who, which I dismissed, I told them I'd let them know when there was something they needed to know about.  They basically gave me the green My kids are now almost 16 and up and really should be able to handle this part by now as they are also experiencing what spending time with someone who captivates their interests is like.  I'm relieved as this past Saturday I spent the evening with my college friend on our first official date and it could not have been any better.

New normal and moving forward in life is possible. It seems time does heal wounds even if there is still a scar left. The question is how much time is right for each of us.
Title: Re: 5 years...
Post by: Wheelerswife on January 24, 2018, 08:29:51 AM
Where is the "I love this" button?