Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Beyond Active Grieving => Topic started by: Trying on February 08, 2018, 07:16:43 PM

Title: Today he would've been 50
Post by: Trying on February 08, 2018, 07:16:43 PM
The boys and I went out to dinner at his local favorite tonight.  The idea of him being 50 seems impossible.  He was 45 when he died and 50 seemed so far away, we would've planned something BIG.  A family trip, to get our 19 and 21 year old to reconnect with us and their little brother.  A big party with friends and family where Tim would be so busy playing host and making sure everyone else had the time of their life.  His40th was the only time I got away with making a fuss about his birthday and looking back I feel like he somehow new it was his last big milestone.  There were many times he made side comments that he wouldn't live to be 50, that he wouldn't get a chance to grow old.  I always dismissed him but now I think he somehow knew.
Title: Re: Today he would've been 50
Post by: tybec on February 09, 2018, 08:38:06 AM
Gosh, Trying.  Similar experiences.  My dh died at 45.  His 50th was sad.  I only did flowers at church in his memory.  Had a big 40th for him.  I always ask my son what he wants to do.  He was 8 when dh died.  I think he feels strange doing memorial things now.  Maybe it will change. 

Another big one!  😢 (sigh)
Title: Re: Today he would've been 50
Post by: Toosoon2.0 on February 09, 2018, 09:54:19 AM
I feel for you, Trying; 5 years and his 55th birthday hit me hard and i wasn't really expecting it.   It made me think that in another 5 years, he will have been 60 and our daughter will have a DRIVER'S LICENSE and I will be (sigh) 50 myself.  Weird, weird, weird. 

I hope you were able to enjoy dinner with your sons and maybe some nice memories.  On Scott's we went - unbeknownst to our hosts - to dinner at some dear friends' house.  It was a good distraction and I brought a bottle of champagne and we all toasted to Scott, which was nice and seemed fitting.  Then I completely and epically lost it on Superbowl Sunday (that it was the Superbowl - even though the Eagles won (Go, Birds!) - was irrelevant since Scott couldn't care less about football) but I think holding it together through his birthday, the day in between and then the fifth year anniversary proved too much in the end.  No matter how much time has passed, no matter how much things have changed, I still miss him and it is still sometimes hard. 

Sending love and support. 
Title: Re: Today he would've been 50
Post by: Abitlost on February 09, 2018, 10:41:58 AM
Trying, your post resonates with me. My husband was also 45 when he died. His should-have-been 50th was tough for me. I do not think he would have handled the turning of the decade well, but I am confident he would have made a big to-do over my 50th. Instead, my 50th passed pretty much unnoticed.

I look in the mirror and see so many changes in the past 9 years. I wonder how my husband would have aged. The actor that played the father in "Downton Abbey" had a lot of similar features and mannerisms, and carried himself similarly. I miss that show a lot, in part to see what I think my husband would look like.

I am glad you and your boys found a meaningful way to mark the day. Tim would be so happy for that.

Title: Re: Today he would've been 50
Post by: jgib on February 09, 2018, 12:34:18 PM
Seems many of us have similar timelines.  I lost my guy at 46 and went through his 50th last Oct. and it wasn’t  easy.
My thoughts are with you Trying.......
Title: Re: Today he would've been 50
Post by: Trying on February 10, 2018, 07:30:08 AM
Thanks everyone, so many of us going through similar things is always somehow comforting. 

My current DH has always been supportive of my grief and gives me the space on the tough days that I need.  He admitted last night that Tim's birthday is hard on him.  He understands the boys and I wanting to have dinner out together but it's awkward for him sitting at home and reading many FB posts about what a great guy he was is understandably uncomfortable.  He was reluctant to share his feelings with me because he supports our need to keep Tims memory alive but I could tell his mood was off.  I can't pretend to understand how it feels to marry someone who didn't choose to stop being married to their first spouse.  Tim and I shared 25 years together and even though he knows I am happy with him now he also knows I miss my old life.  Hopefully I make him feel loved and secure enough all of the other days of the year.