Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: Jen on March 08, 2015, 05:30:26 PM

Title: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Jen on March 08, 2015, 05:30:26 PM
This thread is to share our experience from those early days  for those  new to this life. There is no one perfect answer but we have recommendations.


Quote from: missingsquish
Breathe. Drink water. Cry if you need to. Have lots of tissues handy everywhere. Eat if you can.

Quote from: LisaPop
Allow people to help. Eat and rest when you can. Post often.

Quote from: chopperette
Don't make any important decisions until your head settles. Don't give anything away his/her things are yours and you decide what to do with them. An example of giving things away that I regreted later... I cleaned his closet 1 week after his death, then I found out that some people made throws out of shirts. I would have love to do that but it was to late.

Quote from: swilson
Let family, friends, people in your life that you can trust help you. Don't try to do it all and tough it out, it can overwhelm you.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newy widowed
Post by: gracelet on March 09, 2015, 08:29:48 AM
Self congratulate for every achievement no matter how small.  Brushed your teeth?  Ate a meal without throwing up? Posted a letter? Say "Well done me!" to yourself.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newy widowed
Post by: Mac on March 09, 2015, 07:34:12 PM
64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief


http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/ (http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/)
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Tweety76 on March 10, 2015, 03:29:22 AM
EC wrote in the old forum these points which I wish to add to this thread:

In the early days, everything is a blurry mess and decision making is heavily clouded for relatively long time. As choperette already said, making important and long lasting decisions is not a good idea for a long time and an important decision can be as seeming little as answering the question "what to do with your husband's/wife's belongings". Trust me, you are not in a hurry and taking time and allowing time to give you the answers is the best way to go. Surely some widow's want to get rid of everything as soon as possible and this is fine too but if you doubt even a bit, take a time out and see how things develop. I personally didn't move a thing for months and when I did, I felt really strong urge to do so. Else I did nothing. I also bought a camera and took pictures of my home and the things the way they were when my husband died. I wanted to have the option to return to that time should I ever want to do so.

Allow yourself options. I did. I also reserved the right for myself and others to cancel any agreed lunches, walks etc even at the last minute because I could not be sure I how felt when the time came. I did keep some agreed things and others I simply had to cancel due to my state of mind at the moment. If you say this in advance, people in general will understand and not get offended which they easily can do too.

The stuff around you is yours now and no-one has the right to take any of it nor tell you what to do with them. There can be people that come to you claiming something is theirs or that your late husband/wife promised them something or owe them money. If it's not properly documented, this is never the case and you do not have to "honour" any of these claims. Unfortunately some people do this and not everyone is good and kind. Anything you have is really now yours and if someone even politely asks you to give them say tools, just say that you will use them at some point even if you don't. My BIL asked for my husbands power-drill and I simply smiled to him and said: "yeah! can you imagine how good tools I have these days! I have a power-drill of my own now!!!!" Never asked for it again :)

Your finances are private. Do not discuss those with anyone unless you really trust them. Blunt people will ask about life insurances and other such things and it is not their business. Period! There are people who may try to take an advantage on financial level on a person who has been hit with this immense tragedy. You can reply with "That's a private matter", "Can we talk about something else, please" or just with a silence and a puzzled look. Also on the phone. EC adviced in the original thread that if someone asks about your finances over the phone, just stay silent until they break it and when they do just say "I got to run now. Talk to you later" and hang up.

I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm sad you have to walk this path! I know you would want to smack me for saying this (I did want to smack anyone who told me this in the early days) it will get better over time. It's a hard path to walk and there are so many ups, downs, deep black-holes and all on the way but you can pull through. Lean on this board! It will catch you if you fall. It did so many times in my darkest moments and I'm forever thankful for it. Join the chat when you feel like it! I've had such an incredible discussion over there (instructions on General -section) and made such a good friends that I'm overwhelmed. Go to bagos if/when you have energy (I'm heading for my first own :) ) and remember: You are not alone! Hugs!!!!!!
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 11:49:44 AM
  Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to write such supportive and informative posts.  Blessings to you all!
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Tweety76 on March 10, 2015, 12:04:59 PM
This was me at 4 months mark in July last year. Very dark times.

I'm so sorry for even posting this for I know there are a lot of widows(ers) that lost their spouses to suicide. I'm at 5 months and I found myself one morning (few weeks ago) with his insulin pen...opened...wasn't a bad dream. I go on contemplating I'll just have to go through with the paper work and then I can just go with him. I've been suicidal before, that's no secret but when it hit's me, all I can think is I want to go. it's just so strong the feeling when it hits me (today not, thank goodness) and it's so real. I'm one of those that lurk. Recently I've posted a few. And everything is just awful. The flashbacks, the feeling everything was a dream (please wake me up from this nightmare!!!!). But why?

I gave myself one year. Either it gets better or I'm done. Why the F!!!!!!! Shiish this sucs!


Suicidal thoughts and thoughts of pointlessness are normal for us wids. Hang on and reach out to us! YWBB caught me. We shall do that to you. Don't be afraid!
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 12:12:48 PM
Thanks for reaching out to me Tweety.  I have not had any other out-of-body experiences or suicidal thoughts.  What happened next was panic attacks so severe that I had to be medicated.  My doctor also put me on Abilify to work with the Cymbalta that I take for fibromyalgia nerve pain and it seems to be working pretty well.

I also pray a lot!  You will be in my prayers.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: linda5 on March 10, 2015, 08:51:57 PM
You are allowed to cry.  Cry as much as you want ... kick, scream, and have that temper tantrum.  I did it when I was alone, and it honestly felt good!  I felt so much better after I allowed myself to cry and throw a fit.  I was sick of people telling me how strong, brave, etc. I was.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: AndysWife on March 12, 2015, 03:07:42 AM
Channel the anger into something productive like housework or exercise. I had the cleanest house and yard for miles around! I do recommend exercise though. It was the absolute last thing I felt like doing but it makes us feel better, walking especially. Sometimes, it's just good to get out of our heads and not think for a while.

Eating as much healthy food as you can manage is also helpful with affecting our mental state.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: nonesuch on March 12, 2015, 07:58:59 AM
I wish I had dealt with Late Husband's credit card account earlier.  As soon as I answered the phone from them and told them what happened, they closed the account and stopped running up interest.

The woman on the phone was quick to tell me that I was not personally liable for his debt.  Since there was an "estate" to sue, they did ask for the balance.  Since I know I HAD whatever Late husband purchased, I paid it. 
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: DansSoulmate on March 18, 2015, 08:02:33 PM
One of the posts on YWBB described your grief much like a snowflake, unique to your relationship and who you are as a person. Your friends will likely change but that's alright because, in my experience, those who replace them are much better.   I would echo the advice to keep clothing as at almost 6 months I am having memory teddy bears made for my daughters.  Instead of the clothes he wore to their weddings they actually want to use his work clothes (complete with oil stains) so you never know what you might want to have later.  Dan had a business that I had to handle and liquidate it in those early months (while grieving hard) so I agree you do need to ask for help but be alert to those who may not have your best interest in mind.  I had a very small group of people who took care of anyone who was trying to take advantage.  I talk (and yell) at Dan on a regular basis and that has worked well for me.  Reading, particularly this board, talking to other widows to pick and choose from their decisions/path and journaling have all been helpful to me.  Finally, I would say in those early days having a notebook to capture notes and information was helpful to me as I was taking in next to nothing.  At almost 6 months, though,  I feel less like a zombie, laugh every now and then, and am feeling stronger every day.  And, I know you will as well! :)
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: DansSoulmate on March 19, 2015, 08:52:29 AM
One other suggestion..I mentioned reading in my earlier post and wanted to share a blog that really spoke to me very early on largely because of the similarity of a sudden death but the words she has written, I believe, are universal and so beautiful.  I hope it helps others:  http://www.cragman.com/index.html
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Grammy on March 21, 2015, 05:37:05 PM
I have some thoughts and suggestions for this post.  I am trying to get a post together.  I keep running out of time and losing my posts.  :(  I promise to set time out for longer and try again maybe tonight when I am less frustrated.  In the mean time.....
as I am telling myself.....

"Be gentle with yourself"

((((Hugs)))) and love to all my new and old friends.

Nancy
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Wheelerswife on March 21, 2015, 05:45:42 PM
Write long posts in Word and then cut and paste.  Word doesn't time out....I spend a lot of time there writing papers....

;)

Maureen
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Stargazer74 on March 21, 2015, 05:54:41 PM
Hey guys, when logging in, erase the numbers and leave it blank then check-mark "always stay logged in" and it hasn't been timing me out.  Then you can log out if you want when you're signing off, but I just stay logged in.  No one else gets on my computer and I have a password for that anyway. 
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Lmsmdm on March 30, 2015, 04:27:54 PM
My best friend was widowed 20 years before me.  She swooped in and slept with me that first horrible night alone. Talked when I wanted to, and sat in silence as well.

She then gathered a small army and cleaned my house for the upcoming memorial, however I believe with the cleaning she fulfilled a little OCD fantasy of hers  ;D. My clean is her filthy ha ha.

Anyway, the point of this post.  Before she went home after the memorial she sat me down and told me she was going to call me every night. I had to do one thing everyday, and taking a shower and feeding the cats didn't count they were mandatory. If I ignored said phone call she would come over.

It didn't matter how big or small the task was. It could be as small as watering the plants, or as huge as one of those horrible phone calls, to the bank, insurance etc.

I truly believe that it helped.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: the_master on April 28, 2015, 11:29:31 AM
I also get suicidal thoughts. However, I don't do it because of my daughter.

But I have no interest in living another 20-30 years. I am in my mid-40s, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc.

I see my parents, in their mid to late 70s. Not happy people... I'm fine, checking out in a few years or so. I'm just not going to do it, myself.

This was me at 4 months mark in July last year. Very dark times.

I'm so sorry for even posting this for I know there are a lot of widows(ers) that lost their spouses to suicide. I'm at 5 months and I found myself one morning (few weeks ago) with his insulin pen...opened...wasn't a bad dream. I go on contemplating I'll just have to go through with the paper work and then I can just go with him. I've been suicidal before, that's no secret but when it hit's me, all I can think is I want to go. it's just so strong the feeling when it hits me (today not, thank goodness) and it's so real. I'm one of those that lurk. Recently I've posted a few. And everything is just awful. The flashbacks, the feeling everything was a dream (please wake me up from this nightmare!!!!). But why?

I gave myself one year. Either it gets better or I'm done. Why the F!!!!!!! Shiish this sucs!


Suicidal thoughts and thoughts of pointlessness are normal for us wids. Hang on and reach out to us! YWBB caught me. We shall do that to you. Don't be afraid!
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Jen on May 01, 2015, 03:57:12 PM
I also get suicidal thoughts. However, I don't do it because of my daughter.

But I have no interest in living another 20-30 years. I am in my mid-40s, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc.

I see my parents, in their mid to late 70s. Not happy people... I'm fine, checking out in a few years or so. I'm just not going to do it, myself.


I'm pretty much in the same place. I was close to suicidal six months ago (had a plan and everything, though not a great one). That's passed now, I'm not going to do anything, but I have no interest in prolonging my existence. The really sad thing is that I'm 40, in better health than I've been in years (physically), and I absolutely hate that my life ended at 39. It's not fair. Sometimes I look in the mirror, and for the first time in years-- maybe the first time ever, to be honest-- I actually like what I see. And it's wasted, because I'm just waiting around to die. :(
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: the_master on May 04, 2015, 12:23:31 PM
I also get suicidal thoughts. However, I don't do it because of my daughter.

But I have no interest in living another 20-30 years. I am in my mid-40s, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc.

I see my parents, in their mid to late 70s. Not happy people... I'm fine, checking out in a few years or so. I'm just not going to do it, myself.


I'm pretty much in the same place. I was close to suicidal six months ago (had a plan and everything, though not a great one). That's passed now, I'm not going to do anything, but I have no interest in prolonging my existence. The really sad thing is that I'm 40, in better health than I've been in years (physically), and I absolutely hate that my life ended at 39. It's not fair. Sometimes I look in the mirror, and for the first time in years-- maybe the first time ever, to be honest-- I actually like what I see. And it's wasted, because I'm just waiting around to die. :(

I know exactly how you feel. Personally, I have type 2 diabetes, hypertension stage 3 (blood pressure is sky high on a daily basis), and I don't care one bit...

I died on 2/19/15... I'm just waiting to stop breathing. I'm 46 and spent the bulk of that alone. No desire to do another 40.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: tinks on May 16, 2015, 07:11:51 AM
Going into my 9th month on this journey I have found that exercise no matter what it is has helped. I started out just walking the dogs, then I started using groupon to get discounts on classes that I now take with a couple friends weekly. (Zumba has been the best one so far) I have recently started to run 3-4 times a week its my 20 minutes of peace just me, my thoughts and music. I also try to drink lots of water. But most importantly be patient with yourself, rest and take the help when it is offered.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: CherrY on September 23, 2015, 04:42:28 PM
Take time to do nothing sometimes !!!
Well meaning friends will worry or judge you for doing nothing or just starring at the dumbest shows on TV all day long.
But it's normal and it can help. I know it did for me. Picture your broken heart like a broken leg. You have to stay immobilized for it to heel. If others can't see the cast on your soul it doesn't mean it's not there (and helping). 
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: sojourner on September 25, 2015, 10:55:43 AM
I went to my first grief support group last weekend. Several suggestions seemed pretty helpful with some practical matters of daily living.

One was to put some lights, and maybe a radio/music/TV, on timers so that something would be on first thing in the morning and/or last thing at night; that way, you don't have to wake up in (or come home to or go to bed in) a dark, too-quiet house. (I still have kids at home, but when they're out, the house seems way too quiet.) Another was to regularly, even daily, make conscious plans for something you enjoy and write them on your calendar, to have something to look forward to. Another was that if you feel self-conscious eating out by yourself, taking along a book or sudoko or something like that to have at the table may help make you more comfortable.

Hope these might be helpful-
Sojourner

Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Quixote on September 25, 2015, 11:36:40 AM
Friends you thought were close will let you down--  not in a purposeful way, but some people just can't be around others in pain.

Friends you didn't really think of as close will be the ones over at your place with a hot dinner and an offer to do laundry.

Everyone will pitch in until about two weeks past the memorial/funeral.  Then they'll be back to their old lives, even family members like parents and siblings.  And you'll be in that empty house.  Be ready for that.

Be prepared for people to say incredibly insensitive things, often in the guise of wanting to help.  Don't take it personally--  no one ever really knows what to say.

Don't worry about "moving on" or anything like that right now.  It's okay to curl up with old love letters and photos, watch videos of your lost loved one, all that stuff.  They just died! 

Set a routine in the morning and try to follow it.  My dog always got me out of the house, because I lived in a condo and had to at least walk her to the corner in the morning.  Find something similar to get you going.  Tell yourself you'll go back to bed later if you have to.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: kevinhile on November 01, 2015, 11:47:49 AM
Some very good advice here, thank you. My husband, Jim, died less than a week ago from a blood clot in the lung. Very sudden and unexpected. It hurts because the man was so full of life and believed himself immortal. I had been with him for 10 years and though we would have 30 or more together. I have never experienced so much pain, but I don't want this to change me, I don't want to not be the man that Jim loved. I miss him so much
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Jess on November 01, 2015, 11:57:46 AM
Kevin, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, Jim. I had about 10 years with my husband, Joe. He too was full of life and always made me laugh. I have changed over the last 15 months. There is no way I couldn't because my life had changed in worst, most dramatic way possible and I had to adapt. But, something I have learned is these changes do not mean I am further from being the person that he loved, but rather I am changing in ways he would be proud of and would understand are needed to survive this new reality.

I found this group of people very early out as well and I credit them with helping me process my grief in the healthiest way I could. I still credit them all with that because my journey is always ongoing. I hope you find this group of amazing people as helpful as I have. Take care of yourself the best you can and keep on sharing. We are here.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Jen on November 06, 2015, 05:47:54 PM
Kevin, I lost my Jim to a sudden blood clot to the lung as well. I am so, so sorry. (((((HUGS)))))
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: ManutesGirl on February 04, 2016, 06:28:45 PM
I don't often come into this section but tonight I did.  As I read all your stories it brought me back to my early days and all the support I received from fellow wids. The ones I remember most are

- be gentle on yourself. 
- drink plenty of water (the not eating days and lots of crying dehydrates you)
- make sure you eat when you can.  PB&J, cereal, pizza, etc are perfectly good meals for you and your kids multiple nights a week
- your grief, your rules...meaning no one can define for you the right way to grieve. your grief journey is unique to you.

I'm so sorry you had to join this club but glad you were able to find this place.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: nonesuch on May 08, 2016, 12:57:16 PM
My husband was kind of a pack rat.  I'm six years out, but there are still things that aren't of sentimental value to me that are basically clutter.  Some of it came from his family.  Over the years I started sorting and setting aside for this cousin or that in-law...and it was just a few months ago I thought, hey, this stuff that was *his* is now *mine*.  I have no obligation to send any damned thing anywhere.  I can throw out pictures of his relatives, I don't *have to* send back that possible collector's item because it came from his Dad; I can just sell it on Ebay.  There is one thing, a vase his mother gave me, (and her mother gave her) I thought ought to stay in the family...but now I'm thinking, WTH, she gave that to me.

I'd love for his daughter to have something, because, or in spite of the fact that they were pretty much estranged and didn't have a lot of time together.  But you know what? His ex was the cause of that.  His daughter likes having money (she doesn't handle it well) but there's nothing here that's very valuable.  I'm not going to agonize over it any more. 
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Dianne34 on July 17, 2016, 03:31:15 AM
hi all,

I am new here, new to this life, new to the crushing reality of having lost my husband 2 weeks ago. I am being tossed back and forth between intense sadness, anger for being thrown into this situation and feeling so sorry for our little girls who will have to grow up without a father.

Similar to another story I read here, he gave our girls a kiss and popped out for a quick run - 2.5 km later he was gone. Ripped from our life just like that. I realise it is true but find it so unacceptable. We were so happy, in the middle of renovating our house and loving life. He was only 35 years old - our life together as a family had only just started.

Finding this site and reading your posts helps a little. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone but am relieved I am not the only one in the world going through this utterly lonely experience, if that makes sense.

thank you for sharing...
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Trying on July 17, 2016, 06:33:55 AM
Dianne I am so very sorry for your loss and for your little girls.  You have found a wonderful place where people understand the devastation you are experiencing.  Keep reading and post as much as you need to, we can't take away the pain but we can help you feel less alone in your grief. 
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: mizjsea on July 17, 2016, 06:39:51 PM
Dianne34 - I too am so so sorry for your loss. It is a crushing reality and it sucks so much. The early days are so raw and traumatic. We all understand here no matter our circumstances. Its like a subculture of the world that has been faced with one of life's dirty little secrets and at least here we can connect. I have not posted a whole lot but I read almost every day and it has helped feeling like I am not the only one.

Be kind to yourself and try to just get by taking baby steps but I know with young children that is very hard to do.  Take care.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: jeudi on January 05, 2017, 07:27:07 PM
It has been 14 years since my LH died so I am reaching, reaching back into memory to recall what worked for me.

Forget reading...I could not summon the concentration necessary to read books and I feared I had lost it forever but this ability returned. Instead of reading I watched movies. So many movies...and this was before Netflix so I ran up a huge bill at Blockbuster.

I made myself get dressed every day after the first six months of wearing only nightgowns and pajamas. It helped me feel like I had purpose even though, for quite awhile, I didn't.

I took a frivolous trip to New Orleans at about four months. It was where I met DH and it helped me to be in that city with my memories. I took my daughter with me and showed her everything important, fed her every food that her Dad and I had enjoyed together. We spent money we didn't have, stayed at a great boutique hotel and took taxi's everywhere. I still don't know how I paid for it but it was so GOOD. She still talks about it...she was 17 then and is now 31.

I did some crazy stuff too- I used to sleep on the driveway. It made me feel better inside to feel crappy outside and sleeping in the cold on concrete sure does make you feel like crap. I also used to hike up this hill behind my house and scream at the top of my lungs. This felt more productive than getting onto a crying jag. I could get those emotions OUT without the headache that comes from crying for days on end. Luckily I lived in the middle of nowhere. I'm sure someone heard me but they probably had no idea where the sound was coming from. I probably sounded like a banshee. Screaming as loud as you can hurts your throat but it did make me feel better to get it all out at once and in such an extreme way.

I took over DH's closet. The motivation to do so was also a bit crazy- I wanted there to be some benefit, selfish as hell, in his death. Just some small benefit. We had two side by side closets in our bedroom and I put all of my out of season clothes in his closet and lined up all of my shoes like a celebrity. So there.

For awhile I did things that DH wouldn't have liked, prepared and ate meals he hated for the same reason as the closet take-over. I cut my hair really short. I wore my cowboy boots with shorts. DH had given me an antique silver charm for Christmas the Christmas before he died and never got me a bracelet to put it on. His treatment nurses used to give him hell about it (they knew how much it would mean to me to have him complete the gift) and I purchased my own bracelet and added the charm and then spent lots of money on other vintage charms that had meaning as regards our life together. I still wear this everyday, have added more charms to it to the point of obnoxiousness but I love touching the charm that has a man and woman sitting close to each other on a park bench (the one he gave me).

I had a big box of love letters- we started our relationship at the end of a summer while we were both home from college. I went back to my out of state school and we wrote letters to each other pretty much every day. I read and re-read these. It was a bit like hearing his voice again and it reminded me of our love, our beginning passions, our reason for being US. (we were married 24 years when he died, together for 27 years.)

At six months I started swimming. I drove 45 miles each way to get from my rural home to a pool that offered heated water and lap swimming. Reaquainting myself with my body and getting more fit was helpful in so many ways. I could sleep better, had more stamina with which to do "everything" by myself and as I had gained a lot of weight while DH was in treatment for the cancer that killed him, it felt good to be able to wear my clothes more comfortably as the swimming whittled off the fat. It helped me not to be so freaked out about my health too as that was a concern that kept me up at night.

Before the six month mark I really couldn't do much to forward myself. I gave myself a pass for those six months and well afterwards I was kind to myself when I was having a bad day. I allowed it.

I think it's best not to expect too much out of yourself. I have a friend who lost her husband shortly after she had given birth to their first child. Her road through her early widowhood looked nothing like mine. I had far more wiggle room for self-indulgence and I certainly did a lot of it. Each of us has our own path and the trick is to find what works for you and to give yourself time to grieve, however that looks to you.

Jeudi (Judy)
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Angelalpn on July 04, 2017, 11:17:08 AM
I am at the little over a month mark. I am lost, confused and literally alone. I cry at everything, get angry for the littlest things, and rejoice when I feel good enough to shower.
I have found that little things also make me smile and think of Scott. Someone texted me just days after he passed to ask how I was...that still bothers me, but that particular day it was funny. I was texting back that I was fine-ish. My phone auto corrected it to I am a fish. My children and I got a needed laugh...they are all adults 19, 21, and 24. So now if we are asked we say we are a fish.
I am a creative writing major and planned on writing historical fiction. Now I have decided to write a young widow grief book because there isnt much out there.. I have decided the title will be I am a fish
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: Wheelerswife on July 04, 2017, 11:37:45 AM
Hi, Angela. 

Welcome to our forum.  I'm sorry you had to join us.  Although I am capable at times of writing fairly coherently, sometimes I revert to my basics.  Here it is:  This all sucks!  At one month out, I would be surprised if you were not lost, confused and literally alone, even when surrounded by your kids, friends, family and co-workers.  Your heart and soul are just lost, and the only thing that could make things right is something you can't have.  It sucks.  In plain English, it does! 

People around us try to help us and talk to us and they are often at a loss as to what to do or say...so they ask the obvious and rote questions like, "How are you?"  But often, many are not ready or capable of dealing with our truth.  I've been down this road twice now and learned that it was best for me to be real with people and to give them words they didn't know how to say.  I acknowledged it must be awkward for them and I told them many of my personal truths.  I told people to talk about my husband and stop worrying about making me sad or making me cry.  I was already sad and crying.  Perhaps you can do something like this with your friends and family.  It was worse for me with the elephant in the room that people were afraid to acknowledge.

I hope you find comfort here amongst people who understand.

And by the way...I love your book title.  You will find over time that we actually have widow humor.  We can always use more!

Hugs,

Maureen
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: BambiGrk on August 06, 2017, 12:28:38 PM
It's so hard to post here, it's so hard to even read this thread, but I'm really trying. I've read all these suggestions but can't help but wonder how much they really help, or if things will ever truly get easier.

My Husband passed away a little over a week ago, four days before our one year wedding anniversary (though we had been together for almost six years). It was completely sudden and unexpected, he was only 25 and I am only 23. I feel so lost and confused. I am widowed before most of my friends are even married. Many of them are now engaged and my best friend phoned me today saying her BF proposed and I felt so bitter, and I don't want to feel that way. But I feel so robbed. Not just of my Husband, but of the future that we were supposed to have. The children that we were supposed to have. The life we were supposed to build together. I know that the grief is still fresh and that I'm young but right now I feel like I'll never over come this feeling. I'm so tired of people saying "Oh I know what you're going through I lost so and so" and it is NOT the same as losing YOUR person. Being a widow at 23 is like being trapped because NO ONE around me understands what it's like, especially not my friends.
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: butterfly on August 06, 2017, 03:54:04 PM
BambiGrk,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You were robbed.  I am grieving the future that we should have had and feel like a freak/alien because none of my friends or family have experienced this type of loss. Reading some of these posts have helped me feel a little less alone and little less confused.  Thank you for posting.

Butterfly
Title: Re: Our suggestions for the newly widowed
Post by: BambiGrk on August 06, 2017, 05:19:57 PM
Butterfly,

I am sorry you are grieving and for your loss as well. Yes, it is so hard when there is no one around that understands this type of loss. I def get the freak/alien thing, as that's how I feel too. Or it's like everyone is treating you with kid gloves.

My Mother seems to think that she can do things to keep my mind off it; take me to get my hair or nails done, shopping, etc, etc. I suppose there are women out there that do grieve like that but for me personally I have no desire to do these things. They will not make me forget my loss and they will not stop my hurt, even for a minute. Not to say I don't appreciate her kind gesture.

It is comforting to know that there are people going through the same thing, although I am sad that they have to...