Young Widow Forum

Young Widow Forum => General Discussion => Topic started by: Mac on March 09, 2015, 07:15:14 PM

Title: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Mac on March 09, 2015, 07:15:14 PM
Early On: "Some of the neighbors think that you aren't grieving enough." (You should see me behind closed doors or with those that I trust).

Going to the Optometrist. This was at about 7 months:

The other day I was at the optometrist office. I had requested a copy of Cindy's charges from last year. It was supposed to be waiting for me.

They didn't have it ready, so I gave them her name and DOB. The receptionist looked at me and said: I show that she is dead. She said it in the tone of: I see that you have changed your phone number.

The employee sitting next to her turned and looked at her in a state of disbelief. That employee then looked up at me and started crying.

I replied: Yes indeed, she is dead.

There had been some other sadness earlier that day - so that kind of just added to that. By about 9:00 PM I actually started to find it somewhat humorous that she was so clueless.

If I would have been on my toes, I would have responded to her:

"As coroner I must report, I thoroughly examined her. And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead."
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Mac on March 09, 2015, 07:20:38 PM
http://youtu.be/OYVnt3KDxDE (http://youtu.be/OYVnt3KDxDE)

Shit People Say to Widows
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: lovedroses on March 09, 2015, 08:54:12 PM
My winner in this category after 5 years of some truly mind blowing nuggets:

"You are so lucky, you have options now."  If it had been handy, I do believe I would have purse-slapped her.   :o

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Elizabeth29 on March 09, 2015, 09:39:58 PM
At Thanksgiving dinner with my DH's family, his uncle, quite loudly, asks me if I've starting dating yet.  With all eyes on me, I say no.

His reply?

"Huh, it's not natural for someone your age not to be dating".

Um...ok....maybe I'm not dating because your nephew died and I just don't feel like it yet.  I should have flung a spoonful of mashed potatoes at his head.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Mangomom on March 09, 2015, 10:16:10 PM
At the cemetery,  3 days after he unexpectedly died, buying the plots...  "You sure you want two? You are young and pretty, you'll probably marry again."

Former best friend... "If you think you should be crying about B and you aren't, call me and I'll do it.  I miss him so much."

My own mother, after seeing my new hair cut at abou 9 months out... Wow, you've bounced back.  I'm so happy for you.  There's a guy in my office..."
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Chopperette on March 09, 2015, 10:40:07 PM
A friend told me at almost 21 months out

I pray every day for him to have a chance to get into heaven, that is if he made it into purgatory...

I was......
(http://31.media.tumblr.com/bfe78a6ae2955863c976ed217782c09d/tumblr_mgzj8zYSKC1rfduvxo1_500.gif)
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Baylee627 on March 09, 2015, 10:42:39 PM
At the cemetery office, less than two weeks after DH's burial, I'd come to fork over the setting fee for his monument installation.

The office manager, about the most unpleasant old mare ever conceived takes one look at my stricken, tearful face and chirped brightly: "don't you worry, you are still young and you'll get married again."

Me: (thinking, step off, beeyotch, and WTF??) "I am not even thinking of that."

Her: "Well, I lost my first husband at around your age, and I got remarried, so trust me that you will, too.

Me: "Are we finished here? Because I'm going to go visit my husband's grave."

My sweet husband was resting eternally about 40 yards to the left of me outside her office window. That scrunched-faced woman was lucky I didn't throttle her in a fit of fury!

Baylee


Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Mangomom on March 09, 2015, 11:08:54 PM
The office manager, about the most unpleasant old mare ever conceived takes one look at my stricken, tearful face and chirped brightly: "don't you worry, you are still young and you'll get married again

Your cemetery witch and my gravedigger must have studied at the same school for the obnoxious!
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: widowat33 on March 09, 2015, 11:19:07 PM
Ah, yes..the young you will get married again comments..Really? Cause that's the first thing on my mind when I've just lost the love of my life, yep first priority find a man..
Or, everything happens for a reason...explain that one..or better yet explain the reason I just "four finger throat punched" you ( that was my hubby's favorite saying, he had lost a finger, so it was always four fingered instead of five)
I just smile politely and change the topic, because I'm sure I have and will make insensitive statements too..
But yeah sometimes they just piss you off...
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: OSAAT on March 10, 2015, 03:29:50 AM
I was trying to explain some of the complicated grief I have experienced to a friend, which is my fault. I know better. He asked if i still loved J. I said yes. I said I still loved my first love, too. He said well I see why you've struggled with dating (I am thinking WTF does that mean). I asked what he meant and he said "it is tough for a man to swallow that his gf loves other men". I responded saying well, I am not shouting it in their faces or wearing t-shirts. And his response was "its a rock and a hard place to secretly love other men while trying to build an honest relationship with a new man. I don't envy you". WTF was that? And who said I was secretly hiding anything you dickwaud? My response was "just because you're no longer in a relationship or someone dies does not mean you stop loving them. It is not that simple".

I don't even know what to say. I am completely speechless (for once).
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Carey on March 10, 2015, 07:34:53 AM
Ya'll ready for me to take the prize here? A year later I can laugh, but wow....
So my husband died 11/23/13, his body came back from Saudi Arabia 1/6/14, and he was finally laid to rest at Fayetteville State Veteran's Cemetery 1/17/14.  I live about 45 minutes away from Fayetteville. One of my childhood friends lives there now. We're talking like elementary school. Didn't go through middle school or high school together because he moved.  When he moved back to NC as an adult we picked back up a facebook friendship and he came to visit me once while Chad was in Saudi and helped me with a car issue. Chad's death was complicated by the overseas thing and there were lots of details over 6 weeks that were mind boggling.  Trey helped with some of that since he lived where I was burying Chad. So fast forward to the day of the funeral. Outdoors, January 17th, military honors. We were in a committal shelter but it was COLD.  Trey put his coat around my shoulders, which was a nice gesture. I was just completely strung out. I ended up kneeling in the dirt after they buried him and just couldn't get up. He took a pic of me then which I thought was weird. Later, we all went to his restaurant he managed. He is a 5 star chef and it was FANCY.  He comped the bill for all of us ... like 20 people.  Long story short, the people I was spending the night with weren't feeling well and I had left my truck at their house. I asked Trey if he would take me back to the cemetery, I just wanted to go back for a few minutes and he said he would. We get there and it's dark and cold and he is standing behind me with his arms around me which I was fine with. UNTIL he turned me around, KISSED me with tongue..........and tried to run his hand UP my dress.  Yup right there at the fresh grave.

Do I get an award for most obnoxious encounter in widowhood?  UGHHH......
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Linda L on March 10, 2015, 07:40:57 AM
Mine was when a fellow young widow told me "to look in the mirror" when I lamented on the other board that I would probably never know the reasons behind my DH's suicide.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: DonnaP on March 10, 2015, 08:22:39 AM
Wow! THOSE are pretty obnoxious. I don't think I can top any of the former comments. I did get propositioned by a co-worker, who told me he'd had a dream about me. Silly me - so naive - I asked what we were doing in the dream. He said we had taken a hike, and stopped by a large boulder, then started doing it on the boulder. Um. Yeah. Time to end THAT conversation fast...
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: JacklessSally on March 10, 2015, 08:25:20 AM
I had a widow (on another support group online)  tell me that I didn't know what loss was. That my loss was nothing in comparison.

A few weeks later, a friend and I were talking about suicidal thoughts and his accidental overdose (he is fine, thank god) she butted in and told us that we aren't allowed to talk about things like that and that we were scaring away people who may need to talk...

I have had strangers offer me sex as a way to get over B..
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: MrsDan on March 10, 2015, 09:22:40 AM
Ya'll ready for me to take the prize here? A year later I can laugh, but wow....
So my husband died 11/23/13, his body came back from Saudi Arabia 1/6/14, and he was finally laid to rest at Fayetteville State Veteran's Cemetery 1/17/14.  I live about 45 minutes away from Fayetteville. One of my childhood friends lives there now. We're talking like elementary school. Didn't go through middle school or high school together because he moved.  When he moved back to NC as an adult we picked back up a facebook friendship and he came to visit me once while Chad was in Saudi and helped me with a car issue. Chad's death was complicated by the overseas thing and there were lots of details over 6 weeks that were mind boggling.  Trey helped with some of that since he lived where I was burying Chad. So fast forward to the day of the funeral. Outdoors, January 17th, military honors. We were in a committal shelter but it was COLD.  Trey put his coat around my shoulders, which was a nice gesture. I was just completely strung out. I ended up kneeling in the dirt after they buried him and just couldn't get up. He took a pic of me then which I thought was weird. Later, we all went to his restaurant he managed. He is a 5 star chef and it was FANCY.  He comped the bill for all of us ... like 20 people.  Long story short, the people I was spending the night with weren't feeling well and I had left my truck at their house. I asked Trey if he would take me back to the cemetery, I just wanted to go back for a few minutes and he said he would. We get there and it's dark and cold and he is standing behind me with his arms around me which I was fine with. UNTIL he turned me around, KISSED me with tongue..........and tried to run his hand UP my dress.  Yup right there at the fresh grave.

Do I get an award for most obnoxious encounter in widowhood?  UGHHH......


Ummmm, yes.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: MrsDan on March 10, 2015, 09:23:37 AM
Mine was when a fellow young widow told me "to look in the mirror" when I lamented on the other board that I would probably never know the reasons behind my DH's suicide.

But Linda gets the prize for getting the biggest asshole comment.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Baylee627 on March 10, 2015, 09:36:29 AM
The office manager, about the most unpleasant old mare ever conceived takes one look at my stricken, tearful face and chirped brightly: "don't you worry, you are still young and you'll get married again

Your cemetery witch and my gravedigger must have studied at the same school for the obnoxious!

Or perhaps they are first cousins, who knows!

Baylee
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Carey on March 10, 2015, 09:52:09 AM
Whoa Linda .... that was not only obnoxious it was hurtful and downright mean. Hope you don't have any contact with that person anymore.  Sheesh............some people .....
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Tweety76 on March 10, 2015, 10:27:57 AM
Oh boy Linda and JacklessSally! Horrible! I remember commenting on the old board that it actually hurts even more when the DGI/hurtful comments come from a fellow widow(er).

Linda: that was just whoa! awful. What is wrong with people?
JS: I'm so sorry you had to witness that. Suicidal thoughts are so common and talking about them keeps us alive. Been there, done that, YWBB caught me.

I really haven't had any DGI comments just mild blurts. I however am capable of "smiting" (sorry! couldn't resist) them back either with politeness or just down right rude back.

Hugs all!
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: marian1953 on March 10, 2015, 12:40:43 PM
"Peter was nothing but an alcoholic and a drug addict." About four months into his death, maybe less.
This was one of my sisters on the phone, asking again for money. Peter was sober and we had supported her for years (autistic nephew) and her lousy assed husband lazed around for years trying to make it as a musician.
To this day I can feel the shock and hurt when she said it. The venom is her voice.

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Trying on March 10, 2015, 12:47:00 PM
My worst was from an IRL widow friend just after DH died.  He and I spent 8 years by her side after her husband died and my DH did countless things to help her because that's the kind of guy he was.  She said to me"you will never have anyone who will help you now as much as Tim (my DH) helped me". "You have no idea how hard this is on me and my kids" referring to the death of MY husband and my kids Dad.  And another goodie from her " you will be remarried within a year because you're not as picky as me". 
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Jen on March 10, 2015, 12:47:41 PM
I think the worst thing anyone has said to me came from one of my coworkers. I was talking about how I was not only grieving my sweet Jim, but the loss of my relationship, and the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. (Mind you, not one person has given me the "oh, you'll find someone else" line. It's like everybody I know thinks I should hie me to the nunnery.) My friend-- and I really do think of her as one, even after this particularly poorly chosen line-- told me, "You need a rich old gay guy. Then you can spend his money and do what you want."

I don't know, maybe that doesn't strike anyone else as particularly insensitive, but it just about shattered me. In those words I heard, "You will never have love again, you will never have sex again, no man will ever look at you, ever, so forget it! LOSER!!" Probably that's far from what she meant, but jeez... :-/
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Tweety76 on March 10, 2015, 12:55:03 PM
My eyes hurt! for reading...
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: sphoc on March 10, 2015, 12:58:46 PM
I've had a few doozies, coworkers and family alike:

1) 5 days after DH died of a self-inflicted GSW, my second day at work (yeah, he died on Thursday, I was back at work Monday) while at a meeting to review cases, "I'm going to shoot myself if I have to deal with this agent."
2) 3 month anniversary after coworker asked me if I was ok and I mentioned I was having a rough day that day, "Shouldn't you be over that by now?"

Never mind some of the hateful suggestions I got from family - stepmother (who didn't particularly care for DH) recommended shipping his ashes back to the UK and letting his people "deal with it". There are more, but those were probably the worst.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Mac on March 10, 2015, 01:42:43 PM
I had a bunch of people over to my house the night of the funeral, after the formal reception.

One college friend said to me: "Well Cindy must have been a bitch and a nag at times." My response: "In terms of the bitch part, we all have our days don't we Kelly? In terms of the nag part, Cindy never wanted to be a stereotypical spouse. I can be a bit of procrastinator at times, she didn't even nag me about stuff that she probably should have."
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Wheelerswife on March 10, 2015, 01:50:39 PM
I went to my gynecologist about 3 weeks after my first husband died.  My husband had a significant disability and had been critically sick the year before.  When I told her he had died a few weeks earlier, she said to me, "You will be better off without him."  (WTF???????)

My own father, 3 months after my first husband died:  "You knew he was going to die.  Why are you so sad?"

I never went back to that gynecologist, and I see my father about once a year now.

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Mangomom on March 10, 2015, 01:54:57 PM
MAc, you reminded me of my husband's boss who came to visit in the days between the death and funeral.  y mom was there and she is overweight, out of shape, smoker and frequently eats McDonalds 3 times a day.  Boss says, as I am walking him out to the car, "We use to talk about your mom's health a lot.  Why the fuck is she here and he is dead?"  I was like...  Umm...  excuse me?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: nonesuch on March 10, 2015, 07:23:18 PM
I was lucky. Everyone around me was pretty good. My only moment came actually a couple years in.

I'm pretty straightforward. For some months after LH's passing, I would say, "He died." I came to believe that was sort of bashing folks over the head with hard news, so I softened my approach. The irony is rich.

So, two years out, I was at the hardware store buying something or other, and the clerk asked for my phone number. I gave it, and he said, "The account registered to X." Me, being all sensitive to passing out bad news, started with, "Unfortunately..." and here I paused, giving the clerk a moment to process..."X is deceased."

Immediately he came back with, "It's really hard to change the name on the account."

Sarcasm is not my most attractive feature, but I may have rolled my eyes in public.

On the plus side, this hardware store keeps my paint purchases on record so I don't have to keep track for matching, and they have a resident cat.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Kamcho on March 10, 2015, 07:54:38 PM
.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: MrsT85 on March 10, 2015, 08:32:23 PM
My Tim died in early April 2013.  After almost a half dozen years at our old apartment, we gave them notice at the end of  012 that we'd be out be out by the end of May 2013.  Tim was going to graduate with his teaching degree at the end of April, and then he'd have a full month with no other obligations to get our place packed up, since I work full time.

Right after his accident, I asked if I could stay (and pay for, of course!) an extra month so I wasn't grieving his sudden loss AND trying to frantically pack up all of OUR old things without him.  It actually physically hurt for me to be in the apartment for the first few weeks after he died - as soon as I walked through the door, my back would seize up and I'd break down into tears when I was hit with the familiar scent of our home.  They told me at his funeral (verbally, of course...I should have gotten it in writing, those motherfuckers) that of course I could stay.  To take as much time as I needed.  Then they changed their mind when they decided I wasn't going fast enough and starting threatening me with legal action. 

Here's an actual quote from one of the emails they sent me:

"We have both suffered through the loss of loved ones and certainly have no wish to add to your burden. However, you must recognize the potential financial burden and time line we are facing. You advised us in December that you would be terminating your tenancy and reminded us several times throughout the first quarter of this year and yet it appears that no effort to bring the apartment into compliant cleanliness was made."

This was my imagined reply posted to ywbb, a little more than a month after his accident

"Yes, we gave you a written notice in December that we'd be out of the apartment at the end of May.

That was in December. Tim died at the beginning of April. So guess what, I'm not going to be out of the apartment at the originally scheduled time. Then you told my mother (who passed the message along to me) that as long as I paid the rent, I could stay and move my stuff out at my own pace. So now that I want to stay until the end of June, you email and tell me that today is my 30 day notice - I need to be out by June 11th. That's for the extra fucking week and a half.

And yes, the apartment is a mess. I don't care that you can't show it right now, I'm dealing with some shit of my own. I don't give a damn about the money you might be losing, since the apartment is "prime real estate." You are a miserable old husband and wife that - guess what! - still have each other, two children, and grandchildren! So tell me again what parts of my apartment you're "disappointed" in. Tell me again which specific part of the apartment that I may have left in a state of disrepair is "really terrible."

We were there for over 5 years. We were never once late with a rent payment. Have a little fucking compassion.

Fuck both of you. You'll get your fucking money, just leave me alone. I don't care about grout, or mold, or greasy kitchen appliances."
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: canadiangirl on March 10, 2015, 09:38:10 PM
This one happened to me just today, but I heard it secondhand and it wasn't a personal message, thank goodness: 

"We have faith that with all the new technology and social networks, the newbies will find their way, just as we found ours. The site wasn't there when I lost my husband... In fact, there are so many wonderful online resources now, we felt that everyone would find their way and be in good hands. It was a really hard decision and there were many board discussions about how to address our future. Please know we have always had everyone's best intentions in mind...Thank you for reading this and understanding that it was a business decision made based on many factors that not everyone is aware of."   ::)
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Virgo on March 10, 2015, 09:42:24 PM
Friend to my mil "Be thankful he lived for 39 years." Of course, but we wanted him to live another 50 or so.

Friend to my daughter "I know how you feel. My dog just died." Not even close.

I overheard my dad say to someone, "my son in-law passed away, but we weren't very close." Very hurtful. I haven't told my dad I overheard him.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: DansSoulmate on March 19, 2015, 03:14:17 PM
At the funeral home by an employee as I was sitting on the edge of the seat scared senseless bracing myself for having to identify his body and make arrangements,  "Are you ok?"..umm..well..let's see..my husband just died (in front of me) 30 some hours ago so the answer would be "NO".

At the memorial service by one of his customers.."You look gooooodddd".well thanks, I'm actually still in a state of shock so I'm lucky to have two matching shoes and clothes on  :)

From his mother three days after his death from a heart attack, "YOU should have MADE him go to the cardiologist"..seriously..he was 50 so capable of making his own decisions about his health care and not that long ago he had been to a cardiologist as well as had a stress test.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: keeptrying on March 19, 2015, 06:16:54 PM
My mother knew how close our family was and how happy we were in our marriage. These are things that were said by my mom IMMEDIATELY after my husband died.. Would you rather the insurance policy or have him back? Maybe he did it because your son annoyed him too much and he couldn't take it. You need to get over it, you are ruining your kids by being sad, you are going to screw them up for life. Life is what you make it, and you are choosing to be miserable. How much money did you get, I need to know to see if I should move out there and help you. (She doesn't have a job)
A male friend I knew since the age of 11 - You are beautiful and a great mom, but no way in hell you will ever find a man who wants to be with you because of all the kids you have. If I were you, I would just get over it already. You need to stop being so selfish and dwelling over this and start getting out more.
My uncle asked if he could help with food/finances. My other uncle, oh don't worry about her, she is loaded now. ( didn't even know if i had a policy or my money situation) - Same uncle, hours after death ran upstairs, opened the door when I was telling my dad and said, go get your life insurance policy, I need to see it now.
My cousin - wow, and I used to be jealous of your family.
Everything happens for a reason, in time, you will learn a lesson and good will come of it!!  WHAT? someone ACTUALLY said that to me. Pregnant with 6 small kids, take my husband and kids dad away and tell me something like that?
God knows when you are going to live and die..He took him for a purpose -  oh yeah? because being a dad and supporting your wife and family wasn't a good enough one? Leaving me here alone in hell is okay?
How many times I heard, I understand how you feel, what you are going through..  - I say No, no you don't.
My brothers uncles dads twice removed cousins cat died.. - see? I know, I know how you feel, I have been through it
Unfortunately there are many more. Needless to say.. it is hard trying to keep a relationship with people even though some how they mean the best and have the best intentions?
 
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Baylee627 on March 20, 2015, 10:15:13 AM
Reading through these posts, my main thought is just WTF is wrong with some people?? Some of these stories are mildly humorous because the offenders are so obtuse, but some of the offenders in these posts---their comments make me recoil they are that egregious!

Just...yuck!

Baylee
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Lisa on March 21, 2015, 09:06:05 AM
Really shocking what widows said to eachother. My favorite was about 2 weeks after the funeral by a "friend" of his...."i just cant believe he would have wanted to be cremated "
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kmouse on March 21, 2015, 01:39:14 PM
"You should be glad you had that kind of a love...lots of people don't even get that. I probably wouldn't expect it again." -guy I supervised who then began a pattern of pestering me socially and trying to get me to go out with him (my husband was a flat stud and he was a dud. As IF.)

"Well, now at least she can get married again to someone who can give her children." -one of my staff members (Richard and I had many years of infertility issues and had decided to adopt the day before he died.)

And then there was the wid dad who wreaked major havoc in the wids w/o kids section on the old board a while back. Seem to enjoy pounding it into our childless heads that his reality was much worse than ours. Probably one of the only times I wanted to reach through the screen and rip the face off another wid. I'll never forget the awful things he said...damaging.

Other than those, just garden variety cluelessness from people who cared, couldn't understand, but tried really hard. Those folks I cut lots of slack towards and listen for intent.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Kamcho on March 21, 2015, 02:11:40 PM
Well, we all know that on the old board it was ok to treat people like crap as long as there were groupies to back you up.

I'm sure he was having a really rough time in his life, so that made it ok to behave that way....

I doubt that will fly here.



And then there was the wid dad who wreaked major havoc in the wids w/o kids section on the old board a while back. Seem to enjoy pounding it into our childless heads that his reality was much worse than ours. Probably one of the only times I wanted to reach through the screen and rip the face off another wid. I'll never forget the awful things he said...damaging.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Baylee627 on March 21, 2015, 03:20:03 PM
^^^Nope, sure won't.

(Carry on:)

Baylee
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Munsen on March 21, 2015, 05:38:04 PM
I must confess that I've had my share of tactless comments in this new life. Some have been gut-wrenching and have caused me a lot of anger that I've had to work hard at expunging from my life.

So many people that I used to not mind are now anathema to me and that is sad and one of the secondary losses in grief. I can honestly say that I felt visceral hatred towards some when I'd see them after one of those thoughtless comments. And avoiding them until I could rebuild my tough outer shell. But, to this day there are some people I cannot do more than mumble a polite 'hello' when they greet me in the community and then I skedaddle as quickly as possible out of range of their insensitive tongues.

Just last week (I'm over 4 years out) a new staff member stopped me at my mom's nursing home to brightly tell me that she was sorry my husband had died but that she used to be so jealous of me that she couldn't hardly stand the sight of me....Umm, how am I supposed to take that? So, now you can talk to me because you feel sorry for me? I mumbled something like 'Umm, ok, gotta go!" then quickly left before I said something bad like 'eff you, bi**h!'  Not because I wasn't willing to but the last thing my mother needs is an aide with an angry attitude towards me. But all I could think afterwards was 'WTF was that about? What purpose did telling me that serve?!'

Again and again I've realized its all about other people's feelings. Ours are inconsequential to that type. And, yes, some people really don't use their brains for more than a hat-rack.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Chopperette on March 22, 2015, 10:38:13 AM
When my dear sister told me the dentist (who is a friend and a widower) asked her how was I. She said she told him I was sad, but she tought I was better off without my LH!!!!!!  >:(
I love my sister she has a good heart and tries to help everyone, but she is very insensitive and it's hard to love her!
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Wheelerswife on March 22, 2015, 11:32:16 AM
Chopperette, my gynecologist told me that I would be better off without my first husband, too.  Talk about a kick to the gut.

Maureen

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Carey on March 23, 2015, 07:45:39 AM

Unfortunately there are many more. Needless to say.. it is hard trying to keep a relationship with people even though some how they mean the best and have the best intentions?
 

NO ONE should ever have to hear these things. My heart just broke reading it.  I thought my family was the worst.   My husband's brother told me within like 2 hours of finding out he was dead to "not make this into an Amy pity party".  !!!!   There is just no reason for this. Its one thing that our situations make others uncomfortable , no doubt, and they are at a loss for words ... but these things are just out of the ballpark uncalled for.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on March 23, 2015, 03:10:36 PM
My sister asked me if will marry again, within days after DH died.  WTF.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: fairlanegirl on March 23, 2015, 06:09:43 PM
MAc, you reminded me of my husband's boss who came to visit in the days between the death and funeral.  y mom was there and she is overweight, out of shape, smoker and frequently eats McDonalds 3 times a day.  Boss says, as I am walking him out to the car, "We use to talk about your mom's health a lot.  Why the fuck is she here and he is dead?"  I was like...  Umm...  excuse me?
Though not very nice to your mum, when I read this I thought, in a way he is just expressing something that many of us feel. Just not doing it very tactfully...his way of showing shocked sympathy.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: DonnaP on March 26, 2015, 12:08:39 PM
Since I am remarried, I also get comments like "you have your new husband now so you shouldn't be sad" implying that somehow remarrying fixes all the hurt/grief.

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: CBB on March 26, 2015, 02:30:58 PM
I had to pipe in on this one. I went to go get my hair done the other day. I sold my house the year before after I was widowed and couldnt afford to keep it. But a very nice young couple had purchased it. My hairdresser introduced me to the young couples parents. They were polite enough, until the mother asked me if I had children. It took me a moment to collect myself and say yes I do but one recently died. I kid you not..the husband piped in and asked do you have other children? I said yes and without missing a beat he says well good, at least you still have two. I wanted to punch him in the throat.

Cyndi
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: smabify on March 26, 2015, 02:56:05 PM
On the day of the funeral, my uncle pipes up "if you had only tried _________  (name of experimental medical " treatment " here), he would have lived. I meant to tell you sooner, but I've been busy "

I still have trouble talking with him now, almost 3 years later.

My mom, a few months later "you knew he could die. You knew the family you married into". Thanks, mom.

Many people, after finding out DD had same genetic condition as DH died from and would need surgery " don't worry, you've seen it before."

And my absolute favorite: day of funeral, distant relative "are you going to keep the kid? Really? What about the fetus? That one too? Huh" he deserved a well placed kick in the shins.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: sdarrah1130 on March 26, 2015, 03:18:48 PM
It has been 1 month today that E passed away. 

I went to the 12:00 mass and pretty much cried through the whole thing.  After mass I visited the restroom to wash my face prior to heading back to work. 

The woman in the bathroom asked if I was ok and I told her why I was crying.  She said "I lost my mother 3 years ago, I know how you feel." 

I guess it really wasn't insensitive but I really wanted to slap her. 

Sandy - E's wife.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: MamaZ on March 26, 2015, 04:41:50 PM
ADT tech said to me when I declined having them charge me again, in full, to reinstall my security system after a lightning strike that happened during our cancer battle: "Think of the children! Your dead husband would be so disgusted if he knew you put dollars before his children".

Owner of the off site storage facility where D has stashed old things like baby furniture etc, following a break-in (coincidence? ONLY D and the storage place knew which unit#. Lock was cut off the day his obit ran), "You might not be the only woman in his life, ya know. Maybe you should ask HER!". He denied that he said that when the sheriff showed up.

During this last visit by my mom, who was a god send during cancer and has been highly supportive of me after: "NO one is as busy as you pretend to be. I think you are keeping busy to avoid thinking about D". Yeah, working a very intensive R&D job while trying to raise high schoolers who do not drive is cake. I secretly am bored with nothing to do.

Sigh.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Baylee627 on March 26, 2015, 04:58:14 PM
On my Shit List:

1. ADT rep...may need to eat my fist for breakfast
2. Storage Unit Jackass...swift kick to his bird eggs delivered by my square toed boots.
3. Anyone else??

I couldn't believe their temerity to say such things to you. Grrrr....

Baylee
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: ThalginsLuv on April 02, 2015, 01:02:57 PM
I think my all time favorite was when I found out I was pregnant with a girl and I started telling people. So this person says, "Oh, thank God you are having a girl. It's too hard to raise a boy without a father."

My reply, "Oh yea because daughters never care if they have a daddy or not."
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Carey on April 02, 2015, 01:08:11 PM
Ugh.  Haven't they ever heard of "daddy's girl" , "mamas boy"??  regardless of the sex, children need their father.  I'm so sorry they were so insensitive. At some point, people should learn that sometimes less is more and if you are at a loss for words just don't say anything. sheesh.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Max2507 on April 03, 2015, 07:27:39 PM
I went to a funeral today. It was for a man my husband knew for years through business and after my husband died he made a point to let me know I could call him for advice or help and when I did he was really great. It was the first funeral since my husbands and in a funeral home where my sister's service was 23 years ago. Needless to say I was unnerved. I am waiting to talk to his longtime partner and the lady in front of me is talking to her and says "oh what finally got him diabetes or heart disease?" I honestly wanted to punch her in the back of the head.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Virgo on April 05, 2015, 12:24:10 AM
I had to pipe in on this one. I went to go get my hair done the other day. I sold my house the year before after I was widowed and couldnt afford to keep it. But a very nice young couple had purchased it. My hairdresser introduced me to the young couples parents. They were polite enough, until the mother asked me if I had children. It took me a moment to collect myself and say yes I do but one recently died. I kid you not..the husband piped in and asked do you have other children? I said yes and without missing a beat he says well good, at least you still have two. I wanted to punch him in the throat.

Cyndi

That has to be the worst thing a person could say to a grieving parent.  I'm so sorry you were subjected to that insensitive idiot.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Amor on April 05, 2015, 06:15:55 PM
Death is better than divorce. 

Work mate:  We never wanted to work with someone who spouse died.  (Best conversation I had with that person the whole time I was working there)

Work mate normally just looked at me then left not even saying hi or bye. 

Always a favorite:  You should be over it.  Over it, are you joking, how do you get over death but with death itself?  Remember this was and still is the love of my LIFE!

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Baylee627 on April 05, 2015, 07:36:54 PM
My brother--Bubby--called to see how my Easter went down today with my in-laws.

I said: It was painful, tearful.

Bubby: (audible and disgusted exhale), oh my gawd, seriously? At some point the tide should turn and days like today should be fun. When are you going to move on?

I fiercely lurve my Bubby, but the guy just only recently refrained from drunk dialing his widowed sister on the regular, and still has a proclivity for ordering up his next decade younger, one-night stand on an iPhone app.

But *I'm* the one with an attachment issue. Mmm-kay....

Baylee




Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: serpico on April 05, 2015, 08:32:28 PM
^^^ You wouldn't, uh, happen to have the name of that app, would ya? It's for a friend...  :o
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Questions on April 13, 2015, 11:10:27 PM
I'll never forget the day my husband was diagnosed as terminal (a week after we were told his cancer was 100% curable) The nurse shouted "Have a nice day!" to us as we were leaving the hospital.

So I was wheeling DH to the car, tears streaming down my face & this lady walking in the other direction says "What's wrong?" I said: We got some bad news.. & she says "Oh, well.. the sun is out!"

wtf??

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on April 14, 2015, 07:41:13 PM
2 weeks after DH died my youngest brother called and I told him I was having a hard time. He told me ' well, it's time to just get on with it'. Yup really what an ahole. I told him it's going to take a bit longer. Major DGI and so are the rest of my siblings and many 'used to be' friends.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Ursula on April 14, 2015, 09:52:00 PM
Oh dear, this is too much... Whaaaa, some people really do need a slap in their face....
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Birdbucket on April 20, 2015, 06:19:38 AM
I think when these comments hurt the worst is the intention behind them. We've all got these. The comments that are easier to blow off are the ones that come from people who are uncomfortable but mean well. Those I don't even remember anymore. But these two are the ones I'll never forget....

At a party for my in-laws a year maybe after LH died, I was telling this man who I was... daughter-in-law of their son who died a year ago. He asked how he died, and I said cancer. His reply, "What did you Do to him?" followed by laughter at his insanely funny joke. I was too stunned and all I could do was walk away.

A few days after the funeral, my parents were leaving to go back to the States. The last thing my mom said to me as I'm sitting in LH's chair in my bathrobe still in shock was... "You. Need. To. Get. Your. Act. Together." then just grabbed her suitcase and left. To this day she has no idea how much that hurt me and still does. It felt more like desertion.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Carey on April 20, 2015, 07:34:26 AM
You're right. The intention behind them, and who they come from.  Because like in your example, You need to get your act together, coming from your mother, one of the people you would have hoped would support you the most, hurt way more than a stranger saying you need to get your act together. So even sometimes the actual thing that is said isn't what makes it cruel or insensitive but Who said it.  My mom has been widowed twice, the first time she was like 35 years old with two small children so she should SO get it. But she doesn't.  She's one of the meanest people in my life.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: JacklessSally on April 27, 2015, 07:33:28 AM
"Are those his shoes?"
"Yes", most of them"
"Are those his clothes in the closet?"
"Yeah, there are a few more on the other side as well"
"You really need to pack those up"


... Excuse me?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on April 27, 2015, 11:11:34 AM
I had a long term friend of both D and mine say to me shortly after D's death. "Wow... yeah, sucks to be you."

A friend's husband said: "I'll bet he was really scared right before the accident."
                                         "Are you going to sell his boat?"
                                          After taking it upon himself  to check out D's unorganized workbench and tools:
                                                " Wow, D always was a slob!!"                               

My brother's gems: "Stop making this all about you."
                                 "Throw his shit away.Get on with life!!"
                                 "Other people survive this; look at Katie Couric!"
                                   I don't know why this is so hard; at  least you have some money!"

At the funeral at acquaintance said: "Gee, I didn't realize his hair had gotten so grey! He was only 50!"
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Carey on April 27, 2015, 01:32:15 PM
kjs....wow. Katie Couric huh?  How incredible dense some people can be ... and coming from someone who is family and supposed to love you; just makes me shake my head.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Captains wife on April 27, 2015, 03:13:09 PM
Heard from another widow - but to be fair she meant it in a nice way. "My situation was bad but I cant even imagine what you are going though now, with a young child on your own".
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kmouse on April 27, 2015, 03:30:50 PM
Heard from another widow - but to be fair she meant it in a nice way. "My situation was bad but I cant even imagine what you are going though now, with a young child on your own".

Ugh. Ranks right there with what I've gotten from wids and nonwids: "Well, at least you didn't have kids." Yeah, that factor does make everything waaaay easier to deal with. (Strangely enough, six years hasn't been quite enough to resolve the missing him AND the kids we should have had together AND the decade of infertility we struggled with. Guess I'm not doing things correctly.)

I've not been able to really ferret out if it's meant kindly or as a minimizer. *shrug*

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: marjoe on April 27, 2015, 04:37:39 PM
The first few months, I got a lot of "OMG, I can't even imagine it." Ok, so it's fellow humans musing. Years later, I get that. But at the time, I thought to myself, shit, I don't have to imagine, I'm living it. And you're secure from this happening to you? What this comment made me feel was alienated from the rest of humanity.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Guaruj on April 28, 2015, 07:46:25 PM
I don't have the most outrageous comment to report.  What's most surprising is who said it to me.  It was the facilitator of my widow support group!

I started going there about 2-3 months after Catherine died, because I became openly enraged with people at work.  I wasn't asking anybody for advice on how to deal with losing my wife; I had already made up my mind about that:
I explained this to her and the group on the very first night I attended. She responded by asking the group

     Does anyone else find it helpful to wear a 'suit of armor' like Mark does?

I thought it was a stupid remark.  It wasn't the last one I heard from her.  She frequently tried to present the customs I adopted as some kind of weakness.  I stopped going there around February or March.  I now have something better to do on that night of the week.

Honestly, if somebody told you they attended your support group because of rage issues, why would say provocative things to them?

|+|  M a r k  |+|
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Justin on May 06, 2015, 03:56:22 PM
This past Sunday, DD and I went to home of my wife's parents for Sunday dinner (as we do most weeks). I was talking with my wife's dad about her and our memories, and he said "I hope you never do forget about her."

Now, these are good people that I love, and I was just caught off-guard by this comment. I know that he always wants his daughter to be remembered, but really, WTF?


Probably the most insensitive thing is what my mother has said to me: nothing. She last called me in January to invite me out to eat for my birthday. I already had plans, and couldn't go on the night she suggested. I last saw her on Thanksgiving, even though we live in the same town.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Amor on May 06, 2015, 08:02:57 PM
Guaruja,
I wore nice clothes for awhile out in public too.  It helped me not feel as bad and others would not look at me like I was as much of a miss as I truly was.  So it helped. 

The other day I was chatting with a new deaf friend.  When I told her my Love died she asked if I was really married and that my Love really died. I showed her pictures of me wedding to prove it.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: biscuit on May 07, 2015, 12:39:10 AM
The day of the wake, as I was sitting outside of the room with my husbands cold body in it. A distant relative said:
"Did you have any children?"
"No"
"Well, you never know, you might have a surprise bun in the oven"

I don't know why she thought in this time of shock it would be a great thing to learn that I am suddenly pregnant by my now deceased husband
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: nonesuch on May 07, 2015, 06:00:48 AM
I try like heck not to infer unkind meanings from ham-handed comments.  Most of the people around me mean well, and I suspect (this is what I choose to believe, I guess) are scared s---less at the prospect of losing a spouse.

For me:  an acquaintance invited me over for dinner. When I got there, instead of having dinner made, we went out to a chain restaurant. During dinner she spent an hour showing me her prospective dates from E Harmony on her iPhone.  It was four days after LH died.

 I wasn't even sad, just stunned at her insensitivity. Researcher Nonesuch was surfaced, and we continued with dinner, just waiting to see if she would EVER catch herself and say, "OHG! I'm sorry."  She never did.  As I said, she was an acquaintance, not a friend.

In truth, SHE was the one who helped formulate my philosophy about why many people are uneasy around widows.  I had worked with her for several years, and she was unhappily divorced.   When she spoke of having a partner, it was always about how someone would be watching out for her, be there for her, etc.  I doubt it has entered her consciousness yet that she would be a caretaker for someone instead o the other way around.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Baylee627 on May 07, 2015, 10:46:26 AM
This lil gem, courtesy of my "bestie". File this under, #shitpeoplesaytowidows.

"If I were you, I'd move to the beach--like maybe Hawaii-- and get a beach house and I'd spend my days working from my laptop, outside. That would be sooo nice. Wouldn't you love that?"

Apparently, being widowed equates with having been freed up to live the life you've only ever dreamed about, at the beach.

(Sneer).

Baylee
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: maddalena on May 08, 2015, 09:06:24 AM
this is pretty outrageous. I would have reported her!
I don't have the most outrageous comment to report.  What's most surprising is who said it to me.  It was the facilitator of my widow support group!

I started going there about 2-3 months after Catherine died, because I became openly enraged with people at work.  I wasn't asking anybody for advice on how to deal with losing my wife; I had already made up my mind about that:
  • The first place I went each day was to visit Catherine's grave (this is still true)
  • I stayed at home most of the time when I wasn't at work. I didn't want to talk to other people (no longer true).
  • When I did leave the house, I made sure I was well-dressed in slacks and a sport jacket (also no longer true).  People were more polite to me because of that.
I explained this to her and the group on the very first night I attended. She responded by asking the group

     Does anyone else find it helpful to wear a 'suit of armor' like Mark does?

I thought it was a stupid remark.  It wasn't the last one I heard from her.  She frequently tried to present the customs I adopted as some kind of weakness.  I stopped going there around February or March.  I now have something better to do on that night of the week.

Honestly, if somebody told you they attended your support group because of rage issues, why would say provocative things to them?

|+|  M a r k  |+|
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: DavidsKtBeth on October 08, 2015, 10:27:51 PM
Dave's ashes were divided up between me and his family and I had a number of people ask me which half of his body I recieved. This mostly came from guys in their 20s. They all made it clear they hope I got his dick.. fucking ass hats.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: patriciad on October 10, 2015, 02:37:55 PM
A few months after DH died my sister said"Well, if you look on the bright side-at least you are young enough to find another man.  You still look good-if this happened in ten years it might not be so easy to get someone"   

HUH????????????????????????????????????????????

Pat
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: twistedmensa on October 10, 2015, 10:40:24 PM
A few months after DH died my sister said"Well, if you look on the bright side-at least you are young enough to find another man.  You still look good-if this happened in ten years it might not be so easy to get someone"   

HUH????????????????????????????????????????????

Pat

I am soooo sick of hearing, "Oh, you're young enough to find another man." It isn't the lack of a man that makes me sad, it is the lack of a specific man.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: fern on October 12, 2015, 06:02:27 PM
texts from friends and family I haven't heard from or seen since the memorial service:

?hope you?re well!?

?hope you?re coping better!?

?hope you're looking after yourself?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Fran721 on October 12, 2015, 07:38:41 PM
The MINISTER at my boyfriend's funeral (less than a week after he passed) told me I would move on because I was young. I wanted to slap him.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: DavidsKtBeth on October 12, 2015, 11:14:03 PM
Today I learned that being a widow and in a long distance relationship are basically the same thing...
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Jess on October 13, 2015, 08:57:04 AM
Today I learned that being a widow and in a long distance relationship are basically the same thing...

As someone who is both, just wow. And f no.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Beyondlife on October 13, 2015, 09:08:00 AM
Mine was when a fellow young widow told me "to look in the mirror" when I lamented on the other board that I would probably never know the reasons behind my DH's suicide.

I have no words. 
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Beyondlife on October 13, 2015, 09:32:20 AM
I don't have the most outrageous comment to report.  What's most surprising is who said it to me.  It was the facilitator of my widow support group!

I started going there about 2-3 months after Catherine died, because I became openly enraged with people at work.  I wasn't asking anybody for advice on how to deal with losing my wife; I had already made up my mind about that:
  • The first place I went each day was to visit Catherine's grave (this is still true)
  • I stayed at home most of the time when I wasn't at work. I didn't want to talk to other people (no longer true).
  • When I did leave the house, I made sure I was well-dressed in slacks and a sport jacket (also no longer true).  People were more polite to me because of that.

I dressed nice everyday for about a year (I was afraid if I didn't, I wouldn't get dressed at all)  I made my bed every morning as soon as I got out of bed (afraid if I didn't, I'd never leave it.  I hate making the bed)  People suck
[/list]
I explained this to her and the group on the very first night I attended. She responded by asking the group

     Does anyone else find it helpful to wear a 'suit of armor' like Mark does?

I thought it was a stupid remark.  It wasn't the last one I heard from her.  She frequently tried to present the customs I adopted as some kind of weakness.  I stopped going there around February or March.  I now have something better to do on that night of the week.

Honestly, if somebody told you they attended your support group because of rage issues, why would say provocative things to them?

|+|  M a r k  |+|
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Beyondlife on October 13, 2015, 09:46:15 AM
2 people, yes 2, said "I wish it had been my husband instead of yours.  We don't even like each other"  The second time I did respond " I wish it had been yours too" 

Previously very close friend "You'll be married again in a few months"  Umm, I didn't marry Grant until I was 47.  First for both of us.  5 years later I still haven't dated.

Grant fell from a tree while hunting.  Man at work said to my co-workers "He probably jumped just to get away from her" 
BTW, this is a man who, when he was very ill, I took food up to ICU for his family 3-4 times, took snuggly blankets, etc.
When our boss scheduled a meeting with him, he quit.

Ask me again why I don't like people?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: MrsT85 on October 13, 2015, 10:07:59 AM
Dave's ashes were divided up between me and his family and I had a number of people ask me which half of his body I recieved. This mostly came from guys in their 20s. They all made it clear they hope I got his dick.. fucking ass hats.

Tim's mother and I split his ashes.  When I told my boss this, she jokingly said - "I hope you got the good half."

My gaze shot to the floor and tears welled up in my eyes. I said softly - "I don't really joke about that."

So yeah - even women in their late 50s - WHO REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY THEN - say stupid shit like that.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Virgo on October 13, 2015, 04:16:11 PM
"Think of it as a fresh start. "

Obviously made by someone that didn't know us very well.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: SailorGirl on October 13, 2015, 06:20:24 PM
From my new guy's mother to him:  "She just needs to get over it.  It's not like she's the only person in the world who has ever lost someone to cancer."  Needless to say, we will never be close.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Quixote on October 13, 2015, 07:44:42 PM
Oh God, the "you'll find someone else, don't worry" lines.  But at least they're trying to be nice.  I file that in with the people who want me to desperately to convert to their brand of religion so I can hook up with my late wife in the afterlife.  They mean well.  I guess.   

Having lost my wife to cancer, the ones I really hate are the questions about her lifestyle.  "What did she eat?"  "Did she smoke?" etc.  I just want to tell them she chain smoked asbestos cigarettes while eating fried meat byproducts, just to satisfy them.  Truth is, she took way better care of her health than most, possibly because she fought various ailments throughout her life.  But the idea of random luck killing an awesome person is too much for them to take.  At least that's my theory.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on October 13, 2015, 11:59:33 PM
All of these posts are gems. Here are a few of mine.

At the visitation:  The random guy who asked me, 'Wow, when did he get so gray??" 
                            The neighbor who said," I'm going to take you out and get you drunk tonight!"

A couple of days after the funeral: The friend of his who asked, " I'd like to have the first opportunity to buy his boat." 
                                                        Same guy said, "I'll bet he was really scared right before the accident."

One week after the funeral: The friend who came to visit and cheerfully asked me, " So, are you doing better?"

One year after the funeral: My dad was dying and as I became emotional over further loss, my brother told me in no uncertain terms,
                                            "This is about Dad now, not D!"
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: fern on October 14, 2015, 12:21:33 AM
Quixote, I hear you on the "did she smoke?" kind of questions. My DH had lung cancer. He never smoked, was vegetarian, thin, fit, etc, etc. People ask "how long did he smoke?"  in a knowing kind of way. "Never!" I always say, and this seems so shocking to people. I think it makes people frightened that something so random could happen to them too. And, as everyone here has learned, we know it could. 

I feel a need to protect our 5 year old, who asks what did Dadda do to get so sick?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: twistedmensa on October 14, 2015, 01:15:48 AM
A couple of days after the funeral: The friend of his who asked, " I'd like to have the first opportunity to buy his boat." 

I had a neighbor stop by when he heard DH had died and ask if he could buy our boat. The vultures sure come out if they feel they can strike a deal.

When I picked up his ashes from the funeral home I hefted the box and said, "Wow...it's heavier than I expected." The guy actually said, "Just like a bag of sugar." My daughter and I shared a shocked look and left before I had a chance to bitch slap him.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on October 14, 2015, 04:23:04 AM
Fern, I was going to reply the same thing. The stigma attached to lung cancer is insane. My DH died of lung cancer also. I remember for some people that's the 1st thing they asked. Like WTF......
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Wheelerswife on October 14, 2015, 08:11:05 AM
My brother-in-law for DH2 was more "subtle" about wanting his stuff, I guess.  Not soon after he arrived from out-of-town after DH2 died, maybe an hour, we were sitting and having a conversation.  Having been through this before, I was trying to very sensitively explain how challenging it is to lose a spouse, to see and touch and move their things...

So he says to me, "We should talk about his will!"  Me:  "He has a will, I'm the executor, and everything goes to me."  At least that shut him up.  I never did tell him that he wasn't even a secondary beneficiary of his brother's will.

I did eventually tell him to let me know what he was interest in having, and that whenever I got to the point of being able to go through his things, anything I didn't want, he could have first crack at.  So far, I haven't really gotten anywhere near the things he is interested in. 

Maureen
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: danidee on October 14, 2015, 08:18:21 AM
My fiance died after an 18 month run with lung cancer.  The last few months go hard and I worked from home 90% of the time, so people in my office were aware of what was going on.

At the visiting hours we held three days after he died, a woman I worked with came through the line.  She looked at me and said, "I think part of you was ready for this."  It's been 9 weeks since he died, and I cannot see this woman without my blood boiling.  I want to turn her around and point to his ashes surrounded by pictures and ask if she wanted to rethink that.

Also at the visiting hours, two young girls he had worked with came up to me giggling telling me they were here to see my ring.  He had proposed on July 3.  We were going to be married September 19.  He died August 11.  So not the time.

And one more from the visiting hours. A man he worked with was talking to his sister and I.  He asked how his relationship with his son was before he died. (Life with his son wasn't the best)  He asked about our wedding.  And he finished up with, "how was it at the end?  Pretty bad?" His sister and I were too stunned to even respond, but I wished we had said.. well, he died, so...

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Justin on October 15, 2015, 01:59:08 PM
I remembered this one today: After DW's graveside service, my uncle asked me what kind of car I was driving.

Really?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Trying on October 15, 2015, 06:53:02 PM
This one was luckily at close to 2 years so I was a little tougher. Meeting a new neighbor after we moved this summer, an absolutely gorgeous Brazillian woman, with an equally gorgeous husband and young daughter, dripping in expensive jewelry and designer clothes (there are lakefront houses in my neighborhood that are quite a bit more expensive than ones like mine off the water). We were doing the exchange of facts and when she asked about what my husband does for a living, I matter of factly stated that he passed away. She literally held her hand up in front of my face, told me to stop speaking of such things because she doesn't like to hear about anything sad.

Well, I haven't exactly invited her over for tea since then.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on October 15, 2015, 07:16:15 PM
She literally held her hand up in front of my face, told me to stop speaking of such things because she doesn't like to hear about anything sad.

Well, I haven't exactly invited her over for tea since then.

OMG, Trying, I think I would have spit on her hand.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Trying on October 15, 2015, 07:23:34 PM
kjs, even just 6 months earlier she probably would have been assaulted with an angry, crying, tirade from me! Now, I look at people who appear to have perfect lives and think, lord help her if tragedy strikes, spoiled bitch.   Lol
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: robunknown on October 15, 2015, 10:33:43 PM
Trying, my first reaction would have been what I did to get my son to stop putting his hand over my mouth to quite me down...lick it, lol
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: canadiangirl on October 17, 2015, 10:37:18 AM
Thanksgiving dinner (ours is earlier), my otherwise amazing mother:

"Great- we just fit around the table.  No room for one more.  If (name of early teen granddaughter) ever gets married, we are going to have trouble!"

Two things - first, we only fit because my DH is gone, and I don't think this is a positive development although it helps with seating.  This has come up before.  And, really, when he was alive, he was so thin and sick he didn't take up much space.  Second, mom clearly agrees with me on an unconscious level that my future is one where I am on my own.

She means well though.  Still - ouch.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: TooSoon on October 17, 2015, 03:21:25 PM
I still hold that my mother takes the cake.  She's had a lot of zingers but this remains my all-time-favorite.

A month after Scott died, I called her and said I just could not take my daughter to a birthday party and would she do it for me.

She then called my (now former) closest friend and said, "I do not understand what her problem is.  We are Anglo-Saxons and we pull ourselves together and move on." 

a) hello, just a small problem, you know, brain cancer and a dead husband and a child to raise... and b) um, not quite, as I am half Greek.....oh and c) WTF, does she think she is the Dowager Duchess??

Oh and then there was the day I got the diagnosis.  Me: hang up phone with neurosurgeon.  My mother:  What is the prognosis?  Me: 6 months.  My mother: Don't worry, you're young.  You will meet someone else. 

Timing is everything, Mom! 

ps - canadiangirl, wth?  with the Thanksgiving seating.  Oy.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on October 17, 2015, 09:41:47 PM
Why are people so fucking stupid?  Sorry, I'm just done with stupid be it Whoever. How do us wids put up with it at a our darkest times? Oy
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Mr C on October 18, 2015, 01:05:40 AM
Our family had a big group come out to walk this morning in memory of my wife at Seattle's Heart Walk. After the walk, a friend of my wife's extended family came up to me and asked, "Are you dating yet?" When I tried to say that I wasn't interested in dating, she proceeded to advise me that I should be because I am "still a young man." ::)

This is one of those questions that I knew would come eventually. But, the timing made no sense. Why is this the opening of a conversation? Why at a time we are honoring my wife?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: canadiangirl on October 18, 2015, 04:52:10 AM
I still hold that my mother takes the cake. 

Too right, TooSoon!  There would be (understatement) family rifts here if that kind of stuff were said.  Happily, this kind of thing is an anomaly.  Mostly they just avoid mention of DH (sadly) and help me muddle through. 

So sorry MrC.  Unsolicited "advice" is just so unwelcome, however well-meant. 
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: gracelet on April 17, 2016, 04:30:00 AM
My doctor: you're glowing. Are you in love again?
Me: yes, she's wonderful
Doctor: I told you your hormones would kick in

(She had previously told me so when I protested, the DAY AFTER my wife had died, that I never ever wanted to be with anyone else again)
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: donswife on April 17, 2016, 10:01:15 AM
what people say does amaze me
the worst one I got was at my nieces baby shower so not really someone I knew well
she came up to me and said
"Sorry about your husband but this was the best thing that could have happened to you because you look great "    wtf
so I just assume that people walk away saying to themselves ...why the hell did I just say that !
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: baywebbshelton on April 17, 2016, 03:54:24 PM
One month after my husband died (he died 03-21-15, married only 3 months) my grandmother told me "Suck it up and move on already. He's dead, you're young, get over it"
I have had SO many people tell me I'm lucky because we didn't have children, but to me that's a slap in the face. I would be lucky if I did have children. As if no children from your dead husband is a blessing.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: TooSoon on April 17, 2016, 04:09:12 PM
One month after my husband died (he died 03-21-15, married only 3 months) my grandmother told me "Suck it up and move on already. He's dead, you're young, get over it"

The day I got the prognosis of terminal brain cancer and an expectancy of 6-10 months (we got 18), my mother said, like as soon as I hung up the phone with the surgeon,  "Don't worry.  You're young.  You'll meet someone else." 

Turns out I did but at the time I was like WTF? 

It wasn't her only WTF moment either.  She also said, "We are Anglo-Saxons.  We move on."  Okeedokee.  Of course, its weird enough as it is but even weirder as I am 50% Greek....
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on April 17, 2016, 07:02:16 PM
I like this section. It never ceases to amaze what humans say in reaction to grief.  I have a minor in behavioral science so maybe that is why I find it so fascinating.

Sometimes I think back to this gem when a childhood friend found out about D's death:

"Wow, must suck to be you."

Yeah, ya think??

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: MrsT85 on April 19, 2016, 01:01:34 PM
Just got off the phone with DirecTV - typing out in the "Confessions" thread that I've been paying for it for three years without using it finally lit the fire under my butt to call and discontinue my service.

While explaining why I didn't know what happened to the dish in 2013 (I moved out of mine and Tim's apartment in a rush and under considerable duress), I mentioned the reason was because my husband had died and that I had to move without much notice.  While waiting for something to load up on his end (I was letting him try to retain my account if he was going to offer a considerable discount) he "made small talk" (and even introduced it as such!) by asking how my husband died.  I snapped "That is a terrible thing to try to make small talk about," explained that the reason it took me so long to cancel was because it is still very difficult for me to talk about, and then immediately asked if we could just proceed with the cancellation.

So after three years, it's finally done.  Time to sign up for HBO-on-demand and save myself $45.00 a month. 

It amazes me that someone who is trained to talk to people for a living would think that the death of a spouse is prime "small talk" fodder!   
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on April 19, 2016, 02:48:02 PM
Wow, Mrs. T85, this is really bad. Truly offensive to offer that question as "small talk."
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: marjoe on April 19, 2016, 06:07:49 PM
You know what got me? I got a lot of "so, are you moving back to NJ?" Like, what? I've been in NC for 20 years. The assumption was that I was in some kind of childlike state, unable to do for, or think for myself. That really pissed me off.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on April 19, 2016, 06:45:57 PM
marjoe,

I got that, too.

My husband's brother told many people (who asked me if it was true) that I would no doubt move to Colorado to live close to my sister.

A few people remarked that it was too bad my parents were so elderly, otherwise I could move back home. I have lived 300 miles away from my parents for 25 years.

It is perfectly okay to want to be with family after this loss and move closer, if that is what we choose. Absolutely. It is just the assumptive attitude that that is what we should do, as if we have no life otherwise.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Still Standing on April 20, 2016, 01:47:05 PM
Four years after loosing my dh my son passed away .At the viewing my sister says to me(IT MUST SUCK TO BE YOU)? At that moment I couldn't speak.Now almost four years later we don't talk to each other.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: sphoc on April 21, 2016, 09:41:27 AM
You know what got me? I got a lot of "so, are you moving back to NJ?" Like, what? I've been in NC for 20 years. The assumption was that I was in some kind of childlike state, unable to do for, or think for myself. That really pissed me off.

I got the same thing from my family about moving back to Maine. I left when I was 19. I'm not going back. Hug to you.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: arneal on April 29, 2016, 10:03:39 PM
You know what got me? I got a lot of "so, are you moving back to NJ?" Like, what? I've been in NC for 20 years. The assumption was that I was in some kind of childlike state, unable to do for, or think for myself. That really pissed me off.

I had to quote this for multiple reasons -- firstly because I'm originally a Jersey girl as well. I live in Southern California and am quite happy with the home I made with my husband and dogs. I've gotten the question 'So, you live alone? What are you going to do?' as if I can't function on my own. People ask me if I'm keeping both cars. Um, yep. They are both mine. My name is on both titles. I drive them alternately because I like them.

However, one of the most insensitive things was an acquaintance who said, 'Well, you know he's in a better place because he was suffering. You know you knew he was suffering. I knew he was suffering when I saw him.' Really?

Sigh.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Catnip on April 30, 2016, 09:26:39 AM
This is not what was said to me, but what was done.
A few months after my husband passed away, I received an invitation to my cousin's house party where she was selling something or other. The invitation came to my correct address, but it came to my maiden name. My maiden name? I got married when I was 25 years old. I was married 26 years. My 3 sons have this name. Ya think after going thru all the legal stuff after his death, with the house in my name and getting all 5 cars to my name that I was going to change it back after 26 years?
These cousins all attended my wedding and the funeral.
I was stunned.
I declined the invitation.
I am not changing my name.
~Catnip
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Tatianakm on April 30, 2016, 09:38:49 AM
Yesterday one of the colleagues asked me if I will be OK financially. First of all, none of your business, unless you are planning to contribute...but I smiled politely and said that with a careful planning I will be OK. Then she said that her as well, after her husband retired, she has to watch her spending carefully, no more trips to Macy's every weekend... You crazy bat, my husbund did not put me on a budget, he died! So not the same thing! But, again, I smiled politely and move on, cried most of the car ride home.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: arneal on April 30, 2016, 10:34:50 AM
Tatianakm: I am so sorry! But in a way, you have to feel sorry for your colleague ... it sounds like for her, retirement = death ... for some, they just don't get it. My stepdaughter's grandfather died last year and her grandmother was completely lost. She didn't work, never did bills, never took care of cars or the home maintenance. He was the one who handled all that. My stepdaughter, her mom, and her aunt are still surrounding grandmom to help her cope and learn, which is tough because she is in her 70s and has NEVER done these sorts of things. Each of us, men and women, understand the experience differently. Not to say what she said wasn't insensitive ('no shopping at Macy's every weekend?! Really?), but it made me think about where folks are coming from sometimes.

As an aside, after my husband died, my pastor's wife wanted to take me out to prepare for the celebration of life. We went to lunch and on the way out, I commented that she needed front tires on her car. She had no idea what I was talking about. I ended up explaining it as, 'See the tires on that car over there? See how deep the ridges are in the rubber? You don't have that. You need tires.' She commented that she needed to learn more about those sorts of things because both she and her husband were busy so she couldn't just wait for him to take care of it. Then she looked at me with this sort of sad/upset/'sorry I said that out loud' expression.

Hugs to you!
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on April 30, 2016, 04:49:00 PM
Quote
This is not what was said to me, but what was done.
A few months after my husband passed away, I received an invitation to my cousin's house party where she was selling something or other. The invitation came to my correct address, but it came to my maiden name. My maiden name? I got married when I was 25 years old. I was married 26 years. My 3 sons have this name. Ya think after going thru all the legal stuff after his death, with the house in my name and getting all 5 cars to my name that I was going to change it back after 26 years?
These cousins all attended my wedding and the funeral.
I was stunned.
I declined the invitation.
I am not changing my name.
~Catnip

Amazing.

My BIL actually told someone this in reference to me making business decisions in our family company that my husband previously made:  "Well, she is not even a (insert married name) so she should not be making decisions!"

What?? We were married for 23 years and I am not family??

I was so stunned by that comment that it took months before I could even confront him regarding it.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: jeff1973 on May 01, 2016, 10:07:14 AM


KJS,

Oh I have dealt with that one.

My wife and I have spent thousands of hours helping her Dad on his farm through the years.  7 months after losing her to cancer I find her Dad taken down by a stroke. 

I moved from my farm to his farm to care for him in his home.  For over 2 years I have cared for him by my self because he has no family alive anymore.  I have spent thousands of dollars to care for him,  plus place my grieving and life on hold to honor my promise to Pam.

My very own kids have attempted to get his trust changed because I have,  " Nothing Coming "  as " I'm not Blood ".    Grrrrrrrr.  Not according to my Wife and FIL.

No one but me has helped this 92 year old father of my wonderful Wife and WW 2 veteran.

That's OK,  Guess who's got ,  " Nothing Coming "  when I pass away?  ;)

 Yup, I understand that stuff,, Jeff1973
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: LTSLforever on May 01, 2016, 01:48:21 PM
Why are people so mean and insensitive?  Sometimes it maybe due to a lack of understanding of how painful our situations are but often it is due to nastiness.  I can't write about my situation (the comments were horrible) but it has burned such a deep hole in my heart. That hole was already so large; I didn't think it was possible for it to get any larger.  The worst is when family members make those comments.  My question is always WHY but I don't think I will ever get an answer.

Jeff - my heart goes out to you.  Taking care of your wife's dad after losing your wife speaks so loudly of your love for both of them. 
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: gracelet on May 03, 2016, 05:15:54 AM
It's been a while since I've had someone say something ridiculous. But then, there was a right asshat:

I was at my maid of honour's wedding this weekend. This is a snippet of reception dinner table conversation...

Girlfriend [playfully]: Grace knows all about wedding planning because she's done it before.

Man I'd just met: oh, you were married before? When did you get divorced?

Me: I didn't. I'm widowed.

Man: I'm so sorry. Did you kill him?

Me: I had a wife and, no, I didn't kill her - she killed herself.

Man: oh.

Girlfriend: well you're a fucking idiot.

At this point I summoned the waiter to refill my glass with Bollinger... Then I drank about five more.

Who the fuck asks if you've killed your husband? I should have said yes and then threatened to stab him with my posh fork.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: RobFTC on May 03, 2016, 09:23:09 AM
Girlfriend: well you're a fucking idiot.

She's right, and I like her more just for saying that!

Take care,
Rob T
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Quixote on May 03, 2016, 11:27:23 AM
Wow.   Yeah, that's pretty much at wine in the face levels of idiocy.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Ursula on December 08, 2016, 09:51:26 AM
So  I have just read this entire thread and it makes my hair stand up . It is unsafe to be 'getting out there', as all these hypersensitive people recommend...'get a life' and all that shit...
anyway. I should be keeping track of all the insensitivities, as they are really lessons to learn on how low humanity can sink, if we can call that humanity. Elephants care more for their dead and group grieve...
I have to rant too. My own big sister kicked me right in the guts at the beginning of the year when I broke down in front of her (I felt safe there you know) after having spent the day packing up my former life, photographs, his clothes, shoes, all his stuff, before moving out of the flat that was our home. She basically told me, I was playing the victim and I should stop feeling sorry for myself and I was upsetting people by being so negative. People asked her, why I was so negative....
It cut my breath. I just wanted to leave to never come back again. If it had not been for our son who was playing with his cousins whom he loves dearly (only local family he has), I would have done so.
I left the room. She came after me and kind of said she loved me but it would hurt her to see me thus. Oh well, that is the excuse then, for kicking me in the guts, when I was already on the floor.
so, it was all about her . I know now, that she is upset about something else. Something I never told her, because I know her temperatment and that she would blurt it out in a bad moment, hurting people, i.e. our son and I , and I wanted to avoid that. But alas, some untrustworthy bitch told her, what she should not have known and she used it well, to kick my guts. I did not know she could be so mean. And she did not realise what she did. I explained it to her in a long letter, but the only reply I got was: 'I had to get it out'. Obviously at all cost. I was and still am so hurt and our relationship is definitively not what it used to be (it used to be really good actually)  I know now, that I won't ever open up to her again. For fear of being hurt. Don't we hurt enough already? Do we really need to hurt more?
So, her perfect friends in their perfect worlds get upset if they ask me how I am and I say, not great. Well then don't ask me how I feel. Can't you read faces? Leave me alone. That is why I really rather stay at home and watch a movie of my choice that I can switch off, when it upsets me, than having to deal with this insensitive lot of people.
They cannot bear to hear of sadness and tragedy. But they watch it in movies, they read it in books, but if it is reality, they lash out, instead of supporting us. And in the family, old shit from childhood seems to come up. So we also have to be the psychoanalists of our insensitive family, friends , coworkers etc..???
We don't have enough to deal with?
Sorry, but I have to rant on.
My 'best of wtf' collection (collected in almost 3 years of widowhood):
My sister tops.
My mum: Oh wouldn't it have been wonderful if Alex could have been with us this summer  (1week family holiday ) what a show that would have been, him so exotic and with your beautiful child. Me: empty swallow, I was at a loss for words. no point talking, really, is there? Alex was a beautiful man and yes, that is the most important, that other people see us as an exotic family?????? I would have loved to spend a week on a beautiful italian island with him being there, alive , breathing, enjoying it and an alive father to our child, that would have been wonderful. wtf.
A friend: Oh well, now you save a lot of money that you had to spend on him (sic).
Another:  Maybe it is better this way, you may never have been able to separate from him (we had a rocky marriage).
Another: I don't really understand your grieving so much because I never really liked him. sic.
Another: I kind of know how you feel , since my dog died (sic!!)
In the 5 months after his death, two friends included me in group  'RIP' messages with photograph (!!!!) for their dead dogs !!!! ( I wanted to vomit, really, I am a vet, I like animals, but just don't copy me in..)
My MIL and SIL: If you would have looked after him better he would not have died. --- i don't like them anymore, they just killed it all right then and there.

so, in the end it is all about them. It is not that  they mean ill. Empathy is missing. That is why they say things like that. And they are shitting their pants even trying to think about how this may feel. It is unthinkable I agree but you don't have to hurt people:    Just    remain      silent.

I feel with everybody who has shared on this posting. I am sorry for the pain people have caused you all.
I can't believe widows and widowers say crappy stuff like this too.
I would love to comment on all of your postings and help with the punching... I admire all of you who so graciously react to these assaults. I wish I could be more composed.

I think empathy is a most precious gift.
take care all. hgus
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Forgottenwife on December 08, 2016, 10:59:24 AM
Most insensitive?

Relating the loss of my husband of 22 years to the loss of their dog... 

Suddenly calling me by my maiden name that I hadn't used for 22 years. That was so hurtful.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: MR on December 08, 2016, 03:19:40 PM
We were having 13 day rituals for my wife and the priest started telling my sister how people remarry now days and then later in the evening she was wanted to discuss it and i had to stop her. I don't understand why people can't understand importance of timing. It  hurts us but probably they don't realize and may be in past we would have made similar mistakes.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: tybec on December 08, 2016, 04:46:02 PM
My top ones - too many to share. 

Preface this with I am a LCSW, child and adolescent therapist, trauma treatment specialist and the only one specifically trained in trauma in my office and was working at a mental health center, with many LCSWs, psychologists, and doctoral interns. AND now I am dealing with my own trauma.

1.  Doctoral Intern tells me 3 weeks out this experience will make me a better clinician.  Yeah, put that on his gravestone.  YOUR death Made me BETTER at my job. THANKS.

2. ER is coming in.  Staff asks me if I can see it.  Child who lived but sister died in car accident.  My husband died in a car accident.  I said, "not yet."  My boss and psychologist, 29 yrs. of practice tells me, "You are going to have to do it someday!"  3 days after the one year anniversary and I had taken off, and he knew why.  THANKS for your compassion.

3.  Go to court house to get police report for accident with son in tow.  Going to find out the details of what happened.  The court aide tells me to wait, and then an officer appears and hands me a subpoena to court for a work case.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I am not working.  My CEO was supposed to take care of it but didn't get it done.  THANKS for the help, mental health center.

4.  Deposition on phone. I know the judge and he knew my husband from community groups. Starts deposition with giving me his condolences, 6 weeks out.  Yeah, good timing for that.

I am a better clinician from all the bad experiences I had with mental health professionals and hearing from board members here about undesirable experiences.   Still makes me SMH.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Frederick on December 08, 2016, 05:01:33 PM
One acquaintance, when I'd bring up the topic of DH would tell me "at least I had someone," like I was supposed to feel guilty because he wasn't in a relationship.

And from multiple people, something along the lines of "you have your memories." Yes, I do. I loved our relationship. But it's like telling someone who can never breathe again "at least you can remember being able to breathe."
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: TooSoon on December 08, 2016, 05:59:10 PM
I always loved unhappily-marrieds who would say to me, "I want what you and Scott had.  How do we get that?"  Um, maybe appreciate what you have?  Not helpful.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on December 08, 2016, 08:05:34 PM
Tybec, what you said about some mental health  professionals... oh, yes.

My 19 year old daughter has suffered from depression since she was 14. She had just been referred  to a psychiatrist for meds a couple of months before D died.  After he died, I called the clinic to let them know we were in a crisis situation  and asked if my daughter' s appointment could be moved up, that she really needed to be seen. I explained her meds were running out, we had cancelled  an appointment  because of the funeral, and they would not refill her meds until seen. No one would call me back. I called again. I explained AGAIN. Finally someone from the office called me and said since we cancelled they could not refill the meds and had no openings for a month. I said, "HER DAD DIED! Please tell the doctor that!"  We were finally set up with an appointment,  and when we sat down with the doctor she was stunned (apparently) to find out about our loss. No one in the clinic had bothered (apparently) to tell her even after our repeated calls. Then,  the doctor herself some months later in a session  told my daughter it was taking her longer than most to "get over" her dad's  death. WTF?  We continued to go to her because of the huge shortage of adolescent psychiatrists in our area. I felt like we had no choice. Thankfully, we had a good psychologist she was also seeing at the time.

My daughter is at a state university now with an excellent student health clinic that prescribes her meds and follows up. They even call her randomly now and then to see how she is doing. It always surprises her a bit...and she is like, "Wow, you know,  I am doing really well! Thank you for the call! "

How hard is that??

So glad to be done with that other situation.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: InOverMyHead on December 12, 2016, 09:45:16 AM
During a work meeting a co-worker brought up that we all have stuff going on at home and we need to leave that at home and not bring it into the work place.. oh. okay. I'll get right on that.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Laura1612 on December 12, 2016, 08:23:51 PM
Just read this entire thread. Glad I'm not alone.

The night he died, his sister came over crying and said "I'm sorry, but you only have one brother, you know?"
Um, I've only had one husband? I don't get this.

And, I got "You are free to do whatever you want now!" from a very longtime friend. I wish I had the heart to say "I don't know what kind of marriage you had, but I did whatever I wanted anyway. I wasn't in prison. I was in a relationship."

Sigh. I'm learning to forgive most people. Those two stick with me.

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: jeudi on December 15, 2016, 05:16:27 PM
I have a friend who is a little bit on the self-absorbed side of life. She told me,

"I can't believe I have a friend that this has happened to."

The worst I've ever heard though came to my brother who lost his son to cancer (son was in his early 30s) from my other brother, said brother's twin.

"Well, you should be OK because you still have me. I know you loved him but not like you love me." Granted, one twin lives in North Carolina and the other (the dick) lives in Arizona and they see each other maybe once every three years and haven't been close since they each got married (they are in their late sixties) and my non-dick brother was close to the son who died...

This dick brother of mine also told me when my husband died "at least you are a (maiden name) again." I am now remarried and didn't take my new husband's last name. He REALLY can't wrap his pea brain around that!

Judy
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: beth_krkswidow on December 15, 2016, 07:08:17 PM
Umm, yes. Agreed . UN. be.lievable

Oh, that was in response to @MrsDan way back on page 1
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: RyanAmysMom on December 29, 2016, 12:22:02 AM
Less than 2 months after my DH passed, my son's high school teacher sent me an e-mail - He was in a new school, a new district - and his loss was so fresh....  The teacher said, "Ryan is in an honors program.  He needs to act like it.  He needs to get over it and move on and focus." 

I was furious, shot a copy of the e-mail to the principal (who did absolutely nothing) and then found out that the teacher had said the same words to my son's face.....  "get over it, move on...focus" 

Are you kidding me? 

So... he's now enrolled elsewhere..... 
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: ladybug on December 29, 2016, 04:32:23 AM
At the grief support group I was in, the LEADER said to me that I was young and that I would get another husband.

This was less than a month into my grief.   I was shocked beyond words....I said nothing back to her.

I don't understand why some folks say such things to a widow or children.....so very hurtful are their words to all of us in grief.

So sorry that many of us here had to heard all these kinds of words in our time of raw grief.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: wecouldbeheros on December 29, 2016, 04:24:23 PM
I put myself in another person's perspective whenever I hear the things. And give every effort to understand the awkwardness. Simply some people don't know what to say, and even though it could be the totally wrong thing, sometimes at least people try to communicate. A for effort ?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: born to run on December 29, 2016, 08:05:42 PM
I have to remember that not everyone has the same kind of relationship that I had where we were each other's favorite person and loved out loud, knowing fully well how lucky we were every day. 

The woman on my staff who is upset that I can't listen to HER problems, who wrinkled up her nose and said 2 months in... "You're just always so angry" (NO SHIT) and when I said I was trying, she said further... "It's just not any better."... she doesn't get it.  And I can't make her get it. Nor should I waste time trying.  Her husband is a jerk to her.  And I don't feel bad for her; she chose him.  But she doesn't have what I had.  It helps me to stop and try to recognize that in a hurtful comment... their intentions may be good (or not), but they just don't have the same relevant experience with love. 

I keep coming back to our varying capacities, everyone has their own stuff going on, and I have to believe that everyone is simply doing the best that they can, with whatever coping mechanism they can use, no matter how messed up. 

Doesn't make me NOT want to punch people... but it stops me ;)
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: trying2breathe on December 30, 2016, 12:18:21 PM
I've had very few comments that I consider insensitive, as wecouldbeheros suggests usually give people an A for effort for communicating.   One comment does stand out though.  Two months after DH died, I attended a family dinner with the in-laws, wore my wedding ring as I had not yet taken it off.  Sister-in-law asked why I was still wearing it, as I was no longer married.  Well duh ...... I told her that I'd take it off when I felt ready, that I still felt married.  She began reasons why I needed to move on.  Ugh, just ugh.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: mbanyard on December 31, 2016, 08:46:22 PM
I read all of this thread and am appalled at why people say these things to us. (yes, most everything you've said has also been said to me at this point)

Here are a few that have stood out for me:

- A about 5 hours after my DH passed, my BIL told me I should sell my house;
- Same BIL told me a week after the funeral that I needed to get on with my life, in particular that I needed to find a new partner so I wasn't alone (A WEEK!);
- One of my best friend told me I was "lucky" that I no longer had a mortgage payment (since we have mortgage insurance) - I can tell you all...I certainly don't feel LUCKY and would rather be in a box in the street with my DH then in a mortgage free  home alone.

So yeah, people suck and I've come to expect the worst things to come out of their mouths.

I have not yet been disappointed :(

MB
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Mcdc10 on January 02, 2017, 01:09:17 AM
Okay here goes,

-At my husband's death bed, someone says, "On a brighter note, I have sweet corn from my garden" I laughed inside because I knew my husband would be laughing too

- Someone said, "I know what you are feeling, I got divorce, it's just like death"

-My DH 30 year old nephew asked my then 13 year old son, "Do you have to sell your house?" Which made my son worry about loosing not only his father but his home.  I had to reassure him that we will be alright and there will be no major changes.

Sometimes I don't think people know what to say, so they say whatever pops up in their head.

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: geminigirl on January 07, 2017, 11:16:59 AM
“You're young, you'll find someone else" So many people have said this to me.

“You're so lucky you get money every month for doing nothing" This came from my mother who is obsessed with how much money I'm getting from my husband's death. I would rather have my husband alive than his Social Security death benefits.

“I would love to have all that time alone"  This came from a well meaning friend that apparently hates her life.

“At least now you don't have to cook dinner every night" Same friend.

“Now you can do whatever you want" This was followed by how I could start a new career, move, date hot men and have a new fun filled life. Different clueless friend.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: beth_krkswidow on January 19, 2017, 08:55:51 AM
On my Shit List:

1. ADT rep...may need to eat my fist for breakfast
2. Storage Unit Jackass...swift kick to his bird eggs delivered by my square toed boots.
3. Anyone else??

I couldn't believe their temerity to say such things to you. Grrrr....

Baylee

I can't believe you had the restraint to use the word temerity!  ;)
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: beth_krkswidow on January 19, 2017, 09:21:41 AM
2 people, yes 2, said "I wish it had been my husband instead of yours.  We don't even like each other"  The second time I did respond " I wish it had been yours too" 

Previously very close friend "You'll be married again in a few months"  Umm, I didn't marry Grant until I was 47.  First for both of us.  5 years later I still haven't dated.

Grant fell from a tree while hunting.  Man at work said to my co-workers "He probably jumped just to get away from her" 
BTW, this is a man who, when he was very ill, I took food up to ICU for his family 3-4 times, took snuggly blankets, etc.
When our boss scheduled a meeting with him, he quit.

Ask me again why I don't like people?

I'm speechless.  And I  agree - I hate people. I used to be such a nice person...
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: beth_krkswidow on January 19, 2017, 09:40:50 AM
what people say does amaze me
the worst one I got was at my nieces baby shower so not really someone I knew well
she came up to me and said
"Sorry about your husband but this was the best thing that could have happened to you because you look great "    wtf
so I just assume that people walk away saying to themselves ...why the hell did I just say that !

Unfortunately,  I  disagree.  I think they walk away, patting themselves on the back, thinking, "what a nice thing I just said!'
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Milojka on February 02, 2017, 10:41:09 AM
I have been widowed for 2 years, but you do not forget those things do you?

In the first week after his death my sister - she knew how close my dh and I always had been - said three times that going through a divorce is so much worse than a bereavement. She got divorced herself 5 years ago. She tried to explain why, but I saw no point in doing a thing irrelevant as comparing two different things. In the first week, the worst week of my life! Three times!

A month after his death, I went for Christmas to my parents, although I didn't feel like it. I just did it for them. When everyone had arrived - my siblings and their children -  my mother stepped into the circle of chairs and said, smiling: " I am so glad everyone could make it and be here except for [one of her grandchildren] who is traveling..."
I started crying and couldn't stop for the rest of the day and regretted having come. My parents never mention my dh although they loved him a lot. I have tried to talk to them, explaining that I love talking about him, that it is painful if they keep avoiding his name. I later heard that they have asked my brother if he could give me emotional support, as they couldnt.
I know they mean well, they just don't know how to deal with this. They stem from a generation where emotions and problems were " swept under the carpet".






Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on February 02, 2017, 11:45:55 AM
Milojka,

It is amazing how family, of all people, can spew forth some of the most insensitive comments. I have experienced that, too.

My brother actually made the comment that he didn't understand why I wasn't coping better. After all, I wasn't by any means left destitute he said. Also, others experience this loss all the time and just pick up the pieces and go on. He then went on to name several people, including Katie Couric. 

My BIL (husband's brother) actually told someone who passed it on to me, that I am not a (insert married name) so the family business which my husband, with my support, worked so hard to grow five times over after BIL sold his shares to him, should be back in his control.

Yep, gotta love family.



Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Nicky11 on February 03, 2017, 07:45:09 AM
Oh my! I never would have thought that comments like these were so common... I kind of thought my people were a special kind of insensitive. Here are a few of mine...

Between Brian passing and his funeral, I was staying at my mom's because we had his service in our hometown. My mom informs me that my aunt is taking her out for lunch for her birthday... I'm like "Oh my gosh! I completely forgot. I'm so sor... wait... your birthday isn't until the middle of next month! What are you like ten years old???"

She has also told me how fortunate I am a few times. Fortunate... what, because I didn't have to move to a cardboard box? Because I gladly would if I could have my Brian back.

My answer to the divorce comparison... "You're right. Divorce is worse. Brian didn't WANT to leave me."

I tend to give a pass to those who mean well but just don't know what to say. I've been there! Even since Brian's passing... I don't know what to say to other newer widows. Isn't that weird? It all most feels even more difficult because asking "How are you?" the answer pops in my head like "How do you think they are!"
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Wheelerswife on February 03, 2017, 07:57:10 AM
Hi, Nicky,

I'm sorry you had to join our club.  I understand that many people don't know what to say, as they have never been in our shoes.  As for this:

I tend to give a pass to those who mean well but just don't know what to say. I've been there! Even since Brian's passing... I don't know what to say to other newer widows. Isn't that weird? It all most feels even more difficult because asking "How are you?" the answer pops in my head like "How do you think they are!"

Your question is likely to be appreciated by other young widows because it is sincere and likely a place where they can truly answer the question honestly.  If you identify yourself as a young widow yourself, you are likely to find yourself in a situation similar to this website...amongst people who understand and can be sensitively supportive. 

"I know this is really hard.  How are you?  I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to."

This goes a long way...

Hugs,

Maureen
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: oneoftwo on February 16, 2017, 08:14:52 PM
We lost my love when we went off the road in snow, we all were there:
-my sister-in-law asked how much money I got for the truck
- my employer (kindly) set up an account for our 3 children, not so sensitive co-worker said gleefully "Oh, but that money must help!"
- my really wonderful mother in law, when I broke down once years later and told her in tears "I just miss him s much"- she replied "We all miss him"- I know that is true, but I also miss him in the quiet way a spouse only knows, late at night/early in the morning. And in the way a co-conspirator knows "Look- we made these kids!"
- poor young cashier who looked at me one day and asked "Is something wrong?" And all I could manage was "Yes"
- my sister asked me pretty early on "What is XX doing?" XX being my high school boyfriend, who I would not once think of trying to contact, given how he treated me. So weird she asked about him
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: KrypticKat on March 11, 2017, 11:47:24 AM
I've got a contender for just being THE WORST to a widow.

My boss called me in about 3 days before Christmas to talk about my continued transition back to full time work. It wasn't great timing to begin with but about half way through the conversation she told me she'd read an article recently on why it's hard to be a young widow around the holidays.

She then began to 'educate' me on what she found so interesting about the article (um, yeah, pretty sure I have the expert opinion on why it sucks to be a young widow at Christmas here!). Then she cuts in: "And you know one of the hardest parts is the sexual stuff."

Ummm...What?

"You know, because you are so young."

Oh my god my boss is trying to talk to me about my non existent sex life three days before my first Christmas alone. Shoot me....please shoot me.

I was so stunned and didn't want to break down in the room that I tried to change the subject. I tried to say something to the affect of I hope one day I can look forward to the holidays again as I did in years past to which she replied:

"Yeah, but back then you had hope".

There are no words for this. Needless to say I'm looking for a new job.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Jennica on March 12, 2017, 09:02:50 PM
About a month after my husband passed my daughter asked if I was going to remarry now. It blew my mind that she asked and it was so upsetting that this is what she was now worried about. I was telling a fellow co-worker this story and she responded... and laughing at the same time, well not yet anyway. I was so stunned. Some people just don't get it or something.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Monique on March 17, 2017, 10:22:31 PM
"You look good!"/ "You've lost weight!" --well, yeah, that tends to happen when you don't eat for a week.

"You'll find someone else"

"You only knew him for 2 years, eventually it'll seem like a small part of your life."

The one that made me the most mad, though, was when his BIL volunteered to pick out clothes for the viewing, and then complained about the cost when "They're just going to be burned anyway."

Oh, and my family suggested I should get together with his younger brother, as if it would be exactly the same as having him back.

And they keep coming...

"Lots of people move on after being widowed; you will too."

"Maybe getting married was just too much pressure for him."

"It's probably for the best. You probably wouldn't have had a happy marriage anyway." Um, our relationship was amazing. I've never known a love like we had. Don't EVER tell me that losing him was for the best.

"You should be mad at him. What he did was really selfish." No. Just no.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: bromans on April 11, 2017, 09:12:43 AM
At the cemetery,  3 days after he unexpectedly died, buying the plots...  "You sure you want two? You are young and pretty, you'll probably marry again."


This, though I wasn't called pretty because I'm a man, was said to me a couple of times. Once by the funeral director, once by the headstone guy when I told him I wanted a double headstone.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: bromans on April 11, 2017, 10:00:43 AM
Also, has anyone else whose spouse was in a car accident  gotten a snoody "probably texting" or "I thought she was a GOOD driver" as if to say these things only happen to people who drive like idiots. I got both of these from distant relatives who I will (now) probably never speak to again.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on April 11, 2017, 10:19:07 AM
 Hi bromans,

It seems to me when your spouse dies in a horrific accident some people want to rationalize it, because of course it could never happen to one of THEIR loved ones.

My husband died in a boat accident on a dark foggy morning when the boat driver was speeding to get to their duck blind before it was claimed by someone else, and he hit a channel marker in the river. My husband was thrown from the  boat and drown in three feet of water. The question I repeatedly got was, "Couldn't he swim??"

My husband was a scuba diver. Yes, he could swim, except that it is hard to swim when you are unconscious, which often happens when you are thrown with great force from a speeding boat perhaps hitting your head in the process.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: KrypticKat on April 11, 2017, 11:12:16 AM
@bromans

I had every possible explanation given. Texting, maybe he had a seizure, he was too stressed from work...God has a plan...God needed him early...grrr.

We all make split second decisions when driving. We all make educated assumptions about drivers around us. It just happens that most of us don't get in accidents. But they happen even with good drivers. I think sometimes people forget we drive tonnes of glass and metal at break neck speeds and news flash there is risk with that.

People just wanna wrap your tragedy in a nice neat little package because then they don't have to face the reality that the world is random and even good people lose sometimes.

This tragedy does not define you or the wonderful person you significant other was. Screw other people's theories.

Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: 2ManyQuestions on April 11, 2017, 11:12:58 AM
I have heard these comments many times.

This is the second time, what are you doing to these girls?
Can you add more names to your headstone?
You had no much luck with girls.
(Widowed twice) Does this mean the same girl died twice.
This is the second time.
You must be able to retire now.
You can write a book on what to do

There are likely others, but those are the top ones that come to mind

-D
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Bunny on June 01, 2017, 06:25:06 PM
Was at a party recently, didn't know many people. Start making polite chit chat with a woman that somehow turns into more personal stuff and her proclaiming divorce is just a traumatic as widowhood. I try to go with it by asking sympathetically about (what I assumed to be) her very shitty divorce. Turns out, they still talk all the time! I was speechless so the pronouncement ended up just sitting there between us. Probably best.


The texting assumption for a fatal car accident reminds me of the 'did he smoke?' question I got when telling people how my husband died. It's just such a stupid, insensitive, shitty thing to ask- whether they smoked/texted or they didn't. These questions imply the dead person is at fault for being dead.  These questions/pronouncements are ALL about the person being terrified of death and needing to justify that this could never ever happen to them or someone they love. Well, guess what people?! Spoiler Alert: you're gonna fuckin' die someday.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Adley on June 01, 2017, 06:52:03 PM
Exactly Bunny. It's all about their fear.  And I guess it's not even their fault.  Still sucks for us though.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: KrypticKat on June 08, 2017, 06:56:12 PM
I was talking to my mother about getting life insurance to cover my new mortgage for the house I just bought on my own. She asked 'who are you buying it for'.

Cause I'm gonna die alone now so fuck protecting my investments right?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Sweetpea83 on June 08, 2017, 11:02:04 PM
I have had one of his friends say he had a dream about me hooking up with my hubby's brother.  Did I think that would ever happen?  Hell no.  Not a chance.  Haha
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: KrypticKat on August 02, 2017, 09:27:47 PM
Standing in line at Starbucks in a griefy mood on my phone waiting to give my order. I must have been frowning because the guy behind me taps me on the shoulder and asks: "Hey sweetheart, who died?"

I look up stunned but manage to reply "my husband" then immediately go back to my phone. He left me alone after that.

Ask a shitty question get a shitty answer am I right?
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: Christopher on August 19, 2017, 04:32:57 PM
I got to page 5 and couldn't take it anymore.

Yikes! Wow! I'd like to gather up all those nasty people and put them on an island together with SAM sites all around ready to shoot down any outbound air traffic and depth charge mines ready to take out anyone trying to leave. They can enjoy the island together. I bet it would have to be pretty big. I'd give them a bunch of seeds of all varieties and some manuals on how to farm so they could eat well and be healthy while they were being cruel heartless wretches.

Things I have been told:

"You should move on. I know a couple college girls interested in a threesome who need an extra man around..." - Former co-worker
"I think the best medicine for your emotions right now is to go back to work." - office lady at the apartment complex
"Why would you complain that this is the last load of her clothing that you will wash and fold? That's just insane!" - Former neighbor at the old apartments
"The only important person in your life is your son. You can go to hell for all I care." - dad's second wife (both divorced)
"I don't understand what your problem is. Why do you even still care about that woman? She's dead!" - grandma on my dad's side
"I know a couple girls that could give you some head and you'll feel fine in a minute. You'll forget that old broad just as quick as you can spit!" - uncle
"Why do you even need a wife anyway? Just hang at my place, get high and we'll get you laid." - former coworker's drug dealer
"Grief is quick and painless. You're just being a big wuss about it." - drug addict at a grocery store

I kind of ... stopped talking to people about it. Then when I felt ok to talk about it again because I had largely conquered the pain, I got these gems:

"She's hideous. I can't believe you'd even want that." - gal I nearly dated
"So what did you need her for? You can find all that at the dollar store. Just pick up a chick there and you'll be fine." - some idiot (I forget where I was)
"I think you belong on 'people of wal-mart'" - ex's daughter (during that first 2 years when I couldn't even any of it and didn't brain at all because of the dumb caused by grief)
"Yeah my dad was widowed. He dealt with it by killing himself. Best choice he ever made." - jackass at the gas station
"Maybe if you play the lottery you'll win that too." - woman at a grocery store
"I can't possibly fathom why such an intelligent person would be so obsessed with prattling on about some relationship he had with a woman who was kind to his genitals." - a college professor I talked to only once
"I care more about dogs than people and right now you're on my nerves." - a woman at petsmart whom overheard my conversation with a friend about being widowed
"I go for married men, not for widows." - a woman I hit on. She was scowling as she said this.
"I think the best thing you can do is take out some life insurance and make it look like an accident. Since you have a kid too you can get a double whammy. It just has to look like an accident. Your life is already over, you just haven't joined your wife yet." - car sales manager advising me on getting my family's debt settled instead of working to pay it off
"Your grandma stole your car, you lost your job because you couldn't remember anything, the apartment management wanted you to die too so they could rent to someone else, your kid would have died without you there... why does any of this matter? Why should anyone care? You're just another hopeless bum living on the lam with your SSI and your sob story."

It's really sad that being widowed is a "don't ask, don't tell" matter for most folks. Lovely people, no? Kind of makes me want to bathe the world in nuclear fire. That would be nice. I'm not angry or anything, I just want them to end like that time when you can't wait until that movie your parents are watching is over so you can play video games on the TV. The deep burning rage has finally turned to cinders and ash, though there are still a few embers of raw fury left in the pile.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: HCE on August 19, 2017, 11:44:49 PM
Lovely people, no?

Good grief! There are some classy, classy people out there.

I'm so sorry you had to listen to all that, Christopher.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: klim on September 26, 2017, 08:29:43 AM
I just had a colleague lose her elderly father. Now I know people grieve the loss of their parent pretty hard sometimes and admittedly I'm not very emapthetic about this. I have lost both my parents and yes there was an initial sadness but not elongated grief. It's the circle of life.

Having said this I am sensitive enough to know that is my opinion and everybody handles things differently.

What I had trouble with was when I went and offered my condolences upon her return to work, she told me how it was difficult(ok) and how I could relate(ok) and how her teenage daughter ended up breaking down at the end of the funeral......and somehow she said it was just like my sons.....

NO !!! My sons lost their DAD when he was in the prime of life....not their grandfather at the end of his ......NOT THE SAME!

I
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: kjs1989 on September 26, 2017, 09:07:32 AM
Klim,

I hear you. I always thought it would be so completely devastating to lose my parents, and there was a time I almost obsessed over the thought. But then I lost D in the prime of life with three teenagers at home five years ago. Two years later my dad was gone. Then last December my mom died. I was sad, but also quite stoic about it, and although my kids were heartbroken, they, too, realized it was indeed the circle of life and moved forward through the grief quickly. The loss of their dad, well, no, that is something with us every day. Every single day.

I guess all we can do is just vent like this, because their loss is personal to them and  relative to their life experiences, of course.  But, no, not the same.

I  have also experienced something similar when a divorced friend offered condolences to my loss and said she could emphathize with my kids' grief as her children were "going through the same thing."  Ummm, no they weren't. I saw their dad shouting encouragement at the son's baseball game the next weekend and  presenting his daughter with flowers and hugs after her dance recital a few weeks later.

But that is a whole other thread. 😉


Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: MR on September 26, 2017, 10:30:30 AM
I had similar experience few times. Last night friend not in touch for a while called to give his condolence and said he can understand as he also went in depression 2 years back when his dad passed away. I was like no dude it is not same but didn't wanted to say it to his face.
One time one divorced women told me you are better off as you have good memories about her unlike them who have bad memories about their marriage and spouse.
Title: Re: Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said
Post by: meemzi on October 02, 2017, 11:08:57 AM
My partner's family and I went shopping for funeral homes. At the first one, we were talking through all our questions: cremation or burial? Open casket or closed? Can we hide the marks? The funeral director asked, "So he hung himself, then? Well here's what we can do, blah blah."

And then as we were leaving, the funeral director said, "Thank you for coming in. Hang in there, everyone."

Now it's become somewhat of a joke between us:
"How are you holding up?"
"Oh, you know. I'm hanging in there."