Young Widow Forum

Socializing => Social Encounters => Topic started by: Tweety76 on March 10, 2015, 04:27:48 AM

Title: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Tweety76 on March 10, 2015, 04:27:48 AM
Migrating this one over to the new board. The confessions thread was started in YWBB in 2005 by Penta with these words:

"One of the awesome things about the YWBB is that we know we can say things here that we can't say elsewhere... things we MIGHT tell our best friend, but would never say to our family. ... Anybody else need to unburden their souls, share their darkest secrets?"

Here are mine for today:
- I cannot be bothered to wash dishes so I keep using the same set of a plate, a mug, fork, knife and spoon until they are so disgusting I have to
- My diet is so crappy I'm actually starting to get worried. If I have a day off or work from home, I live on an apple (yes 1) and Protein shake combo and wonder why I feel so horrible in the evening. Plus I forget to drink water
- I have feelings for a colleague but I keep those to myself for he is married (get out of my head now please!). Good conversations though :)
- I have a walking date tonight but expect just about nothing of it. Good online conversations though again

Who's next?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mangomom on March 10, 2015, 06:28:21 AM
This thread was a life saver for me.  It was oddly comforting to know that the "confessions" of others were actually things I had been doing and was afraid to let anyone know.  I honestly can't even remember what my confessions were, but I know I laughed and cried right along with all of them.  Thank you for resurrecting it.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: JacklessSally on March 10, 2015, 07:10:50 AM
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on March 10, 2015, 07:13:44 AM
13 months out, and I just threw away his deodorant. I kept it for the comfort of his scent, but it dried out and no longer smelled like him.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: littlebirdie on March 10, 2015, 08:24:40 AM
I see happy couples and wonder which one of them will die first.

I copied the above from the other thread because I still do this sometimes...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mangomom on March 10, 2015, 08:26:31 AM
Here's an old one of mine...  my kid took my glass of "water" to take his meds...  It was straight vodka.  At least is was his evening meds and not morning.  Talk about a red flag.  This is partly why I no longer drink.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Tweety76 on March 10, 2015, 11:02:55 AM
I see happy couples and wonder which one of them will die first.

I copied the above from the other thread because I still do this sometimes...

This! I remember doing that too :) Haven't for awhile and I just noticed when you posted :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: LostMyCharles on March 10, 2015, 11:22:40 AM

Jessica
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: JacklessSally on March 10, 2015, 11:48:21 AM
  • I sleep with the shirt he was wearing the day he died. I've sweat and cried all over it so it smells nothing like him anymore. I smear his deodorant on it once in a while to "freshen" it up.

Jessica

Jessica,
I did this too, B had class the day he died and I had his under shirt on his pillow up until a few weeks ago, it was starting to turn colors. I smeared deodorant on it every night so I could "cuddle with him" The clothes he died in were burned by my father out law, he was trying to protect my love's mother and I from having to see them. In hind sight I wish he hadn't done that.. I'd give anything to have the shirt he passed in...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: anniegirl on March 10, 2015, 05:24:18 PM
Been so long. I forgot that Pentha started this one. Thanks for the reminder.

My favorite (because I could relate to it) was about clothes:

If it's on the floor, it's dirty. In the basket, it's clean.

And all these years later, this is probably still true. At least about clothes in a basket. My family has had to adjust to the new normal of wrinkled clothing.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lcoxwell on March 10, 2015, 07:21:46 PM
I reached the one year anniversary today, and I went into work.  My teaching assistant was MIA today (of all days), and I was not only grieving, but sick.  I tried to be a good teacher today, really I did, but by the end of the day, I was just done.  When my students came in for the final period of the day, I told them honestly I was having a bad day and that all I wanted was for them to just give me quiet and to stay in their seats.  After spending about ten minutes reading aloud to them, I told them that they could pull out the Chromebooks and play cool math games for the remainder of the period.  I didn't even bother to try to teach. I did, however, give extra credit for making good choices to those who opted to work on homework or missing assignments instead.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: anniegirl on March 10, 2015, 07:32:22 PM
lcoxwell,

I can't even count the number of days my students didn't get me at my best.

You did better than I did on the first anniversary. I called in sick. I was but in better times it wouldn't have kept me home.

You did good!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: kmouse on March 10, 2015, 08:04:42 PM
I tried to be a good teacher today

You were, I promise. I was an elementary school principal when I lost my husband and some days it was just about all I could do to walk in the door, especially on the hard days (which they pretty much all were for a really, really long time.) You just do the best you can, do a periodic head count to make sure you still have them all :) , and get through the day. Some time with the math games is a great reinforcer and it gave you a breather! Well done for making it through the day! Don't forget a mental health day here and there...gotta take care of yourself.

K
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jess on March 10, 2015, 09:59:04 PM
Last night's dinner was a piece of cheese and microwave peas as that was all the food I had in the house- unless you can call rolls in the pantry so moldy they were turning a bit black food.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Wheelerswife on March 10, 2015, 10:22:14 PM
Ummm...Jezzy?  When have you had time to grocery shop?

Maureen
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jess on March 10, 2015, 10:49:16 PM
Ummm...Jezzy?  When have you had time to grocery shop?

Maureen

Good point! :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gracelet on March 13, 2015, 05:46:33 AM
I regularly fall asleep on the sofa sitting upright with a glass of wine in my hand.

I haven't done washing up in 3 days.

I'm on the forum while I'm at work...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Justin on March 13, 2015, 10:43:06 AM

I'm on the forum while I'm at work...

Guilty.

I sprinkled carpet deodorizer over two weeks ago.... and still haven't vacuumed it up. I have even had a house guest during that period  :(

Last autumn's leaves on still on the lawn.

My hair, beard, and dog all really need a trim.

I came home to find my regularly drunken neighbor burning fallen limbs in my back yard fire pit - and I didn't care, or even say "hi". I did occasionally check to make sure the yard wasn't on fire.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: JacklessSally on March 13, 2015, 10:59:36 AM
I'm on the forum while I'm at work...

Same.. as well as working on Radio Hell merch instead of my work..
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: littlebirdie on March 13, 2015, 12:14:50 PM
I'm on the forum while I'm at work...

Me too, but I'm self-employed and work from home so nobody cares. (http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm215/tackyblueeyeshadow/Smileys/happydance-1.gif)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Carey on March 13, 2015, 12:51:21 PM
1. Realized last night I haven't washed the shower curtain  in.......well have I EVER since I moved over a year ago?
2. Haven't done a load of laundry in 2 weeks.
3. No food in the house, no dinero to make it happen no giveadamn to worry about it.
4. I alienated my very very best friend today by forgetting he is not the widda board and I just went off at the mouth whining and being clingy and now I'm at work wanting the floor to open up and swallow me.
5. It's 1:50 p.m. and I've done no real work today to speak of.
6. Heard "our" song today and really just HURT.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: swilson on March 13, 2015, 01:52:11 PM
I act clueless about domestic stuff around the ladies at work. It's a chance to enjoy a little female conversation even if it is only about a recipe or laundry advice.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mangomom on March 13, 2015, 03:13:33 PM
I act clueless about domestic stuff around the ladies at work. It's a chance to enjoy a little female conversation even if it is only about a recipe or laundry advice.

This struck me as quite funny.  Care to share the recipes?  Or do you not even use them, you just listen :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: swilson on March 13, 2015, 04:03:54 PM
Share recipes? ;D You may be onto something mangomom, perhaps a "cooking for one" thread. If I ask about a recipe or something I'll usually give it a try and afterward engage in some follow up chat about how it worked out.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on March 14, 2015, 10:08:54 AM
1. I live on coffee most of the time-- I go to Starbucks nearly every day and drink 2 cups of brewed coffee with sugar and half-and-half (my reasoning is that the sucrose, fat, and tiny bit of protein should be sufficient, along with all the excess fluffiness that I have). I keep yogurt and granola bars at work, and I chew ice all day. If I'm home alone, I get hungry, wander to the kitchen, look in the fridge, then shut it again and think, Nah, not worth the effort, I'd rather listen to my stomach growl. I only eat a full meal when my mom is home, because she insists on making one and then pulls a guilt trip if I don't clean my plate. People keep asking me what my secret is (cos, yes, I've dropped a fair bit), and I tell them it's the Diet from Hell. I couldn't care less about weight loss, I just can't be bothered with finding and consuming food most days.

2. I feel sorry for myself, and I HATE IT. It makes me despise myself for being so weak and pathetic. But I can't seem to stop.

3. I sometimes think I created this whole thing-- from finding Jim to marrying him and then on through to losing him-- as some St Elsewhere or Dallas-style extended dream sequence in order to deal with the colossal disaster that was my first marriage. It was never real, so I don't belong here--or anywhere else, as far as I can tell, except maybe some freak show someplace. :(

4. I can tell myself a thousand times a day that "I got this," but it's a house of cards on a wobbly table in an earthquake zone. Honestly... I think I'm just... done.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: littlebirdie on March 14, 2015, 10:56:35 AM
1. I live on coffee most of the time--

For the first year or so, I did too. I was literally drinking a pot of coffee a day. I've seriously cut back to one mug in the morning, but for a while caffeine was the only thing that fueled me.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on March 14, 2015, 11:12:26 AM
It's not even the caffeine- it does nothing for me. And if I'm really honest, I don't even like the coffee all that much anymore. It's just... habit. :-/
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: littlebirdie on March 14, 2015, 11:16:34 AM
Ah, I see. With me it was all about the caffeine. I couldn't sleep, so it kept me functional. :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lcoxwell on March 14, 2015, 11:49:03 AM
1) I have almost completely converted to using paper plates and cups and plastic spoons, because I just don't have it in me to wash the dishes. 

2) I also frequently use the the cheap, plastic containers to store leftovers, so that when said leftovers have taken on a life of their own (because I haven't bothered to clean out the fridge), I can just toss them in the trash, container and all, without feeling quite as guilty for throwing good money away.  Again, it lets me avoid dishes. 

3) If I could reasonably justify never cooking again (financially and nutritionally), and just eat drive through or take out for the rest of my life, I would, because, you guessed it, I could avoid washing dishes.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on March 14, 2015, 07:05:52 PM
In a confession long ago, I mentioned that the pizza man hugged me, indicating that maybe I had a problem both with pizza delivery frequency and with living in a town where the pizza guy heard about my husband through the Syrian-American grapevine  and thus felt compelled to hug me.

In a pizza delivery incident tonight, the new hipster pizza delivery man was so chatty and friendly, inquiring about the Union Jack in the planter by my front door (M's doing for our January visitor from the UK) and going on about his family and time in the UK, that for an instant I thought, maybe I should invite him in to join us for a slice? 


Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on March 14, 2015, 09:36:07 PM
Confession? I was home alone last night and was very tempted to allow a married man to come over. Not just to visit either. He is a friend. We talk a lot, and it gets a little inappropriate at times. I've known him and his wife for years. Yes they have a troubled marriage, but they are MARRIED. Why does 'skin hunger' make you so crazy?? I was mentally listing the pros and cons, seriously. :sigh: Really only one 'pro' here, and that was to satisfy my urges. Not good! Full disclosure, I haven't been with anyone since my husband passed away. I've never had casual sex, and I would have never even considered being with a married man before. A little disappointed in myself.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Portside on March 14, 2015, 10:17:17 PM
A little disappointed in myself.

Don't be - to be tempted is to be human.

MIke
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lcoxwell on March 14, 2015, 10:21:04 PM
Don't be - to be tempted is to be human.

I agree.  You chose not to give into the temptation, and that's what is truly important.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on March 14, 2015, 10:42:25 PM
Thanks, it looks like I'm going to have to continue to be the moral compass in this friendship.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mangomom on March 14, 2015, 10:45:00 PM
Thanks, it looks like I'm going to have to continue to be the moral compass in this friendship.
that is not an easy feat when our true north seems to be missing.  Stay strong.  A few minutes of pleasure is not worth the destruction.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on March 15, 2015, 07:16:21 AM
Virgo, yes skin hunger can make you crazy!  The important thing is you didn't so anything you would regret later.  You may need to limit contact until these feelings subside because it's not easy to make the right decision when the flirting gets things going.  Time to start dating maybe?  Talking and flirting with available men could distract you from married guy.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: JacklessSally on March 15, 2015, 01:27:39 PM
Sometimes it is easier for me to just believe that I wasn't good enough, and he left me... Instead of what really happened..
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Callobg on March 15, 2015, 04:50:35 PM
I'm in the military and I spray my wife's perfume on my uniforms everyday. I also wear her lotions and deodorant.

LSC,  always and forever,  you will be my love.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian1953 on March 15, 2015, 05:24:14 PM
those things are such a comfort, aren't they? Somehow you just feel them in the here and now.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Catnip on March 17, 2015, 11:29:11 AM
1. I work full-time and bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, yogurt and an apple every day. Every single day. It's boring, but quick and cheap.

2. I've completely taken over my master bedroom. My husband died in the winter, and that spring I (and my sons) cleaned out his closet so I could bring out my summer clothes. Now I have a winter closet and a summer closet. I've taken over the bathroom. I have the entire medicine cabinet and vanity all to myself (my sons use the downstairs bath). I often wonder how I could ever live with someone again (it's been 8 years since he has been gone). But then again, how did I manage to live with him for 26 years??
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on March 17, 2015, 12:57:18 PM
Hello everyone!  My confessions are:
*I try to remember the bad times me and my husband had so I won't feel sad.
*I am now buying lots of foam plates and cups so I don't have to wash dishes.
*I think I like my kid's soccer coach...Not sure if it's mutual..(But I think it's just me wanting it to be!)
*There is another soccer mom whom I don't like- Let me tell you why.  She's my age, she is super hot- thin/very good looking lady- and I don't like her because I've seen the soccer coach eyeing her.  Well last weeks game I had to sit next to her and we started talking turns out she is very nice and easy to talk too-- Bitch!!!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gretchen437 on March 25, 2015, 11:20:10 AM
If I don't get a break soon I feel I will snap. I have graduation, bar prep, exams, work, kids, everything boiling up and I feel I am failing in all of these areas. :(
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: DansSoulmate on March 25, 2015, 11:44:43 AM
Here are a few of mine:
>Last night I ate a candy bar and ice cream for dinner.  But, in my defense, I did eat a healthy lunch. 
>At 6 months, the last towel Dan used is still hanging in the master bathroom.  I'm not in a rush to move it.   
>I workout, clean the house and hang out on the deck listening to Dan's ipod.  There are lots of great memories in those songs so it brings smiles and tears.
>Early on I would "embrace" or "hug" his pillow, warm it up and then move it in position to "spoon" me. :) crazy, right?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: JacklessSally on March 25, 2015, 11:53:35 AM
I am considering sending a bag of dicks to the asshole who hit my fiancee and sent him into oncoming traffic.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: look2thesky on March 25, 2015, 01:23:58 PM
Don't put your return adress on the package
; )
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: JacklessSally on March 25, 2015, 01:33:22 PM
Don't put your return adress on the package
; )

good idea! haha
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on March 25, 2015, 01:35:20 PM
Over the weekend I will be in my hometown meeting a friend.  I requested we eat at a restaurant that is near an ex-boyfriends house and I'm hoping I run into him.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: DansSoulmate on March 26, 2015, 08:32:56 AM
At 6 months, i feel fairly confident with all the decisions i've made so far but wonder which ones (if any)  he would have challenged me on.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on March 26, 2015, 11:04:19 AM
My 12-year-old son is determined to smoke. NO ONE in our family smokes. I have swept his room repeatedly, I have seized contraband, I have grounded him and taken away all his electronics, and somehow he is still finding ways to get cigarettes. I have no idea how he's doing it-- we just moved, he has no friends in the neighborhood, and I sincerely doubt the first grade girl across the street (the only other kid in the area, apparently) is helping him. While most of me wants to strangle him, part of me secretly admires his ingenuity. Also, I'm considering joining him.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Carey on March 26, 2015, 01:04:59 PM
lol Jen. I know it's not funny, but it's funny.  Mine are doing the same thing.  I have no CLUE where it comes from.  And the 16 year old boy has decided to try his hand at drinking too, and he's JUST like his dad there. Which is scary.  And yet right now Id love a bottle of Moscato. Or Three.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Baylee627 on March 26, 2015, 02:00:13 PM
I confess:

I'd like to get "lost a high heel and an earring, just what the hell day is it, mad cuz I can't find my drink, rip-roaring" drunk!

Seriously, just the notion of not thinking too deeply, or having memory of it, entices me. And I'm a cheap drunk...two or maybe three glasses of Reisling on an empty stomach and I'd be good and loopy!

The sole reason I can't get plastered? I'm on contraindicated meds. #winning

Baylee
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on March 27, 2015, 04:19:43 AM
These are all so good. Thanks for some to make me laugh and oh......I can can so relate.  Someone please take my wid brain away!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gretchen437 on March 29, 2015, 08:51:37 PM
I just made the sad realization that I am the female version of Will from the Inbetweeners :(
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: JacklessSally on March 30, 2015, 08:05:32 AM
I just made the sad realization that I am the female version of Will from the Inbetweeners :(

Oh Gretchen... the only word that can pop to mind is "Brilliant"... I'm sorry love.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Lmsmdm on March 30, 2015, 05:24:08 PM
Share recipes? ;D You may be onto something mangomom, perhaps a "cooking for one" thread. If I ask about a recipe or something I'll usually give it a try and afterward engage in some follow up chat about how it worked out.

There used to be one.....
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Lmsmdm on March 30, 2015, 05:31:25 PM
*I think I like my kid's soccer coach...Not sure if it's mutual..(But I think it's just me wanting it to be!)
*There is another soccer mom whom I don't like- Let me tell you why.  She's my age, she is super hot- thin/very good looking lady- and I don't like her because I've seen the soccer coach eyeing her.  Well last weeks game I had to sit next to her and we started talking turns out she is very nice and easy to talk too-- Bitch!!!!

Ha ha...lol.....snort
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lcoxwell on March 30, 2015, 06:05:07 PM
I called in "sick" today, even though I wasn't really sick, and even though I have missed far more days this year, than I should have, for genuine illnesses.  I just woke up completely unable to face the day.  There was no real reason, that I could find, only that I just could not make myself get up out of the bed.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on April 01, 2015, 10:40:39 AM
Yesterday my 9 year old son got mad because I didn't cook (again)... he told me he is tried of eating peanut butter sandwiches and cup o noddles.  I am gonna make more of an effort to cook more often.  He made me feel like I was an unfit mother:(
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jess on April 02, 2015, 08:49:57 AM
One of my dogs puked on the carpet. I was relieved when the puppy, who eats everything from blue jeans to shoes to soda cans, ate it while I was getting paper towel so I didn't have to clean it up. I am gross. :(
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on April 02, 2015, 05:48:07 PM
One of my dogs puked on the carpet. I was relieved when the puppy, who eats everything from blue jeans to shoes to soda cans, ate it while I was getting paper towel so I didn't have to clean it up. I am gross. :(

I can so relate to this.  So, so relate to this (but it is the feline variety).  My elderly, obese cat, Fatteus, eats, throws up and then eats his recently eaten thrown up food.  And honestly, that's cool with me.

In November when taking a trash bag full of cat litter out, the bag scraped on the concrete walk and broke.  Cat litter and cat poop everywhere.  That night I was too over it to deal so I said I'd do clean it up on the weekend.  Then it snowed.  And then it snowed some more.  Some of the snow melted but not all of it.  Then it snowed still more.  All the while I am pretending that it is going to somehow magically decompose when in reality I knew it was there, frozen, waiting for me.  The snow has now melted.  It is April and the pile is still there.  I look at it every day, walk around it to go to the mailbox.  Fortunately it is in the back yard and only I can see it (I think!?!) Do I really have to deal with it?  Secretly, I am still holding out that one morning I'll wake up and it will magically be gone.  The widow's brain has a mysterious logic when it comes to avoidance.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on April 02, 2015, 10:35:10 PM
Thank you TS. Just what I really needed to read right now. I could sure use some avoidance! And the cat litter and poop story was invaluable!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on April 03, 2015, 11:20:32 AM
I ask my daughter for fashion advise way too much!!  What can I say she has good taste.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on April 05, 2015, 04:41:38 PM
DD has a load in her pants but I'm letting her stay outside and play at her sand table anyway. If she doesn't care why should I?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on April 09, 2015, 01:12:24 AM
My 7yo dd lost a tooth tonight. My 13yo dd helped her pull it out.  That means I had tooth fairy duties because my 7yo still believes. :) I rarely carry cash these days because I always use my debit card. Well, sure enough I check my purse and no cash. What do I do? I grabbed a dollar bill from my 7yo's wallet. She'll never know. I'll sneak her another dollar the next time I have cash.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on April 09, 2015, 08:16:48 AM
Virgo I have done the same thing!  If I have cash it's $20 bill from ATM so I have indeed raided his wallet to put his own dollar bill under his pillow!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gretchen437 on April 09, 2015, 11:25:29 AM
Being a parent is the only part of my life that I enjoy right now. *wish I was at home with my kiddos right now*
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on May 04, 2015, 04:50:28 PM
I don't feel like fixing dinner, so I'm thinking about just making scrambled eggs and waffles.  Yet here I sit. Cereal anyone? lol
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on May 04, 2015, 05:20:04 PM
Could not deal with dinner tonight either.  Let 8 year old make her own - mac and cheese.  It took her an hour.  She used like 50 utensils and dishes but I am all about 8 year olds who can cook, do laundry and take out the trash these days.....
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on May 04, 2015, 07:51:23 PM
My daughters are 15 (almost 16), 13, and 7 (almost 8.) All more than capable of fixing dinner once in awhile, but it's still left up to me. lol We had scrambled eggs, waffles, and grapefruit.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Baylee627 on May 04, 2015, 08:24:10 PM
I confess:

Dinner was a bowl of cereal tonight. I could not be bothered with anything more laborious than that.

I wanna slap my friend round the face for her blithe affect in life (jealous much? Um, helz yeah, I am!). She doesn't make the faintest attempt to understand why I'm struggling with grief. Still. (Like, shouldn't I be over "that" or something??). Um, Google "grief", hooch!

Opportunistic people around me that try to be advantageous of my giving nature and avail themselves of use of my husband's things, or presume I am loaded due to my being widowed. Widowed = windfall, right?

I'm fairly surly tonight.

Baylee



Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: swilson on May 04, 2015, 09:53:05 PM
I ate the following at the little league concession; jumbo hot dog, soft pretzel with nacho sauce, coke - dessert was a freeze pop. Hell compared to some of the crap I've been eating at home, it was a 4 star feast. Pathetic  :-\
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Carey on May 05, 2015, 07:16:44 AM
There was a lot of breakfast going around last night wasn't there lol. I had breakfast casserole and bacon. Because the meltdown of my dd dying and frying her hair and having to take her senior pictures yesterday was about all I could handle in one day.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lcoxwell on May 05, 2015, 11:29:26 PM
We had Open House night at school, which meant a late night for me. I was trying to get things done in my classroom and didn't head home, until after 8:00, so my dinner consisted of 2/3 of a pack of peanut butter crackers, half a Hershey's pie, and a root beer soda. Thankfully, my son had enough sense not to wait on me to get home to feed him. At least one of us ate a decent meal.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Carey on May 06, 2015, 07:20:13 AM
I finally did what I've always said I'd never do.  Went to walmart in PJ bottoms, a tee shirt and flip flops. Oh and wet hair.  OY!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Strongerthanb4 on May 06, 2015, 10:12:39 AM
My kid brushes his teeth about 3 times a week. The fight is exhausting.

I hate being around "normal" people. Am I the only one who notices how conversations are no longer about spouses when I'm in the room.

I have used the "oh, I'm just so overwhelmed" excuse to explain why I don't clean my house. I'm not overwhelmed. I'm under supervised. I don't clean my house because I'd rather play candy crush.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on May 06, 2015, 10:24:49 AM
I'm not overwhelmed. I'm under supervised.

I absolutely love this. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Strongerthanb4 on May 06, 2015, 12:18:13 PM
I should also add that if I want something I buy it. Bills are for next month.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Carey on May 06, 2015, 12:32:20 PM
LMAO...OH that gave me the best laugh today.  Under-supervised.  I'll have to remember that.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on May 06, 2015, 12:42:38 PM
Damn Candy Crush!  What a time suck. :)

I have gone back to bed after getting my daughters on the school bus every day this week so far.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: mawidow on May 14, 2015, 08:03:44 PM
I am moving in with new guy but I have hardly told anyone. I don't want to have any conversations about how great it is that I'm starting fresh or how this is a silver lining or that it's too early in our relationship. None of those things are true. I'm tired of the 'you're being a good widow / bad widow' opinions.

Stress goes right to my digestive system and I am as bloated as a beached whale. I am not that comfortable farting all the time in front of new guy. I try to go for peppy little walks.

This morning I woke up and saw him and thought, 'I love you more today than yesterday.' and then I thought, 'oh, sh*t.' I know where those feelings can lead, dammit dammit dammit. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Carey on May 15, 2015, 08:39:36 AM
Its amazing how your life becomes everybody's business when you are widowed. I still haven't figured out the connection and why it's so, but it seems to be true across the board.  mawidow ... congratulations on your chapter 2, you deserve what you want when you want it , screw the world lol. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Meema on May 15, 2015, 10:34:36 AM
I've been living with new guy for almost 4 months and I haven't told anyone in my family except my son, and him only because he'll be home from college for the summer in a couple of weeks and would have figured it out pretty quickly anyway. I haven't mentioned to any of them that I've even gone on a date. I feel so protective of my privacy in this area. I hate the idea of being the focus of family gossip, I hate being judged either for or against, and I hate that they'll think I'm "all better" now.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: thejourney on May 15, 2015, 11:25:53 AM
I am moving in with new guy but I have hardly told anyone. I don't want to have any conversations about how great it is that I'm starting fresh or how this is a silver lining or that it's too early in our relationship. None of those things are true. I'm tired of the 'you're being a good widow / bad widow' opinions. 

So true!  It doesn't matter what we do, it will be right or wrong in someone's view.  Everyone has an opinion on our decisions - or at least we think they do.  Maybe they don't but it sure feels that way
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsT85 on May 15, 2015, 12:55:14 PM
I am moving in with new guy but I have hardly told anyone. I don't want to have any conversations about how great it is that I'm starting fresh or how this is a silver lining or that it's too early in our relationship. None of those things are true. I'm tired of the 'you're being a good widow / bad widow' opinions.

Oh my lord, do I understand this.  I've been engaged since Christmas.  Most people in my office don't even know I've started dating again, and only two of them (my manager and her assistant) know that "this new fellow I've been seeing" is actually New Fiance. I'm the youngest widow in my office by (I'm guessing at least) 25 years.  I don't want to here the "it's so nice you've moved on" or "you were so young, we knew you'd find someone new!" comments either....
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MissingSquish on May 17, 2015, 03:45:43 PM
I hate that my libido often clouds my judgment. Still talking and clinging onto ex-Bf, why am I doing this?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on May 17, 2015, 05:58:51 PM
I hate that the best remaining days of my libido are slipping away from me underutilized.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on May 17, 2015, 07:25:22 PM
I hate that I feel judged every time I redecorate an area in my home.

No, I'm not wasting HIS money. (I guess it's not mine.)
No, I'm not trying to erase him from our home.

I'm making some of the changes that we both wanted to do, but couldn't afford.
I'm trying to make our house liveable/tolerable for me and our daughters.

My middle daughter won't sit in his spot on the couch or eat at the dining room table because he's not there. To me those are changes I need to make for her, us. This is our home. Rant over.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on May 18, 2015, 01:31:16 PM
My MIL stayed at my house over the weekend and in one of our conversations stated that she had recently found out that she had rights to my husbands money and asked if I could give her what is rightfully hers...WTF!!!! WHAT MONEY I asked her, husband didn't have life insurance nor did we have money in the bank, only thing I'm getting is SSN for my kids and that's why I'm working... I wanted to tell her to get the F*** out of my house, but didn't because of my kids. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Baylee627 on May 18, 2015, 07:52:36 PM
^^^Your MIL was out of her damn mind to think it, let alone express it.

Just, yuck.

Baylee
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: swilson on May 18, 2015, 08:26:41 PM
I'm sorry November, geez Louise. I swear the next person who suggests DW dying was akin to winning a lottery will be told to bugger off  >:( We not only lose a chunk of our heart but also an income so whatever cash windfall people think we have must be conserved, protected and carefully managed.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: look2thesky on May 18, 2015, 09:40:08 PM
I hate that my libido often clouds my judgment. Still talking and clinging onto ex-Bf, why am I doing this?

I did this for a spell. Not good.
When I finally said enough is enough a huge weight was lifted.
All it was doing was dragging me further.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on May 19, 2015, 03:54:27 PM
I hate that the best remaining days of my libido are slipping away from me underutilized.

It's pathetic, but this thought absolutely *preys* on me. I can't stand it. It's so freaking unfair. :(
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MissingSquish on May 21, 2015, 05:00:47 PM
3 year sadiversary was yesterday. Was supposed to go to a movie with ex bf last night. He cancelled yesterday morning due to a volunteering training. I asked him if it was possible to skip his volunteer training because I was feeling a bit low and really looking forward to seeing him.

He didn't respond. Nothing.

Someone here needs to remind me how mean he was if I ever have amnesia and think it's a good idea to have him in my life again
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: look2thesky on May 21, 2015, 05:37:33 PM
" Your ex asking to stay friends after a breakup is like kidnappers asking to stay in touch after they let you go "
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on May 21, 2015, 09:00:53 PM
I have to agree with Look2thesky.  So true, move on MissingSquish, you deserve better!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on May 22, 2015, 01:47:05 PM
Yesterday there was a softball meeting (my daughter plays softball) and all the parents were there... I'm talking on the side to a parent which recently separated from her husband and I'm telling her we should get together for drinks on Saturday and thought I'd be cute and called it "Zippy Saturday".  My 9yr old whom I thought was not paying attention to what I was talking about looked up and said loud enough to have all eyes on me "Mom your adding another day you already have  Tipsy Tuesday, Wine Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday and now Zippy Saturday"... I wanted the ground to open up swallow me and spit me back up on a beach...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on May 22, 2015, 02:25:35 PM
I have the evening to myself (daughters are staying the night with my dad) and will probably end up going to the gym, maybe getting a few groceries, and then back home. Party animal! I wish I had a date.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MissingSquish on May 23, 2015, 11:38:39 AM
I really miss my ex bf. Not intending on contacting him at all. Just miss him.  I miss having butterflies in my stomach and having true excitement to see him.

I miss my life with him, and yet don't miss my life with Squish anymore.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Questions on May 24, 2015, 01:56:25 PM
I get a kick out of toying with telemarketers of companies who've wronged me in the past.
Especially DirecTV. They call me periodically to tell me I was a valued customer & they want me back & promise me the world.  I tried switching to them from Comcast awhile back but they & ATT lied to me & wasted my time so now when they call I pretend I'm interested, string them along but stop just short of committing & say, "If I'm going to agree to a 2 yr contract I want the rates locked in & I need them in writing beforehand because I don't trust you to honor this deal."
They can't oblige so then I say "Well, sorry for wasting your time.. How does it feel?"
Totally pisses them off.
I do the same thing to telephone scammers. Play dumb, string them along, give them wrong or conflicting information & essentially waste as much of their time as possible.
I figure any time they waste on the phone with me is time they don't have to be scamming others.
I know it's evil but so are they. Why not give them a taste of their own medicine? I've got nothing better to do... lol 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Guaruj on May 25, 2015, 11:20:37 AM
My house is a mess:  Cat hair everywhere.  The dining room table is covered in unopened mail.  Near the front door, I have both barbecue and ski equipment (I haven't been skiing in years).

My yard is a mess: Parched from drought, weeds taking root, hasn't been mowed once this year.

...but I fuss over Catherine's grave every morning.  I water her flowers, scrub away bird droppings and uproot any dandelions within a 20 ft radius.

It's been nearly 11 months and I really want to clean up my act.

|+|  M a r k  |+|
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: look2thesky on May 25, 2015, 08:51:40 PM
Giaruja be easy on yourself.
The grave means a lot to you, and man can I relate.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Questions on May 25, 2015, 09:09:32 PM
Guaruja, I totally get this. I found it hard to do things just for myself too.
A friend of mine told me something that helped get me moving. Maybe it'll help you too.
She said: "You deserve a nice, clean place to live."

I think I was punishing myself for being the one left alive by refusing to take care of myself.
I remember being angry at my body requiring so much attention from me: Feed me, wash me, exercise me! I felt dead inside but my body kept reminding me I wasn't & that it wasn't okay to act like I was dead & no longer mattered. Call it survivor's guilt I guess.
Somehow being given permission to go on living & do normal things was what I needed to hear.

I don't know if this is what's happening to you, but if it is try & remember something: You matter.
You don't deserve to suffer even more than you already are  so stop punishing yourself.
Take care of the things that are bothering you.  Nurture yourself & get this stuff sorted so you can put it to rest, have some relief & regain some sense of normalcy in your day to day life.
It's ok to keep living even though your heart's broken. You're not the one who died. That automatically makes it ok...
Take care of some of these things & I guarantee you'll feel a little lighter & like yourself more.
Don't forget to give yourself a huge pat on the back too when it's done..
Nothing about this is easy, but giving up only adds insult to injury.. You can do this!

(((hugs)))

Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gretchen437 on June 04, 2015, 01:02:34 PM
I am yet again struck down sick causing me to fall further behind in my studies. I am only half way through the material my comrades have covered. I would like to catch up but I have neither the passion nor energy to fight through the elaborate tapestry of bullshit that is contract law today.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: nonesuch on June 07, 2015, 02:05:52 PM
It's been over five years, but every time I take LH's name off something, my heart breaks a little. It's as if he's being erased bit by bit.  One day it will be as if he's never existed.   His name is still on the electric bill.  I just can't bear to change it.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MissingSquish on June 07, 2015, 08:14:00 PM
One of Squish's close friends who I haven't seen in a long time was totally trying to get me to sleep with him. I told him that my heart was still a bit bruised from Squish and ex BF and he was like "I'll make you feel much better".  I said I just couldn't. Radio silence. (Btw, I was never attracted to him at all, like ever)

Yuck.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gretchen437 on June 15, 2015, 02:41:19 PM
Everything so complicated right. My health, studying, the kids, and everything else has caused me to make a rather rash and illogical decision. Among the most frustrating problems of the decision is, as I opted to marry my husband young, I never bothered to come out. A handful of people know about my preferences and prior relationships with women, but now more than ever I am even more guarded about it, but at the same time I feel too old to live a lie. Sorry just needed a bit of a rant.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on June 15, 2015, 05:52:23 PM
That's a lot going on at once Gretchen.  I hope coming out to everyone gives you some relief, and your health issues improve.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: mawidow on September 02, 2015, 06:09:18 AM
Getting dressed this morning, I realized that my 'period' underwear now are nicer than my 'nice' underwear when I was married. Apparently, I have overhauled everything, down to my undies.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on September 02, 2015, 04:20:23 PM
MA that is hilarious
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gracelet on September 08, 2015, 10:21:25 AM
Getting dressed this morning, I realized that my 'period' underwear now are nicer than my 'nice' underwear when I was married. Apparently, I have overhauled everything, down to my undies.

Ha, I have period underwear too!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Max2507 on September 08, 2015, 02:06:16 PM
After over 2 years I took his towel off the hook in the shower. I only did it because my 16 year old dog died and it seemed like using it as a shroud for him was a good purpose. My dog had a long, happy life, 112 in people years, hardly feel bad about that. Now I just see the hook and miss his towel, miss him so much. Don't think I will ever feel normal again.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on September 08, 2015, 07:12:16 PM
Changing this post to: I almost drove my car for so long without an oil change that I would have needed a new engine.

Again (though last time I actually did need a new engine).
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on September 08, 2015, 08:39:24 PM
And I have another confession.  When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, I started smoking.  Yes, I am well aware that that is deeply f'ed up.  I can explain what the psychology was at the time but there's really no point. 

I finally decided to quit smoking once and for all two days ago.  So far, so good but I am about to start climbing up walls. Climbing. Up. The. Walls.  Or walking laps around my house in the dark.  Maybe time to take up knitting, like right now. 

Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on September 08, 2015, 09:56:05 PM
I'll be perfectly honest: over the past year, I have strongly considered taking up smoking. The thing that has stopped me has been the cost. I don't blame you one bit, and I still have days when I think, Fuck, whatever will shorten my lifespan... bring it on. As far as quitting-- of course you can do it!! Jim used rock salt-- whenever he felt the urge to light up, he would pop one or two crystals in his mouth. Yuck, but it worked! He quit cold turkey after smoking for six or seven years, and what eventually became a two-pack-a-day habit. Hang in there!

Re upgrades: my underwear drawer must look a lot like yours, Mawidow. My period undies are the cheap cotton ones I had before I was a wid. I've got all new pretty knickers for every (non-AF) day, and I don't even feel bad about it. Also, I've gone on this insane pajamas kick-- I never wore PJs before, but now I have a cute and/or pretty set for every night, if I want one. There's no one to appreciate any of it, but what the hell. I like it.

Hugs!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on September 08, 2015, 10:08:18 PM
Love it Just Jen. PJs just for you!  You rock girl!! ❤️
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Wheelerswife on September 08, 2015, 10:23:25 PM
I never wore PJ's before.  Now I wear the granny kind.  Sexy, eh?  I'll gladly go back to sleeping in the buff when I find great love #3.  One of my qualifications for love #3 is that he also enjoys sleeping in the buff.  :D

Maureen
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on September 08, 2015, 10:34:31 PM
Yup, the next Mr Jen has to want to sleep at least mostly nude. Much better for oxytocin production. In the meantime, buy ALL the adorable jammies!! :D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lcoxwell on September 08, 2015, 11:01:36 PM
Since you have brought it up, I managed to lose 17 pounds in a relatively short time after my Kenneth died. When you are 5'1", even 5 pounds can be a big difference. Needless to say, I had to go by all new EVERYTHING, including clothes, pajamas, bras, and panties. SOMEHOW, I managed to end up with about 30 new pair of cute, sexy panties. I could literally go an entire month without having to wash, and still wouldn't have a need to wear the same pair for more than a day. (Actually, I think the appeal of not having to wash clothes might have at least something to do with why I have around 30 pair of panties, but that's another confession).  ;)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: twistedmensa on September 09, 2015, 03:24:39 AM
I guess I'm boring. I've never been one to wear sexy anything. My sleepwear consists of shorts and t-shirts until winter when I switch to sweats. I've been this way my entire life and see no need to change it now...especially now.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on September 09, 2015, 05:54:00 AM
TS, I started smoking after my dad died. Of lung cancer, how's that for fucked up. I quit, but started up again after Dan died. I just needed something, and because of the way he died, I can't drink, can't even stand the thought of alcohol. The guy I've been chatting with, his profile says he'll only date an occasional smoker. Oops. But hey, he likes Phish, so he's got to smoke something, right?

Confession 2, I am getting to know and really like a guy who likes Phish, and I may, on one occasion or another in my past life, made fun of that whole phenomenon. Next confession,  I asked my SIL to watch DD both days last weekend, so I could work on the house one day and have lunch with a friend from out of town the other. It's not entirely untrue; I did see the friend, but she came over and we hung out while I worked on the house, and then I had lunch with that guy the next day. The fourth confession is that I really don't feel as bad about it as much as I think I should, because my life sucks so bad I needed something to look forward to.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on September 09, 2015, 06:24:46 AM
I love pretty PJs, not exactly sexy, but pretty and comfy.  I put weight on after DH died so haven't spent much on sexy anything.  I'm losing weight now and see a big shopping trip in my future when I reach my goal!  For now I'm enjoying shopping in my closet, finding things that haven't fit for almost 2 years.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jess on September 09, 2015, 06:30:31 AM
Another widow smoker here. Sigh.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Bunny on September 09, 2015, 11:37:20 AM
Bless me widows, for I have sinned:

1) I, too, took up smoking again while my husband was dying of cancer. Have spent the last year trying to be completely quit, but keep having relapses.

2) I started drinking alcohol after he died- he'd been sober the last 10 years of his life. I rarely drank the entire 17 years we were together. My first couple years of widowhood were spent in a drunken haze.

3) My boyfriend is so much more laid back- life is easier with him in many ways. I'm relieved to not have to deal with my husband's shitty temper tantrums anymore. I no longer feel guilty about this.

4) I've been angry at my husband for about a year now. I'm trying to let go of those bad memories, want to go back to remembering all that amazing happiness we shared instead. I'm frustrated by my seeming inability to do this. It's so hard to be stuck in this part of my grief. I really, really want to let it go. I wish I could win the lottery just so I could start seeing a therapist who specializes in complicated grief.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on September 09, 2015, 12:28:20 PM
Pj's are to wear around the house, not while I'm in bed. :)

My confession: I went back to bed after my daughters went to school today and it felt great!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsT85 on September 09, 2015, 12:55:46 PM
I went from a 1-2 cigarette a week smoker (mostly pawned off and snuck with a friend) to a 1-2 pack a week smoker for the first 12-18 months after he died.  I'm back down to just a few a month - usually with that same friend.

But oh boy...did my alcohol consumption pick up after he died.  Holy hell, have I become good at drinking cheap tequila! And while I don't feel the need to get fucked up right after work every day or need to drink myself to sleep every night anymore, I probably still imbibe more than I should. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on September 09, 2015, 02:08:52 PM

Confession 2, I am getting to know and really like a guy who likes Phish, and I may, on one occasion or another in my past life, made fun of that whole phenomenon.

This made my morning.  Thank you. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on September 09, 2015, 04:07:11 PM
Pj's are to wear around the house, not while I'm in bed. :)


Exactly!! They make me feel cute and, well, alive-- in some weird inexplicable way. Like if I feel as though I'm still human enough and girlie enough to deserve nice jammies and knickers, maybe... maybe someday someone else will think so too.  :-\
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on September 09, 2015, 05:43:53 PM
I suck.  I bought a pack of cigarettes on the way home from work.  Allow me to reiterate, I suck. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: rifatheroffour on September 09, 2015, 07:15:07 PM
TS,

Throw the pack AWAY...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: sunshinedaydreamz on September 09, 2015, 07:49:48 PM
Send them to me I'll smoke them.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on September 09, 2015, 08:36:39 PM
You don't suck. You're just fine. We do the best we can, and when we can do better, we do. Hugs.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Quixote on September 09, 2015, 08:39:47 PM
Jeez, I thought I was the only widow smoker. I didn't smoke at all until after she died. Then I took up cigars and cigarillos  Btw, she died of cancer and the irony isn't lost on me. She also hated the smell of smoke. Probably would slap me silly if she were around.

Then again, I quit drinking a year ago. Smoking is harder to quit, but probably the lesser of two evils
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lcoxwell on September 09, 2015, 10:50:36 PM
I suck.  I bought a pack of cigarettes on the way home from work.  Allow me to reiterate, I suck.

If my Kenneth were still alive and here to read this, he would tell you that, technically, you don't suck - you inhale. (Sorry, couldn't resist the cheesy humor. My head hurts and I am medicated.)   ;)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on September 10, 2015, 06:43:44 AM

Confession 2, I am getting to know and really like a guy who likes Phish, and I may, on one occasion or another in my past life, made fun of that whole phenomenon.

This made my morning.  Thank you.
TS I am so stupid. He mentioned in his profile he's been known to go to a show or two. Then last weekend he texted me, mentioned he was at s Phish concert. I thought, wait, and googled his profile name, yep it's the title of a Phish song. No real reason I would have known that. I only know one song by them. It was a song Dan liked, and I used to give him (good natured) shit for it. Actually, I've only met two other Phish fans in my life. One spent a year following them and she was this totally awesome, brilliant chick. The other was a total asshole. It's funny how your perspective on people changes with widowhood. I now feel like I've been a judgmental asshole about a lot of things. Like seriously, it's a band. He's nice to me, and seems to think I'm cool.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Justin on September 10, 2015, 10:26:00 AM
Last week, I vacuumed the dog hair off of the couch and loveseat for the first time since DW died.

I am 14 months out now... sigh.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Stevesbabyness on September 21, 2015, 12:23:00 PM
Two years out and am still googling witchcraft spells, curses and black magic to use on my monster shit-law.

I'm still angry with DH for dying in such a ridiculously random way.

I drink wayyyy much more than I ought to. But I rationalise it as "being social", as I don't drink alone. That's ok, right? Rightttttt?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on September 21, 2015, 07:39:06 PM
I absolutely have no idea when a text exchange is supposed to end. Are we having a conversation? Do I inform the other person that I'm leaving? Is it weird that I answered a particular text, because we were not, in fact having a conversation? It's fine when it's people I know well, they'll forgive my texting ignorance. But when I'm talking to uh, a new person, am I coming off rude or needy?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on September 22, 2015, 09:46:35 AM
In a 24hr period I broke my ceiling fan, the doors under the kitchen sink one broke, my dryer isn't working & my maintenance required light on my car came on...FML!
Please someone make it stop!!!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: CJF on September 22, 2015, 01:37:33 PM
I absolutely have no idea when a text exchange is supposed to end. Are we having a conversation? Do I inform the other person that I'm leaving?

This one made me laugh because this is soooo me. I always feel like I have to respond.  I don't want the other person to feel like they are being ignored :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: sunshinedaydreamz on September 23, 2015, 08:04:55 PM
A bit hesitent to write, being it's confessions of a widow.
Can widowers confess too ?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Tricia on September 23, 2015, 08:19:08 PM
Of course, @sunshinedaydreamz!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on September 23, 2015, 08:49:36 PM
Just like we women know we are included in the term "mankind", you widowers are always included in the term "widow". Confess away! If you get to read anything embarrassing, pathetic  or cringe worthy about us, we should have the same pleasure😉

My confession, I am going away for the weekend without kids and I hope the ferry breaks down Sunday so I dont have to come back!  I love my kids with every fiber of my being but I NEED to have a weekend of no responsibility.  I envy divorced people who get every other weekend off.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on September 23, 2015, 08:58:27 PM
From here in eastern PA where no one has been talking anything but the Papal visit for days, I say confess away! 

Here's mine:  I have a friend of the widower persuasion coming in town this weekend to visit and I left the mouse my cats killed earlier this week (outside) and plan to call on him to clean it up for me.  Yup, my feminism runs deep but dead vermin might be my limit.  (if you see this, because I know you're lurking around these parts, you're also going to have to help me move some heavy stuff ) :)) 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on September 23, 2015, 09:15:18 PM
Hah TS too funny! I don't do vermine either.  Mousetrap and all go in the garbage!  Nope, not doing it!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Quixote on September 23, 2015, 09:21:30 PM
Okay, another confession--  I don't iron, fold, or really put away laundry.  I usually leave it in the laundry bags and root out what I need.  I used to have nicer clothes, but I'm pretty much down to jeans, white tube socks and various t-shirts/knits.  If I go somewhere fancy (defined as "a place where someone brings food to your table"), I try to remember to wipe the barn dirt off my boots before I go.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on September 23, 2015, 09:32:26 PM
My confession tonight is... I'm in a pretty good place right now. That may change tomorrow, and I know it, but in this particular moment... I'm at peace with my life. I think I could say that.. right now, anyway... I'm happy. And I feel a little guilty about it, like I don't deserve to be happy and still have a place to come for hugs and support and everything that this community gives me. Thank you all.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: CherrY on September 24, 2015, 03:11:33 AM
He was a mechanic. So I stop in front of every auto repair I pass by, close my eyes and embrace the smell. For just a second it's like he just came back from work and I can almost here him yelling "Hi honey, I'm home."
I also regularly find an excuse to take my car there. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lovedroses on September 24, 2015, 08:56:06 PM
He was a mechanic. So I stop in front of every auto repair I pass by, close my eyes and embrace the smell. For just a second it's like he just came back from work and I can almost here him yelling "Hi honey, I'm home."
I also regularly find an excuse to take my car there.

OMG, me too!!!  I actually look forward to getting the oil change or (happy happy joy joy) a warranty recall.  It smells like my sweetie's hug when he got home from work.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: donswife on September 26, 2015, 10:34:18 PM
I also took up smoking Don's cigars ...just love the smell
I know bad habit but at this point don't care
I will confess I see men that look like my don ,shaved heads,bright yellow shirts (he was a dpw worker )
and I am have been so tempted to stop and just ask for a donnie hug
plus right now wearing his flannel shirt 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gretchen437 on October 06, 2015, 02:48:35 PM
I've been pretty lonely missing my DH lately, but mostly loving living in my new town close to family. Only problem is the unexpected drop ins. For example today I was attempting to get a quick O before my kids got home from school when the door bell rings with my MIL at the door. Quickly throwing on a pair of pants and slamming my comp closed and rushing to the door took me a bit longer than expected, leading to a disappointing look on my MIL's face when I opened the door.  :-[
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on October 09, 2015, 07:37:01 PM
I would love a foot massage. Maybe I can sweet talk one of my daughters into giving me one. :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on October 22, 2015, 10:01:27 PM
I hate doing homework with my kids. I just want to get home from work take off my work clothes put on pj's and watch TV... (sigh)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on October 23, 2015, 02:18:02 PM
In a related confession, I send my daughter to the aftercare program at her school even on days when I don't have to because the kids do their homework first thing there and it is always done when I pick her up and then I don't have to deal with it.....bad mommy. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: klim on October 23, 2015, 05:39:16 PM
I just poured my beer over ice because I couldn't wait for it to cool down in the refridgerator.....or even the freezer


Edited to add: I've only go through about half a dozen beer a month  so not really showing alcoholic tendancies.....just felt like I was a tad impatient for my friday beer this week!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: serpico on October 23, 2015, 11:48:53 PM
I just poured my beer over ice because I couldn't wait for it to cool down in the refridgerator.....or even the freezer


Edited to add: I've only go through about half a dozen beer a month  so not really showing alcoholic tendancies.....just felt like I was a tad impatient for my friday beer this week!

Next time roll the can in ice water. Works like a charm!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jess on October 24, 2015, 11:04:15 PM
15 months later and I still leave my tv on in the living room 24/7 so I don'the have to come home to a quiet house.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: donswife on October 25, 2015, 07:42:06 AM
I keep looking online for a house far away on a lake
and in my head make plans to pack up and just go ......
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on October 25, 2015, 09:59:51 AM
Don't worry, Donswife, I've managed to create a pretty real (in my mind only) delusional parallel life where I actually live in a little brick row home in south Philadelphia where I can live with no car, buy all of my food at the little shops near by and spend my weekends in city parks or walking along the river or taking the train to the shore or going to museums and shows and street fairs.  I could go on - this alternate universe is highly elaborate and crystal clear in my mind.....sadly, only in my mind for the time being...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on October 25, 2015, 11:30:25 AM
I confessed this one to my son last night, sometimes I just want to be left alone to sit on my couch and veg in silence. If my kids are invading my space I turn on bad reality shows like the Kardashians and it clears the room in 2 seconds! Then I can turn something interesting back on.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Sugarbell on October 25, 2015, 12:15:35 PM


I am in need of another adult only trip/weekend. Love my kids dearly...but every weekend NG and I shuffle kids activities, parties, they go with us to dinner/movies and we have to hide in the garage late at night to have sex.

We haven't had alone time since Vegas....That was in July I think. 

I also enjoy my 8 year old daughters company better than my preteen sons.

Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on October 25, 2015, 01:21:45 PM
I let my daughter have Doritos at lunch solely because I wanted Doritos myself.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on October 25, 2015, 07:18:02 PM
My daughter's therapist is like my BFF.  She'll ostensibly call about scheduling a meeting but then we're on the phone for another 45 minutes talking about her latest river cruise in Europe or this or that show she's seen most recently at a museum.  B.F.F.s.  She's 70 and her own daughters are my age.  Again, life is strange.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: trying2breathe on October 26, 2015, 10:54:02 AM
Every once in awhile I have a dud of a day, accomplishing absolutely nothing.   

Yesterday was one of those days - I stayed in jammies, ate junk food and watched endless episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.   
Ugghhh.   
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Justin on October 27, 2015, 01:15:17 PM
Don't worry, Donswife, I've managed to create a pretty real (in my mind only) delusional parallel life where I actually live in a little brick row home in south Philadelphia where I can live with no car, buy all of my food at the little shops near by and spend my weekends in city parks or walking along the river or taking the train to the shore or going to museums and shows and street fairs.  I could go on - this alternate universe is highly elaborate and crystal clear in my mind.....sadly, only in my mind for the time being...

This is pretty funny, because I went through a period where I was obsessed with tiny houses. I would fantasized about living in the woods, with my own compound: my tiny house, a tiny guest cottage for when my daughter would visit, with a third common structure for dining/entertaining occasionally with a full kitchen. Living off the grid, or as near to it as I could. Saturdays spent chopping wood for my wood-burning stove. A real hermit's life.

Then, I fell in love again and realized I didn't want to be Thoreau :-)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on October 27, 2015, 02:04:48 PM
My birthday is coming up next week and I'm going to Las Vegas it's an all girls trip and I want to wear a shirt that says "spank me it's my birthday"  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Guaruj on October 27, 2015, 04:31:04 PM
Don't worry, Donswife, I've managed to create a pretty real (in my mind only) delusional parallel life where I actually live in a little brick row home in south Philadelphia where I can live with no car, buy all of my food at the little shops near by and spend my weekends in city parks or walking along the river or taking the train to the shore or going to museums and shows and street fairs.  I could go on - this alternate universe is highly elaborate and crystal clear in my mind.....sadly, only in my mind for the time being...

This is pretty funny, because I went through a period where I was obsessed with tiny houses. I would fantasized about living in the woods, with my own compound: my tiny house, a tiny guest cottage for when my daughter would visit, with a third common structure for dining/entertaining occasionally with a full kitchen. Living off the grid, or as near to it as I could. Saturdays spent chopping wood for my wood-burning stove. A real hermit's life.

This is pretty much what I did for the first several months. Catherine and I used to watch a Canadian TV show called Survivorman (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorman). Each week, the host chose a different wilderness locale to live in alone for 7 days. He took all the camera gear with him and had an ostensibly random assortment of items to survive with. He always built shelter, started fires and foraged for food.

After Catherine died, I watched a lot of TV, including Survivorman. I went to sleep each night imagining that I was sleeping in a tiny makeshift shelter that I had built in the woods.

|+|  M a r k  |+|
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Guaruj on October 27, 2015, 05:16:39 PM
I have a "lonely widower" confession of my own to make.

My co-worker is an amateur classical pianist. He invited me to see him perform at a group recital weekend. At first I begged off since I don't listen to classical music and typically do other things on Sundays. I later changed my mind, though, because this was an opportunity to meet new people.

I arrived at this public hall on Sunday and was surprised to find a nearly full house. I didn't meet any one who was single, though. A woman sat down in front of me with her husband. Since everyone was seated in folding chairs, I could see she was wearing jeans without a belt. She also seemed to be on a commando mission (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_commando).

So, I confess that I was distracted by the moon (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mooning) as it waxed and waned (https://www.google.com/search?biw=1166&bih=883&site=webhp&q=What+is+a+waxing+and+waning+moon%3F) through selected opuses of Brahms and Chopin. All I could do was smile and listen to the music.

My co-worker played his two pieces very well.  And though I didn't make any new friends that day, I was entertained beyond my expectations.

|+|  M a r k  |+|
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on October 27, 2015, 05:43:20 PM
Don't worry, Donswife, I've managed to create a pretty real (in my mind only) delusional parallel life where I actually live in a little brick row home in south Philadelphia where I can live with no car, buy all of my food at the little shops near by and spend my weekends in city parks or walking along the river or taking the train to the shore or going to museums and shows and street fairs.  I could go on - this alternate universe is highly elaborate and crystal clear in my mind.....sadly, only in my mind for the time being...

This is pretty funny, because I went through a period where I was obsessed with tiny houses. I would fantasized about living in the woods, with my own compound: my tiny house, a tiny guest cottage for when my daughter would visit, with a third common structure for dining/entertaining occasionally with a full kitchen. Living off the grid, or as near to it as I could. Saturdays spent chopping wood for my wood-burning stove. A real hermit's life.

This is pretty much what I did for the first several months. Catherine and I used to watch a Canadian TV show called Survivorman (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorman). Each week, the host chose a different wilderness locale to live in alone for 7 days. He took all the camera gear with him and had an ostensibly random assortment of items to survive with. He always built shelter, started fires and foraged for food.

After Catherine died, I watched a lot of TV, including Survivorman. I went to sleep each night imagining that I was sleeping in a tiny makeshift shelter that I had built in the woods.

I like to mix it up a bit with my escapist fantasies....

In addition to the (actually somewhat plausible) Philadelphia delusion, there is the scrap it all, move to idyllic small town somewhere like Burlington, VT and become master artisanal vegan cheese maker (my delusions are also pretty specific. know thyself).

There is the disturbing go back to school for another graduate degree (disturbing because it took me 10 years to get the one I do have).  I actually just made a dinner date with an older single Mom friend who did just this when her kids were the same age as mine is.  That's how far I'm willing to take these fantasies...there's no way I'm going back to school; since I teach college, I'm already (or still) technically going to school.

Then there is the liquidate all world possessions, pack up child and start over someplace random like Porto, Portugal or Managua, Nicaragua or Korcula, Croatia (this list, too, is long) live by the beach, soak up sun, watch stars, read all of the great books, learn language, drink lots of coffee and wine....

Shall I go on? 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: twistedmensa on October 27, 2015, 05:59:44 PM
I love the off the grid, tiny house fantasy. I'm already a hermit. Even when I was married, I would take off for a couple of weeks at a time to go "gorilla camping" just to recharge enough to face civilization. I like solitude. But my kids need me to be present...so the fantasy will have to wait a few years.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mr C on October 30, 2015, 01:39:09 AM
Then there is the liquidate all world possessions, pack up child and start over someplace random like Porto, Portugal or Managua, Nicaragua or Korcula, Croatia (this list, too, is long) live by the beach, soak up sun, watch stars, read all of the great books, learn language, drink lots of coffee and wine....

Shall I go on?

I like the way you think. If it were my daughter who was the youngest child, we would probably be living in Costa Rica right now. Instead she is chasing her dreams as a musical theater student in New York City. I have suggested to my son that we should move to England and follow the premier league or better yet move to some Mexican coastal village and surf every day. But he just wants to stay here. I think of different locals around the world that I could possibly live when DS gets out of high school in a few years.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: gracelet on October 30, 2015, 05:11:39 AM
My birthday is coming up next week and I'm going to Las Vegas it's an all girls trip and I want to wear a shirt that says "spank me it's my birthday"  ;D

Do it!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on November 06, 2015, 05:46:42 PM
I am trying to force my brain into a more positive mindset-- every time I tell myself "no one will ever want me again," I stop and correct it to "someone, somewhere, might possibly want me someday." But I don't really believe it. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't even want to think about it. So why the hell can't I just STOP???
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Max2507 on November 07, 2015, 08:28:09 PM
Is it wrong to be excited that I am ahead of the game for Christmas because my tree (artificial) is already up given that it is already up because I didn't take it down last year?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on November 19, 2015, 12:52:23 AM
It has been two years since I hugged and kissed my mom. I miss her so much.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Wife of Tomasz on November 24, 2015, 04:07:33 PM
I threw out his cigarette buds from the ash tray and then really regretted it. Wish I kept them.
After years of telling him that smoking is bad for his health... I started smoking to feel closer to him. Get a coffee in the morning( the way he had it) and have a smoke. As if replicating his habits brings me closer to him.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: lcoxwell on November 27, 2015, 04:13:01 PM
I threw out his cigarette buds from the ash tray and then really regretted it. Wish I kept them.

I can so relate to this! I hated that Kenneth smoked, and wanted him to quit for years. The last thing I saw him doing, before he died, though, was to light up a cigarette and to hug our daughter. For the longest time, I left his ash tray sitting, just as he left it. I could not bring myself to throw out the ashes and cigarette butts, no matter how hard I tried. Eventually, I ended up taking the last one to ever touch his lips and placed it in a baggie. I put the baggie inside his coat pocket, and bagged them all up together. I never did empty that ash tray, though. When I moved, I made my son take care of it.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Karin on November 30, 2015, 06:08:31 PM
When I called to deal with Eddie's outstanding credit card balance and learned that I have to pay exactly ZERO of it, I was surprised and initially elated to not have that burden to worry about . . . .then quickly ticked that I had put the $2K plus it cost to reach the out of pocket maximum for his recent hospital stay (before insurance covered the rest) on my card instead of his.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on December 02, 2015, 08:24:19 PM
I had two dates scheduled for today.  One flaked, and the other rescheduled.  Guess that's what I get for scheduling two in one day.  Ha!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: canadiangirl on December 03, 2015, 12:36:45 AM
This week, it will be two years since his death.  One of the ways that it is marking me is the realization that I've had things on my to-do list for two years now.   
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: stolendance on December 12, 2015, 03:26:54 PM
When I journal I sometimes make a list of what I have learned as a widow.. I think most points I have relate her:
              -I never really had a filter now I definitely don't and it kinda feels good.....  Example someone told me they thought it was a bit early to be dating and I said "unless your walking in my shows I don't think you get an opinion". They were speechless.
             -I have to stop myself from glaring at couples that grocery shop. I think its because my husband always joked about couples that grocery shop and now it just pisses me off...

-I hate the feeling of how some things in the past were signs of the future....
    1. We just bought a place close to our cities main hospital. The entire summer I always looked at the hospital and thought of it as the ugliest building I had ever seen....I even mentioned it to him numerous times. Little did I know he would die there in the fall.
   2. Two psychics during the duration of our marriage told me I would be a widow. It pissed me off then and really makes me mad now.
   3. This isn't something from the past but just kinda a funny way of how the unknown works but occurs for a reason... An ex boyfriend who my husband never really liked & showed up at my husbands memorial (the husband would have been mad)... got remarried the day my husband died. My therapist says thats someone ensure we never reconnect. I think its funny.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TheOtherHalf on December 12, 2015, 05:43:07 PM
Kinda late here, and sorry, I only read the last post, and I read it several times, because it really elicited something in me and I wanted to make sure that all the questions I fire off makes sense, at least to me, if not stolendance.

You don't have to answer them here, but if they strike a cord, then in the silence of your heart. Or you could answer here, whatever suits. :)

How do you feel about the idea that your husband stuck around just long enough to make sure you didn't hook up with him?
Why do you suppose he didn't like that ex?
How do you feel about the answers?

If I may, I want to offer a widow confession. I confess I am thankful that the online dating vent thread was started. Because for the very first time ever, I asked myself the question: Is it possible these days, to date, but not date the guys you dated in the past? Can you believe I never asked myself this, and might never have, had not that thread been started? So thank you to the poster who started it. I should have looked up the name before starting this post, but I wanted to post all this while my mind still had a grasp on the salient points.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on January 07, 2016, 02:30:57 PM
I pure, straight, hate my job.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on January 07, 2016, 03:45:51 PM
I pure, straight, hate my job.

Sometimes I do too! I saw this quote on FB: "I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!" ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsT85 on January 07, 2016, 06:16:35 PM
The only parts of my life that have brought me any joy lately have been my cats.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on January 07, 2016, 09:31:34 PM
Yesterday I went back to bed after my daughters got on the bus. I woke up at 2pm. My youngest daughter gets home from school at 2:30.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: linda5 on January 07, 2016, 09:35:44 PM
My 45 year old boss thought he was having a heart attack at work and called on me.  I remained calm, called 911, and took care of him.  The only reason I was able to remain calm and keep him calm was that I was thinking to myself, "Is this all you can throw at me?  I've seen worse.  You're still breathing and my DH died." 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: ladybug on January 08, 2016, 04:52:08 AM
It has been almost eight summers that I have been widowed.   This year I am going to seriously look for a good man.

I am tired of being alone all the time.   I don't share this in real life.....no one would understand.

I am working on myself.   I see a future and I am not so sad.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on January 25, 2016, 11:44:50 AM
Nope. Can't do it anymore. I quit. No amount of self-care or working on me can fix what's wrong. I've stopped wishing for death, but I think longingly of somehow acquiring a case of amnesia. I would love to start over as a whole new person-- no past, no grief, no fear of an endlessly empty future.

I'm okay... but I'm not. I don't want to be a wid anymore. I want this s*** out of my head for good.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on January 25, 2016, 02:40:55 PM
The better my boyfriend treats me the angrier I find myself at Dan. Lately I've been thinking more and more about the ways he hurt me. I had a meltdown at Lowes on Saturday because buying a dishwasher with a toddler in tow became overwhelming. And then I went to my parking lot and sobbed. I sobbed thinking about how much he hurt me, and how I feel so utterly betrayed. I've been thinking about the things he made me feel bad about, the concessions he refused to make. Wondering how much of that was his drinking, and how much of it was him. I know a lot of people find themselves comparing their new loves to their late spouses, but I'm finding it to be the other way around. Which isn't fair. It's not fair to compare someone who was in a comfortable relationship with me for many years to someone who is new and infatuated, putting his best foot forward. But sometimes NG says or does something, and I think, that's awesome, Dan would have never done that. And I know sometimes people put their late spouses on a pedestal, and I think I did that for a time, but now maybe I'm doing the opposite. Maybe things weren't as bad as I'm remembering. But then I come back to, he drank so much that he died, and now I have to take care of our child and our dogs by myself and live with this trauma, with these horrific memories. And I know it was a disease but I am still so fucking angry. And these memories, these thoughts and images seem to be pushing those of missing him out the way and coming to the front of the line. And it's making me all griefy in a way haven't been as much since I started dating my boyfriend. Because by and large, he makes it easier. I feel like I'm not supposed to say that but he does.

Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: fairlanegirl on January 25, 2016, 06:02:49 PM
Because by and large, he makes it easier. I feel like I'm not supposed to say that but he does.
I know what you mean. Yes, without my new fellow I'd still be better than 5 years ago, and we widow/ers need to be strong as individuals, but being loved again has also helped me a lot. I consider myself a feminist, but it is only human.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on January 25, 2016, 06:13:38 PM
MrsD, I try to remind myself that I'm no longer the person I was all of those years ago.  I've grown and learned from what life has dished out to me.  I have struggled - and suspect I will continue to struggle - with allowing someone to love me just as I am and to trust that he isn't going to let me down. Anger has not been one of my chief emotions but fear has been.  I will say that I've wondered how I could compromise the way that I did in my marriage.  Put up with some of the shit that I did.  But it doesn't matter now because that is over.  I try to tell myself it is only about what comes next that matters and that we did the best we could when we were married and now, it is about something else, no striving, just loving and living and being ok.  I also want you to know that falling in love again has been both an incredible adventure and a trial by fire as I sort myself out.  Part of the joy of this new journey has been allowing myself to feel again and that is tough work but so far also worth it in kind.  All my love. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Bunny on January 25, 2016, 06:48:08 PM
Oh, MrsDan...there was SO MUCH  in your confession I wanted to quote, that I related to. Dating my boyfriend has really pushed my husband off his pedestal- because the honest truth is that this relationship is just easier, in so many ways.

 I can't tell you how many one-sided heated conversations I've had with my husband about this! Anger at him for not getting his rage issues under better control, angry at myself for putting up with more than I should have. It got to the point where I found it almost impossible to feel any of the good stuff, access any of the good memories- I just started fixating on every shitty thing he'd ever said or done. It's been very, very painful- and a different kind of grief I can't explain, can't seem to get a good handle on. God, I wish I could afford therapy!!!

It's only been quite recently, 18 months into my angerfest, that I've felt any kind of relief.  My conversations with him have finally begun to mellow as I work my way towards fully understanding and accepting our marriage- both the ugly parts and the sublime. Because it's not fair, to either of us, to ignore one or the other. one doesn't have to cancel out the other completely. I don't know....maybe, for me, I needed to let myself feel all that anger. But, fuck, it's been exhausting. And frustrating.

i do know this much- wherever he is, if he is aware of my life now, I know he is happy to see me with someone who brings me so much joy, who has helped to ease my grief, and who takes such very good care of me.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Guaruj on January 25, 2016, 08:19:22 PM
But sometimes NG says or does something, and I think, that's awesome, Dan would have never done that.

Is there some way you can return the favor to your boyfriend? That is, can you do something that simply makes him happy, just to let him know how happy he is making you? I belief he would feel very much encouraged if you did that. Under those circumstances, the two of you should be very happy together. And being that happy would leave you less time for feeling angry over your husband's reckless behavior.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on January 26, 2016, 02:52:20 PM
Guaruj?, what I'm finding is that the happier I am with my boyfriend, the angrier I am with Dan. I have shared with him a bit if this, and that some of my feelings probably seem really fucked up. He said, no, they seem perfectly normal to him, but he also understands why they would feel like a mind fuck to me. I have shared with him how happy he makes me, said things and made small gestures that I know he appreciates. It's not a question of time really. The trauma of Dan's addiction pushes his way in. I will say, to your point, when we're together, I'm not thinking of these things, or if I am, it's in a way that I can talk about them rationally. It's only other times, especially when I'm stressed that these thoughts intrude. And there just happen to be a lot more of those times than the times we get to spend together, because we're both very busy and each have a child.

 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on January 26, 2016, 08:38:48 PM
MrsDan, i went through a period in the early months of my chapter 2 relationship that I became very angry with DH.  Our problems were not as severe as alcoholism but there were problems that became all the more obvious when I was in a relationship that didn't have those same issues.  I also was always fine when NG and I were together but my mind would turn on me when I was alone and overthinking everything.  I think some of my anger was misplaced guilt that I was so happy with another man.  Some of it was feeling like we had wasted the time we had when he was alive.  The good news is that my anger with DH has eased up and my new relationship may be better in some ways but not in others.  I'm at the point where I am mostly accepting that the 2 relationships are separate and different.  It's ok if NG makes me happier in some ways and it's ok if I miss DH for who he was in my life for over 20 years. 

I don't have any answers really but I think that if you acknowledge the way you are feeling and continue to try to be "in the moment" with Boyfriend, time will level off the negative thoughts. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on January 27, 2016, 12:07:02 PM
Thanks Trying. I really appreciate your perspective.

In other news, I still really, really hate my job. I'm still cleaning up messes I inherited, and cleaning up messes I made myself because I didn't really know what I was doing. I have been completely unmotivated lately. I have so much to do, both at work and at home and I just don't want to do any of it. I have a cold, so maybe that's why it seems especially bad today.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Captains wife on January 27, 2016, 12:28:24 PM
My moods just seem worse as a widow...and my concentration at work : (
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on January 28, 2016, 07:11:49 AM
Sex feels good, but it makes me miss my husband even more.  This sucks.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TormentedTwoStep on January 29, 2016, 11:09:26 AM
Sex feels good, but it makes me miss my husband even more.  This sucks.

Really?  I seem to recall that it feels good, but it's been so long I can hardly remember.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on February 23, 2016, 08:58:51 AM
Last night I told my teenagers I was going to the gym, but I actually went to my new guy's house to 'work out' with him. Dating with children makes things interesting lol.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: fuchsiasky on February 23, 2016, 06:02:43 PM
1.  I can't figure out how to shop for groceries cause I don't know what to buy.  I always had to consider Rob's needs and now its just me and DD.  I don't even know what the two of us like to eat!
2.  I want to attack hug every man I know.  I just miss being held so much.
3.  My house is a disaster!  I just can't even. 
4.  DD spends much of her time playing on the tablet cause its an escape for her.  And I let her cause she misses her daddy so much.  And then I escape into my phone.  We are becoming screen addicts. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on February 24, 2016, 12:47:44 PM
My bed is full of stuffed toys. I can't help myself. I've got a bunny, a hedgehog, an otter, a kitty, a husky, two Ugly Dolls, a Worry Doll, a tiny dog, a baby seal that belonged to my grandmother, and the teddy bear my grandpa gave me when I was two. I also have Sven and Kristoff from Frozen, and I was super excited yesterday when I found Anna and Elsa at a thrift store. Even if somebody wanted to share my bed (which no one does, or likely ever will), there wouldn't be room. :-\
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on February 24, 2016, 03:40:23 PM
Jen, You know the pile of mail, papers, etc that many folks have on their table or a counter somewhere? My pile sits on my one side of my bed, along with my bills binder, etc.. It is out of sight of others since I'm the only one in my bedroom and it fills in the empty space that I can't stand to look at. My trouble is the cats like to lie on the piles and get them out of order, as well as sometimes wrinkled. We do what gets us by. Your bed sounds much more snuggly.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on February 24, 2016, 03:47:27 PM
I have never lived in such a dirty house in my life.  Cobwebs ha I just don't look at them :) I haven't washed my windows in over 2 yrs.  Just don't care.  I wouldn't tell anyone this but y'all :)  Guess I am going to have to clean now since I'm prepping to sell
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Wheelerswife on February 24, 2016, 05:23:26 PM
I haven't washed my windows in over 2 yrs.

We are supposed to wash windows?

Maureen
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on February 24, 2016, 08:06:23 PM
My voicemail is almost completely full, of messages from my husband that I can't erase, because you know, he's dead, and my boyfriend, which I won't erase, because, you know, he could die too.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mr C on February 24, 2016, 11:57:04 PM
My voicemail is almost completely full, of messages from my husband that I can't erase, because you know, he's dead, and my boyfriend, which I won't erase, because, you know, he could die too.

If you have an iPhone, get iExplorer to save voicemails and texts to your computer.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on February 25, 2016, 12:17:31 AM
I'm not very tech savvy. I played the messages out loud and recorded them with the sound recorder on my laptop. Then I made back up copies of them. I only had a few that were on an old answering machine as I had cleared the messages off my phone right before T passed away. They are pretty precious to me, though.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on February 25, 2016, 07:08:38 AM
My boyfriend has offered to help me back them up, as well as get in Dan's locked phone (yeah, that's just the kind of guy he is). But I think there's a part of me that just likes having them on my phone.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrskro on February 25, 2016, 07:41:14 AM
Jen;  I'm with you on filling up the other side of the bed.  Mine is filled with clean unfolded clothes.  The kids have to come in everyday looking for their stuff to wear.

Windows have to be washed??? :-P
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian53 on February 25, 2016, 09:02:37 AM
There is something wrong with me- I wash the windows every two weeks. All of them.
Marian
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: mmg19 on February 25, 2016, 09:16:56 AM
Thank you Marian53 for the confession.  Windows every two weeks for me too.  I confess childhood habits are permanent.  Sheets every week, windows every two weeks, and refrigerator before getting groceries. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian53 on February 25, 2016, 09:56:35 AM
old habits?  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on February 25, 2016, 01:07:06 PM
Windows every 2 weeks? You ladies rock!! I'm pretty sure my grandmother who raised me is looking down on me in horror and wondering if I've forgotten everything she ever taught me about housekeeping. I remember that we used to iron sheets and pillow cases growing up. I don't even iron my clothing very often any more (but I do have a steamer I use, as well as the dewrinkling spray). My husband usually did the ironing as he was better at it. In my pursuit to get every single wrinkle, I tend to press new ones in.

I bow to your window cleaning commitment!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: smm on February 25, 2016, 02:37:40 PM
I am in awe of the window cleaners here!
Window cleaning wasn't my job (nor the ironing ... I'm happy with wrinkled clothes) so they haven't been done in nearly two and a half years. There are horse prints on the outside of some windows and dog prints on the inside of others.

Am I a totally slovenly  person or does the fact my cooker is clean redeem me?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian53 on February 25, 2016, 03:45:39 PM
Well, that depends- how clean is your fridge, sim? ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: smm on February 25, 2016, 03:56:30 PM
My fridge is surprisingly, actually astoundingly, clean. Although, I do have some sweet potatoes lurking at the bottom of the vegetable drawer that I keep forgetting to use!

By beloved OH would be gobsmacked at my ongoing domestication. That should tell you how domestic I am ....
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: donswife on February 25, 2016, 05:35:04 PM
I do a lot of angry vacuuming , does that count
very impressed with all the window washing , may try angry window washing next time
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on February 25, 2016, 07:46:48 PM
I once found 9 used coffee mugs on the floor of my car.  Not to go cups - just ceramic mugs.  That was probably two years ago and I'll also admit that it hasn't improved that much since then. 

Type-B about the domesticity side of life...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: momtokam on February 25, 2016, 08:35:05 PM
I once found 9 used coffee mugs on the floor of my car.  Not to go cups - just ceramic mugs.  That was probably two years ago and I'll also admit that it hasn't improved that much since then. 

Type-B about the domesticity side of life...

Can there be a lower level than Type B??? 😨
Not sure I can be at B level....
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on February 25, 2016, 08:41:34 PM
smm,

I am so intrigued by the horse prints on the outside of your windows. Do your horses come look into the windows of your house? Are you speaking of nose prints or actual footprints? I love horses - find them so beautiful. Alas I'm afraid of heights so never really enjoyed riding, but I do enjoy loving on them.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: twistedmensa on February 26, 2016, 01:44:41 AM
It's been so long since I've opened the shutters, I'm not entirely sure I even have windows.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Damiansinc on February 26, 2016, 06:14:56 AM
Confession: The day I placed Sara in a nursing home I came home to find out my house was (and clearly had been) fully infested by fleas.  :o I mean everywhere. I was too blind by stress to even notice before.

So clean...yeah...you'd think that experience would have inspired me to wash my windows a little more. Alas, no. I did buy a roomba and love it!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on February 27, 2016, 08:42:30 AM
Haha love all this window washing talk! 
ALD, what's a roomba?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on February 27, 2016, 04:42:55 PM
ALD, what's a roomba?

A round vacuuming robot. Cleans a room then docks to charge. You can program it to clean at any time.

A roomba does more than clean. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Epytc4wMJ5Y
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on February 27, 2016, 05:37:39 PM
In our house the mere mention of a Roomba mandates watching this video.  We've seen it a thousand times, I think.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian53 on February 27, 2016, 08:47:57 PM
This video is my go-to safe place. I also wish that I lived next door to these people. I also ahve introduced many people to this video. When you get around to reading Infinite Jest, Toosoon, you will really, really love this video. Ok, watching again?
xoxo
Marian
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian53 on February 27, 2016, 08:58:52 PM
Oh you guys, I am not a type A clean freak- it is just when i am really upset, or angry, or?fill in the blanks- I clean. cleaning calms me, because I  am the eldest of seven and it was a way to control.
And then, because life is weird and to keep it interesting, I watch dust or as my mum called it "slut's wool  " grow under the bed. Then I clean again. But certain things such as windows and fridges and bathrooms I need really clean. Odd. But then again, I don't know too many women who grwe up being gruoped with her sisters as " a bunch of filthy sluts". Gotta love the Irish.
Marian
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on February 27, 2016, 09:05:29 PM
Okay, that was just bizarre, yet entertaining. I love how all the animals act as if it is a normal everyday occurrence.

I've thought about getting a Roomba, but I figured my cats would be terrified of it. I hadn't considered they could actually terrify with it.

Thanks for sharing the video. I must share with my kids.

Marian, my cats clean under my beds for me. Actually it is more that they are a notification system that it is time to clean under them again. Especially the black one, as the dust really shows on him.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian53 on February 27, 2016, 09:10:20 PM
Soverysad, that is too funny- the cat acting as a duster of sorts?yes, that's what I love about the vid as well- this is everyday life in that household?I keep thinking about wrestling my Siamese into a little shark costume but he won't even entertain a little bow at Christmas?the dog, on the other hand, will wear anything.  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on February 28, 2016, 07:32:47 AM
Where the heck have I been?  I'm getting a roomba! :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Suki1 on February 28, 2016, 05:20:31 PM
Thanks, TooSoon, for posting the Roomba link. I haven't laughed so hard since my husband was alive.

If you like cats, check out the "Dear Kitten" videos from BuzzFeed, in which an adult cat teaches a kitten about the ways of the household. The videos are ads for Friskies, but you almost wouldn't know it, as Friskies only enters into them at the very end.
 

 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on February 29, 2016, 02:11:30 AM
Suki1,

I love those "Dear Kitten" videos as well. Very funny!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TormentedTwoStep on March 02, 2016, 08:43:50 AM
A bar opened up across the street from me last month.  I eat most of my meals there now since I can't stand to go to the grocery or cook for one.  If it's quiet and the bartender isn't too busy, I order enough food for two and as her to split my supper with me.  That way I don't have to eat alone, and I'm guaranteed to have in person, adult conversation with at least one live human being each day.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MissingMyJon on March 04, 2016, 12:31:36 AM
It has been 20 months since DH died, and I still have grocery store issues.  Food issues in general.  I make food every night for my kids.  But it is for my kids.  I have yet to have any real food cravings except maybe peanut butter.  I like peanut butter.  I don't know what to make, and most nights it is chicken salad and crackers, peanut butter and crackers, or a sandwich.  The only time I have real dinner meal is when I am with other people.  How hard can it be to figure out what food I want to eat? 

And speaking of cleaning, I have dusted my ceiling fan blades since Jon died.  And I have ceiling fans in every room in the house :)  I am almost afraid to dust them now, worried what creepy crawly thing might be decaying in the dust blanket on those blades.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrskro on March 07, 2016, 07:49:41 AM
Does it count as washing the windows if I had my darling children do it this weekend?   ;)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Damiansinc on March 07, 2016, 08:46:51 AM
Does it count as washing the windows if I had my darling children do it this weekend?   ;)

YES!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian53 on March 07, 2016, 11:06:06 AM
Yes it does!  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TormentedTwoStep on March 07, 2016, 12:53:18 PM
It's been well over a year since I've had anything resembling a loving touch or a hug that was anything more than momentary and platonic.  It's been over 2.5 years since I've had sex (I know some here have suffered much longer).  I feel like I'm suffocating without human touch.  This past weekend, I looked on the backpage website looking for *ahem* services-just to ask if they would hold my hand and let me hold them for an hour or so.  And then I abandoned the idea and was ashamed of myself for considering such an unethical action.  When you're hungry you eat.  When you're thirsty, you drink.  When you're winded, you breathe.  But when you need to feel the physical manifestation of love-there is nothing when you don't have someone letting you love them.  No wonder older people die shortly after a spouse dies so often.  I wish I weren't so young and healthy somedays-and I feel guilty for cursing the blessing I have.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on March 07, 2016, 05:53:39 PM
Tormented,

Human touch is really important, especially for those who are touchy/feely. Some people don't really like much physical touch, but if you shared a lot of physical contact with your spouse, it is hard to just suddenly stop receiving it. It seems like an essential nutrient that is now missing. Your timing posting this was interesting as yesterday I was just thinking about hiring a man just to hold me tight - nothing sexual. With my luck I'd be caught and charged with soliciting or something. T used to do this thing when I felt like things were falling apart. He would wrap his arms and as much of his body as he could tightly around me and just hold me tightly. It literally felt like he was putting all the parts of me that felt like they were falling apart back together in me - squeezing all of me back into place. I really miss it, as I'm really struggling right now with everything feeling like despite all my efforts everything I've been working on is falling apart. I'm thinking surely there is a guy out there somewhere that could use some extra gas or fun money. It would cost less than a counseling session and likely do more good.

Sending you a useless but well-intentioned hug...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on March 08, 2016, 06:34:15 AM
Meeting up with a guy today that I've been seeing regularly , but I was talking to two other guys last night. I'm not in a committed relationship, so I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do a little bit.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on March 09, 2016, 05:28:07 AM
How about booking a session with a licensed massage therapist? We need all kinds of touch, not just sexual.  In my early widow days I had several massages just because I needed the calming connection of touch.  Now I am in massage therapy school!  Having someone spend an hour where the only intent is to make you feel relaxed is really wonderful not to mention they can work out any kinks in the muscles too.

FYI if you have a massage school near you, you can probably get one pretty cheap. My school charges $20 for 50 minutes with us students and no tipping is allowed, a great deal!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on March 16, 2016, 07:39:12 AM
I didn't have to change the wall clock in my bedroom when we switched times this past weekend. I had never changed it the last time we switched, so it is back on time now. I meant to do it many times, but was either too busy or just didn't care enough at the time to do it. I'm not sure what that says about me.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jess on March 16, 2016, 08:53:38 AM
I didn't have to change the wall clock in my bedroom when we switched times this past weekend. I had never changed it the last time we switched, so it is back on time now. I meant to do it many times, but was either too busy or just didn't care enough at the time to do it. I'm not sure what that says about me.

It says you should move to Arizona where we don't have daylight savings time... rebels.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on March 17, 2016, 06:38:58 AM
It's been 2 years and 1 month since my husband died and I still detest going to the grocery store alone.  I put it off as long as possible. I am going to force myself to go today.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on March 18, 2016, 04:42:52 PM
What is it about wids and the grocery store? At 2 1/2 years I still hate it and avoid it as long as possible. My husband and I never grocery shopped together so I don't have that trigger that some people do but I seem to always run into some acquaintance who I haven't seen in forever who wants to put a hand on my shoulder and ask " how are you and the boys REALLY doing?". I tend to shop with my head down which probably explains why I always forget something. 

Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on March 18, 2016, 05:08:47 PM
We had to have our cat euthanized today due to advanced cancer. She was a sweetheart and was literally in love with my husband. She spent every moment with him that she could. After he died, she grieved for him terribly. I felt such a kinship with her. I'm hoping they've been reunited now. There is a small part of me that is so envious of her.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: donswife on March 18, 2016, 06:07:12 PM
SVS- I am so sorry about your cat .
It amazes me how much our animals feel and do truly grieve
I hope your husband is enjoying being reunited with her and I am sorry you had to go through this
Not only having to lose you cat companion but losing another connection to your husband
take care
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Quixote on March 22, 2016, 07:47:06 PM
Losing animals is so darned rough, but if they had a connection with a lost spouse...My heart goes out to you I don't know what I'd do if I lost my dog.  I've put down one horse and lost a goat to coyotes, but they weren't around when my wife was.  Each time she does something I know my wife taught her, it's a piece of my wife that's still here. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on March 23, 2016, 11:25:30 AM
SVS, I'm so sorry about your cat... we lost two of Jim's babies last summer, and the only thing I could take comfort in was the idea that they romped straight across the Rainbow Bridge and into his arms.

My latest confession: I bought a new mobile phone that would support Skype just so I could facetime the (single) father of my son's best friend. He's an exhibitionist and, well, horndog who likes it when someone watches him, um... *blush* It's the closest thing to action I'm likely to get, and, no, there's no talk of actually hooking up. He just likes to show off, and in all honesty, he's got plenty to be proud of. ;) But I do so miss having a real guy to snuggle and, erm...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TalksToAngels on March 23, 2016, 06:06:45 PM
Jen it sounds like ur 3/4 there with this guy if that's what you want I say go for it
You never know, does one ?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrskro on March 24, 2016, 07:03:37 AM
Jen;  I agree with TalkstoAngels.   
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jess on March 24, 2016, 08:03:22 AM
I also agree, Jen. If you want it, bring it up... as it were. :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: serpico on March 24, 2016, 08:22:32 AM
Yeah, you can always give him, um, a hand or something  :o
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on March 24, 2016, 09:27:00 AM
Jen, I too agree!  I think you need to get on this one! ;)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Justin on March 24, 2016, 09:40:50 AM
Jen, I too agree!  I think you need to get on this one! ;)


Pun intended - pun delivered!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on March 24, 2016, 10:21:49 AM
Yeah, you can always give him, um, a hand or something  :o

I've offered, multiple times! Somehow our schedules never manage to sync up, and I refuse to chase anyone. If he wants anything more than an appreciative audience, he knows where I am (literally: his kid spends half his time at my house). My M.O. has consistently been to give and give and always end up with the short end of the stick, so to speak. I'm through casting my pearls before swine. ;)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TalksToAngels on March 24, 2016, 03:38:35 PM
He's all talk then you are right in not chasing it is totally beneath dignity
: )
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on March 24, 2016, 06:08:53 PM
You deserve the best Jen.  It (he) will happen.  You have a golden heart. Good for you for not being taken in by the retoric!  Big hugs!\
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: momtokam on March 24, 2016, 06:36:21 PM
Yeah, you can always give him, um, a hand or something  :o

I've offered, multiple times! Somehow our schedules never manage to sync up, and I refuse to chase anyone. If he wants anything more than an appreciative audience, he knows where I am (literally: his kid spends half his time at my house). My M.O. has consistently been to give and give and always end up with the short end of the stick, so to speak. I'm through casting my pearls before swine. ;)

Jen, he probably wouldn't live up to your expectations anyways. He's too full of himself to see the prize right in front of his face!

Some men are so clueless! Trust me, I have one with no clue, near me too!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on March 25, 2016, 09:54:49 PM
Stop being his audience Jen and see what happens.

My confession ... two possible dates tonight, but both flaked. I think I'm ready for a break. Lol  Why do they even bother texting or calling me? So frustrating!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on March 28, 2016, 08:12:08 AM
I am 39 years old and have a master's degree and I just called my mom to help me figure out how to file for an extension on my taxes.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on March 30, 2016, 01:40:10 PM
I did some naughty sexting last night, photos and videos. Definitely naughty, but fun!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TormentedTwoStep on March 30, 2016, 01:52:50 PM
I did some naughty sexting last night, photos and videos. Definitely naughty, but fun!

I sure wish you'd have had my number!  ;)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on March 30, 2016, 08:05:16 PM
I did some naughty sexting last night, photos and videos. Definitely naughty, but fun!

I sure wish you'd have had my number!  ;)

You won't need photos and videos after the bago. ;)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TalksToAngels on April 03, 2016, 05:38:58 PM
I had sex last night. 2 times.
Oh that was with my right hand, tommorow a twosome with my left.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on April 03, 2016, 08:45:43 PM
OMG TTA that's hilarious
Virgo, I sure hope you are joking about sending pics and videos. Once they are out there you can never get them back.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on April 04, 2016, 12:01:23 AM
OMG TTA that's hilarious
Virgo, I sure hope you are joking about sending pics and videos. Once they are out there you can never get them back.

Snap Chat, which alerts you to screen shots. No head shots.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: trying2breathe on April 04, 2016, 08:05:11 AM
Pissed that a Facebook friend for the past week has continuously detailed grief about her 86 y/o Dad's passing - 86 frickin' years old.   Uggh, give me a break   
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrskro on April 04, 2016, 11:04:49 AM
I can relate Trying.  My dad passed away in January I am struggling dealing with the continuous detailed grieving of my siblings.  especially since they couldn't be bothered with him in life.   
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: klim on April 11, 2016, 08:55:40 AM
I took the day off work today. It's the 3rd sadiversary.
 
The truth is I could have easily worked today , I'm beyond active greiving but....I'm not that enthused about work  lately and it was a day I could take off without anybody questioning me.

I'm taking a me day.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on April 11, 2016, 12:50:06 PM
I've been in my house almost 8 months and this past weekend was the first time I vacuumed the upstairs. On the plus side, I guess this means I picked a carpeting that really hides both black and white dog hairs.

I wish I could do my company credit card reconciliation without having to go on a massive hunt for the receipts. My confession is that last month I almost gave one I was sure I would lose to my assistant, and I actually didn't lose that one but lost another one instead.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: twistedmensa on April 12, 2016, 12:33:02 AM
I've been in my house almost 8 months and this past weekend was the first time I vacuumed the upstairs.


Solidarity! I've been in this house a year and have yet to completely mop my tile floors. :o

(In my defense, I have used my little Swiffer to spot clean areas that need some cleanup).... ;D

Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TalksToAngels on April 12, 2016, 06:07:58 AM
Paper towels and windex
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on April 12, 2016, 06:39:07 AM
I would literally give up everything I own (my children don't count since I don't own them) for one night of having T back to snuggle with, fall asleep in his arms, and most importantly, have his handsome face be my first sight in the morning.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TormentedTwoStep on April 12, 2016, 07:32:46 AM
I can relate, SVS.  My confession?  It's been well over a year since I've had a real kiss, and affectionate hug, or any sort of romantic touch.  I've been on plenty of dates, but none got to where any affection would take place.  I'm so starved for human touch, I hired an escort off craigslist last night just to come and hold my hand, snuggle, and talk to me for an hour.  About an hour before the appointment I came to my senses and cancelled.  I fear I'm beyond broken, which makes me beyond desirable.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on April 12, 2016, 03:55:07 PM
Terrible day today. That's understating. My confession ... I'm back to thinking 15 years from now my youngest will be 23. All three of my daughters will be adults.  I can be done.  I'm tired. Done feeling beaten down. I will endure whatever is to come for at least 15 years.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on April 18, 2016, 12:55:18 PM
First, hugs to you, Virgo!!!

Now my confession, I just started doing my taxes an hour ago. This is my first year that I have to stop claiming married or qualifying widow. I don't want to give up my married part of my identity. I still feel married, wear my rings, feel connected to my husband, but everything official wants to reclassify me before I'm ready to do it. So, I've held off out of...protest? Stupid I know, because now I'm down to the wire. Sigh...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: rifatheroffour on April 18, 2016, 03:24:43 PM
SVS, not stupid, ostrich like but bot stupid.  I've put off plenty because I just didn't want to think about.

Virgo, I get it.  4 years for me till the kids are out of High School, I just need to get them that far I think sometimes.  I confess that I have recently realized I do stupid things like not worry about inhaling fumes or dusts because who cares if I get sick, it just means I won't be here for another 30 to 40 years, and I could "live" with that.  I have agreed to try harder to not be careless.

Hugs to you both...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsT85 on April 18, 2016, 04:05:53 PM
SVS, not stupid, ostrich like but bot stupid.  I've put off plenty because I just didn't want to think about.


SVS, RIFF - how about this one - I've moved three times in the three years since he's been gone, and I still haven't cancelled our DirecTV account.  The damn dish hasn't been up since June '13 and I never actually set up "real" TV after he died (I stream everything via a Roku box and now my fiance's PS4). 

I used to have the excuse "My Mom and brother use my account to watch HBO-on-demand" but now that HBO split their streaming service off many many months ago I really only have inertia and a tenancy for avoidance to blame....
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on April 18, 2016, 06:04:22 PM
I have several things still in DHs name.  2 credit cards and our cable bill among others.  When I moved last summer I tried to change the cable to my name but they made it so difficult I just left it.  He gets lots of mail at our new address even though he never lived here.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: SoVerySad on April 19, 2016, 01:19:49 AM
Thank you guys for the support and understanding. But I can officially say now that it was definitely stupid to wait. I submitted them at 11:37 pm, way too close to midnight for my comfort. Lots of snags I didn't anticipate, etc.. But they are done.

It is a comfort to know I'm not the only one who puts things off, though.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: donswife on April 19, 2016, 07:17:08 AM
I still have dons magazines being delivered
just can't seem to get the energy to make another one of those phone calls
still in ostrich stage on some things
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on April 19, 2016, 12:05:10 PM
My cable account is still in Jim's name. If you watch the Comcast commercials, they make it sound like moving is no more complicated than hooking up a new box, but they LIE. I went through their whole long process to get our account moved over, but when I tried to log in, they had just started a whole new account. I lost his voicemail greeting recording (literally the ONLY reason I didn't just close the account and get my own), and now I've got a an account that doesn't have my name on it. I don't know what to do at this point. Confess, close it, and start over? Leave it alone? So far I've opted for the latter.

Oh, and my insurance agency called me at work the other day to "confirm your annual mileage." The lady asked how much driving Jim does in a year. I said, "Not much, he died." She was more or less stunned into silence at that point... stammered an apology and got off the phone real quick, once I'd confirmed his date of death.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: smm on April 19, 2016, 02:06:50 PM
Another one with a magazine still getting delivered 2.5 years later.

I also hoovered out his car for the first time since he died. He would have been horrified at the state of it. My excuse? It was never my job to clean the cars!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on April 19, 2016, 04:28:06 PM
Speaking of vehicles and confessions, the other day my daughter said, "I need to switch sides because there are little white caterpillars under the seat over here." 

Flashing back to years of spilled snacks and drinks that I never cleaned up and thinking that "little white caterpillars" can only mean one thing....I have not looked under the cushion in the back seat, nor do I intend to. 

Yes, I confess.  Maggots.  In my car. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Bunny on April 19, 2016, 04:39:12 PM
I try not to think about all the money I've passively spent over the past almost 4 years through avoiding things like shutting off his phone, canceling magazines, etc. The utilities are still in his name.

My confession:
Some widows get frustrated when those around them are having marital problems, get irritated when they can't just work things out with their 'at least they're not dead, count your lucky stars' spouses.
Me? Widowhood seems to have made me more pro-divorce. Because life really is too short to spend it with someone you're incredibly unhappy with. What's so great about being able to say you've been married X amount of decades if a lot of it was spent in misery? Not every marriage is meant to last a lifetime and that doesn't have to mean the marriage was a mistake -or a failure.

(This is on my mind because I stayed up late last night with a very good friend trying to help her sort through her struggling marriage. It never crossed my mind she should feel lucky or that I was the last person she should come to given my circumstances. That girl stood by me those first two years like nobody else. And, yes, I do happen to adore her husband.)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrskro on April 19, 2016, 05:03:21 PM
toosoon;

I would say bring it to one of those places that cleans the car inside and out and claim ignorance to the white caterpillars  :P   
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrskro on April 22, 2016, 07:48:30 AM
My 13 year old DS and I were relaxing on the couch, I was in my Pj's which were shorts and he said to me "ok, Mom this is ridiculous you have to shave your legs" :(   I may have been slacking in that department.  What's the point if there's no one to touch them anyway?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on April 26, 2016, 06:56:26 PM
I'm in Manhattan traveling a show to another museum. People keep asking me what I'm doing after work. I was supposed to get together with another widow, but we couldn't connect. Someone said to me, I don't think the Met is open, but maybe MOMA? I thought, dude I am not going to the Met, I'm not going to MOMA. I am not going to a museum after spending ten hours at one. This trip took so much logistical planning to get my kid and dogs taken care of, so I did not planning. Not to mention I never have time to myself to do absolutely nothing. So I am going to the hotel, where I'm going to pig out on the free buffet, call my daughter, veg out in bed watching HGTV on the giant TV, then talk to my boyfriend on the phone. And yes, a "free trip" to New York may be exciting and all, but I'm so stressed about making my flight tomorrow and the motion sickness that comes with flying that what I really can't wait for is to see my boyfriend's face when he comes to pick me up at the airport.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: rifatheroffour on April 26, 2016, 08:31:10 PM
I always found business travel overrated...enjoy the time with no responsibilities
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Trying on April 26, 2016, 09:10:18 PM
Enjoy a few hours of peace and quiet!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on April 27, 2016, 04:17:51 PM
I sleep in a king sized bed with two large pillows.  Lately my one pillow seems to be getting a lot of cuddling action. This morning I woke up to it spooning me. :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: LiveToRide on April 28, 2016, 01:22:31 PM
I sleep in a king sized bed with two large pillows.  Lately my one pillow seems to be getting a lot of cuddling action. This morning I woke up to it spooning me. :)

King here too...with lots of pillows! I'm surrounded by them and spoon my puppy. :)

My confession...I have done nothing but chat with other widows today. I need to shower.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on April 28, 2016, 04:13:33 PM
I have been shamelessly flirting with a younger man I met on another site. He's adorable and precious and if he were any closer I would jump him in a heartbeat. There's zero chance of this being anything other than an ego boost, but it's nice to feel wanted.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: trying2breathe on April 28, 2016, 05:07:00 PM
 "Lately my one pillow seems to be getting a lot of cuddling action. This morning I woke up to it spooning me. :)"

Virgo   I think you should give that pillow a name!  ^^   
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: LiveToRide on April 28, 2016, 07:15:50 PM
I tell my puppy I love her 20 plus times a day. I talk to her like she's a human and she is the best listener! I also sleep at the end of my king bed sideways just to spoon her. She gets belly rubs every morning(my therapy) and is just as spoiled as my husband was. I really don't know what I would do without her constant silly and neediness!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on April 28, 2016, 07:49:50 PM
"Lately my one pillow seems to be getting a lot of cuddling action. This morning I woke up to it spooning me. :)"

Virgo   I think you should give that pillow a name!  ^^

Peter? Richard? :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Kater on April 29, 2016, 02:16:07 AM
I thought I would try to clean out his underwear drawer.  After taking everything out, I meticulously folded it all and put it back.  But then I decided to wear his boxers to bed with one of his t-shirts.  I now have about 15 pajama "sets" for the summer :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on April 29, 2016, 10:13:49 PM
Thank you for this thread. So I found my way to Widda after using an incognito browser window to search for something like what is the right amount of time to think about dating after being widowed. My first husband died in 1999 (I was young, he was abusive, and God saw fit to take him instead of me) and my second husband died February 1, this year (my best friend, who I looked at like he was crazy when he said once that he didn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life if he died).

So I never imagined that I would be wanting in a sense to have a relationship of some kind when it's been just shy of three months. I got irritated at the thought because I had told my husband that there was no way I was going through all this getting close to somebody stuff again. I know I'm not ready but the thought is there.

One more confession -- I'm with all those who have written about not washing dishes or clothes right away. I tend to have a sink full of silverware and microwave containers because if I do cook, I parse it out into meals that can be heated up quickly or I use paper plates. I'll let it sit until I'm ready to wash them. When I think about it, that's not much different from when my husband was alive -- we would use up all the silverware and then wash dishes  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on April 29, 2016, 10:18:24 PM
I tell my puppy I love her 20 plus times a day. I talk to her like she's a human and she is the best listener! I also sleep at the end of my king bed sideways just to spoon her. She gets belly rubs every morning(my therapy) and is just as spoiled as my husband was. I really don't know what I would do without her constant silly and neediness!

I have two monsters (my four-legged babies ... the girl is 60 lb and the boy is 70 lb) and a California King bed. My girl sleeps for part of the night on what was my husband's side of the bed and the boy turns in about 35 circles and falls down as close to me as possible. He often leaves me about two inches of bed  :D Anyway, it makes the whole thing less painful having them to care for ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on April 29, 2016, 10:20:46 PM
Okay, one more: because of my husband's health, the doctor had said he needed to sleep with the head of the bed up higher. This was back in the healthier days and so he boosted it with bricks and boards (McGuyver, anyone?). The day or so after he died, I pulled all that stuff out and flattened the bed. I'm able to sleep peacefully, even though I it took me about a month to even sit on his side of the bed ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: JeanGenie on April 30, 2016, 06:15:02 PM
Here's my widow confession for today....  First some background...  When I work in the yard, I tend to wear my husband's old sweats/athletic pants and shirts.  Two reasons for this: 1) I don't have any 'work' clothes of my own (didn't have to do this "before") and 2) they're big and comfy and it's okay if they get ruined.

Anyhow today, while working outside, I realized I needed to run to the hardware store.  So here I am, in a pair of his old, baggy gray sweatpants, a large gray henley shirt, and a ragged fleece zippered jacket, with my hair pulled back in a ponytail and no makeup and off I go to the hardware store.  I would have NEVER left the house like this "before"!  But now I don't care.

Of course, I laughed to think that maybe I would run into Mr. Right while at the hardware store.  Yeah, real attractive!  At least I could only get better looking!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: LiveToRide on April 30, 2016, 06:44:55 PM
I thought I would try to clean out his underwear drawer.  After taking everything out, I meticulously folded it all and put it back.  But then I decided to wear his boxers to bed with one of his t-shirts.  I now have about 15 pajama "sets" for the summer :)

I had all of my husbands boxer briefs put away until I read this post. Now they are all back in his dresser, and damn they are comfy!  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on April 30, 2016, 10:12:39 PM
I have my husband's pj's. And his robe. The set of pajamas they have shorts are snug in the thighs for me but since I am going to the gym, I figure I will fit them one day  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Kater on May 02, 2016, 12:50:26 AM
I thought I would try to clean out his underwear drawer.  After taking everything out, I meticulously folded it all and put it back.  But then I decided to wear his boxers to bed with one of his t-shirts.  I now have about 15 pajama "sets" for the summer :)

I had all of my husbands boxer briefs put away until I read this post. Now they are all back in his dresser, and damn they are comfy!  ;D

I like the idea that I am sort of sharing "crotch space" with him.  And I can't even believe I said that, but it IS the confessions thread! I suppose lol
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on May 02, 2016, 04:44:31 AM
I love these confessions. Especially " sharing crotch space"!  I'm having skin hunger like you wouldn't believe. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on May 08, 2016, 09:22:11 AM
I'm having skin hunger like you wouldn't believe.

Me too. I'm climbing out of my skin. A gentleman happened to put his hand on my back while reaching for the half and half at Starbucks the other day, and I wanted to shriek, "TAKE ME NOW!!!!" I cry all the time... I'm so starved for intimacy (physical and emotional), I'm starting to think I won't survive this. :(
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on May 11, 2016, 12:21:35 PM
So sorry, Jen. You will make it through. One day, one second, one breath at a time.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Taurus on May 26, 2016, 07:31:51 AM
So sorry, Jen. You will make it through. One day, one second, one breath at a time.

Jen doesn't want to make it through - she wants to make out  8)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on May 26, 2016, 06:10:34 PM
My confession... I turned down sex again today. I know, probably not what a lot of you want to hear. It's a step forward for me though. I think I'm ready for a little more than just physical gratification.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on May 26, 2016, 08:15:46 PM
Jen, you have to go at your own pace ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrskro on May 27, 2016, 06:33:49 AM
Virgo;

Nothing wrong with that.  Good for you for knowing you want more!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Ruth on July 09, 2016, 02:38:32 AM
I sometimes think I created this whole thing-- from finding Jim to marrying him and then on through to losing him-- as some St Elsewhere or Dallas-style extended dream sequence in order to deal with the colossal disaster that was my first marriage. It was never real, so I don't belong here--or anywhere else, as far as I can tell, except maybe some freak show someplace. :(

Guilty!

I can't get myself to shower most of the time, so I do bucket-washes instead...

Eating is a mess and I'm glad if I eat a real meal every other day.

I've stopped caring about taking the clean and dry laundry off the clothesline and putting it in the wardrobe.

That's it for today
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on July 09, 2016, 10:04:23 AM
I struggle because my first marriage, which I was also widowed from, was horrid. No other way to describe it. I feel terrible, speaking ill of the dead, but if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have gotten involved with him. That means I wouldn't have my one and only son now, who is on the autism spectrum with other emotional and developmental issues. I struggle with thoughts that I did my son a disservice. But then, like in Jen's quote, the second marriage was like a dream, making up for the first. And then he died as well.
What's strange is the emotion associated with telling someone I've been widowed twice. There are times when I am nervous about saying it, afraid that (since I am trying to date now) that a person I'm interested in will recoil in horror. Other times, I tell it to back people off who I feel are pressuring me to get too close, too fast.
How to find balance. And peace ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on October 05, 2016, 12:40:47 PM
I FUCKING HATE MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on October 05, 2016, 12:46:40 PM
Oh, MrsDan -- so sorry :(
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MissingSquish on October 05, 2016, 08:22:32 PM
Solo sexy time has reduced me to tears after orgasm. I hate my life.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on October 05, 2016, 09:38:40 PM
:( Missing!

Are you dating or considering it? Not that doing so is the answer to all pain, but just wondering. {{{{Hugs}}}}
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MissingSquish on October 06, 2016, 05:33:25 AM
I dated previously, but I haven't found the right person to spend any considerable time with.  Most men have made me feel super uncomfortable post widowhood.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on October 06, 2016, 12:38:57 PM
So sorry, Missing. Do you think that is the case because the men are uncomfortable about widowhood or that you may not be ready to be with someone else? Not prying and please don't feel that you have to answer. I know it might just be that your Ch2 hasn't come on your scene yet, which is fine, too. However, sometimes waiting is so difficult ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MissingSquish on October 06, 2016, 06:40:40 PM
I've felt comfortable with two guys post widowhood. One was a bf for 10 months, and that didn't work out. And the other was a guy I recently dumped.

Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on October 06, 2016, 07:23:45 PM
Could just be one of those seasons, Missing. right after my husband died, I went through a period where I didn't want to be with anyone ever again. Then, I got somewhat paranoid and wanted somebody to live with. I mean, I even considered a live-in housekeeper (like I can afford that!). I had a conversation with my stepdaughter, who is 30, about coming to live here as she gets herself situated again. My husband did not want me to be alone if something happened to him and as I thought more about how he had said that to me and to our pastor at the time, I wanted to look for a mate of some sort  :-\ After one weird online experience, I met current NG and feel very comfortable with him. I am hoping this will be my Ch3. In this process, I think we all go through patches of 'okay', 'horrid', 'good', and so on ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on October 31, 2016, 05:29:59 PM
I met a guy online and went on a date with him.  He stunk so bad and his breath was offensive!  He smelled so bad...Yuck!  I excused myself to go to the bathroom and literally had to force myself not to leave. Came back and ended the date!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: November on November 04, 2016, 12:38:06 PM
My confession for today is:
Tomorrow is my birthday and some of my friends and I are going out.  I'm crossing my fingers that I meet someone and get lucky!  That's what I want for my birthday...sex!  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on November 04, 2016, 01:03:55 PM
Get some, November and enjoy yourself (safely)  ;)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: klim on November 23, 2016, 10:43:50 AM
Home today...taking a sick day ......trick is , I'm not sick!


Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on November 23, 2016, 10:55:18 AM
All right, klim! Enjoy  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on December 10, 2016, 12:52:14 AM
I had sex Sunday on my way home from a "girls weekend" getaway in Indianapolis. My family assumed that I was still traveling. I let them assume that.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on December 10, 2016, 01:57:41 PM
Good for you, Virgo!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on December 10, 2016, 02:45:12 PM
He's my fwb I have been seeing since January and can't seem to completely resist, obviously.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on December 10, 2016, 03:08:51 PM
Virgo -- sometimes we do what we gotta. NG has been gone for his new job quite a bit these last few weeks. We saw each other Thanksgiving and then he had to go out of state, so I certainly plan to enjoy his company tonight.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on December 10, 2016, 04:21:24 PM
Have fun!! :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: klim on December 21, 2016, 06:01:29 AM
Last night I had a good cryfest....pure pity party for me.....it was very selfcentered.

I didn't cry for my husband who lost his chance to see his kids grow up, I didn't cry for my sons who lost their dad....I couldn't see that there are people worse off or at least in the moment I didn't care.

All I cared about was me!!!........that is not a good way to be!

Still a little there this morning. Hopefully it will fade and I will regain my balance.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on December 21, 2016, 01:29:01 PM
klim -- you are not alone. I've had those moments and we deserve a time to grieve for our loss as well, no matter what that looks like. Cry as you need, love.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: momtokam on December 21, 2016, 10:12:12 PM
I'm sorry klim.....

I was there last night too. I'm not sure how I will survive this week! So much still to do and all by myself....sigh...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MR on December 21, 2016, 11:45:01 PM
I had those moments today while a song was played in car and couldn't control myself. All things needs to be done but by alone me.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: tybec on December 27, 2016, 06:33:35 PM
My confession:  I love my NG.  He is really wonderful in many, many ways.  But I can be with him, even in after intimate moments, and DH will come up in my brain.  I don't love DH like I used to, but he was my one and only since HIGH SCHOOL.  Wish it would pass.... :-\
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: klim on February 21, 2017, 06:52:01 PM
Sun came out the last few days.....you know what I noticed.....I don't think I dusted all winter...yuck!!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on February 21, 2017, 08:06:48 PM
tybec, your post from December made me think a bit ... I too love my NG. My issue is not my thoughts of LH but that LH comes up in public spaces, like on my social media. When his birthday passed, my stepdaughter tagged me in a post. She tagged me a couple days ago on something that reminded her of her dad. One of her sister-friends tagged us both in a video she had taken at our house and wrote about how she misses him.
On a separate but sort of connected thing, I made a funny post this morning about running from the bathroom to the kitchen to turn off a pot I was boiling eggs in that I had forgotten about before getting ready to jump in the shower; I said I was paranoid that someone would see me :) A cousin (who doesn't know about NG) replied, 'Who is there to see you, other than the dogs?'. I said I had my shades open and was concerned about nosy neighbors, but it made me realize that there are people who expect me to be this stoic, single widow. That's not who I am, not who I want to be, and not who LH wanted me to be ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Monique on March 26, 2017, 10:33:50 PM
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on March 27, 2017, 05:42:11 PM
Monique -- {{{hugs}}}
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: tybec on April 09, 2017, 09:23:26 PM
Every song has a story and memory linked to my DH. 

I have NG, who, like my DH, is an avid and diverse lover of music.  They were both DeeJays at some point!

So all love songs I adore and want to share with NG belong with DH and our history.  NG even sang a song to me on the phone one time, so sweet.  But it was a song my DH dedicated to me when he was a DeeJay. 

What to do?  Same era of music interests........ :-X
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on April 09, 2017, 09:31:54 PM
tybec - does NG know that depth of history? Can you talk about the similarities? I am not suggesting detail like about the song your LH dedicated, but just the shared love of music?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: tybec on April 09, 2017, 09:37:57 PM
Arneal,

Yes, I have told NG my DH was a deejay, classic rock, and NG loves that music.  He plays that game, name the artist, which I have played my whole life with DH.  NG's DeeJay name is a name my DH used as a code name with my SIL for doing tasks, "secret missions."  NG uses phrases DH used all the time.  It is strange.  I didn't know these things about NG until dating him over several months, so it was not something from the on line dating site or profile.  I don't want him to always think I am comparing.

My son hears things from NG now, and I look at him and we KNOW we have heard it before, too.  Just weird and sometimes comforting, sometimes odd.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on April 09, 2017, 09:42:19 PM
I can imagine! My NG plays guitar and his dad was a jazz musician; LH was a jazz musician. NG has played all of LHs instruments that I have in the house. Like you said here - weird yet comforting.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: jgib on April 10, 2017, 11:45:20 AM
This commonality is something that concerns me.  I connected with someone online and his life very much mirrored DH.  He even is working in the cattle industry which is what we did for so many years....
It was fairly early on and we never met and I kinda just let it fade away.  Just seemed too close.
 
After a couple of months he found me on Facebook and we reconnected.  We text fairly regularly but have never met.  We live 2.5 hours from each other and ranching doesn't allow much time off and he has two kids.  I probably am still the problem.  It all seems too close and familiar and I have major reservations!

I have kept it very platonic and enjoy the friendship we have build but I know he would like to try for more.  It is nice to hear that others have growing lives that seem to overlap their previous ones.....
I always thought I would go in a completely different direction.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: tybec on April 10, 2017, 12:17:50 PM
jgib,

I hear the concerns.  I guess I know there is enough different about NG and DH, but the commonalities are remarkable.  With only dating and marrying DH,  I didn't know I had a "type." 

NG is super smart, geek, well traveled, speaks 3 languages, meticulous, crunches numbers for a living, overly serious sometimes, limited circle of trust and limited demonstrative affection. Can be funny, dances.

My DH was the class clown, voted most mischievous in HS,  didn't know a stranger, ADHD, worked with his hands, loved, hugged everyone.   There are enough differences, but music and expression are big.

But physical attributes and military service are there.  And wanting to be the best dad ever to sons.   ;) ;D

Still, comes up a lot. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: momof2obs on April 20, 2017, 10:55:18 AM
An old friend of mine offered his benefits.  I accepted.  It was good!  :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on April 20, 2017, 12:02:34 PM
Lucky you MO2, I'm envious  :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on April 23, 2017, 08:55:29 AM
My BIL  posted on Facebook that his wife wants to have a third kid and he needs arguments against it and the first thing I thought was, well if you die she's screwed.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Monique on May 13, 2017, 12:31:21 AM
Tonight I turned on live TV for the first time in months, saw a commercial for engagement rings, and started crying.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Bunny on May 22, 2017, 02:02:50 PM
I'm drunk before 2pm...been a while since that's happened. But hey- ''tis the season and all that...life will go back to 'normal' middle of next month, I suppose. Right now I am smack in the middle of Crazy Town.

I am surrounded by people who love me, and I tell them I love them too, but I'm not sure I believe it so much anymore because my meaning of love is just...kinda weird now...or something. It's impossible for me to put it into words. I wish I could.

my world is much smaller now and I'm so okay with it that I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me that I can be like this so easily. Yeah, people have cut me from their lives, but I'm at expert levels at cutting people out or not letting them in past a certain point. I've never felt colder as a human being- wtf, bunny?!

My anxiety is at such a fever pitch but I keep trying to pretend I'm okay. Unfortunately I'm a terrible liar and it keeps leaking out. Is it widowhood? Menopause? Both? Fuck if I know.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on May 22, 2017, 05:53:43 PM
{{{hugs}}} Bunny. I have moments where I make a mixed drink early in the day. I think we all have spells of ... whatever it is ... needing to separate some part of ourselves from the rest ... needing not to feel so much ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: oneoftwo on May 27, 2017, 02:27:25 AM
I am beginning to realize that there is a possibility that I may never have sex again.
We ask for honesty on this board, that's about as blunt as I can get.
It makes me crazy to think that every pair I see are getting some
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: tybec on May 27, 2017, 09:39:54 AM
oneoftwo,

I get your post.  I felt that way.  I don't know why.  I felt so BROKEN when my DH died.  I felt unworthy, lost, had poor self image, and it makes no sense.  But I did. 

So, I felt my sex life was over at a young age of 42.  My prime years, and I am alone. 

I started to date, taking 4 years to do so, mind you.  The best thing that did for me was to let me know I was still desirable.  Crazy!  MY DH loved me, wanted me, desired me, but when he died, I felt NO ONE would ever want me again. This widow stuff just tweaks your brain, makes you question everything you know.

I get it.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on May 27, 2017, 07:17:50 PM
Dare I say that we see ourselves as undesirable more so than others seeing us so. As tybec so eloquently put it, time changes things ...

oneoftwo -- I was widowed the first time at 30. He was abusive and was convinced no one would want me. Because he said that to me a lot. I met a wonderful man after a time and we had 16 great years together, after which I was widowed a second time. I soon realized I did not want to be alone and began to date.

Time ... take as much as you need. Travel in this space as there are great people who understand. {{{hugs}}}
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: jgib on May 28, 2017, 11:24:14 PM
I cannot tell how much I appreciate you all.  I see words typed here that express how I feel but would never say out loud.

I miss sex a lot but the thought of it with someone else doesn't sit well with me.  I went from never going without to cold turkey......

It takes so long to get to know someone well enough that you just accept them for who they are and are comfortable just being yourself around them....I miss that too.......
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: oneoftwo on May 29, 2017, 12:01:40 AM
thank you guys, trust me, there has been a lot of time gone by.
just a realization that I needed to vocalize


Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrs Reader on June 04, 2017, 12:32:14 PM
I came out of my widow's cave after almost a year, used some internet, met a guy over a coffee. We had nice conversation and he was  pleasant to look at. I don't know what to think. Part of me wants to invite him over and rip his clothes off, the other part is listing all the things that were 'wrong' with him.
But does it really matter that he maybe isn't exactly mr Right? What to do?
 I just want, you know, sex. And some light conversation to go with that.
He will unlikely initiate, widowhood makes me look vulnerable in his eyes, I guess. He was that kinda thoughtful warmhearted guy. Should I just go for it or wait a bit more until I am sure? What if I am never sure?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Julester3 on June 04, 2017, 09:03:43 PM
You'd be surprised how quickly a guy could comply if you just want sex - it's just a matter if this is the type of guy to try it with. What do you have to lose? I tell myself I wouldn't be in this predicament if I wasn't a widow and that I'm an adult that will not regret what choices I make. I chalk it up to learning my way through this.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Portside on June 05, 2017, 12:59:26 PM
What do you have to lose?

Oh, you know - your health and your self-respect. Just to name two. That kind of thing.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mizpah on June 05, 2017, 01:18:56 PM
your self-respect.

Oh my gosh.  The puritanical moralizing!  Humans are sexual creatures.  There is nothing wrong with consenting adults enjoying themselves, enjoying having a body, enjoying each other, etc.  How does a woman (any person!) lose her self-respect by enjoying (within reason/safety/sanity of course) the body and life we are given? 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: momof2obs on June 05, 2017, 04:18:40 PM
your self-respect.

Oh my gosh.  The puritanical moralizing!  Humans are sexual creatures.  There is nothing wrong with consenting adults enjoying themselves, enjoying having a body, enjoying each other, etc.  How does a woman (any person!) lose her self-respect by enjoying (within reason/safety/sanity of course) the body and life we are given?

I agree!!  At least for me, there has been something very empowering about reclaiming my sexuality after my husband's death.  Due to my husband's illness, it was a very long time since I had sex and, frankly, I missed it terribly.  By no means am I looking for a replacement for my husband, but lets face it, he's not coming back and I have my needs and wants that I wish to satisfy. I am making the choice whether or not to have sex with someone and, so far, there has been no regrets.   
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on June 05, 2017, 04:33:28 PM
Thank you, Momof2. My first LH was abusive and so sex was not a thing I enjoyed. Ever. My second LH was very patient with me and taught me what was good about intimacy. He too had a lengthy illness but prostate cancer took his ability to have sex about nine years before he died. I was faithful and I suppose sex wasn't a thing because I was too concerned about his staying healthy. He's gone now and while I didn't jump out there, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to have sex with someone I grew to care about. I agree with you, Momof2 -- I have never felt so empowered as when I felt I'd reclaimed myself in this way.

I have shared on a few other places about having decided to do some research on dating before I got too deep; I am in higher education so I research everything else, so it made sense to do it for my personal life. Ultimately, I came across several articles regarding this notion of the 'right time' to have sex with someone. Bottom line -- the right time is whenever it is, so long as it is not forced, coerced, or otherwise wrong. If you decide you want to sleep with someone on a first date, that's up to you and your potential partner. If you want to wait until you know there is deeper connection, that's up to you and your potential partner. If you decide to wait until marriage, that's up to you and your potential partner. See how that works?  :D It's what the two of you make it. If you want sex, don't use someone for it. Mutual makes it better, no matter the 'when'.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on June 05, 2017, 05:39:45 PM
Oh, you know - your health and your self-respect. Just to name two. That kind of thing.
[/quote]

And let you be the first to judge. My goodness, if this journey has taught me one thing it is to be the last to judge.  Portside, it's 2017.  If an empowered woman wants to talk about reclaiming her sexuality after her husbands death, then this is the place to do it.

And I'll remind you again, as your judgey posts have made me do on the past, that I slept with Andy the day I met him. It was great! And no, he didn't think I was a slut (isn't "your reputation" just an archaic euphemism for slut? And what about the man's reputation?!?!? It's not like any one of us is a virgin for crying out loud. Give me a break with the patriarchy already). And now, three plus years later, he's my husband sitting right here next to me just like he was the last time you shamed women like this. I am sure the OP knows herself better than you know her and what's right for her and by the way, stop acting like you speak for all men, and quit telling women you know better than they do what's right for them. Such a f-ing double standard. Oh and "your health" ? that's what condoms are for. They used them in Ancient Greece and lots of us use them now.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jen on June 05, 2017, 06:07:34 PM
Portside, it's 2017.  If an empowered woman wants to talk about reclaiming her sexuality after her husbands death, then this is the place to do it.

THANK YOU. *slow clap*

Speaking as someone who has basically no hope of ever having sex again-- casual, meaningful, or otherwise-- I wish I had this "problem." I assure you, if anyone made me an offer, I'd jump on it. Him. And to hell with what anyone who dared judge me!

Humans are social, sexual creatures. We wids have been deprived of a fundamental human need. I personally rejoice for those who are able to reclaim it. (I'm also bitterly envious, but that's my problem and no one else's.)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on June 05, 2017, 06:08:32 PM


And now, three plus years later, he's my husband sitting right here next to me

If I could wrap hearts around this quote, TooSoon, I would. I needed to read that today ... Thank you.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Julester3 on June 05, 2017, 08:41:07 PM
You only lose your self respect if you feel bad about your choices and make yourself feel guilty. If you discuss parameters and protection before the deed, health is not an issue. If you learn something about yourself and what you want in the long haul, I say it's a learning moment and worth it. Did I have senseless sex? Yes because my husband made me a sensual being and I was literally starving for sexual interaction. My human nature took over and I was flattered. What did I learn? Sex without love is just not fullfilling. It was so temporary. Will I do it again. Probably not unless circumstances are right. Do I feel I lost my self respect? No, because I learned something about myself that I never would have figured out just theorizing by myself at home. I had to discover myself and I never dated as an adult. I married by high school sweetheart.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: marian53 on June 05, 2017, 10:17:37 PM
Mike, Mike, Mike… when will you ever…never. You will never change and I respect you for that. But really, sweet Jesus. Did you not have sex just once after your wife died? Not just once? Did you lose your self- respect and respect for the woman?
My dearest Peter Pan and I were exclusive for 33 years plus. no other partners.
I slept with Mike on our first encounter. I guess I was loose, like Goldie Hawn just said about her and Kurt Russell- oh yeah, those two that aren't married yet after 33 years or more!
Well, I guess now is good as ever to announce that Mike and I got married on April 3 and I am deliriously
happy and ya just gotta stop with this shit, Mike!
Marian

oh yes I do not mean to rain on Toosoon and ADP's parade but their getting married was a nudge to me to tie the knot, really!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 06, 2017, 12:46:26 AM
Congratulations Marion!!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: oneoftwo on June 06, 2017, 02:37:23 AM
Marian, congratulations.
But I think you're out of line asking, almost demanding, if Mike had sex after his wife died.
Pretty rude in any circumstance
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mizpah on June 06, 2017, 08:32:26 AM
Mike and I got married

Congrats!!!!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mizpah on June 06, 2017, 08:36:23 AM
But I think you're out of line asking, almost demanding, if Mike had sex after his wife died.
Pretty rude in any circumstance

I don't think she was seeking an answer.  I think she was making a rhetorical point. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: serpico on June 06, 2017, 09:50:00 AM
It is always interesting to me how an innocuous post can create such a stir.

Let's examine the 'puritanical' and 'judgey' [sic] post:

Quote
Oh, you know - your health and your self-respect. Just to name two. That kind of thing

The question to me is whether the author has a point, not whether that point is politically correct for the crowd here.  I did a quick Google search and the first article I found was this one: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201506/what-are-the-psychological-effects-casual-sex%3Famp

Based on that article it seems to me that casual sex can sometimes lead to a decrease in one's psychological wellbeing.  Not for all, certainly, but for many.  I don't believe pointing that out in a forum such as this is a bad thing.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mizpah on June 06, 2017, 10:03:43 AM
It is not politics to be bothered by a man saying I have lost my self-respect because I have had sex with someone with whom I wasn't in a relationship.  I realize he wasn't saying it to me, but take the logic he's setting up, and apply it, and plain and simple: it's insulting. 

What you're saying, serpico, and what Portside said are not the same.  I get being anti-stir, but you stated a counterpoint in an objective way, an actual concern: casual sex can damage a person psychologically.  Ok, something to think about maybe.  TOTALLY different than saying what you have to lose is your self-respect.  That's judgment and shaming. 

(Also, it's important to take it all in context, where the poster gave NO indication whatsoever that she was struggling with issues of whether she could respect herself if she had sex outside of a commitment/relationship.)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: serpico on June 06, 2017, 10:20:35 AM
It is not politics to be bothered by a man saying I have lost my self-respect because I have had sex with someone with whom I wasn't in a relationship.  I realize he wasn't saying it to me, but take the logic he's setting up, and apply it, and plain and simple: it's insulting.

He wasn't saying it to anyone.  He was saying it could happen.  'What do you have to lose?' 'Your self-respect'.  He didn't say 'you tramp, I can't believe you'd think about having casual sex'.  He said you could lose your self-respect.  Does he have to add the proviso that she also 'may not' lose her self-respect?

What you're saying, serpico, and what Portside said are not the same.  I get being anti-stir, but you stated a counterpoint in an objective way, an actual concern: casual sex can damage a person psychologically.  Ok, something to think about maybe.  TOTALLY different than saying what you have to lose is your self-respect.  That's judgment and shaming.

You and I have radically different ideas about what constitutes 'judgment and shaming'. I see a lot of judgment on this thread, but it wasn't done by portside.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: hachi on June 06, 2017, 10:30:05 AM
Interesting article, my take-away is that it will always be a mixed bag.

"If casual sexual activity doesn’t violate your moral code, your sense of integrity, or the commitments you have made to yourself and/or others, then it’s probably not going to be a problem for you in terms of your psychological wellbeing. That said, you may face related issues like STDs, unwanted pregnancy, partners who see your relationship as more than just casual, etc. And you should understand that these related factors could adversely affect your psychological wellbeing even if the sex itself does not.

Conversely, if you are by nature or upbringing socially and/or sexually conservative, or you have a strict religious belief system, or you tend to attach emotionally to anyone with whom you are physically intimate (regardless of whether the other person reciprocates), then casual sex may well cause you to experience shame, depression, lowered self-esteem and the like. This may be especially true if you engage in casual sex for “non-autonomous” reasons like getting drunk, seeking revenge, trying to fit in, etc"

For me, the part in bold caused me some issues for a while. Not shame or lowered self esteem, but more along the lines of confusion and doubt. While my relationship is committed and healthy, going into it with unclear expectations, thinking it could be casual, in the end did not work for me and caused me a lot of internal conflict until I was really ready to be in that committed relationship.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: adp on June 06, 2017, 10:32:48 AM
Boy Serpico, that "study" was a very flimsy fig leaf, much too small to cover Portside's outsize patriarchy.* Of course his comments came from a place of judgement; we've seen him do it before, warning someone contemplating a similar action that all the potential partner's male friends would be running around talking about her. That's shaming right there (of course, the male of the species never loses self-respect but only gains bragging rights). This isn't about women's behaviour; the problem is men's behaviour, men telling women how they should behave and how they should feel about it.

(* The article you linked to in no way provided meaningful support for the point you were trying to make).
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrs Reader on June 06, 2017, 10:41:00 AM
What a conersation! Thank you, there were so many points to my question that it really made me think what is it that I am after.
But what Arneal said makes so much sense:

Mutual makes it better, no matter the 'when'.
[/quote]

What was I thinking! It is not about ME. And not about when.
And while realizing this I suddenly got a message from another much nicer sounding guy and completely forgot the previous one. Which kind of answers my own question.
I will go for it when the moment and the person is right. But I won't try to force it happen to make my solitude go away.
Instead I am fixing a new date with the new guy, take it easy and see from there.

Oh, and I am certainly free from any judgement from anyone, I'll bloody do my best with this life I was thrown to. May it include some dirty dancing with clean guys  :D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 06, 2017, 10:53:25 AM
Hey Mrs. Reader,
I came across an article and thought of your post from the other day.  I came on here and saw that the thread took a serious spin for a bit so on a lighter note, if it happens, statistically you picked a good month!! LOL.
 
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/06/05/june-one-night-stand_n_16957250.html

Good luck on whatever you decide to do!!
Hugs
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: serpico on June 06, 2017, 11:10:51 AM
This isn't about women's behaviour; the problem is men's behaviour, men telling women how they should behave and how they should feel about it.

Perhaps we can set up a separate sub-forum here where us patriarchal dudes (don't worry, I'm sure you're not one of them) can submit our posts to see if they will give offense.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mrs Reader on June 06, 2017, 11:36:58 AM
BH2, that means I only have three weeks to go!
And I just changed my object and started from scratch  ;D
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: adp on June 06, 2017, 12:14:16 PM
This isn't about women's behaviour; the problem is men's behaviour, men telling women how they should behave and how they should feel about it.

Perhaps we can set up a separate sub-forum here where us patriarchal dudes (don't worry, I'm sure you're not one of them) can submit our posts to see if they will give offense.

That would be one way of owning it.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Bunny on June 06, 2017, 12:41:52 PM
This isn't about women's behaviour; the problem is men's behaviour, men telling women how they should behave and how they should feel about it.

Perhaps we can set up a separate sub-forum here where us patriarchal dudes (don't worry, I'm sure you're not one of them) can submit our posts to see if they will give offense.

Please stop trying to make this into some kinda politically (in)correct issue when it's really not.This is not a religious site and 'confessions of a widow' is known to be a thread where people are free to share thoughts that are less than pure without having to fear any of the judgments they might get irl.

I've watched portside shame 3 people right off this board- people not nearly as far along in this journey as he, so most probably in need of it more than he appears to be. So yeah- I do wish he'd cut it out with the judgmental bullshit he keeps handing to people. The whole purpose of his comments is to try and make people feel ashamed of their feelings. If they want that, they can visit a house of worship instead. This is a widow board full of raw feelings people should feel safe sharing while they're trying to sort their shit out.



Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MrsDan on June 06, 2017, 01:29:36 PM

What you're saying, serpico, and what Portside said are not the same.  I get being anti-stir, but you stated a counterpoint in an objective way, an actual concern: casual sex can damage a person psychologically.  Ok, something to think about maybe.  TOTALLY different than saying what you have to lose is your self-respect.  That's judgment and shaming. 


An important distinction. I had sex sooner than i'd planned too, and in retrospect that could have ended badly for me. Not because of my health (you know, condoms) or my self respect. But the fact is I did develop feelings I didn't anticipate, and had they not been reciprocated, yeah, it would have been emotionally difficult. But that's not the same as shame.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on June 09, 2017, 11:32:41 AM
Great point, MrsDan!

And can I add that loss of self-respect doesn't have to involve anything close to sex. So my first foray into the online dating scene, I 'meet' this guy who was charming and all that. We had good conversations. He supposedly lived in Florida and invited me to come visit. He would try to get me on video but when he did, he wouldn't have his camera on. He would send me these nondescript photos of himself, selfies at what was supposed (I guess) to be his house, in the car, a photo taken by someone at a meeting. He asked me to send photos as well. He once asked for photos that were a bit more risque than I would ever take. I took one of me, sitting on the side of my bed, wrapped in the sheets and nothing else. You could only see my shoulders and maybe a bit of cleavage, legs, nothing X-rated. But it's not something I would ordinarily do. Found out later he was a troll and yeah, I felt my self-respect had been dented. But it certainly wasn't the end of my universe and I moved on.

Any time we do something that's out of our norm, that's maybe a bit over the top, we can lose self-respect. It's more about the head space you're in when whatever it is happens, rather than what is going on in that space. Having sex with someone, wearing something that feels too revealing, drinking a bit too much or drinking something harder than usual or drinking if you don't drink at all, taking weird selfies. It matters not -- any of these could make a person feel like their self-respect has been compromised in some way. And it's not anyone else's place to say that's what the act will result in. Or not.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on June 12, 2017, 10:52:05 AM
Ordinary, every day sort of confession: I miss having and being a help-mate. Someone to take the garbage cans down to the curb instead of me. Someone to flip a coin with to see who's going to clean the cat box (added confession: there are times when I don't clean them. I have one cat and two boxes. He lives in the garage because he doesn't want to share space with the dogs. And I go out there every day but some days I just don't want to do it. I grow weary of doing it by myself; it became my sole chore after my son moved out and my LH got too sick to do much of anything before he died). Someone else to cook dinner for. Someone to welcome home from work (I work at home).
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Love2fish on June 15, 2017, 08:30:54 PM
Any time we do something that's out of our norm, that's maybe a bit over the top, we can lose self-respect.

This. 

Summed up the last couples pages of this thread in the fewest words possible.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on June 16, 2017, 01:38:41 PM
Any time we do something that's out of our norm, that's maybe a bit over the top, we can lose self-respect.

This. 

Summed up the last couples pages of this thread in the fewest words possible.

Far from losing your self respect, you learned something about your limits.  We are often forced, as widows who have been in marriages sometimes since high school, to navigate a whole new universe of choices and dynamics.  I believe one must test the waters, take some risks, and then learn from them to grow and evolve.  Maybe that's not for everyone but for some I think it can be key and transformative and has absolutely nothing to do with self-respect.  A woman (or, indeed, a man) is a conscious being and "losing self-respect" doesn't even need to figure into it.  You made a choice, it didn't work for you, you learned from it and you moved on.  That's the beginning and the end of it.  No moralizing or guilt is necessary or productive in my opinion.  And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: serpico on June 16, 2017, 02:18:24 PM
And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Interesting way to sum up your post, given that you spent most of it telling arneal otherwise, lol.

She said 'we can lose self-respect'... how about we take her at her word?  She didn't say 'we/you will', 'we/you should', or even 'TooSoon will/should'.  She spoke her view, which is just as valid as anyone else's.  How about we leave her word stand?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on June 16, 2017, 02:31:07 PM
Very good point, TooSoon. I feel like I have made choices in life, particularly after being widowed the first time that made me feel like I'd lost a few respect points for myself (self-respect). I got over it, but it's like self-esteem, right? How we view ourselves during the learning process. I have made choices that others might not agree with since being widowed a second time but they were choices that were in my best interest and increased the respect points I had for myself. It is a journey for sure :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: TooSoon on June 16, 2017, 04:00:53 PM
And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Interesting way to sum up your post, given that you spent most of it telling arneal otherwise, lol.

She said 'we can lose self-respect'... how about we take her at her word?  She didn't say 'we/you will', 'we/you should', or even 'TooSoon will/should'.  She spoke her view, which is just as valid as anyone else's.  How about we leave her word stand?

I mean, don't let anyone tell you how to choose, think, process, progress, develop, evolve.  Do what you need to to; learn from it.  Mistakes are not always mistakes if you learn from them.   

Listen, serpico, you've been responding to me like this for years.  Let's just agree to disagree.  Maybe you men who know how we women should act/feel/behave really should  have your own page. 

And I was actually validating the OP in her choices and feelings. Which you will probably take issue with because you think all we do is tell each other every thing everyone here does is ok, right?  Isn't that your historic line of reasoning?  I, for one, need help and reinforcement sometimes.  I need to falter and learn from my mistakes and pick myself up and keep going.  I'm glad you and portside have all of the answers but your need to criticize everything I write says more about you than it does about me.  I think you need to chill.  I've gotten a bit off topic but I am sick and tired of you (and portside) trying to undermine the conversation with your judgments.  A differing viewpoint is one thing and welcome - but your delivery and selected responses tell me you want the argument more than the discussion.



Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Love2fish on June 16, 2017, 11:22:24 PM
I hear what you are saying TooSoon,

"No moralizing or guilt is necessary or productive"

Most of the time that is true.  I have learned a lot about my limits as you so aptly put it.  I have been hurt,  i expected that and won't complain.  Finding what I am looking for is tough!

Unfortunately, I have also made some errors that hurt very nice ladies.  Those are the times that I lost some "self respect".  I never set out to hurt anyone.  I was just testing the limits.  Now I feel badly about how obtuse I was to the feelings of some very wonderful women.

I have had the experience of true and complete forgiveness. DW did that for me.   I hope I can earn it once more time.   I don't think there is any guarantee about that.

Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: 66etype on June 17, 2017, 09:16:14 AM
I'm just over 5 years out from DH death. I grieved hard for 2 years, spent 2 more years being lonely and working on myself physically (losing weight and working out at the gym), then going into the 5th year I met a young man, 20 years my junior. He wants autonomy in his life, yet we have a committed sexual relationship. My internal rules made this relationship hard in the beginning and then I realized I want the same autonomy in my life he wants. I like being able to come and go, do what I want and not checking in with anyone. We text during the week just to say hi and have a great day.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to be in a relationship, then I realized I don't want one yet. I'm enjoying this time in my life. I'm no longer grieving and I consider myself single... really single for the 1st time in my 53 years of life. When I want to settle down this young man door will shut and the long term relationship door will open.
We have traveled to central america together and it was so fun. I am having the hottest, sexiest and most naughty sex I've ever had in my life and I love it!! I don't care what anyone thinks... I just don't. Go out and enjoy it all. I told my kids (who aren't much younger than him) that when I die, I want them to tell stories and memories of what I did in my life. The stories post DH death are much more fun!! The best advice I've gotten is from my oldest son... he said "go do you mom, go do you. You've raised us to be responsible adults, suffered and grieved enough".. that kid is a blessing! Go out and do you!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on June 17, 2017, 12:08:40 PM
66, I want to live your life!!! Since I'm only at 4 yrs.....hey, you just never know :) 
Wow, sounds like you raised some terrific kids!!  "Go do you Mom"  I love it!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on June 19, 2017, 09:17:45 AM
Thanks, 66 -- I so needed to read your post today. It brought tears, but they were happy ones. I am so tired of feeling like people are feeling sorry for me because I've been widowed twice in my 48 years of life or thinking that I'm 'the widow', sitting around grieving. I stopped grieving early, having started before LH died because he'd been so sick that last year. The doctors were not sure he'd live when he ended up in ICU in spring 2015 and that's when the grief started for me. It lasted through his coming out of that and me becoming his caregiver. About two weeks ago I realized I was tired of being 'the widow' and started ticking the 'single' box on forms (I tick 'prefer not to answer' when it says 'single/never married') and removed my relationship status from social media. I have someone in my life now who is only five years older than me (both my husbands were older than me, the first by about 12 years who died at 42 and the second at about 15 years who died at 62) and like you, I am having the time of my life. I hope that we continue to grow closer as I wouldn't mind being married again or living with someone.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on June 19, 2017, 07:58:31 PM
This Thursday will be 4 weeks since I've been on a date. I have to say that I'm enjoying my break. I thought I would be craving the physical contact, I normally do, but I'm not. I've been so underwhelmed by the men who contact me it makes it easy not to be tempted. I'm open to dating, don't get me wrong, but I want something more. Not sure what that looks like for me, but a step foward.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Mizpah on June 20, 2017, 10:45:15 AM
Go out and enjoy it all.

Yes yes yes yes!  Just reading this made me feel a little secondhand-high on freedom and joy in life.  It is true bravery to shed our preconceptions of ourselves, and the handed-down judgments of others.  Go you!  Yay!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: 66etype on June 20, 2017, 10:07:10 PM
Our people did not die in vain... go out and fucking enjoy it all in there name...and ours! We are still here and they are not. Celebrate them everyday.. even if it wasn't something they would understand. Who cares? They are gone and we are still fucking here.. live it people!! Live it!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Metv on June 30, 2017, 12:07:22 AM
Confession of a widower. It gets lonely sometimes, but sometimes I remember the great times I had, which I'm really really thankful for.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: swilson on June 30, 2017, 06:30:51 AM
Not proud of this but had to use a bath towel to dry a few dishes  :-[
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Love2fish on June 30, 2017, 06:38:32 AM
Not proud of this but had to use a bath towel to dry a few dishes  :-[

Dishes need to be dried?
Who knew?
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Needytoo on July 01, 2017, 07:11:45 AM
During my kayak lesson, the instructor touched my bare shoulder. It felt really great.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 01, 2017, 07:33:23 AM
I hear you NT :)
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: momof2obs on July 01, 2017, 07:38:04 AM
My kids have been away at a camp all week and I have been having a blast enjoying my "freedom"!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Adley on July 01, 2017, 08:35:14 AM
Yes! I'm in week one of almost three that they're gone to inlaws 1800 miles away. Too long, I know. The pleasure is very guilty. I stocked up on steaks, cheap beer, and second hand movies. I've been sprawled out on the couch for three days, this is better than a luxury cruise! I miss them terribly and worry, really, but this freedom is such a load off my back! I didn't know how tired I was till I got a break.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 01, 2017, 09:16:08 AM
I hope you get to enjoy your down time Adley!!
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Monique on July 03, 2017, 08:29:33 PM
I cried at work today. No one said anything.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on July 04, 2017, 05:02:08 PM
Oh, Monique -- {{{hugs}}}
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Bunny on July 24, 2017, 09:58:54 PM
It's been a little over five years and I still think about him every single day. Will it always be like this? 25 years from now will I still be thinking of him every single day? I mean, it's not like it's debilitating or destroys me the way it used to. He's just...there. I guess I'm just wondering if there will ever come a day when not even one fleeting thought is about him for a solid 24 hours.


In some ways I can't believe how fucked up I still am about some of it. In other ways, I never thought I'd ever be able to heal this much.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 24, 2017, 10:13:31 PM
I don't have the answer Bunny but I've wondered the same things.  I'm in a similar headspace as you too. I too never thought I'd heal as well. For that I am thankful!
Hugs
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on July 24, 2017, 10:23:02 PM
Hey Bunny -- I dare say it depends. I know, really answer, huh?  :-[ The reason I put it that way is that I would say the thoughts change. My dad died nearly 23 years ago; I think of him every so often and I supposed it's because there are milestones in my life that he never got to see. I occasionally think about the first husband and he's been dead for 17 years. I think about LH at odd times; his death was not sudden, unexpected but not sudden. I am with someone new now and as I was with NG yesterday morning, I thought to myself, I hope [LH] would be proud of how I'm doing this.

It's different for each of us but I suppose they will always be part of our psyche ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Portside on July 25, 2017, 07:20:14 AM
It's been a little over five years and I still think about him every single day. Will it always be like this? 25 years from now will I still be thinking of him every single day? I mean, it's not like it's debilitating or destroys me the way it used to. He's just...there. I guess I'm just wondering if there will ever come a day when not even one fleeting thought is about him for a solid 24 hours.

I honestly think this is a personal thing and each of us will have our own unique response to the death of our spouse.

I'm at 10 years and I do not think of my late wife daily or even very often now. I've asked my sons and they also do not. That's not to say we never are reminded of what was lost, just that it is not a consuming thought in our heads.

But, like I said - it probably is different for all.

Best wishes - Mike
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jennica on July 25, 2017, 01:10:28 PM
Hi Bunny,

You are further out than me, I am just at 11 months. That is the one question I ask myself ALL the time. I replay things in my head over and over. I hate it. I also reminisce good things too. I do this a lot driving and mowing the grass.
I just don't want to think about him all the time. I'd like my mind to be at peace. I don't know if that sounds bad but it gets tiring. He just consumes my thoughts on a day to day basis.
So when you say 5 years, I think ugh. 😔
Jennica
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 25, 2017, 01:50:56 PM
Hi Jennica,
I'm at just over 4 yrs and yes I do think of him every day but it is very very different than at 11 months I can assure you.  As we know, we all grieve differently but please try not to be overwhelmed that it will still be the same as it is now for you.  I can't guarantee it but just let you know how it is for me now.  I'm kind of thinking that is what Bunny was getting at too.  "He's just...there." Yes, this but it's very different.
Hugs
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MR on July 25, 2017, 04:10:05 PM
I am at 11 months and some days feel like 11 months have passed since I last saw her so life will improve for better and some other days are like 11 months of hell how will I survive another 15-20 years without her.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Bunny on July 25, 2017, 04:28:52 PM
Oh, it is nowhere NEAR the torture of my first two years! Every day felt unbearable- I remember so many mornings, as my brain entered back into consciousness, I'd immediately burst into tears. To quiet my thoughts I pretty much drank myself to sleep for two years. I don't do either of those things anymore.

In the beginning much of my grief was focused on him. Now the focus/ the issues center more on me. I don't think of him constantly, he's more just there kinda like people who talk to god, I guess- always available but mostly unobtrusive. Honestly, it's not a bad thing, just a random thought I had and wondered if other people did too. Hell, I still think of my first dog pretty often, still have pictures up, and he's been gone 15 years.

I remember meeting a woman around the one year mark, who, when finding out I was a widow, cried telling me about her first husband dead 20 years. She was happily married again so I was kinda freaked about her tears, but 5 years on, I get it.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing. The differences and the sameness both make me feel more sane.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Love2fish on July 25, 2017, 06:33:43 PM
You expressed that so well Bunny.

I can identify with the widow you met.  I am 5 years out. I progressed faster than most (typical guy) but I can be brought to tears over the silliest little things.  Just a few days ago NG said something that I had not heard since DW spoke of it a decade ago. 

My eyes got teary,  I turned away from NG, she never saw my mood change.  I could have bawled my eyes out if I had been with a widow friend.  But NG does not need to hear these things too often and I am also comfortable letting the moment pass with a sweet thought of DW as my little secret.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on July 25, 2017, 08:49:38 PM
Love2: I don't think quicker progression is typical to any gender. After watching my LH suffer for nearly 17 years with congestive heart failure (three pacemaker/defibrillator replacements: the first one was faulty and shocked him about six times unnecessarily -- that's no joke to watch or experience -- the second one because the battery was run out, and the last because there was a broken lead, which meant replacing all the wiring to the heart and once they were in there they put in a totally different unit because the hospital no longer dealt with the manufacturer of the previous two because of defects), survive prostate cancer, have all the prep for dialysis, and come back from being intubated in ICU and then die suddenly nearly a year after the ICU thing, I was moving on in a couple months. I had mourned all that time, for the pain and discomfort he had handled with such grace, knowing there was nothing I could do except be there. He told me he didn't want me to sit around by myself and when it sunk in that he was really gone, what could I do? I remember sitting at the mortuary, waiting for his ashes, wondering how heavy the box would be because he was 6'2" and around 200lb when he died ... I walked slowly to the car, holding the box and looked in it once I was in the car and truly realized he was elsewhere. He was a very practical man and if I had the opportunity to talk to him, I imagine he would cheer me on for listening to him and doing what he said for a change  :o

This journey is so different for each of us, there is no telling how or when we will continue down the Path of Life ...
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jennica on July 25, 2017, 10:53:50 PM
BH2 and Bunny, that is good to know and even better to hear.

I read this site almost every night before bed. I don't feel so alone when I come here. Sometimes I feel like I have widow stamped on my forehead when I head out the door. I know it's just me and I can't be picked out of the crowd. ☺️
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on July 26, 2017, 01:26:31 AM
Oh my Jennica, you would not believe how many times I have written those exact words "sometimes I feel like I have widow stamped on my forehead" early out.  I know exactly how you feel.  This place is pretty amazing isn't it.  We are/were there and we get it!
Hugs
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on August 28, 2017, 01:21:12 PM
Today is my birthday. My birthdays are harder for me than his. His birthday was 1/28. Mine is 8/28. I always teased him about being older, 7 months. He died one week after his 39th birthday.  I was officially older than him 8 days after my 39th birthday. It's just hard for me to enjoy my birthday, but I'll put on a half fake smile for my daughters. They love celebrating my birthday. 😊
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: arneal on August 28, 2017, 02:18:39 PM
Virgo: {{{hugs}}}
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Julester3 on August 28, 2017, 02:55:31 PM
Hugs Virgo
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: MR on August 28, 2017, 03:57:42 PM
I had mine last week and exactly one year back i heard from doctors that she is brain dead but couldn't stop kids from wishing me and infact they gave me a small gift too. I was faking whole time but couldn't tell them whose wishes I am missing the most. Cried whole day whenever was alone.

Hugs
Manoj
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Amor on December 07, 2017, 01:10:34 AM
I still wear his clothes on occasion to bed
Look at the empty chair next to me often and think you should be sitting there.  Wishing no one would sit there but my love. 
still have a hard time saying or admitting the W word.  Like it would change, if I do not say it then it is not true mentality.
Like watching movies we enjoyed together. 
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Virgo on December 10, 2017, 12:05:00 AM
I still have the last shirt he wore at home hanging in my closet. I used to smell it daily. Sometimes I slept with it. It's never been washed. It will never be washed again. It has been almost 4 years, so his scent is very faint but still there. I'll never forget his scent even after it completely fades from his shirt.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: jgib on December 10, 2017, 11:52:48 PM
I still have some of his aftershave.  I can’t get it in Canada, so I save the bottle and bring it out and smell it when I am really lonely......
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: KrypticKat on December 13, 2017, 10:52:22 PM
While I do think about my husband all the time and relish in the happy memories, I find it easier to fantasize about being romantic with celebrities than my late husband because it could still happen with the celeb and I feel both guilty and depressed about that.
Title: Re: Confessions of a widow
Post by: Jennica on December 14, 2017, 03:15:27 PM
KrypticKat, so do I. Not really celebrities but peopleI just make up in my head. I don't like to fantasize about my husband because that will never happen again. I figure that wouldn't help my mental state either. But like you said the other could happen.