Young Widow Forum

Time Frame => Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months) => Topic started by: sdarrah1130 on March 10, 2015, 07:47:16 AM

Title: Frustrated......
Post by: sdarrah1130 on March 10, 2015, 07:47:16 AM
It has been 2 1/2 weeks since Eric collapsed at work and 12 days since he passed away. 

The past 2 1/2 weeks have been filled with "things to do"  To/From the hospital, Funeral planning, calls being made/making calls, people texting, calling and stopping over.  The last few days I have finally been by myself at my house.  I am still in shock and denial.  I keep thinking E is at work (he worked a lot) or out of town.  I really haven't cried and i am frustrated at this.  I want to cry, sob, scream and throw things. I feel too rational and I am frustrated. 

I have started to work half days to get back to our "routine" hoping this will trigger the real feelings inside and help me start to really feel my loss.  I know everyone grieves differently and it takes time but it is frustrating.

Sincerely,
Sandy - E's wife
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Tweety76 on March 10, 2015, 07:57:10 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss Sandy! Tight tight hugs! The hazzle at the beginning is overwhelming.

Don't be too hard on yourself for not crying. You will when the time comes. Took me over a month to really start crying and screaming. Try to be gentle with yourself even you feel rational. It is easy to burn oneself out when a crisis this magnitude hits.

Again: I'm really really tight hugs!!!!
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Chopperette on March 10, 2015, 08:12:06 AM
(((((Sandy)))))

I'm sorry for your loss.  Don't try to fit any mold. The crying will come when you least expected. My DH also travel a lot for work and I thought around two months out that this trip has been the longest.  I knew what had happened but unconsciously I was denying  it. It's a natural self-defense mechanism.  Please don't forget to take care of yourself, drink plenty of water and don't forget to eat.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Stargazer74 on March 10, 2015, 08:56:15 AM
It sounds like you are in the shock stage at this point.  Like the others say, the tears will come.  The brain has a way of self protecting you by shutting down things that get too overwhelming, especially when there are things to be done and tasks to accomplish, so don't feel like you are abnormal in any way.  Even 3 months out, I still catch myself having the thought that my wife is out on an errand and will be back shortly, those thoughts and feelings are normal too.  I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you have found our community here, where you can share your journey and find understanding.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: singinmomo4 on March 10, 2015, 09:09:52 AM
Sandy, when Rick died I didn't really cry in those early days either.  I didn't even cry at his funeral.  I was still in shock,  on auto pilot, just making it through the days, getting the things done I needed to get done.  I had 4 children, the holidays to get through, etc.  I was really in such a fog.  It wasn't until a couple of months had passed that I finally allowed myself to fall apart and even then it would happen after I got the kids off to school. 

((((((BIG HUGE SQUISHY HUGS))))))  One day at a time dear.  The tears will come when they need to.  Take care of yourself. 
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Chrispy89 on March 10, 2015, 09:44:12 AM
I agree with the others, definitely shock. In the first few weeks my friends kept saying how I must be in so much pain. But I couldn't feel anything. It's a very bizarre experience. Your brain will let it come in bursts. Look after yourself!
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: littlebirdie on March 10, 2015, 09:56:17 AM
It took months before I really felt it. I think it was kind of a self-preservation thing. It will happen. Try to be patient with yourself.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Jess on March 10, 2015, 10:49:09 AM
Sandy, I am so sorry for your loss and that you had to find us but I am so glad you did. I am now at about 7.5 months out and I have a hard time even remembering 12 days as I look back. The shock was a thick haze over everything. There is nothing wrong or unusual about what you are feeling. You are having a normal reaction to a completely abnormal situation. Please take care of yourself and feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it. You will get through this.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: midnight_man on March 10, 2015, 11:17:24 AM
I'm sorry for your loss Sandy. When my wife died a couple of months ago I often felt as if I should be more upset etc. I felt frustrated and guilty that I had only experienced a couple of occasions when this had happened. As others have said this is probably due to the shock of what has happened. Looking back, I can now see that I was in a complete daze for weeks following my wife's death. I have only felt in the last week or so that the shock of what happened is beginning to wear off. I often find myself getting upset much easier lately which is both a blessing and a curse I suppose. My only advice would be take care of yourself as best you can and spend as much time with loved ones as you are able to.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Jen on March 10, 2015, 12:25:32 PM
Sandy, I am so very sorry. This is so raw and new... your poor brain hasn't processed it yet. Be gentle with yourself-- like you were taking care of a fragile premature baby. So many tight hugs... please keep posting, we're here to listen.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Munsen on March 10, 2015, 12:39:27 PM
Sending you lots of love right now Sandy. I'm so sorry that you had to join this 'club'.  :-[

However, I'm very glad you found us. The support in this place helped me survive those early months of loss.

The thing about grief most non-grieving people don't understand is this: It is VERY hard work at a time when you don't feel that you have an ounce of energy. It saps one in the early days to just shower and get dressed. I don't know if you work, but try and give yourself time to feel all those emotions as awful as they are. Escapism (into work, pleasure, alcohol, etc) often just delays the pain. It doesn't solve or 'fix' it. I had just quit my job before hubby died and many people were relentless about me getting a job to 'get my mind off of it'...I felt they were wrong and I needed time to come to grips with my loss and I can honestly say I was right. You know you best. Do what you need to care for yourself. <3

So, give yourself permission to sit on the couch and cry. Don't worry about being productive. Even making yourself something to eat (even though you don't feel like it) can be a big job. I got an assortment of TV dinners in the early days so I could have one 'healthy' meal a day...(granted its not as healthy as real cooking but it is better than processed cookies or chips in the cupboard and without that I wouldn't have been eating).

In fact, the first home-cooked meal I made myself that even resembled a 'real' meal like I once made for hubby, I sat at the table, looking at that plate and cried. I cried that I wouldn't be cooking for him anymore and I cried for me sitting at that long, empty table. I even cried that I had to figure out how to cook for one person when up to that point I'd been cooking for hubby and at least one grown child (who left for college two weeks after hubby's death).

You name it, I cried for it. You are taking your first steps down a new unfamiliar road. As one member loves to say here; "Be kind to yourself". (((Hugs)))
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Bluemoon15 on March 10, 2015, 12:46:24 PM
Hi Sandy,  I am so very, very sorry for your loss.  I am only nine weeks out, and I, too, have been concerned about my so-called progress.  I don't cry anymore.  Instead, I just stuff it somewhere and soldier on.  I just joined the board today, and everyone here has been there and is offering not just good advice, but also their hearts.

Together, we will all find our own way.

Blessings,
Rebecca
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: swilson on March 10, 2015, 10:13:48 PM
{hugs} Sandy. I'm sorry, your whole world has been spun into chaos. Your emotions may crash in on you once all the kerfuffle dies down and you have a chance to begin to process your huge loss. James E. Miller said "If you remember nothing else as you begin to grieve, remember this: you will grieve in your own unique way, unlike anyone else. And that is as it should be. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: lcoxwell on March 10, 2015, 11:16:16 PM
I am so sorry for your loss and that you have had to join us.  I would echo what so many of the others have said.  Everyone grieves differently, but that's okay.  You don't have to feel bad about not crying.  You may very well still be in shock.  For me, personally, I have found times, when I thought I should cry, that I didn't.  Then there were other times, when it made absolutely no sense at all, and I would suddenly find myself in major meltdown mode, with tears flowing.  Give it time, and I am sure the tears will come.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: BrokenHeart2 on March 11, 2015, 05:43:53 AM
Welcome Sandy and so sorry you had to join us. Your grief your way. The tears will come when you're ready.
Hugs
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: donswife on March 24, 2015, 06:21:00 PM
HI sandy
I am so sorry for you losing your husband. I remember the first couple of months after my don died.
I didn't really cry much. I was definitely in shock mode.
I also felt that he really wasn't gone and I could feel and see him everywhere. Like he was helping through this awful process.
I think you lost your husband suddenly(as did I ) so its so hard to really believe they are gone. I am still holding on with both hands the denial part and its been almost 5 months for me.
Take care and don't doubt what you are feeling or question why you are feeling it
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: sdarrah1130 on March 24, 2015, 08:54:46 PM
So, it has now been 26 days.  All of the "paperwork" and technical things  are done.

The last few days have been the toughest so far and I know I have a long way to go.  My heart is still waiting for him to walk in the door but my brain knows that is not going to happen.

My emotions have been overwhelming at times.   I thank the dear lord that I have the support system I do because I don't think I could it without them.

Thanks for listening and all of the advice

Sincerely,
Sandy - E's wife
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Jen on March 25, 2015, 05:29:46 AM
((((Hugs))))  I wish I could give you a magic fix, but there's just not one. One day at a time-- one hour, sometimes one breath. Hold on.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Dahlia on March 25, 2015, 04:58:06 PM
I'm in that place, too. The last stanza of this poem encapsulates the sense I have right now:

After great pain, a formal feeling comes ? (372)
BY EMILY DICKINSON
After great pain, a formal feeling comes ?
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs ?
The stiff Heart questions ?was it He, that bore,?
And ?Yesterday, or Centuries before??

The Feet, mechanical, go round ?
A Wooden way
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought ?
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone ?

This is the Hour of Lead ?
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow ?
First ? Chill ? then Stupor ? then the letting go ?

I expect everything will work itself out, the shock will pass, and I'll burst into loud, anguished sobs in the checkout line of Target one day.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Dahlia on March 25, 2015, 05:09:54 PM
 This is how I feel when I reply twice: >:(
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: Jess on March 25, 2015, 06:31:31 PM
I'll burst into loud, anguished sobs in the checkout line of Target one day.

Replace Target with the grocery store, and yep, been there done that one.
Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: mixelated on March 26, 2015, 02:15:49 AM
Quoted this stanza elsewhere a few weeks ago myself. It fit that leaden, motionless mood perfectly. I have never been a fan of Dickinson, but now - well - I guess she knew what she was writing about. Another of those realizations that you don't really understand this level of loss until you've experienced it.


This is the Hour of Lead ?
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow ?
First ? Chill ? then Stupor ? then the letting go ?

Title: Re: Frustrated......
Post by: pammierae7363 on March 28, 2015, 06:38:59 PM
Hi, Sandy

I am sorry for your loss and sorry that you had to join us but I'm glad you are here.  I'm 14 months into this journey and this board has been a big comfort to me. 

It may sound silly that everyone keeps mentioning it but it really is important . . . make sure you eat (even if it's a TV dinner or fast food) and make sure you drink a lot of water.  I thought it was silly but dehydration is a serious thing. 

Make sure to take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself, and remember you aren't alone,