Author Topic: Reflections  (Read 1378 times)

Gabzmom

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Reflections
« on: March 16, 2015, 02:10:31 AM »
I have been a bit melancholy this weekend and tonight I read through my old blog posts (it's a private blog that I kept - sort of like a diary).  They are pretty sporadic because I fought my grief - in a sense, I am pretty sure I still fight it?

Anyway, I thought I would share what I wrote in January of 2014 (about 19 months out):


We are cleaning today.  We are sorting, and pulling, and piling, and removing, and taking, and releasing.  Taking a ton of things to the Goodwill today.

It's somewhat ironic.  I opened the closet door and found the bag. I call it the "Crazy Woman bag."  These are the shirts that were unlaundered - the ones I sat and cried over as I folded and refused to have my mom launder them.  Gabby and I sat and folded them so we could smell him.  Keep him with us.  I gave her a shirt and I put one on to sleep in.  They sat at the foot of my bed for a few weeks.  Occasionally, I would walk by and I would catch his fragrance.  One day I picked a shirt up and I couldn't smell him.  After frantically going through the shirts and placing them in a giant ziploc bag in hopes to preserve his essence, I placed the bag away in the closet.

Today - I stared at the bag and looked at Gabby and asked, "Do you think it's time to wash Daddy's shirts?"  She said, "Maybe."  I unzipped the bag and smelled the collar of one of my favorite Ralph Lauren button downs.  I told her I couldn't smell him - she said it smelled like the bag - plastic.  We decided to launder the shirts.  We'll put them with his other shirts - the ones for the quilt.

Each step forward is bittersweet. We are moving forward, we remember him.  We are letting him go.

Hope unfolds.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2015, 02:12:22 AM by Gabzmom »
"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry." ~Cat Stevens

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Reflections
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2015, 02:58:21 AM »
That's so hard isn't it. I'm about to pack up his dresser too.
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Carey

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  • Widowed 11/23/13 Joined YWBB 12/2/13
Re: Reflections
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2015, 08:04:19 AM »
Isn't it funny what seems HUGE at that moment?  Chad had left to go to Saudi 9 months before he died so I had nothing that smelled like him. And I wanted his stuff back sooooooooo bad.  He died in November and I didn't get his things until March and they smelled like ... well I don't know...they'd been boxed and sat and then flown in the belly of a plane so whatever it was, it wasn't my Chad and that broke my heart. I kept his deodorant and cologne instead. 15 months later I still need a whiff sometimes.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

Gabzmom

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Re: Reflections
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2015, 09:49:43 AM »
Carey, I still have Rob's cologne, too.  A few weeks ago, we were doing something and my daughter asked if I smelled his fragrance - I did.  I can't remember what it was but we could smell his cologne and neither of us had gotten into anything.  We couldn't figure it out. 
"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry." ~Cat Stevens

Carey

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  • Widowed 11/23/13 Joined YWBB 12/2/13
Re: Reflections
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2015, 09:55:09 AM »
Ive had that happen to Gabzmom.  I really would like to think he drops in every now and then. Who knows?
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

CBB

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Re: Reflections
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2015, 12:10:24 PM »
I have had that very same experience. This just happened about a week ago. I was going from my living room into my kitchen when the smell stopped me in my tracks! It was his cologne. Nobody had messed with it and it still sits in the glass bookcase. I literally walked back by the living room and yes...It was still there lingering. It thru me. All I could think to do was to say," Hello..I know your here. "

Cyndi
I am different! How could I not be?