Author Topic: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB  (Read 1141 times)

Wheelerswife

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4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« on: January 11, 2018, 06:32:43 AM »
I have difficulty realizing sometimes that it has been 4 years since my heart was ripped from my chest for a second time.  Here is my post from that day:

My world has crashed...

...My worst nightmare has come true. John, my Polarbear, the second wonderful love of my life....he died today. I am on the east coast, visiting mostly wid friends because I just need to do that sometimes. We had a wonderful bago today at the vineyard in Connecticut...a mix of old wids that were there for me in my early days of widowhood...and new wids I had the pleasure of meeting. I'd been texting and trying to call my husband all day, but he didn't return messages. I tried calling a few people to see if they could check on him, but many friends are out of town during winter break from the university. I finally called the police to check on him and they found him dead in bed. I am stunned, sad, angry, in shock. Fortunately, I am with wid friends tonight who have sat with me and held my hand and listened to me make a host of phone calls. I'm not much company at the moment.

Some of you know John. He was one of us. I met him here on the board when I was 6 months out and he was a mere 2 months out. Love captured us quickly. I quit my job, sold my house and moved to be with him. We married a year after we met. Life was so good for us. Our love was wonderful, full, alive, hopeful after devastating loss of our spouses. We lived life fully, traveled far and wide. We had great plans for life. John had finally regained full footing and felt like he had finally pulled himself together. He was cutting back his teaching to a more manageable load. He had new direction in research. He was loving his interactions with students. He had discovered his affectionate side and we had the most awesome connection. My brain was finally coming together after over 4 years. I was in school and studying was good for me.

It is now all over. I have said this so many times tonight. John died today. My life as I knew it has ended. I am lost.

Maureen
_________________________
Wherever you go, I shall go.....
My beloved Barry...11/29/55-9/22/09
You gave it everything you had.

My polarbear....such a brilliant and beautiful man.
1/16/57-1/11/14
You had so much more to give, to learn, to teach.



So...I sit here today and my heart breaks again.  I wish it was all just a bad dream.  I have done quite a bit to keep my life moving in a forward direction.  I am still working for and waiting for some aspects of my life to congeal and bring me satisfaction and joy again.  I'll be forever grateful for the people who were there for me 4 years ago and those I have come to know since then.  You know who you are, as I seldom refrain from telling people how important they are to me.

I miss you, my polarbear.  I wish you didn't have to die...

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Beyondlife

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2018, 07:13:30 AM »
biggest of hugs
?There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.?

― Washington Irving

jgib

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2018, 08:13:27 AM »
hugs and my thoughts are with you

Mizpah

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2018, 08:33:48 AM »
Oh, Maureen.  There are no words.  I'm sitting with you in spirit.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Toosoon2.0

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2018, 09:20:24 AM »
Love you, sweet friend.  xoxoxo

Catnip

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2018, 11:38:06 AM »
Maureen, I wish you peace.

It is still so hard, isn't it?  It's now been 11 years for me and I still feel the pain. It's because my husband is still dead. Didn't you say, for your first love, that expecting death is one thing but being gone is quite another thing to deal with.
 
For Christmas I received a bracelet with a heart charm that reads "Half my heart is in heaven." How true that is, and will always be.

Hugs to you,
~Catnip
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you.

Eddienhp

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2018, 03:43:09 PM »
I remember your post from 4 years ago. I sat in disbelief as I read it. To be struck not once but twice with widowhood. Being so far away worrying why calls went unanswered. Desperately trying to make contact only to find devastating news awaited you. It was hard to read. I am sure unbearable to live through. Despite all of the tragedy and sadness, you still manage to bring comfort to others by posting here. It's remarkable. Sending you cyber hugs.

Eileen
My life is better because you were in it. You encouraged me to stretch my wings. I will forever be grateful. Rest in Peace Babe. Till we meet again.

trying2breathe

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2018, 05:27:53 PM »
I too remember your post from 4 years ago, Maureen.  My heart breaks for you, unimaginable to go through this tragedy twice.  Big big hugs to you ~
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Julester3

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2018, 08:25:55 PM »
Hugs Maureen!

smabify

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2018, 09:56:28 AM »
I remember that night Maureen.  Thinking of you still, and wishing you well. 
*HUGS*
Life's tough.  Get a helmet

WifeLess

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2018, 11:29:24 AM »
Wheelerswife,

When Bluebird and I first heard the shocking news 4 years ago, we were in disbelief. The pain we knew you were feeling was heartbreaking. And your strength to survive and keep moving forward even after your second tragic loss was inspiring, and still is.

--- WifeLess


« Last Edit: January 12, 2018, 01:37:37 PM by WifeLess »

MR

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2018, 02:04:46 PM »
Big Hugs Maureen

Wheelerswife

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2018, 02:21:01 PM »
Thank you, everyone. 

As we all do, I made it through.  My hardest moment was actually the night before as I crawled into bed and instantly recalled our last FaceTime conversation just a few hours before he was estimated to have died.  Since John died, bedtime has been my most anxious time.  (I never had significant anxiety before he died...)  Fortunately, a widowed friend who was with me the day John died spent some time texting with me and that got me through that heartbreaking moment.

On so many levels, I feel ready for a new chapter in my life, but the logistics of that are moving at a snail's pace.  I can't seem to open doors far enough to stick my foot inside and hold the door open.  I think that leaves me too much time to think about the past and what I miss.  Nothing can take away from me what John and I had for the time we were together.  Death stole my future with him, but I can only stay angry about that for so long.  I am driven to create more meaning in my life, and so I will persevere.

Some advice to anyone who finds him/her/themself here:  never underestimate the power of virtual connections.  Some of them have truly sustained me through very difficult moments, and some have also converted into real-life friendships.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Kater

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2018, 10:42:06 PM »
Sending you hugs, Maureen.

As we all know, time is so altered now.  I just passed the 2 year anniversary, so that means when I lost S, you were about where I am time wise.  It’s still so odd to me how raw and recent it feels sometimes, and at other times, it feels like another life ago.  When I was new to this, I would have thought 4 years was a long time.  Now I know the number in front of “years” means little. 

I hope all the best for you.

K.

rifatheroffour

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Re: 4 years ago...my post on YWBB
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2018, 10:48:11 PM »
Some advice to anyone who finds him/her/themself here:  never underestimate the power of virtual connections.  Some of them have truly sustained me through very difficult moments, and some have also converted into real-life friendships.

I second this thought completely!
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 09:17:49 AM by rifatheroffour »
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.