A Letter from Jealousy

Is jealousy a Sin? 

           It’s will be 7 years on September 2019  since my husbands death and I will have more to say on that topic in the months and years to come, but today,  today I want to talk about my raging jealousy! I’ve never been a truly jealous person I’ve always gotten all that I needed while remaining humble. And accepting the terms of things. I’ve always felt like the universe had more than enough for everyone and in due time. But since his passing my jealousy envy and hatred  has become a constant and daily battle. Constant internal conversations with myself, that then leaves me with this guilty feeling because I know the things I feel and the things I say in head are so wrong and so mean and  they should never  be repeated. But I get so angry sometimes!  when I see people that take for granted the lives they still have and the chances they still get, make the worst choices. I get so angry with god that so many awful deserving people should die but you take my sweet kind hearted husband instead... so many awful women who are blessed with a good spouse and the ambility to have a family and they throw it away being selfish. But you leave me to suffer alone and raise a child on my own. So many father who give up the right to be fathers and or abuse the children for years. But you take my sons father the same man who taught himself how to swaddle his child and who was an exceptional father you gave him barely 2 weeks with his first child.. .... how can this be ...... but it’s not just the ungrateful people I envy  it’s also my friends and my family and the random strangers. The ones who seem so happy so content so blissfully unaware how tragic life can be. I’m jealous of my friends/families  relationship. Because I was robbed of mine. I’m jealous of them expanding and growing their families, because I will never have another child with my husband. I hate the fact that I leave the room when I see  people sharing moments of affection or family or happiness because I’m consumed with bitterness and uncomfortable and they dont deserve that toxic energy oozing from my aura, I hate feeling like the constant third wheel . I hate the forced smiles and the mask I wear. I’m jealous of it all the lovers quarrels  the touching moments  the memories to come the prospect of the future. I hate the feeling of jealousy! I’m consumed by it daily!  Is this a sin is it a punishment did I do something to deserve this hell. Most of all I hate that I can’t be honest about this to anyone because no one know this pain unless they have felt this pain 

yours Truly jealousy.