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  1. Yesterday
  2. Julester3

    Loneliness is a killer

    Remember, there is no time table but your own. It took a couple years for my teen girls to allow me to pare down my LH’s clothing, shoes and coats. Another crazy recommendation...If you can, if you haven’t methodically washed everything as I did. Keep a few shirts he might have worn and might have his scent on them still and put it in a ziplock bag and just tuck away in your closet or dresser. Sometimes, when hijack grief comes or something triggers you and you need the comfort, burying your face in a shirt that smells like your loved one felt like a comforting hug. It’s helped my kids too when they had a few tough times.
  3. Avemaria6

    Loneliness is a killer

    You all have been very helpful with your suggestions. Collectively we can hopefully help and support each other just by conversations on this site. I'm so glad my grief counselor suggested it. I also tend to go to bed late between 11:30 and 1:00...l do some knitting or crocheting. I stopped watching the news because it was adding to my depression and anxiety. I find it much better tuning into Netflix or Amazon Prime. I miss him sitting in his chair next to me, that is so painful. This grief is unbearable at times. I haven't touched his clothes yet to donate. I'm not ready. My daughter wants to take some shirts and make quilt. My two boy will take a few things also. Nobody has had the time raising their young families and working. My daughter is due for her second child in 2 weeks, another girl. It breaks my heart knowing that she will never meet her Grampy. It will be a joyous day but I can see it being very difficult too. Bittersweet! My business is being run by my son and another fellow. They plan to buy me out eventually. The transition hasn't been as smooth as I would have thought, but you realize when money is involved, peoples true colors come out. I have faith my husband is watching over everything and guiding me along with my family. Thank you all for the support. Mary
  4. Beryl

    Loneliness is a killer

    Good Morning... I like what Julestar3 wrote too-and btw, think it is excellent advice. I am going to hang art in "my" bedroom tomorrow actually, and am actively looking to switch out the sheets/comforter/etc and call the room my own. That may include changing up the shades and maybe changing the paint color, but keeping the furniture and placement of the things as they are. I started bagging up some clothes, but not all. I've decided to do that in many stages as the year progresses. I know my husband would want others to benefit from his clothes asap. He was not one to dwell or look in the rear-view mirror. He was also not a religious person, but I've found a tremendous amount of solace in my own Faith as well as other Faiths...so I've become a little pan-faithful. :) In particular, I like the Buddhist perspective of staying in the present moment and appreciating it for all it is even if it only offers a rough/sad quality to it. I find that allowing anything to come up is healing and it allows it to fluidly move out of me rather than stay and take up a "home" if you will. I say this now. I'm just shy of 3 months out and this is what works in this moment. I too have many regrets and wish we could have been in a place to discuss "What-ifs" but in my situation, that would not have been at all possible, and maybe that is all for the best. I will create a full, real new life on my own and trust that I am blending what he would have wanted with my own on this new path. Know that you did the best you could in a very difficult and painful situation. He did too. I have a feeling you were a Godsend to him and maybe he wouldn't have been up to discussing "What ifs" and you granted him a huge peaceful favor by not going there. Some people cannot cope thinking about death at all-I know with my Mother, it NEVER came up-I'm pretty sure my father never brought it up at all. We helped her most by helping her fight the cancer and concentrating our efforts with that and prayed for recovery. That's OK too. I feel certain you will intuit what his wishes would be if he was talking to you directly now. Can you continue to run the business (or do you want to?) I think there are others on this Board that shared businesses with their spouses, btw, so maybe search through some older posts. You may find some good useful information there on continuing it if possible and you wish to, or not. I am going back to work FT (I was primarily a SAHM) and luckily I think I have just found a dream job. Like Julestar3, I tend to go to bed late now (between 12midnight-1am) because I know I'll fall asleep very quickly and sleep soundly. I get up at a reasonable hour again (between 7-8am) just to make sure that cycle is good for each successive night, as I was falling asleep way too late (one night at 4:30am after keeping a girlfriend on the phone with me one night early into this) but also getting up late too..which is not helpful and made me much more depressed. I know why I was doing it as I'd mentioned in my first post; getting thru the THUD! of reality is difficult. But as of this week, things are even changing slowly for the better there too. I look forward to your next post. -Beryl
  5. Last week
  6. Julester3

    Loneliness is a killer

    My main trick for nights were to make myself as tired as I would so I would sleep better like stay up later, work on a crochet project before bed, type in my journal, and then I’d be weary enough to sleep because my eyes would be tired. Then, a wise college friend who lost his partner told me to change my perspective so I’m not looking at the empty space my husband used to occupy. So I slept on his side of the bed and that comforted well in the beginning and made sleeping easier for me. Later on I ended up changing the bed out and getting new sheets so it was “my bed”, not “our bed” anymore.
  7. That is a tough one. Dating for the widowed is not for the faint of heart. It takes patience and persistence. I like your solution about saying that it’s a heavy topic and to save it for later.
  8. Julester3

    Introduction

    So sorry you are joining us here. Grief is hard enough to deal with and then add this pandemic on top and it makes things so much harder since we have to social distance and such. I needed other people to minimize that quiet loneliness. Hugs to you today.
  9. Avemaria6

    Loneliness is a killer

    Thank you Beryl for your support. I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your husband. The hardest thing to accept is knowing i will never see him again on this side of heaven. I continue to pray for strength, and peace knowing he's no longer suffering. I have many regrets and I feel guilty the last year of his life. We never really talked about the what if's. There was much to talk about but we didn't. How do you say to your spouse, "Honey, in case you die "...that is my biggest regret especially because we owned our own business. The stress is tremendous. I just want to grieve my husband. I loved that article on St. Seton...wow her devotion and passion was truly amazing. She had her eyes on God always🙏
  10. Avemaria6

    Loneliness is a killer

    Thanks Mike...i appreciate your support. Yes, I feel like a part of me died when he did. That void is hard to fill. I also feel so distant from God...our faith was so important to us. I'm struggling spiritually, but I hear that is normal. I continue to pray for God's strength
  11. Beryl

    Loneliness is a killer

    Hi AveMaria, I thought what Portside (Mike) wrote is just lovely- and thank you...Portside. (I'm not a Catholic, but found that particular passage re : St Seton comforting). It's interesting, I am the reverse of you; I find the night time much easier than the morning when I awake with an unwelcome Thud! of reality. My Mother passed away from pancreas cancer, so I have some understanding of how the stomach cancers go; I'm so very sorry to read about your loss of your beloved husband. I'm quite new to being a Widow (difficult to type that word out) too. It is lonely. It is sometimes unbearable, but I try to go out in Nature on the very sad days and just be still and watch beauty around me. I guess I'm lucky that my lonely feeling comes during the day so I can go outside and sit while the light is out. I'd like to point out something that Mike wrote about successful marriages ending in Death. All marriages end in death. Even the unsuccessful ones by way of divorce, so the very fact we are married means we will go through this experience, one way or another just by merit of being a married person. Know that you were a great comfort to your husband. This is a painful difficult cancer, and I learned to be grateful that if my Mom had to fight it, and endure it, it lasted less than a year and she wasn't in grueling pain anymore, despite my missing her so much. I hope tonight and the successive nights become a tiny bit easier as as they go by. We still have our memories. Another something to be grateful for. Wishing you peace, -Beryl
  12. I really appreciate the responses. You might be surprised how willing guys are to just come out and ask how J died, even early on in starting to talk. Which then puts me in the position of having to be or seem evasive. I try not to set people up for that but it has happened on multiple occasions where I think I’m walking the line (dribs and drabs as you say, Mike) and not offering too much or steering the conversation in that direction and then WHAM the guy will just directly ask how my husband died. I think that’s pretty bad form but it has happened so many times I started to think it was normal. And then after asking the question and getting the suicide answer, they run. But yes, I will keep at it. And if more people ask me directly I’ll have to use a vague response and hope they don’t find it weird. It’s pretty tricky because if I say something like “I find it too difficult to talk about yet” I come off as not ready to date. I guess I can say something more like “It’s a heavy topic. Let’s save it for a time when we know each other better.” Thanks for helping me think through this.
  13. Portside

    Loneliness is a killer

    Hang in there Avemaria - it may not seem like it right now, but the whole mess does get easier with the passage of time. One of my best friends told me after my wife died, and I was struggling like you, that all successful marriages end in death. Every. single. one. I know it sounds odd, but for some reason that gave me a small bit of comfort. Enough to try to hang on one more day. Also, consider prayers to Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton. She is the patron saint of grieving. https://www.learnreligions.com/saint-elizabeth-ann-seton-patron-grief-124224 Best wishes, Mike
  14. I find that the nights are the hardest for me. I miss just having my husband by my side at night. That security is gone. It's so lonely and unbearable at times. I'm not sure I'm going to make it without him. It scares me!
  15. Lopez

    Introduction

    Just to share a little bit about me, my husband passed away just over a year ago due to a genetic disease and liver failure. I bet your husband was an amazing person, don't be afraid to share on different threads about him and your struggles in grief. If you're comfortable with it, do you have any good memories you'd like to share?
  16. Avemaria6

    Introduction

    thank you...i miss him so so much
  17. Lopez

    Introduction

    Hi Mary. I am so sorry to hear that you had to join us here, but glad you are looking for support. We're here for you the best we can be. Though it must be stinky way to send comfort your way I want you to know even if it feels like nothing in life is good right now, it's ok to feel that way. Just living one breath to the next when you're not sure you'll get through the next hour is also okay. Your grief matters. Your husband matters. God be with you, hugs.
  18. Avemaria6

    Introduction

    My name is Mary, 63 and I lost my husband March 13th 2020 from esophageal cancer. Only 10 mths and it had already spread to his liver. Sadly the chemo didn't help. Then he tried immunotherapy, that was heartbreaking hearing that didn't help either. He went through hell. I'm glad he is no longer suffering, but I miss him so much. I can hardly function. The loneliness is a killer!! Hoping I can get the support I need.on this site.
  19. Hi Jessica, I wanted to wish you a good move (with the dogs) as it is the very end of July today and I hope you are either already in transit or moved in entirely. That is a lot to have on your plate. When does the new job start? Raleigh is supposed to be a wonderful city. Wishing you the BEST!
  20. Earlier
  21. Hello! Still here, but more as reader than poster. Sorry you had to find us but glad you find the board comforting. IT was a life saver for years for me as I could state things here when I could not to any other folks. It is hard to be a young widow, unnatural and though you work through and move forward, some unique challenges. Definitely growth from early on grief. Please post as you may write just the thing someone needs to hear for that moment in time. And it helps to vent, too.
  22. Julester3

    3 things I did today

    1. I hugged my teenager this morning. She was having a bit of an exhausted nervous breakdown from modified school activities. All the rules and minding them are taxing just to be sure everyone remains safe! 2. Made my lunch so I can keep working. I usually get lazy and just snack until I get home. 3. I’m at work today. That is a feat in itself!
  23. I do check in from time to time. It’s been over 4 years for me since I lots my husband. I check the boards and I think many come to read to gain perspective and to have food for thought. I know I did at first. Post and people will answer!
  24. So sorry you are joining us here. So much is going on and that is a big move! Hugs and peace for you today.
  25. I'd agree with Mike that you can offer some information about your past without sharing everything on the first few dates/conversations. When you meet the right person for you, they will have the response you need from them. There will be a guy out there with the right mix of kindness and empathy for your loss and experience who wants to know you for the person you are, and looks forward to creating good memories with you in the future.
  26. Hi MCG - my wife died by her own hand after suffering for years of mental illness. I also had two sons at home (8 and 9) at the time of her death. I started dating after the shock wore off and I felt I was ready. I was mostly upfront to my dates but I didn't give much detail. Especially during the initial emails back and forth or on the first/second date. It's been a long time but I think I offered that I was widowed and my wife had been ill for a long, long time. Something like that. It was true but incomplete. I was, and am!, okay with that. That seemed to be enough information for most women when just starting out. I met a local woman and after a time, started dating her exclusively. We were then married a year or so later. I told her all the details after we decided to become a couple. For her at least, the circumstances surrounding my late wife's death were unimportant. Perhaps only offer small dribs and drabs of information at first. Have him fall in love with you and the kids by the contents of your heart alone without the 'baggage' (as you put it). If a guy is really interested in you as a long term partner, he'll accept the life experience you had before he met you. Dating isn't for sissies - but try not to be discouraged. Put yourself out there again and again if you need to. Mr. Right is out there - but it does take some looking. Good luck - Mike
  27. I’m new to this forum. I lost my husband to suicide by a self-inflicted GSW last Mother’s Day. He was an army veteran who served 2 tours in Iraq. I was completely blindsided by what he chose to do. And he did it while my children and I were in the house. I have two kids under 5. I’m 35. I’m still struggling with grief and trauma but have reached a stage where I contemplate dating and remarrying. I want to find a good partner for myself and solid man to be step-father for my girls. However, I’m not sure this is even possible because of the stigma attached to suicide. Virtually every time I have revealed the cause of J’s death to a guy I’m interested in on a dating site I get ghosted. I fully understand that the prospect of dating someone who has “baggage” let alone the “baggage” of the suicide of their spouse is complicated and potentially heavy. But it seems unfair that for most people it’s a complete non-starter. I know I could choose not to reveal how my husband died for a while but eventually it’s going to have to be addressed. I have tended to be upfront about it fairly early on just because to hide it and later have to explain, seems to further incriminate me. I have struggled with immense guilt over J’s suicide. My children and I love him. We miss him every day. It seems that having to deal with all that is not enough. We get to be marginalized and robbed of a chance to rebuild because of people’s lack of understanding around suicide. Has anyone on here successfully navigated these issues? Have you dated or remarried? How did you handle it in the early phase of getting to know someone?
  28. faye

    Gone longer than I knew him

    I remember having the realization that I had lived in this house longer without my husband than I had with him. Sad.
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