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  1. Today
  2. klim

    Belief and Grief

    Not a believer, not very spiritual .I believe in our minds and our body and science. I Believe for humans to live together and to create a successful society they have to be empatheic to other's emotions and I believe the rules and rituals of most religions were brought about to help humans struggling in that department. I was brought up going to a United church and had no problem with it. It was a great place , with great people . But nice humans do not need to be religious . I did not have any trouble with religion and my husbands death because I understand the science of the body and know, it's just the way it goes. I do not believe in an afterlife, but I will admit that I had vivid and hilarious images of my husband getting to heaven and having to deal with my dad asking him "What are you doing here? Why did you leave my little girl alone?" You see they never got along and yeah he would have given him trouble when he got there. Also will add, that although I feel very comfortable with my take on religion and love to discuss it, I understand other's need for religion as the structure is designed to support, and provide comfort, Each to their own.
  3. Last week
  4. New here...Holidays are approaching and this is my first year without my husband. He absolutely loved all the holidays...Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. He always found a way to make it fun for everyone . He would walk around the house randomly calling out Fa la la la! And me and the kids would answer from where ever we were. It always made my heart smile. We lived together for 8 years, finally getting married onThe winter solstice last year. He was very sick but it was a really good day and I was so happy despite the tragedy I had every reason to believe was coming. I was able to push it away and put all my love and attention into caring for him. It’s how I lived and loved him every day we were together. He got sick soon after we moved in together. I had young kids and I’m still not sure how I managed it when I look back. And I wish to all that is good and right that I could do that for myself now but it’s endlessly hard. He passed on Valentine’s Day and life will never be the same without him. It’s been 8 months and I’m ok most of the time if I don’t let myself think about him, but then there are all these triggers for the holidays that really mess me up. He fought a terrible disease and was sick for a long time, and even with failing health he just wanted to see everyone enjoy the holidays with a childlike innocence that I lost when I was very young. Sometimes it feels like my chest will cave in. I wake up with a panic sometimes in the wee hours of the morning thinking I slept too long and need to check on him or give him his meds. Then I realize he’s gone and it hits me like a tidal wave...again. 8 months later I still sometimes forget. I am surrounded with love and support and not a single one knows the pain I live with everyday. They think because he was sick that I could have somehow prepared for it. But there’s no prepping for the center of your universe to just suddenly be gone. My every moment of everyday was spent trying to help him have some kind of life through a debilitating illness. And it took nearly everything I had in me to do it everyday. And when he passed I got myself back and time to pursue anything I want, but exactly zero desire to do it except to try and show my daughter how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So I fake it everyday, hoping one day it will be real. I’m slowly reclaiming hobbies I once loved. And talking to people again. I’m thankful that its normal to be at home a lot now because of Covid because no one is trying to drag me on outings to force me to move on. The more tender people treat me the more upset I get. Like they don’t know that I’m stronger than they will ever know. Good God, I pray they never have to know as in depth as I do, how much strength a person is actually capable of and the trauma one can even get used to enduring. How odd it is that I can even miss the bad stuff because it made me feel useful to bring him comfort and take his pain away every which way I could. i do love my life, friends and family, even myself. AngI’m smiling more, losing weight, doing self care and ask the things that make it look like I’m just fine. But for a couple hours nearly everyday I’m really not. And these 8 months feel like 8 years. I’m tired of being so very alone. But have no idea how not to be.
  5. Earlier
  6. hachi

    Belief and Grief

    From the time I was a little girl, I believed I felt the presence of God in my life. I wasn't sure what it was. Through christian indoctrination I came to believe that it was the Holy Spirit. My faith waxed and waned over the years. I strived to learn and try to understand the mysteries. When I married, my husband was the completest of agnostics. He was a great defender of Christianity, which I found both ironic and endearing. He was curious, and had no religious upbringing at all, but never declared any belief. He let me attend to the religious "training" of our children. I was a deacon at the time of his death and the fellowship of the church was a comfort to me, but I found myself growing distant from the church body. I still feel the presence, but it sustains me in a different way and I don't have the capacity to be part of the congregation anymore. That may change, I don't know. I do know that I no longer feel I have to put any kind of label on the oneness I feel with creation. I truly believe that "religion" is a man-made concept. I believe the creator made us beings with a longing for a deep connection. I think it is how humans understand love. Of course, I could be full of shit. LOL
  7. soloact

    Belief and Grief

    StillWidowed, I was raised Roman Catholic. I went to Catholic schools and was raised by nuns in a matter of speaking. I have not been a practicing Catholic since I last lived in my mother's house. I'm an HMD Catholic. I have much respect for the sisters who taught us. They treated me very well often going out of their way to help me on their own time. I continue to support the sisters. My dearest and oldest friend is in religious life. She does not try to cure me. We are friends since high school. With that background I was amazed by people who asked if was "mad at god" after my husband died since I do not do church. Makes no sense. We become public domain once widowed so maybe it was just one more dumb question. People asked me why I don't drink. No one ever asks me why I don't eat liver. Same reason. I don't believe in afterlife. I didn't before my husband died. There is no change since his death.
  8. Hi, all: Not sure if anyone here knows any of the admin's who are supposed to be monitoring the website, but I have been trying to contact someone since the end of September and haven't gotten any answers. Emailed three different people listed before I noticed that at least two of them hadn't been active in several months. If you all know who I might reach out to, I'd really appreciate it! I wanted some information about making a specific thread, so general site related.
  9. StillWidowed

    Belief and Grief

    Thanks Tybec. Not sorting at all. Was just wondering where others landed.
  10. fairlanegirl

    Mother upset with new relationship, advice?

    Nola I know nothing of you but your post, but 12 years on, one night a week, with teens, following what you refer to as an abusive marriage, and widowhood? Your mum is overreacting. As has been said, she probably had a narrative about how all your lives would be, and you've upset it. A kind talk in order as also mentioned? I was an old slapper with two young children who had a bloke staying here a couple of nights a week only a year on, not always easy times, but very good now, and we love each other and have been together eight years. I still love my husband too. Good luck with your new love, it's always a gamble, but hope it works out.
  11. Wheelerswife

    Mother upset with new relationship, advice?

    Your mother is overreacting.
  12. Hi Nolagirl! First let me preface that I don't have your experience, so take what I write with a grain of salt. There are a lot of unknowns in your post to give a simple yes or no to your question. What I think can be said is that dating and possibly recoupling upsets the apple cart. Your mother has helped with your kids for years, and though she is happy to have you have fun with the new boyfriend, she must have had a vision of what that would look like, and what is happening is not it. So to say she is overreacting? Maybe. But her perception of what a new relationship for you and your kids is not matching, I bet. Your post doesn't note how the kids feel (They are mostly OK with it). I think your kids are certainly old enough for you to move on, and they want you happy but they are adjusting to it, too. Perhaps they voice other feelings to your mom? Perhaps they are acting different around your mom so she feels differently about it? Maybe your kids are OK with it but Mom is not. Teenagers are very egocentric typically, developmentally, so maybe they say they want you happy but then really feel put aside. Or they feel both! Mixed up feelings. I don't think you are selfish. I think from your post, you waited a long time and took care of your kids, and now your kids are older and likely more independent as teens are meant to be. But sharing you may still be hard. With both, maybe a heart to heart talk about it all? Cards on the table and then a plan to manage it all. It's tough, I tell you. I wish your the best! PS I had a MIL that helped me with my son after LH died. I limited it, though, because I didn't want her to be my coparent, and I could manage it. I had only one child. I went to work pt. time because I could and relinquished her of some of her help. She did not like that. I was taking care of my elderly mother, too, so part time work was so I could do both. I waited 4 years to date and then it was fantastic, new, exciting. I did not have my MIL keep my son when I was on a date or overnight out of town. I did not want her to have that responsibility. I did not tell her a lot either. Felt awkward. I eventually moved my son and myself to the town where my NG was living with his kids. I had moved my mother already there for dementia care my town did not have. My MIL quickly up and moved back home, out of state, then. It changed our relationship, but I knew if I recoupled, it would. My MIL. THis is your MOM, so that is a whole different dynamic. Good luck!
  13. I lost my abusive husband to drugs 12 years ago. Afterwards I raised my three, at the time toddlers, by myself. I lived very far from my family for 6 years and then I moved back to my hometowns as life became increasingly difficult. My kids are now 18, 16, and 14. My mom lives across the street and has been very involved with my kids for the past 6 years. Like co-parenting. Now, I have a first boyfriend after 12 years. The relationship is new a very intense. I think this might become something really, really good. We text constantly though the day, every day for the past three months. We get to see each other usually once a week for 24 hours because of complicated logistics. Now, my mother is very upset. When I went back to work, she promised how she would take care of my household and help with everything. Occasionally, she comes to wash dishes. Same with the boyfriend. She said how I should have fun and enjoy it. When I do, she is very upset, saying that I need to be home with my kids. Mind that I see him once a week, usually from Saturday noon to Sunday noon. Otherwise, I am at home almost every evening, occasionally, I go to a gym after work (like once week). This weekend, we are finally spending more time together - from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon and I am thrilled. My mother is furious and stopped talking to me 😕 So my question to you is - is my mother overreacting or am I being selfish? Seeing someone I really like once a week is not too much but on the other hand, it is true that I have not spend a full weekend with my kids for the past three months. When I ask my kids, they are mostly OK with it since they see I am really happy.
  14. I remember the 6 month mark. It was a hard time as reality was hitting. It was not a dream you could wake up from and the reality of all the forced upon changes were in your face. And the anger of the unfairness of it all. I was probably the least PC with people who made statements I could not ignore or tolerate. Everything hurt. My husband was 45 when he died, our son 8. The unfairness for our son left me raging. It is hard. I went to grief group around that time, and it helped me. Please take care and be gentle with yourself.
  15. SW Thanks for your comment, and hope that you and yours are doing well. ^^ Yes, that feeling is sometimes there. It's my harsh reality that this relationship is lacking right now. He usually does say sweet things to me, but lately that hasn't been the case. We've had some hard conversations this past week, and I still hang in there with him. I let him know that I'm moving forward in looking for a new place, and will move whether we're together or not. I won't put my life on hold to wait and see what happens with him, am working on being in a better mental state and not let this relationship drag me down. There's so much to be depressed about these days, and it's getting to me. It's kind of like the feeling where there's so much going on right now that a quick decision shouldn't be made. Not like widow grief, but a general sadness of all that's happening right now. Sigh ... a gray cloud is overhead, I hope better days are coming soon.
  16. tybec

    Belief and Grief

    I have shared here before. I am a Christian. I always have been but as an adult spent a lot of time searching as to why be one. And always stay on the same path. My husband worked with the youth at church 16 years. We were involved in all kinds of aspects of our church. And when he died suddenly in a car accident, the church folks were at my house within 2 hours. My pastor ( a female) walked me through the haze of planning the funeral. The youth he worked with most recently were in college, so they arranged for folks to talk to those kids. It was a loss to our church family. They remodeled the youth area, and it is in his name, now. My faith got me through as my church were the hands and feet as they are supposed to be. I had support for raising my son for years. I moved after 5 years, and I was directed to a new church by my former pastor. They have surrounded us again with love. My son is active in youth, missions trip, etc. He met 3 friends at church camp, we moved in 2 weeks, and they are at the church we now attend. Godwink is what that is. I believe in the life after death, obviously. I believe in forgiveness. I believe we are fall short of the glory and judging is left to God. I believe Jesus opened the door to all who choose to follow him. Everyone has a choice. My nephew is a missionary and has lived in Peru, China (where he met his wife) and now is Abu Dhabi. He speaks Spanish, Mandarin and now Arabic. He has lived where people have no knowledge of Christ. He has lived among Muslims and other denominations. And he has shared how learning about other religions always brings him back to Christianity. Long answer - my faith got me through the darkest days. I wax and wane as I am a fickle human, but God/Jesus are steadfast. Everything else is temporary. Good luck sorting through what you are sorting through.
  17. PaulZ

    Belief and Grief

    I no longer believe in organized religion, but fully believe in a spirit world. I have felt first hand and heard too many stories from people I trust about the presence of spirits to not believe. I do, however, believe organized religion causes as much hurt and conflict as it brings peace and harmony. I was going to church only a handful of times a year the last couple years before my wife died, and don't go at all anymore. I believe in being kind and treating others with respect whenever possible in place of preaching the bible or any other religious text.
  18. Wheelerswife

    Belief and Grief

    I was raised Catholic and as a college student, chose a path on the progressive side (think social justice as a primary focus). In my mid to late 40’s, I started asking myself different questions about religion and faith, went through an agnostic period, and was leaning toward atheism when my first husband died 11 years ago. I have called myself a humanist/atheist since then. I don’t believe that my husband’s death had much influence on that change. My second husband, who considered himself an atheist since attending a Catholic seminary high school, died 6 1/2 years ago. I continue to consider myself an atheist and I don’t believe that there is any afterlife. I believe that this is the only life we have. I hate being miserable, so I try to find as much good as I can muster. It hasn’t always been easy. Maureen
  19. StillWidowed

    Belief and Grief

    I was looking to start a conversation regarding death and a person's faith/or lack of it. Did it deepen your faith or cause you to turn from it? Are you in the camp of there is no after life? Please post if you care to share your thoughts on the subject.
  20. Hi trying2. I haven't been on in awhile so I went back a little to catch up on the posts here. The statement that bothered me the most is your comment about how it would be nice if you'd get a sweet text like the one he sent his ex. That is just heartbreaking. The kind of treatment and expressions of love that you're craving, he's giving to someone else. Not you. Not his girlfriend. Not the woman he's asking to move in together with....but his ex. Please continue to follow your instincts and listen to that gnawing feeling in your gut. Someone that loves you should be whispering sweet nothings in your ear, and not texting them to his ex.
  21. faye

    Hi

    On the plus side, I think my boss paid me my regular wages for the two weeks I was out. When I went back, it did add structure to my days, at least. I had been back at work a week or so, when the boss excitedly told me of this new thing he was doing: he was making a to-do list every day. I remember thinking my list would be: 10:00 to 10:15 - don't cry. 10:15 to 10:30 - don't cry.
  22. faye

    introduce yourself here

    KathrynA, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please look at the postings in the newly widowed section, I hope you'll find some useful suggestions there.
  23. arneal It's good of you to take care of your late husband's belongings and plan to ship them to his daughter. Even with her sense of entitlement and general disrespect towards you. It sounds like there are valued treasures in those belongings, and I imagine it feels good to take care of where he would want those treasures to go. I'm finishing up the purge of my married household, and there's still some things to move along. The kids don't want much at all, DD has a few of his t-shirts that she wears, DS didn't want anything at all. I'm sad that DS has refused everything, including his mountain bike that he would ride on cycling trips with his Dad. DH died while biking, and my son hasn't been a bicycle since. My son was an avid cyclist, and I hope that someday he's able to get back into it. With the pandemic, I dusted off my old bicycle and started riding more - emotional for me to get into it but it's been a good thing. NG - sigh. We've had some hard conversations lately that haven't gone well at all. Because we were getting nowhere, I told him that moving in together wouldn't happen right now, I needed to put it off for awhile. The thing is - I want to move, want a yard for my dog and to get out of high HOA fees. I don't know whether to move forward without him, or wait for him. Or maybe give it a little more time ... ? I need a peaceful relationship without strife, a soft place to land. This isn't us right now. I'm so sad. Not ready to throw it away after almost 4 years, but I'm getting closer to making a hard decision about what's right for both of us. I'm lucky that his exes aren't manipulative, we have that going for us at least. My son doesn't share much with me about the fires, as he thinks I worry too much - but he says that the smoke is clearing and he's able to get out more. He starts grad school studying forest ecosystems, timely as there's a lot for him to study with all that's going on right now. Those gender reveals need to be outlawed - ! I escaped a Cat 4 hurricane once - took photo albums and my dog and didn't look back. No regrets!
  24. trying2breathe

    Reliving events

    Tigerlilly I also relived my husband's passing, it took awhile before I was okay with how things happened. Eventually, as PaulZ says, you will smile when you think of him. For me, the shock gradually began to wear off, reality settled in and slowly, slowly, I started to feel better. I'm so sorry that you've joined us here, I can understand the feelings that you are having.
  25. PaulZ

    Reliving events

    Hi Tigerlilly, I did some reliving of the events of my wife's death as well (I did CPR on her). I think that is normal. I have on occasion felt signs she is still around me and believe in spirits. While it is easy to turn to anger and bitterness, this will never let you find happiness again. It took me many months before I could feel happy again about anything. I'm sure your husband would want you to find happiness. Eventually, hopefully there will be some smiles when you think of him, instead of tears. This takes time. Feeling grateful for the time we had with them can help you on the path to happiness again. Unfortunately, life is not about fairness. Life doesn't care if you were a kind, good person, or how you took care of your health. Bad things happen to good people every day. All we can do is live in a way that brings us peace and joy and let the chips fall where they may. Please be easy on yourself and know the intensity of your pain will lessen in time.
  26. Hi Mary. This resonated with me and felt I had to reply to you. My husband died 4 weeks ago with cancer aged 63. Our husband's were far too young to die and I too would love to be held by him, and cannot accept he has gone. Dreams of growing old together, trips away ect all diminished. I am pleased to hear grief counselling has helped, its something I'm considering. Life just seems so unfair doesn't it.
  27. Hi, I'm constantly reliving the events of my husband's death, hearing the nurse say hes died, not feeling his heartbeat. I still carnt believe it has happened. I wish I could have signs hes with me. I just feel in shock and disbelief. I 6dont feel the same person I'm bitter, and angry at others who are older than him and are ok(he was 63, but a young 63) cancer robbed me of him before he died. Constantly looking back. He has been gone 4 weeks.
  28. Hi. I tried to research this online and I can't find anything relevant. I lost my Frank just about two years ago and in the last 6 months I took off my wedding ring. I did that because I lost weight-I don't eat like I used to and I was afraid I'd lose it in bed or the shower or just walking in general. I put with it with his ring in the box and I still take it out and wear it only in the house for a few minutes every now and then. Here's the thing...lately, I have the strange sensation on my finger (when I'm in public) that it's there and I reach to fiddle with it and then it's not there and my mind goes straight to panic and then I remember why I took it off. Has this happened to you? I'm sure it has, but how long does this go on for?
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