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  2. Julester3

    Graduations..... These kids keep growing up!

    Do you guys have a community college or tech school nearby to see if it’s something she’ll try for the time being?
  3. Today
  4. Yes, Julester3 - I had a thought later about what kind of meltdown she would have if we had left already. She could have made some epic bad decisions. Take care, Rob T
  5. Hi Shelly. It is a well traveled myth that there is always pain, uncertainty and sadness for the widowed, not matter how the rest of their lives unfold. It's untrue. Most of us, after some time, get on with the rest of our lives and are happy and well-adjusted. You mentioned that you have a history of anxiety and are seeing someone for treatment. Great! Perhaps though some type of change is needed: either in your therapist or with medication or something. Maybe just a little something to take the edge off. You said your husband is a great, caring guy - that's wonderful! Seek some additional techniques to relax accept the goodness present with your family. Good luck! Mike
  6. Julester3

    Graduations..... These kids keep growing up!

    Well the good news is you didn’t leave her there and you can help her find something else.
  7. Well, well - my oldest twin keeps finding ways to surprise me. Both twins settled on Western Colorado University, about a 4.5 hour drive from here, and so we have been prepping them for some time. The packing to leave home was lit - they had never moved, so they had no idea what to do and too much happened at the last moment. But we launched Tuesday, to get them to move-in and orientation on Wednesday. We got them all moved in, and things seemed good. Then yesterday, as we were attending parent orientation and they were supposed to be off doing their stuff, I get a text from The Oldest. She was freaked out by all of the strangers and not feeling like she could actually be alone anywhere, and wanted to withdraw. We loop in a couple of orientation staff and her school mentor, and then meet her to talk. She's rock-solid about this not being a fit for her, and she needed to leave now. We could not talk her out of it or convince her to give it a week, and talking about our imminent move to a new house and how her "normal" is kind of gone didn't sway her, either. We couldn't even give her a ride home - we'd taken the rear seats out of the van for all the stuff. The younger twin was sad, but still excited to be there - I've never seen such different reactions to the same circumstances. Kathy was beyond awesome about all of this. So she got out of classes, arranged to leave her dorm, and we packed up her stuff again, put it in the van, figured out how she could get home on the bus (leaving at 6am!), and headed home. I expected to be sad about leaving kids at school but excited for their future - that's true for one, but I feel a sense of failure and fears for the future of the other one. She got on the bus this morning, and will be traveling about 12 hours to get home. We have some thoughts about what we're going to need to see her doing. When we got home, I joked that we should watch "Failure To Launch" some time, and Kathy joked, "with <the kid>"! Take care, Rob T
  8. Hi. so I have been married for 10 years, and after struggle with cancer for 8 of them my hubby died leaving me (27) with our girl and another girl not yet born. Now its been 6 yrs, 7 month ago I got married to an amazing (!!) guy and at the beginning it was a bliss! all the clouds have gone away. But something in me just won't let me rest. I have an history of anxiety and the last 7 months are a mixture of happiness and fear and panic attack and crying. Thing is all the weak points my new hubby has causing me anxiety. Thoughts like: my DH never did this, How would I deal with it?! I can't, why do I have to? I was happy before I am in therapy but I feel like no one gets me. My husband is so caring, he listen to me, he tries so hard, he is amazing with the kids and I feel like such a horrible person criticizing and getting anxiety whenever he acts on his weak points (and I know his weak points aren't the problem here because I keep changing them - once this bother me, next day it's fine and it's something else) . I got from another widow that it is something that happens, but is that really true? If I accept that that's how things are, that there will always be pain will it get better? please help
  9. Yesterday
  10. All I have to say to this conversation about blending or not blending families is this: blending is #$%^-ing brutal. I'm deep in it and I'm not giving up but it is no walk in the park.
  11. So sorry Sugarbell. I guess it will be important for you to decide if formal marriage and life together is something you want. All of us bring our baggage, whether it's kids, past hurts, financial constraint, whatever. We just have to decide what is right for all involved, especially ourselves and those under our care. Wow, sudnly. You go, girl for keeping all that trail of evidence! You're like CSI!!! Good for you. I pray your safety through the final hurdles here.
  12. Gotta love this one! So I see the landlord this morning and I tell him there will be a moving truck in the parking spots on Saturday and again on Tuesday. He proceeds to tell me he didn't know I was moving! I looked at him and said "bullshit". So he said well I didn't get a notice. To which I said oh yes you did, I gave a 60 day when I only had to give a 30 day, I called you on the 1st of July, and when I did the written you weren't around so your "office assistant " had me put it in her box so she has it and I have the text on my phone to prove it, plus text from her saying you both know it! As well as a copy of it on my phone! Shut his ass right up, he just doesn't want to give me any of my money back! Then I said to him when your not available what is the point of your "office assistant"? He wouldn't answer, then he says quietly the spots will be open for the trucks. Oh the trials and tribulations, and he went around bitching about me leaving to several other tenants here! oiy.....
  13. i knew it wouldn’t be easy..but really our kids are from 2 different worlds. His were spoiled, but both parents..Son wrecks a car or two-buy him new one..numerous DUI, jobs, failed drug tests at work, rehab. Now is living with his moms parents along with girlfriend and new baby. Just a mess. Daughter very very different. Just different work ethic. Actually i keep my kids separate from his entire extended 200 member (or more) family around here. It’s just too bizarre. Future? I doubt it. I don’t want anyone else..but i doubt we ever marry.
  14. Last week
  15. Hey there, Sugarbell: it sounds like you have incredible children -- that is a blessing! LH's daughter, who I've shared about, is not an under-achiever, but seems to lack the motivation her dad had. Because of where he was in life, her mom had her via primary custody back in the day. It was not (and I'm gathering in some places, much hasn't changed) uncommon for the mom to nearly always get the kids, even when she was obviously not the best choice when it came to how they would be raised. LH's daughter has a lot of expectations of the world but doesn't seem to see that she has to put in her share, in the right way. My son has special needs; LH took him on like a dad. It didn't matter. My son was still disrespectful and harmful and I dealt with him, every time I found out about it. Like you, I have never taken any crap from him. LH didn't take crap from his daughter either, but because she knew in her mom's house, the rules were different, she would run 'home'. Our house was 'home' when she didn't like how things were going with her mom and vice versa. BF was't easy on his kids and in some ways, I would say he was too tough. I don't mean that as in 'his punishments were too hard on them' but rather it was how he said what he meant. There are times now that he'll say things and if a person were just listening to the words and didn't know him as a person, they might be taken back a few steps. I often reframe when I talk to him, which is something no one in his life has done -- from his formative years through adulthood. That's not a bad trait, his forthrightness, in his role as a leader in his field or even when he was in the military, but as a 'regular person'? It doesn't always work. I try to stay mindful of the fact that most of us aren't the first chapter for our significant others, just like they aren't our first chapter. Even though we are on to a second (or third, or fourth, whatever it might be) chapter because of the death of the previous, it doesn't mean stepping into the new is any easier for either of us. Or our kids. Especially when we each bring a different skill set (or lack thereof) to the table. Can each of us grow? Sure, I hope! But will it be seamless and easy? Not always. Sigh.
  16. This. NG (well its going on 3 years now) and I will never fully blend. His 25 year old son is a train wreck and irresponsible human who takes advantage of his Dad (and everyone) My 16 year old doesn't ever want to me around him. His comment "I have absolutely nothing in common with him and I have no respect for him" My kids are achievers. His children are not. My kids work summer jobs..his kids want handouts. He is a pushover to his kids..I am a hard ass to mine. I refuse to bend when it comes to my kids, I have worked too hard to get them this far. We have college on the horizon. My high school Junior has taken the ACT 3 times to get his score the highest he possibly can for scholarships. His daughter who is a Senior, has yet to ever even take it. You get my drift. our 5 kids will never blend. Sometimes I wonder what is the point, except I do enjoy his companionship and he is a great guy. My middle son says I just stay because "You are in a tiny town and he is a good looking guy., Pickings are limited in these parts Mom". Oh well...Life is indeed a journey.
  17. sudnlysngl - sending your prayers and thoughts for strength and peace. Something has to go your way soon! T2B- much peace and a time of discernment for you and yours. It is hard blending. No ifs, ands or buts. Who knew? NG and I had our first counseling session. The counselor dove into communication head on. He explained the threat to relationships is the lack of the intimacy bond which is challenged by our fear response. We can debate examples, who did what, where, etc., but all that comes down to feeling safe and secure in the relationship. Both NG and I have fears. Different stories, but fear nevertheless. And how to build that intimacy? It is kind of the idea of this person has your back, ALWAYS, and that is what I had in my marriage. Despite our challenges, I never was fearful of my husband not being there for me. We were bound to each other. So, NG and I have this happening, and fear is a huge motivator, and I agree for me it is part of the big picture. So see how it all comes together. NG is back in court today. The ex has petitioned the court on vacating the entire new custody order, overturning the ER custody order on grounds they didn't get to defend their facts, and a new one regarding child support. He has his kids this week again. And he starts a new job next week, commuting. It is a lot, and I am not sure how to work on us and all he has going on. I guess that will be something I discuss with the counselor's help. I AM growing from this and will see what happens. I had decided I would go to counseling by myself if needed to work through some things. Self care...
  18. soloact

    Widowed and Dating

    If you find happiness after this mell-of-a-hess we were toss into run to it!
  19. StillHereWI

    SE WI/NO IL BAGO DINNER - October 20, 2018

    I have to say that things do get better. I still hurt and I know that I will forever but daily life is better. What usually hits me hard are the online photo albums that prompt me to "remember this day from...". I see the pictures and think, yes I remember. I went to a group for people looking to take the next step (which I think I am ready to do). The next youngest in the room was 80. Not to be rude, but I can see why they were ready to date again. They didn't have much time left. I am near Burlington and work in Milwaukee.
  20. sudnly -- thinking of you and lifting you in prayer, sister. Oh my. Yes, what laurie said -- be very careful and don't overdo it. When LH was on thinners, he would get tired or lightheaded. Be careful standing up too fast and all that. Brighter days, friend. Brighter days. 💕
  21. @sudnlysngl I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I have been on blood thinners, you just have to be very careful and you will bruise very easily. Being in the ER that long!!! Wow, can't even imagine. Hugs to you!!!
  22. latest update is NOT good. was in the ER last night from 8 until 3 am. I hurt my leg and caused a blood clot in my leg!😥 It's painful and scary! ! ! Can you believe it? A dvt,, so now blood thinners, a very sore leg, and have to be very fricking careful. It's like damn I feel like I can't win for losing, but I'm not giving up the fight! Oh and my car was in the damn shop again too! I had it worked on a few months back, and they pissed me off cause they talked to me like I didn't know what I was talking about cause I'm just a little oh woman, ya know? Well they had to fix it right and this time for free plus the lever that opens the hood to my suv that they broke and I could prove it cause I replaced the battery a week prior and still have the receipt! I told them , don't under estimate this woman, cause you will lose, lol.... Anywho, I have my leg prooped up ice on it, taking Eliquis to dissolve the blood clot , which I will have to now take for at least 3 months or more, and still moving forward! Thank goodness my sister took a week off because now we will have to stop a LOT for me to walk around, LOL, sniffle sniffle😪 , but still fighting and going forward
  23. Bubu27

    Speechless

    Looks like you "knew" before you actually got the news. I "knew" to. One day before Ken passed away I was outside ICU crying and was SOOOOOOOO devastated and I could feel what was coming. There was this woman and she was trying to console me saying her husband who was much older then Ken had been in the same position and recovered. But I knew Ken wouldn't. I just knew. A few days earlier Ken had already been in an induced coma and one of his sister told me her son had a dream that Ken's mum was standing by his hospital bed in ICU. I told her I hope she is not going to take Ken away. But she did.
  24. patswife22

    Widowed and Dating

    My dating profile also had my widowed status listed. As for my in-laws? After my husband passed I didn't have much of a relationship with them so whatever they thought, I could careless. In fact they were not the nicest people. About 6 years after my husband passed I met a great guy. He's also widowed. We've been together 6 years now. My 2 sisters-in-law met him last year. They knew I was with someone as my daughter had told them. The older one was cordial but the one I always had problems with was a real BIT**. Wouldn't even acknowledge me much less him. Our families and friends are happy for us. We plan on selling our places, buying our own place and move out of state to a warmer climate. We live in the midwest. We're both happy and isn't that what counts?
  25. patswife22

    SE WI/NO IL BAGO DINNER - October 20, 2018

    StillHereWI, never feel like you don't belong. I was widowed at age 51. I found this one site........young widows bulletin board. It has since been disbanded and strangely this one kind of took it's place. Anyway, I chatted with a lot of people younger than me, my age and some older than me. We were all there because of ONE thing. We all lost someone. My husband has been gone 12 years. I've endured a lot since he was gone. Way too many too mention. So keep coming back. By the way, where in Wisconsin are you? I am near the Milwaukee area.
  26. faye

    Speechless

    I guess that's my point. Young people are so damn protected from *everything* real and unfortunate that they don't know what to say or how to act. In addition to that, poor behavior is excused a lot. We're all so consumed with how the little tykes ***feel*** and don't expand that into teaching them that others' feelings count, as well. How in the world is a person supposed to empathize with a huge loss, when the only experience he has is killing characters in video games? And reading customer service websites...there are parents who let Johnnie try to buy GTA with his own money at nine or ten years old, then berate the clerk for not allowing it.
  27. tybec

    Speechless

    Yes, this makes sense. Jan. 20th for me. I was awaiting the news, my LH to get back to me, him not answering his phone. His boss/friend texting he wasn't at work yet. The radio stating there had been a wreck on the road he traveled. The Adele song that played as I tried to get ready and get my son to school and not believe the worst although I had already cried in the shower, knowing my LH would not return a call unless he could not, and there were only two reasons he could not. I heard that Adele song two times in one day last week. I listened and I could hear it without a flashback to those moments, but I still chose to change stations. 7 1/2 yrs. Surreal.
  28. Bubu27

    Speechless

    I agree with all you all have said. Some people haven't experienced it so don't have a clue how to react, some haven't but have empathy and good manners so will say the right thing (or at least nothing overly stupid), some have experienced what we all have but are a few more years down the line and their perspective has shifted. And some are just plain evil and shouldn't open their mouths. Ever. That's all in a private domain. In a professional environment though, in any customer-facing job, I think it should be forbidden to say anything else then a simple I am so sorry and move on from the subject. That should be a default reaction. It has been 3yrs and 7months today by the way. I often think about that day, 11:56am on a fucking 19th Jan 2016, or the moment I was told, or when I left hospital to go home that day, or when they opened the coffin and I saw Ken one day before the funeral, or the morning of the funeral when I woke up etc and going back there I still cannot imagine what it must have been like, what was going through my head, how did I manage to cope. It is so weird and surreal. I know I was there and I know it all happened, but now I cannot imagine going through this. I get all shaky by trying to go back to those moments, it's like they are the worst possible scenario and wouldn't be able to take it (which I did because it had already happened). Does it make sense? and apologies for drifting off the subject
  29. sudnlysngl

    Speechless

    Although I completely agree with what you are saying you left out one thing. I must say the most important thing in my opinion. The lesson my dear starts at HOME when people are young! The things you speak of here are taught out and about in society, but when one is taught properly at home, then they know what to do when faced with the situation when it is presented to them whenever or however in life! Just saying, I know for me that's when I was taught no matter how uncomfortable it was, and I was prepared when the time came for me at work when I was even younger.... Sadly it just doesn't happen anymore.
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