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  2. MikeR

    Speed Dating?

    CJF, I tried online dating sites and they were horrible - you have to weed out so many who are not as they present themselves to be. Then, you have to spend time messaging - which is only one-dimentional and does not give you a feel for who the person really is. I found that almost always that when I met them in person they were not the same as their online persona. So, I tried speed dating. Bottom line - for me, it is so much better than online because you get to meet the person. You can weed out the duds, or phonies, right away. Our sixth sense is pretty good at telling us when there is an attraction or not. If there is none, at least you only have to interact with them for a few minutes. I know it can be intimidating (it was for me). What got me past it is I focused on the facts that: 1. It was only a few hours - if I hated it, it would be done soon enough. 2. If I didn't like the person I was talking to, I only had to endure a few minutes of conversation. 3. At the worst, it would be good practice talking with new people (something I have always been uncomfortable with). and 4. No one could contact me after it was done unless I wanted to match up with them, so it was truly safe and sort of anonymous. I found my fiance this way so I would recommend it to anyone who was even thinking about dating. Don't be scared of it (it is not difficult - our expectations can be more intimidating that the reality). Also, don't expect that it will magically result in finding the perfect match right away (see below), so don't give up so easily if it doesn't work the first time. Again, it is infinitely better than online dating! More detail about my experiences The first time I went, I connected with a wonderful person and we dated for about 7 or 8 months. I eventually broke it off because I was looking for a long term relationship and I didn't feel she was "the one". Back to speed dating. The next several times I went, I had spotty results - sometimes I was not attracted to anyone, sometimes I was, but they were not attracted to me. I dated several other women but none developed into the relationship I was looking for. At one point, I seriously doubted that I would find someone this way or any other. Maybe I was too picky, but I wanted someone that completely fit my criteria. I would not settle for "good enough" (the first lady was in that category). I reached a point where I said to myself that I would try one more time, and if it didn't work out, I was going to take a break from dating - indefinitely. So I signed up for one more event. This time, I matched up with three ladies, all of whom I thought had a lot of potential. As it turned out, I called the first one, met with her and following that, I did not even call the other two - I knew she was the right one for me. As I said in the beginning, we are engaged and we plan to be together for the rest of our lives. I hope this helps you decide what to do. Michael
  3. Yesterday
  4. Ronda

    New Relationships....Post a Pic

    My boyfriend James. We met through an online dating site. He is the sweetest man I have ever been with. I was widowed ten years ago and only started dating again last year. I am beyond happy.
  5. PaulZ

    Went on first coffee date

    Widower40, good for you! I was about 7 months before I went on my first date. My wife passed almost 3 years ago. I haven't dated a lot in the past 2.5 years, met one lady I really liked at about a year out, but distance was too big an issue to build anything together. I met someone special in January. It did feel a lot the same as when I met my wife. She made me smile, laugh, and shake my head(in a good way). I have forced myself to take things fairly slowly, to protect my feelings and those of my daughter, who is now 15. Odds are you will date a few women before finding Mrs. Right, try to enjoy yourself along the way!
  6. Last week
  7. Love2fish

    Went on first coffee date

    Widower, I have found love again, and again, and I think I just found it again. I can tell you definitively, there is nothing definitive that can be said on the subject! It is always different. As different as each person is, the combination of two is going to be unique to both. Most importantly remember that you have changed. You have 40 yrs of experiences and learning, and one huge trauma, that have created someone who never existed until right now. I would caution about too many meet & greets. Many of those women will feel hurt if they don't get asked out again. Pay no attention to what they said in their dating profile, that they were only looking for friendship or casual dating. Everyone is looking for love, they just don't dare say so. Don't ask me how I know all this. Don't expect love at first sight or within 3 dates, be extra suspicious of yourself if you think you've found it. It can happen but it is not as common as love built on a solid foundation of commitment and shared experiences. If you are like me, you are still in grief. Dating while in grief is neither good nor bad but it is hazardous. Be honest with yourself and the women you meet. You'll like the end result of that honesty.
  8. Widower40

    Went on first coffee date

    So I went on the second date with her. Had a late lunch, walked around and had a coffee. Conversation went great and we have very similar tastes and approach to life. We both said we had a great time and wanted to meet again. In fact, this morning she asked me out. Everything feels different though from when I fell in love with my wife. Granted that was when I was 19 and now I am 40. But I don't have that "feeling" yet. More thinking it rather than feeling it. Question:. For those that have found love again. Did it feel different? Did it take longer to get that feeling? Thanks
  9. Bunny

    Speed Dating?

    I’ve seen people recommend Meet-Up groups to jump start a social life. You might also look at community college classes, see if anything piques your interest? Find a lecture series that sounds fun, join a club... I went to a great lecture on doing bonsai, a friend just finished a ceramics class she greatly enjoyed, another friend belongs to a fossil club that’s very active. I’ve never done speed dating but I certainly do like the concept- face to face (any chemistry?) but short and sweet (non-committal!) Maybe forcing yourself out of your comfort zone would be a big confidence booster and give you a clearer picture on if you’re ready to date. You could do it and then report back here for everyone else who are also curious...
  10. Abitlost

    Speed Dating?

    I do not have any experience with speed dating. You say you don't know if you want to start dating or just find activity friends. My opinion is if you don't know if you want to date, a dating venue might be inappropriate; I think in a dating venue you are going to find people who want to...date.... Maybe check out clubs or groups that fit your interests to find activity partners instead?If you do want to date, then I say go ahead and try speed dating!
  11. I have found the triumphs are sometimes harder than the struggles. The tough stuff is challenging, but I power through and remain strong. I find the triumphs are emotionally-charged; I have such intense pride and no one who shares it. I know my husband would be incredibly proud of us all, and it's beyond sad that he never got to see what his sons would accomplish.
  12. CJF

    Speed Dating?

    I am 8 years out and haven't had any desire to date. Until recently. My kids are grown and most of my time is spent working and helping my elderly parents who live nearby. I need something more in my life. I am not sure if I want to start dating or if I just would like friends to do things with, as most of my friends are married and still busy with kids. I know online dating is not for me and I saw an ad for speed dating. Anyone have any experience with this? It sounds easier and safer than online, but still kinda intimidates me!
  13. Captains wife

    So many accomplishments...DH should be here

    I understand. It’s so hard sometimes. My son’s father died when my son was 9mths old - didn’t even get to see him walk. I used to be so resentful he wasn’t here but I’ve been trying to change my mindset over time so I like to think instead how proud he would be of both of us - he would have loved the life we have now (even if it’s not perfect and not easy sometimes). But it does make me sad...and it’s sad sometimes for my son. Yet I’m super proud of how my son has dealt with the crap life has dealt him. Wishing all you single parents the best- so proud of all of us!
  14. Yes, I agree, Rooshy. My son was 8 when his dad died. This year he will have been alive longer without his dad. It sucks. I get to have these memories of 28 yrs. and he gets 8 and may not remember most of that. And the person he is becoming. No LH to see. it. He will be 16 in 2 1/2 months, starting to drive. He needs to shave. A bear to get him to do it, but then my job to show him? I understand, Rooshy.
  15. I hate these things. Where the kids are concerned, they lose a parent to share these milestones with. We often talk about the difficult year of firsts but for children, they have all these upcoming future accomplishments that they feel their lost parent can never share their joy with them in those moments. My daughter cried at a marching band competition because she knew she did her absolute best job yet and her dad was not there to see it. It’s heartbreaking for me to see these things and we can’t do anything about it but comfort them as best as we can. Hugs to you!
  16. Both of my boys will be in high school this fall. My oldest son, Sean, in the last month, has started his first job, bought his first car ( a 2003 Toyota Avalon), opened a bank account, completed his Driver's Ed class and in car instruction and will be taking his test on July 12th. My younger son, Jack, who is autistic and non-verbal, will be starting high school this August and his vocational skills during the next few summers for employability. Yet, DH is not here, he's dead. My late husband isn't here for any of this. It pisses me off. That's all.
  17. rooshy

    Peace for Father's Day

    Thank you, Trying and Abitlost. Father's Day is the most difficult day of the year.
  18. Sorry you had to join us Joan but glad you found us. I used to describe it as being a fucking emotional yoyo. It was so unsettling feeling all the range of emotions. Hopefull it settles down for you like it did for me. RAM guess you shouldn't have done such a good job LOL Hugs to all!
  19. Oh Joan! You're already learning the language! Welcome to this awful club.... And tonight....... Fuck learning to communicate with someone new.... Seriously (ok not seriously) considering trying on a woman because communicating with a man is fucking impossible. And I'll apologize for this one in advance: Fuck my darling prude daughter who frowns on mom drinking alcohol. Mom's havin a few tonight..... (I suppose that's what I get for raising her right!)
  20. Hi, Joan, Nothing is wrong with you, save the fucking reality that you lost the love of your life. Lots of us have crazy thoughts and definitely unmet needs after being widowed. I’m so sorry you have had to join our club. Hugs, Maureen
  21. nice to be welcomed i am having a really hard time with the loneliness i am trying desperately not to do the rebound guy thing i am staying busy and fucking worn out but still can shake this shit, not use to being this fucking emotional i feel bi fucking polar obsessing over a younger guy at work like that is a fucking good idea what the BLOODY FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME I AM NOT THAT STUPID!
  22. Then I’m happy you’re happy. Much love to you (((hugs)))
  23. Welcome to this lousy fucking club Joan. I am sorry you are here. Please stay and make some friends.
  24. No need to feel bad, StillWidowed. Since we do live under the same roof, to me we've grown together and I don't feel as needy/weird as I did when we were just dating. I needed to get an understanding of who both of us were as a 'couple'. It's now been three years and I know who he is in this space and what he needs and who I am in this space and what I need. I don't need to hear from him every day, when I'm here serving my students. He is building his business and doesn't need to hear from me. We both have home offices and in the morning will say, Okay, I'm about to commute -- from the family room to our respective offices. And then we may not see each other, except during trips to the bathroom or to get a snack and then not see each other until dinner. And we're both home. Like Bunny said, two different personality types. I am definitely a solitary type and so is BF. In that way, we complement each other. I think there's also our experiences. The first husband didn't trust me to even go to work (the abusive one) while my second husband had a wife who didn't trust him. I never want to go through that again and I don't want to be perceived as being like that. I let BF be him and have his space and I have mine. It's comfortable for me and for him. It's one of the best spaces I've been in, relationship-wise.
  25. Wow, tybec, you just made me realize something about my expectations of relationships and where they came from- thanks for the insight! ❤️ I was raised in the Navy (pre-computers). I saw couples, including my parents, separated for months on end. Spouses wrote each other daily, or weekly, or monthly- and phone calls were very, very rare. People usually lived far away from their extended families. This upbringing made me pretty self-contained- and adaptable. I can get close to people fast, since my past taught me time was of the essence- and I can also cut people out of my life fairly easily, because moving all the time teaches you detachment. I grew up with many different cultures and religions intermingling- so I experienced, through places/friendships/dating, lots of people very different from me. Growing up, your love story was pretty much my ideal- same friends and boyfriend my whole life, marrying him and never ever moving! Of course, instead, my father instilled in me a wanderlust and I didn’t settle down until my husband insisted we should put down roots and buy a house, when we were in our 40s. And now, here you and I both are, on a young widow site! I’m glad you have decided to leave the safety of your first relationship post-widowhood and look for what your heart truly needs.
  26. In all the years DH and I were living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and doing life together, never did we go a day without communication. Maybe I'm missing something, but when you're living with someone and sharing your life with them, isn't it the same thing as marriage without the legal document? If I were traveling or he was traveling, we always checked in with each other daily. I think the majority of people in loving relationships would WANT to do that. Arneal, I think if given the choice, you'd choose that over not hearing from him for 2-3 days or more. I'm just feeling bad about your situation. Not judging it.
  27. This site has opened my eyes up to so many differences in relationships and expectations. My parents married in 1950, meeting in college. My dad was in WW II. They were homebodies, church attendees and mainly did activities that were volunteer types of organizations. Married 56 yrs. My older brother by 14 yrs is a doctorate level marriage and family therapist. He and his wife both went seminary. Best friends. Talk daily though may be in different parts of the world. Took a 3 week trip for their 40th wedding anniversary. That’s my experience and therefore expectation of marriage. Not for everyone but mine. And don’t I know it😉! So RAM, not needy just different.
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