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  1. Today
  2. Love2fish

    Will life suck forever (on the top of grief)?

    Leadfeather said it. We are only looking for one, finding that one makes it worth the frogs you have to kiss. You only want the cream of the crop and it takes time to separate the 95% at the bottom from the one you deserve. I really am sorry you had this happen. I've felt this same pain several times. Then I found my Precious and it was all so worth it. I lost Precious this spring to cancer. It was still worth it all and I will do it again.
  3. Yesterday
  4. Love2fish

    RI Chocolate Bago!

    I am looking forward to this. I was hoping to bring a date but she is busy. I will be driving down alone from either Ashby or Wells that day. If anyone near either area wants to ride share I'm game. I can easily fit 3 more.
  5. Leadfeather

    Will life suck forever (on the top of grief)?

    I am sorry you went through this. Don’t give up. It only takes one good one to make weeding through the bad ones worth it.
  6. sandrine2279

    Will life suck forever (on the top of grief)?

    Thank you for your kind support I just took my stuff back at his flat yesterday. I didn't cry. He almost did. He said I am sorry and I just answered that there was no need to be sorry (I already told him... that I didn't want him to apologize cos I don't care). I made him feel like the piece of sh..... he has been to me... not saying the truth. gosthing me for a week.... now I have to work on not devaluating myself although he feels better with her (well, he talked about her like his was talking about me 2 weeks ago). I am not asking for anybody to treat me in a different way just because I am a widdow but... how was he able to hurt me so much knowing what I have been through? it is strange to feel heartbroken 3 years after such a grief. so I question what to do....loneliness is hard to.... but if trying to meet someone just causes more pain... (hugs)
  7. rifatheroffour

    RI Chocolate Bago!

    BUMPING! I'm still on for this next weekend. Please let me know here or via PM if you are interested or need an address. I'd love to see some newer faces. Getting together with other young widow/ers was one of the best decisions I made on this journey.
  8. Last week
  9. arneal

    Let's Celebrate!!!

    So weird, car buying. I went to CarMax for my last purchase a few years back. I'd seen the vehicle online and they shipped it to a closer dealer. I had an existing loan via a credit union on one of the broken vehicles in my driveway. When I applied for a loan for the CarMax car, having the credit union loan wasn't a problem. I got a ride to their place from a neighbor who drove for Lyft; when I got there, the salespeople were disappointed -- they told me a lot of them were hoping I wouldn't come to get the car because so many wanted it. It was clean and low-mileage. I did all the paperwork and drove my (new to me) vehicle home. A few days later, I get a call from the loan people, saying they were not going to approve my loan because of the other one, which wasn't behind or anything. No one could answer me about why it was a problem. I argued that if it had been a problem, they should have never approved me and told CarMax everything was fine. CarMax contacted them as well and somehow, in the background, it got resolved. However, it took about three or four months. Dreadful stress, that was.
  10. soloact

    Let's Celebrate!!!

    The car buying was a trip! I did that three years ago. Not fun. The first signed deal was a late model low milage used car. I was having a sensible shoes moment. They wasted three days fooling around. Told me the service recommended by my mechanic on PPI was done. I went to pickup the car for follow up PPI. Salesman started mumbling and lying all over again. I asked for the service slip to take to the mechanic. I blame everything on my mechanic and hide behind him shamelessly. He mumbled something about the printer. He finally appeared. The rear break rotors were turned not replaced as agreed. He disappeared someplace. A woman who looked like forty miles of bad road plopped down at the desk. She never introduced herself or addressed me by my name. She said she was there to help me with financing. lol. I told her to send over the used car manager. He came and wanted to start the title work! I told him to refund my deposit. I'm done. He gave me a tune that they don't have rotors in stock. I told him of three dealers within a twenty minute drive. Send a runner, get the rotors, do the service or refund. We did the refund. I bought a new car as per usual. The kid who was the sales consultant tried to change the numbers we agreed on via phone when we did the test drive. I wouldn't budge. He started to hard sell black. I was not buying black. He continued to hassle me. Finally I told him they can put me in a black one when I'm dead. He had a temper flare. Lol Why is it that a cash sale with no trade makes them think they can play with the numbers?
  11. arneal

    Let's Celebrate!!!

    Hey there, klim -- congrat's on retirement. I trust that you will find a good space in which to place your energies. I often chuckle at the idea that retirement means doing less -- everyone I know who has retired has ended up busier than they were before!
  12. Eddienhp

    Returning to Oz…

    So great to hear your happy news, Maureen. I came to widowhood in November 2011 so I remember your name and history. Thank you for sharing your story of resilience, determination and hope!
  13. klim

    facing my inner demon....

    For me the shoulda...woulda...coulda ebbs and flows. Sometimes I say I shoulda...woulda...coulda . But more often now I think HE shoulda...woulda...coulda.........how was I supposed to know how his body was feeling? And yet in reality there is no one to blame , He had a defective heart. He tried to live a healthy life, and maybe because he did succeed in being very fit that he didn't notice the symptoms of his heart attack ........or maybe he chose to ignore them. In the end it is what it is
  14. klim

    Let's Celebrate!!!

    Congratulations to all of you. I find it interesting reading all the different triumphs that each of you put claim. It shows that each of us have our own struggles( although buying a car seemed to be a common thread that I incidentally would agree with) My reason to celebrate is I've retired. And yes that is often viewed as a reason to celebrate for anybody but for me it was BIG because work was my refuge, my status quo area of my life. Home life changed suddenly when DH died, parenting dramatically changed, social life dramatically changed but work stayed. the same. Not only that,my coworkers were my access to a secondary adult opinion about parenting...and then dating. So retiring meant giving that up.
  15. fairlanegirl

    Have you ever been called out?

    Surely the devil in the detail here - it really depends on what's going on and how much people really know about the situation? As in, there is a difference between criticizing someone's parenting because the kids have untidy rooms, just as an example, and mum or dad collapsing in a booze- or drug-addled heap every night and neglecting them? I guess if you are thinking of making a comment, it must be pretty obviously bad?
  16. Bubu27

    facing my inner demon....

    @RyanAmysMom Yes I do understand it. I should have gone with Ken to A&E 3 days after his first sepsis symptoms occurred. Even though I didn't know it was sepsis I felt something wasn't right. And even though I was reminding Ken to mention his symptoms (shivering, vomiting etc) to them, I chose to stay home to finish of the essay for my University. Had I gone with him that day, sepsis might have been detected earlier and Ken could still be here today. Or might have not but I will never know and have to leave with the guilt till I die.
  17. soloact

    facing my inner demon....

    In the early days I did the same thing. It was selfish and I knew it. If I did something differently he would still have been there with me. The early grief is so cruel. Just today I thought of one now obvious thing I should have done. It's almost twelve years and those thought still happen. They don't paralyze me now. Still this widow thing is a B!
  18. Love2fish

    Will life suck forever (on the top of grief)?

    I've felt that way often. Tough to explain the ways it's worse. Deeper when remembrance of our other loss/losses creeps in?
  19. laurie27

    Returning to Oz…

    Maureen, Reading your post gives me hope that there will be a life after Mark, I'm probably just not quite ready yet. You sound happy and that makes me happy for you. Enjoy life in Kansas!
  20. StillWidowed

    Will life suck forever (on the top of grief)?

    Sandrine, I experienced the same thing. I thought I could never hurt more than losing my DH. But I fell for a man and he broke my heart. In some ways it was worse. My DH didn't want to leave me. My ex bf did. Rejection and watching them move on with someone else is very painful.
  21. sandrine2279

    Will life suck forever (on the top of grief)?

    Update.... things getting worse... in fact he met someone else and has a crush... sigh... life is still brutal after grief. 3 years ago I thought I couldn t hurt for anything else than loosing my bear... but... I can...
  22. trying2breathe

    Have you ever been called out?

    I sure hope that if somebody makes the effort to call somebody out on what they consider to be inadequate parenting, they'd be willing to step up and be supportive. As if widowed parents don't have enough going on. My kids were 14 and 16 when DH died, a bit older and somewhat independent. About a year after DH died, I was called out in group therapy - for ignoring my daughter's needs and allowing her to dally into some drug use. I was mad - here was a group of therapists - none of them parents - telling me that I was doing it wrong. And I wanted to scream that I was trying my best. Ultimately they helped me and my daughter, we were provided attention and support for what we were going through. It was tough but worth it to go through this, I'm not sure if the outcome would be as good as it is today if we hadn't gone through therapy. Maybe a different scenario than what your friend is going through - but my 2 cents.
  23. trying2breathe

    facing my inner demon....

    There's not a day that I don't think of him without regret about not doing more. I've come to accept that maybe it would not have made a difference, but I'll never know. I tried my best, but the woulda, shoulda, couldas run a loop in my mind. Yep, like others here I understand.
  24. serpico

    Have you ever been called out?

    Thanks for the responses so far. Just to be clear, this isn’t a CPS sort of thing. Stuff that needs addressed, for sure, but nothing sexual or criminal.
  25. tybec

    Have you ever been called out?

    First, I like RAM's response, as she stated there are so many things you may not know and assume, so being prepared to help the person out is important. It's like a having a teacher that is known to send many kids for office referrals. HE/she likely needs help in her classroom, not that he/she is a "bad" teacher. Resources. Relationship matters, of course, in being able to constructively criticize and offer support. Many of us were told how to handle things with our love one's death. It was not always helpful to hear. Audience and timing matters, right? Third, as a trauma treatment and kid therapist, the law in the US in most states is: If you suspect abuse or neglect, you report it. Let the experts investigate. You are not trained or have the ability to do so, especially if you are in a relationship with them. You are not able to be non bias. Sexual abuse - YOU report. You do not talk to them about it. It is anonymous. PLEASE report. Churches and schools cannot handle this or families nor should they. It is illegal for them to do their own investigation, and it happens ALL the time. "The parent should first be confronted but be told that CPS will be contacted if the issue doesn't improve. " NO, you don't confront them. This gives them time to investigate, tell the victim overtly or covertly to keep it secret, change the story, prepare for an investigation , etc. And how do you know if it improves? NOT your role. And the victim suffers. Domestic violence as well. IT is the law. And mandated and needed. May not be the threads intent, but putting this info. out there. Good luck.
  26. Love2fish

    facing my inner demon....

    Obviously by the replies, you are not alone RAM. I have come to believe that if I lacked the somewhat spurious excuses for guilt that I would have to invent some completely contrived excuses. I needed a good cry this AM and your thread gave me that. Thanks ... sorta.
  27. Wheelerswife

    Returning to Oz…

    I haven’t posted a ramble in quite some time. It is time for another, I suppose. I will try to give the Cliff Notes version of my story for those who may not be familiar. I have been a member of this club for almost 10 years – class of 2009. September 22nd, to be exact. Just typing that statement leaves me gasping. 10 years! I lost my husband Barry to the expected complications of a progressive neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I bought into early widowhood when I fell in love with a man with a disease that would end his life early. He was initially predicted to die by age 5. He made it to 53. We were together about 18 ½ years and married over 17. About 6 months after he died, I started a conversation with a wonderful widower named John who I met on the previous iteration of this website (YWBB). We lived half the country apart, but we decided to meet, and we developed a very deep love. I moved to Kansas to be with him and we married a year after we met. We lived life as fully as we were able. We were happy. We still missed our late spouses, but we were able to move forward. If I can be honest, we were both happier than we had ever been. 5 ½ years ago, when I was back on the east coast visiting friends, John died in his sleep 5 days shy of his 57th birthday. He failed to respond to messages, and I called the police to check on him. Unbeknownst to us, he had significant heart failure. Fortunately, I was surrounded by widow friends the day he died and the next day as well, and then I returned home to face the emptiness. At 51, I had been widowed twice. And…to complicate matters, 12 days after John died, I started having medical issues, ended up having surgery 4 weeks later, and was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. I just wanted it to kill me. It hasn’t, and I have passed the 5-year mark without recurrence (which is very rare for my rare smooth muscle cancer.) My first career was a 26-year jaunt as a physical therapist. Once I moved to Kansas, I came to the unexpected conclusion that I no longer wanted to practice. My husband, who was a university professor, supported me in my decision and encouraged me to take advantage of tuition reimbursement and go back to school to study whatever I wished. I was finishing up one degree when my husband died. The university community was devastated with the death of my beloved and well-respected husband and I found compassion and support at the university. I finished that degree (through surgery and a cancer diagnosis as well) and then went on to obtain a Master’s degree in Higher Education Student Affairs. 2 years ago, after finishing my degrees and still grieving, I decided to move back to the east coast to be closer to family, old friends, and wid friends as well. My 90-year old father had been diagnosed with lung cancer, I wanted to be able to support my mother through his illness, and I just needed to get away from the reminders of what I had lost. I rented my house in Kansas to a young professor. I spent a few months with my parents. My father remained stable – and still is 2 ½ years after diagnosis – not sure he even has a malignancy. It took me the better part of a year to find a job in my field. I loved my work and my students – but not my boss or the institution. It just wasn’t a good fit. I found out at the end of January that my renters of my house in Kansas were leaving. That started my thinking about the possibilities of selling my house, renting again – or moving back. My decision was confirmed in April, when I traveled back to participate in a day the university has named for my husband that celebrates research and creative activities on campus. I missed the small-town life in rural Kansas (hate the rat race of New England!) and I realized that 2 years away had brought me to a better place emotionally. So…I have clicked the heels of my ruby-red shoes and I have moved back to Kansas! I just started a new job at the university where my husband taught and where I earned my last 2 degrees. It feels good to be here. I never thought I would move back into my house – which I plan to redecorate over time – but I am here. I miss him. A lot. But…I feel more ready to build my own life again. I realize how I walked around the first 3 ½ years after John died with my eyes on the ground. I needed to leave here to start looking up again. The university keeps my husband’s legacy alive – and I have been welcomed back with open arms. I guess I am thinking…there’s no place like home! Thanks for reading... Maureen
  28. RyanAmysMom

    Have you ever been called out?

    I have a couple of perspectives on this.... First - if it's important enough to approach them, then you can't worry too much about how they'll receive it..... (If you're worrying about how it will be received, perhaps you're not the right one to deliver it...?) If the parent is being irresponsible, they need to be called out - but maybe not called out, but offers of support need to be made. I know I have had times of inappropriate parenting (setting a bad example, being selfish, making poor choices) when I needed support - when I felt the most lonely, the most desperate.... But the bottom line is.. I needed someone to not JUST point it out, but to support me through it.. help me see another way... If the parenting issue is putting a child in danger (any form of abuse including sexual, verbal, physical, neglect, hunger, etc.) then the parent should first be confronted but be told that CPS will be contacted if the issue doesn't improve. But again... if you care enough to get involved, be part of the solution, as well. I have received a lot of feedback about how I raise my son.... Crap shoveled on me because I don't make him "man-up" and do chores like mowing the lawn, or other stupid things... But what the world doesn't see is what he DOES do for me and our family. I've given him a lot of leeway emotionally - removed a LOT of stressors from him (pulled him from public school, delayed learning to drive, etc.) because what others don't know is that he has previously made suicide threats and has extremely intense anxiety issues.... So... recognize that there may be more to the situation than you know..... And if you get involved.... Help all the way through to the solution - don't just criticize... Because the person probably knows they're failing.. but they don't have the knowledge, or energy, or resources, or strength to fix it.... Jen
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