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TornApart

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  • Date Widowed
    21 January 2013
  • Cause of death
    Brain tumour


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  1. TornApart

    Had to say goodbye to our "son"

    I'm so sorry. Just opens the wound again. My husband's cat and my cat kept me alive through the first two years. His cat died at 2 years out, once he had got my through. Lost the final member of our family just before the 5 year mark. So many things I shared and loved with him are gone now. My furbabies were the worst, of course, but I also have weird moments where I feel sentimental about throwing out a towel or something random because it was from our time together.
  2. TornApart

    Not really family

    Yeah. Strange feeling to know that there are photos of you at their family functions when you were 'one of them'. But, I have decided to feel liberated by it instead. I married him. I wanted him. Everything else is / was secondary, and was just part of him. So it has gone with him. And honestly, there was a lot of toxic baggage there, so better off without it. But does cut your anchor tying you to your old life.
  3. It's hard work. It's hard to keep going some days. But the practice makes it easier after a while. For me, anyway. I still feel lost occasionally after more than 5 years. But less and less. Hope it gets easier for you too. Feel proud of how hard you have worked to survive.
  4. So glad you decided to do it. Took my 18 months to go against all the advice of my family and friends (all people that hadn't lost their partner) and take 3 months off. Best thing I ever did. Go with your gut instinct. Listen to your inner voice.
  5. TornApart

    Nobody gets it

    We get it. We are here for you - we know. Wish we didn't all know this pain.
  6. Wheelerswife's advice is 100% right - the firefighters and the builders. And Mike's advice about 'be gentle with yourself'. At the time I got so angry and resentful. The people saying these things could go home and cry in their lover's arms if they felt sad. But the one person that had my back and the only person that could make me feel better... he was gone forever. At 11 weeks out, one of my family members asked "aren't you over it yet?" Breathtaking. I hid my pain from then on because even the people that loved me most could say such cruel, thoughtless things that actually made me feel worse and more alone. My 'best friend' disappeared after a few weeks because 'the pain is too much'. His best man promised at his deathbed to take care of me for him... never saw him again after the funeral. Abandonment is hard. Hiding my pain, pretending in front of the people that I should have been able to be honest in front of... I didn't handle it well, or with grace. So, my lesson, which I hope helps... forgive yourself. Don't hide how you are feeling for the comfort of others. Other people that knew him are also going through their own pain. You are in such raw pain that every single thing will hurt - even things said or done with the best of intentions. You are surviving the most horrendous time of your life. Do what you need to survive, including stepping away from people that are not helpful in your survival right now. They will still be there later if they are the right people. Your contacts list and address book changes. People will leave your life, but others will step up or come into it. Your mind and body will find all kinds of ways to try and cope with the unbearable pain - including converting it into anger or depression or passivity. You can survive this alone. You will come out stronger and more compassionate and more appreciative of what really matters in life. I'm sorry for your pain.
  7. The things people say. I can roll my eyes now, but back when it was raw 5 years ago... so much easier not to be around anyone because of the unbearable platitudes. Now I am just happy for them that they haven't been through it so don't have a clue. They mean well. They just have no idea. I wish I still had no idea of the pain. I wish you didn't. I can't decide if I preferred the people that said silly but well-meaning things, or the people that just disappeared because they didn't know how to deal.
  8. TornApart

    Letter to a Friend

    Bumping because this letter is so helpful
  9. TornApart

    The in-laws strike again

    What an a-grade b*tch. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for controlling yourself and maintaining your dignity. Out-laws... i basically divorced them and that's when i started healing. But to be fair, my MIL has been beautiful to me, if a bit clueless and torn because her children attacked her for supporting me. Sorry you are coping with that hideousness on top of it all.
  10. Thanks all. It does help to be able to reach out on this forum. You all know how hard it is to keep going and wear 'the face' in public when it is taking all your strength just to get out of bed. You are right - most people assume we are 'over it' by a certain point.
  11. Today would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. We got in 5 anniversaries before he died. No one remembered. Not bitter. Just wanted to acknowledge it somewhere. Not a FB post where everyone reacts with 😢. Just somewhere where the people that read it get it. I'm ok.
  12. TornApart

    Grief and Friends

    Me too. Talk to grocer. Go to pilates and be an invisible participant. Drift through the weekend
  13. Me too. Feel like i went through this whole realisation / awakening after years of grief and now I am back to how I was before he died, just alone. Work, chores, sleep, repeat.
  14. TornApart

    The elasticity of time

    Oh wow. Hadn't realised this. True. Spins my head.
  15. Have always wondered why i had never dreamed of him. Finally. Only a few seconds, but every angle of his face, the look in his eyes, his shape. Wow.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    21 January 2013
  • Cause of death
    Brain tumour


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