I haven’t been on this site in such a long time. But here I am once again looking for answers. Or, I should say, I guess I’m looking for guidance.
Almost Four weeks ago my grandson’s mother committed suicide. She left behind my 3 1/2 year old little grandson. And it is ripping my heart out.
My heart and my gut always kinda knew that she was struggling with some kind of mental illness. Even though her family always blamed her depression on my son. At the time of her death My son wasn’t together with her any more. They haven’t been together in 3 years.
My son and my grandson are living with me now. I’m so thankful that I can be there for them in this way. But at the same time, I’m really struggling with so much anger towards her. My heart also hurts for her. And it hurts that she was in such a deep dark place. But the anger far outweighs the hurt for her. How could she do this to him? Now he’s left behind without a mommy. And I don’t understand it!
As far as I know she Never once reached out and asked for help. And I’m angry about that. Why didn’t she call the crisis hotline? Or Why didn’t she just run out in the middle of the street and scream for help? Instead, she just wrote a sticky note saying “I’m sorry”. And one that said “I love you G”. And sticky notes expressing “his likes and dislikes”. Wasn’t he worth more than a sticky note?
I know I don’t understand mental illness. But here I am left with no choice but to try to figure it out. Figure out how to be here for my grandson. And also to try to Figure out how to be here for my son. Who was still in love with her.
Its getting harder and harder hearing my little grandson say “My mommy is dead”. And he repeats it over and over throughout the day. Now he relates anything and everything that isn’t working with it being dead. If his toy needs new batteries, he says his toy is dead. Apparently her family explained his mommy’s death to him this way. That’s not the way that I would have explained it to him. I’m angry about that too. But Who am I to say what is the right way or wrong way to explain it to him. I just know I wouldn’t have.
If I’m this confused and full of emotions, I can’t even begin to imagine what my little grandson is going through. I know I’m really angry that she has filled his little heart with these emotions now.
Thank you for listening to an old timer. I lost my husband suddenly almost 7 years ago. I depended on the old forum to help me get through my worst days. Now here I am looking for help in another kind of way.
I always said it’s the ones who are left behind that have to learn how to move forward.
