Abitlost

It's tough CW. I yearn for the stable, secure family life in which DH and I worked as completely dedicated teammates. We always had each other's back, took equal pride in our kids, and shared in the burden of challenges. The realization that that can never happen in any other relationship is gutting. Never again will my kids have two parents that have the same goals in raising them, or the cohesive energy of our family unit. I know you never got a chance to have that with your DH, and my heart breaks for you. My NG is a good sounding board for me and supports me in my only-parenting, but his priority is of course his kids. Conversely, I am removed from his parenting challenges, and have a wide eye as to what I want or don't want my kids exposed to. This I owe my kids. Happily there isn't much ex drama, but still our families have different standards, expectations, and values. I don't judge his, nor does he mine, but we are each doing it our own way and I'm good with that.

Congratulations Rob!!!

Hi Julia, I'm sorry you had reason to find us, but I'm glad we are here for you. I, too, had my grief complicated by a legal situation that went on for years. It was a different situation than what you describe, but it made an already stressful time all the much more. I'm glad you have your daughters and mother by your side as you navigate the imaginable. abl

CW, I don't think there is anything "wrong" with moving slowly with great thought and consideration to what that next step will be. Things are so different in re-coupling, especially when there are kids involved. I long ago decided what was right for me and my kids was not to move in or get married until my kids are grown. This ended my first post-widow relationship. ExBF pushed me for four years to blend, but I would not raise my kids in his dysfunctional, drama-filled world. I am soooo glad I held strong and let that one go. My NG and I have been together now for over two years. On date one, we both spoke to how we did not want to blend families. His second marriage ended in a failed blending attempt. NG and I have a wonderful, supportive relationship and I have no doubt I want to be with him for the long haul, but living together will wait until after the youngest kid is out of the house. I have also fended off remarks from friends that it's strange I don't want to blend. That's okay, my NG and I are on the same page. Those same friends encouraged me to blend with exBF. Only you know what's right for you and your son. abl Edited to add there was a lot of drama with ExBF's kids and his ex-wife, as well as his mother. I would not allow any of that to touch my kids' lives. Did I mention how happy I am to be removed from all of that?

Hi CW, I hear you loud and clear. Almost 10 years into being an only-living parent with zero support (the closest family is a thousand miles away), I have gone through periods of anger, resentment, exhaustion, and weariness. My own mother once told me that she knows what it's like to be a single parent because my dad worked late - like 7pm - some nights. 🙄 Divorced friends mutter over how little they get in child support, and how hard it is when they have to do everything alone (on their 50% of the days). A husband goes out of town for business and suddenly the moms are "single parents". (I will say, when my husband used to travel, it was hard. Certainly not only-parenting hard, but from our baseline normal family life, it was indeed hard.) At the moment, things are somewhat calm here, but there is never a time I am not grappling for one thing or another. Whether it is transportation, event coordination, financial stress, or a parenting challenge, it is all me, all the time, with no backup, safety net, or someone to tag in. Sure, there are things I could let go, but they are priorities to me, as scouts is to you, so I keep on keeping on. I long-ago gave up on expecting support and/or understanding from the outside world. I rarely ask for favors, saving them for emergency situations. As such, I realize I can't do it all, so some things of lower priority to me have fallen by the wayside. Comments such as you state above don't bother me much anymore. A pregnant pause or holding eye contact usually speaks volumes gets the point across. The fact is we all have things that challenge us, and they change over time. Just keep doing what you want to do for you and your son, and that will serve you both well. abl

Strange how life works, isn't it? I, too, have a softening of the predictable grief days and no longer experience them by the hour as if in real time. It seems as life goes on and more people experience what we have been prematurely living for years, it can come flooding back. We sit in the unenviable position of having experience of knowing what those joining the widow club are going through, while knowing that our lives go on pretty much as it had been. Life can just be sad and hard to digest.

I can see how adjusting to an instant family would be challenging on a number of levels, household tasks included. I saw this chore worksheet in the August issue of "Real Simple": https://www.realsimple.com/choreworksheet Maybe you could do the activity with NG and his four girls so they can see how much responsibility falls onto you, and then ask them to choose areas they are willing to up their game? I'm also a fan of hiring a cleaning crew, even if it's just monthly for a deep clean. abl

Congratulations Rob!!!!!! Well done!!!

For me, the second year was by far the worst. It was when I realized just how long dead is. I can't tell you exactly when things changed as it was a gradual shift for me, but eventually I got to a place where grief didn't bite me as hard as often. I will never be okay with my husband dying so young, but I am at peace with it.

Cyclist to cyclist, be careful out there! If I were in that part of the country I'd join you!

Mac, you are an incredible father. Cindy, of course, would be proud. Have a great Father's Day!

WW, I’m sorry if you took offense to my post. I specifically stated that from what you had written, it seemed that you were not being honest. Your original post read that you had a list of reasons why you didn’t want to see him again, but agreed anyway to “shut him up”, and then Anthony Bourdain’s death triggered you, so your plan was to “scare him away for good”/get him to “run for the hills” by telling him the truth, but instead of telling him the truth you had expressed here of why you didn’t want to see him again (“…coming on too strong is a complete and utter turn off. He doesn't see me or have any interest in seeing me. He wants a woman. A partner. A bedmate. A wife. If pawing me all night wasn't indication enough, inviting me to London for our second date was. Still not convinced? He insisted we'd have to share a room. Okay, you wanna chalk that up to "never hurts to ask", fine. What about when I tell him I don't eat pork and he takes me to a (very fancy) restaurant known as a pork restaurant. There was one dish I could eat. Clearly he not only didn't see me but didn't hear me.”, ), you told him you were sad. Yet instead of scaring him away, he still asked to see you. I am not debating whether you find him empathetic or not, or if you should see him again, but I’m not sure you see the inconsistencies in your statements…leading to my advice that you be honest with yourself. Minor example: this statement from your original post, “I’ve wanted out of this 2nd date since I agreed to it. I agreed to it just to shut him up.” conflicts with this sentiment from your second post “I was willing to try a second date originally because sometimes you need more information.” It’s okay to change your mind, but don’t be surprised when members of the board react to what you have written. This is a forum where nuances are hard to interpret and details often omitted. All we have to go off of it what you have written. My advice stands that you just be honest with yourself. If you had already decided you didn’t want to see him, if it were me, I would just tell him that and move on. You don’t need an excuse or to justify yourself to him or anyone else. Just be true to yourself. Edited to add: Your second post seems to indicate that your revelation was more geared toward sharing your grief with potential suitors, "the realization that I actually did not have to keep my grief hidden from people who potentially want to have a relationship with me was stunning. I have been dating for about 3 years and have never wanted to burden anyone with my loss and continued sadness. It was equally stunning to realize that sharing the lows would actually go far in helping who was worthy of the highs." WW, perhaps you can see how from what was written originally that this revelation seems to be an afterthought to your original intention, where you described that you had already decided that you didn't want to see him again and that sharing your sadness was designed to send him running for the hills. I'm all in favor of sharing feelings and honesty, but hopefully you can see where the confusion and reaction came from. abl

Klim, how very frightening. I am glad they caught it and are able to manage it! abl

I love this part. Congratulations! abl

WW, I'm sorry you were triggered by the recent celebrity death. A few notes for you to ponder regarding your eureka moment. In my experience, I agree that being honest about your feelings is the best approach. However, from what you wrote, that's not really what you did. You had decided you didn't want to go on a second date long before the recent trigger -- you didn't like that he came on too strong, or that he took you to a restaurant where you had little to choose from, or that he wanted to go to London and share a room for your second date. That's your truth right there. Still, you accepted another date with regrets just to shut him up? My advice to you would be to be more honest with yourself. He didn't take you to a pork restaurant against your will - you agreed to go there knowing your own eating restrictions. That's on you. You didn't like his forwardness yet still made another date. I'm not saying this guy deserves a second date (he wouldn't get one with me either!), but be honest with yourself...I think if you speak up for yourself in real time you might find better matches. Redo: Date: WW, let's go to Pork Restaurant for our first date. WW: I don't eat pork and don't want to go there; how about Restaurant X? Redo 2: Date: WW, let's go to London for our second date and share a room! WW: No, I am not interested in going away with someone I just met or sharing a room with him. You are coming on too strongly and I don't like it. Redo 3: Date: WW, can we have a second date on Sunday? WW: No, you are not the right match for me but I wish you all the best in finding what you are looking for. abl