Abitlost

I am so sorry for you and your daughter, Toosoon. You will learn all you can to manage the disease and you will gain control over it. Hang in there. abl

Trying, Storm aside, you are well-entitled to a massive pity party on what should have been your 25th anniversary! Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that your husband was out of the house on that day so that you could ride that wave alone? abl

November, I haven't read the other replies so forgive me if this is repetitive. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think you are moving too fast. You met him just six months ago. You introduced him to your kids just two months ago. I can see why your daughter is uneasy with the thought of him moving in, which would add a completely different dynamic to your family. Nobody really knows each other. To bring another person into your life is one thing, but to have him move in with you and your three kids is quite another. Edited to add: I just read the other responses. I am not conservative, at all. I have no problem whatsoever with open sleepovers. My concern stems from having a man who is so new to your life, and even newer to your kids' lives, move in with you, which disrupts not only the existing family structure and dynamic, but also the process of getting to know each other. That could have some unforeseen consequences for everyone. abl

WW, Is there a way to place the text from your blog here on the Widda site so we don't have to click a link and go off this site? I for one would prefer that! abl

CW, your message-in-a-bottle ritual with your son is perfect. I am glad you were able to find peace for you both on this day. abl

No Mike, I do not think she was deceitful. Being disabled does not render a person unathletic or inactive. Google Tatyana McFadden for starters; she has won the push-rim division of the Boston Marathon five times, along with several other accomplishments. Even if your date wasn't active or athletic, not revealing to you that she was disabled is hardly the same thing as intentional deception with a flat out lie about age. While you put athletic and active (which is obviously up for interpretation) in the wish-list of your profile, age is a concrete fact.

RAM, No, I don't think you are over-reacting. There is no one-size-fits-all explanation for why a person lies, but to me, a person who lies is not a person whom I care to get involved with. I find Portside's suggestion that he lied to broaden his search hits to be offensive and insulting, as if potential dates can't determine for themselves what their own parameters are? I think that is reflective of his character, implying that either he is special, he doesn't have to follow the rules, and/or he knows better than you what you want. Blech. I ran into plenty of liars before I met my keeper. One guy even lied about how many kids he had. (I didn't waste my time or energy to find out why.)

Steph I am sorry you are joining us. I, too, lost my husband to cancer. It has been more than 9 years, and while I won't say I'll ever be okay with losing him so tragically and so young, I am at peace with it. My life now is filled with love and joy. I'm sorry you have to leave your house, but know your husband will never leave your heart. abl

LF I'm sorry you are hurting. We have all stumbled, some (me) more than others. No need for embarrassment. My experience: while remaining in contact may ease the pain of the breakup, it really just prolongs it, and gives a little hope in the back of your mind that maybe something will change and work out (chances are this is highly unlikely). Plus, it really doesn't go over well with the new dates. Somebody said to me once that if you are hanging out with Mr. Wrong, it only blocks the view for Mr. Right.

First, congratulations on finding someone with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life! What a wonderful feeling! I can relate to much of what you are saying. While my BF and I are not there yet as I/we don't wish to blend our kids, I would like to marry...but financially it would be unwise before age 60 due to Social Security (my husband's account is much larger than my own, which I can collect only if I am unmarried at age 60). I have thought many of the same things...could we do a commitment ceremony, a non-legal marriage, what would we call each other?... As for your concerns regarding long-term care, have you looked at long-term care insurance? Or maybe larger life insurance policies?

Thanks for you hard work, Lewis! Looks great!

I also want to add... Many of our friends stepped too far back when my husband was sick. We both felt abandoned by many friends who felt uncomfortable as we truly were living everybody's worst nightmare, those that didn't know what to do so they disappeared, and those who just couldn't handle it. My husband really appreciated every card and letter he received, as well as every offer of help such as delivering meals, taking him to ballgames, taking him to appointments, etc. He couldn't drive from day one of diagnosis, so everything fell onto me, while also managing small kids. For some of his illness I couldn't leave him alone. I suggest you offer to take their kids places, bring them toys and books, take them for sleepovers. Bring them staples and leave them on their front porch. Keep in mind that this disease changes so rapidly that it may be hard (and stressful) for them to plan anything in advance. Simply calling and saying 'hey, we're off to the 4:00 showing at the movie, can we pick up your kids?', and if they say no, don't let that stop you from asking another time. You and your friends could show up and tend to their yard, ask if they need any repairs inside, trade cars so you can take theirs in for service...those type of things make a huge difference. Also put together an on-call list for them, so they know who to reach out to if he has a seizure or a fall or goes to the ER, etc.

Serpico, Sorry to hear of your friend. My husband died of GBM - Glioblastoma Multiforme, grade 4. There may be no worse disease. Sadly, you are probably correct in the prognosis, although there are some long-term survivors, and hope is essential. Brain cancer is like no other in because it affects the brain, which of course controls everything. Symptoms are far-ranging depending on where the tumor is, as well as other factors such as swelling, treatment effects, and so much more. His cognition, memory, processing, retention, judgment, behavior, motor control, hearing, vision, and so much more may be compromised and ever-changing, on a day-by-day and even minute-by-minute basis. That's a short way of saying you may not be dealing with the friend you once knew. His capacities may already be diminished, even if it doesn't appear that way. Trying to have a financial conversation with him, may be fruitless, and invasive, and frankly may best saved for when/if his future widow seeks assistance and/or advice. If it were me, I would simply reassure your friend and his wife that you are available to help them if/how/when they want/need you. As far as how to help now, you may want to pass on to the wife that the American Brain Tumor Association has a caregiver (and patient) mentor program where they are matched one-to-one with a support person that has been there, because truly the disease is a bear to navigate. abl

CW, you have gotten some good feedback here. I think, for me, uneasy feelings come in waves when I am most stressed and/or weary. Just keep up your self care...eating well, exercising, getting good sleep, socializing, and taking time for yourself. And, don't be too hard on yourself. abl

That was the phrase spoken by a group of friends today in discussing the Bushes. I reminded them that yes, I can, because I have. They tried to clarify that they were talking about losing your partner after 73 years of marriage, and that at 93, most friends are dead, and what does he have to live for? I fell silent, and exited the conversation. They weren't trying to be unkind I know, it was just a DGI comment. I truly am happy for them that they can't imagine it.