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  1. SB...I'm glad your son and the girlfriend know you saw her fuck me text. That right there is a pretty good mood killer. How about setting up nanny cams? Or just telling your son that you are. (That's not a playback you'd ever want to see...)
  2. Abitlost

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    Powbesh, hang in there. It sounds like your husband was sick for a long time. Those first few days and weeks are very disorienting as all your caregiving comes to an abrupt halt. Sometimes caregivers forget how to take care of themselves. These early days just focus on the basics of nourishment and sleep. Exercise is good, too -- even just a walk in fresh air. Try to surround yourself in things that bring you comfort. Maybe a cozy blanket or a favorite movie and call a friend to come over and just talk or sit with you. Hugs! abl
  3. Abitlost

    My Daughter doesn't like my NG

    Wow November, you sure expedited your move in schedule even faster than what you originally told your kids! It sound like just five months after meeting your kids, your new guy moved in even though your daughter expressed discontentment with that idea. If I were your daughter, I'd be upset as well. You state that "kids grow up and at some point leave to live their lives without looking back"...yet she is still living at home! Frankly if I were her I would feel like my feelings didn't matter and I'd be counting the days until I could leave. You are obviously happy with your decision and your priorities so I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really feel for your daughter and understand her resentment.
  4. Abitlost

    Holiday question

    Needytoo, I'm so sorry for the struggles with your eldest. I don't have any experience with drug or alcohol abuse, but friends who have walked that road have come to the same conclusion as your friends -- nothing good will happen while they are enabled. I know it's a tough course, and I'm glad you have a solid partner to support you. abl
  5. Abitlost

    For those further along (5+years)

    I'm 10 years out. I'm still in the midst of raising kids to the best of my ability but not a day goes by that my husband's absence isn't missed. The absence isn't a bring-me-to-my-knees pain most of the time, but more of a matter of I'm down a player and it shows (at least to me, the rest of the world -- my kids included --- thinks I've got it all handled gracefully...ha!) I was in a relationship at 2-6.5 years out that I deeply regret in retrospect; he was not the man for me long term and I always knew that, yet I put far too much energy into the relationship which would have been better focused on myself, my kids, and/or a better man. After that I refused to settle and went through 41 men before I found my keeper. Still, we keep things separate for now as both our kids come first, and I'm fine with that. Do I feel like the old me? Nope; the old me hadn't gone through the loss of a spouse and ten years of solo parenting. Am I happy with myself and my life now? Yup, I think I've done okay. Do I wish things had been different? I won't torture myself in contemplating that.
  6. Abitlost

    Anticipatory Grieving

    Hi Silverfish, GBM widow here, 10 years out now. I'm so sorry for your loss. The disease is a beast, and the caregiving extreme. Add to that being a young parent, it's more unfathomably challenging. I long ago forgave myself for any shortcomings as a caregiver. Yes, I felt that way for a long time. After my husband died, I had no interest in dating. I was horribly offended when people suggested I should or would or could. My own feelings morphed about two years in, and I have been in two committed relationships since. My advice would be to not burden yourself with this thought right now, but rather revisit your feelings if and when they change. For now, just focus on grieving in your own way and supporting your grieving children. Hugs, abl
  7. Oh Sugarbell, my heart sunk with yours. It sounds like you've handled this quite well, from prepping him with contraceptives over a year ago to keeping the lines of communication open. Major kudos to you! Still, I get what you are saying about being mortified. I can't tell from your message...did you always not like the girl, or is that a new dislike because of their recent intimacy? If it's the latter, try to keep your feelings in check and be welcoming to his relationship; it could payoff in everyone's favor.
  8. Abitlost

    16 Years- One Tough Cookie

    Thank you, Judy. That was beautiful and what I needed as I approach my 10-year sadiversary. Much in my life is the same, but there is more change than not. Sometimes I'm stuck, other times flowing with energy. Half my friends never met DH, a fact I sometimes forget because I often feel like he just left. Then I get gobsmacked at all that he has missed. Widowhood never ends.
  9. I'm so sorry hopon. Facing cancer alone must be difficult. I'm sure it's frightening for your kids as well, especially having lost one parent already. I'm glad you have the pajamas to wrap yourself in. abl
  10. Abitlost

    Holiday question

    I'd go with the former. Your sons are adults, and don't seem very interested in the holiday. You are. So, for yourself, I would make a meal to have with them, then go enjoy yourself with NG's family.
  11. Abitlost

    When to Tell

    Date one, or sometimes earlier if I met them online.
  12. I stopped wearing my ring at around six months. I remember feeling completely out of sorts trying to raise my young kids, and I felt that people would assume I had a living husband helping me so why was I struggling so? In retrospect, that was a silly reason to take it off. I would put it back on to sleep with sometimes which made me feel whole. Even almost 10 years later I put it on from time to time.
  13. DH loved baseball and in his final year watched a lot on TV with our dog by his side. Even 9 years later, when I turn on a game and she hears the announcers, my dog looks around for DH.
  14. Yesterday and forever ago at the same time wraps it up. I hope your day was peaceful and full of loving memories.
  15. It's tough CW. I yearn for the stable, secure family life in which DH and I worked as completely dedicated teammates. We always had each other's back, took equal pride in our kids, and shared in the burden of challenges. The realization that that can never happen in any other relationship is gutting. Never again will my kids have two parents that have the same goals in raising them, or the cohesive energy of our family unit. I know you never got a chance to have that with your DH, and my heart breaks for you. My NG is a good sounding board for me and supports me in my only-parenting, but his priority is of course his kids. Conversely, I am removed from his parenting challenges, and have a wide eye as to what I want or don't want my kids exposed to. This I owe my kids. Happily there isn't much ex drama, but still our families have different standards, expectations, and values. I don't judge his, nor does he mine, but we are each doing it our own way and I'm good with that.

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