Thank you all for sharing your experiences and for being willing to offer your responses, support, and advice. These posts are an incredible resource.
I lost my husband to suicide in March. He was dealing with anxiety exacerbated by perceived stress at work and was struggling with defining his role in society and being a new father. In hindsight, he was likely hiding a deep depression from everyone, including himself. His death and suicide came without warning; he had never once mentioned any thoughts of suicide. We were longstanding friends since high school and had been happily married for 4 years. Both of us were established in our careers, we had just purchased our "forever" home and welcomed our first child in October.
I suspected something was off when I received a call from daycare several minutes before close that no one had picked up our five month old son. He had dropped our son off at daycare that morning and was supposed to have picked him up that evening. I was the one who found the body; he had died from a self-inflicted GSW.
It is not any easier, but it helps to know that other SOS have confronted similar situations and asked themselves the same questions. Such as when I invariably get asked, "So what kind of work does your husband do?" Oftentimes it's easier to answer as if he is still alive, because informing the person that my husband has died leads to uncomfortable silence, mumbled words of empathy, looks of pity, and wanting to know what happened. Being encouraged by well-meaning friends to participate in suicide prevention activities/awaremenss when I have my doubts on whether it would have really prevented my husband's suicide which by all accounts was an unplanned and impulsive act. He was going to counseling, utilizing coping mechanisms, started taking medication...not sure what else we could have done. Although still a long ways away, my brain is already trying to process what and how to tell my 9-month-son when he is older about how his father died. I know that there are no right answers and processing grief is a deeply personal experience, but thank you to everyone for offering your perspective. It is comforting to know that other people have navigated this journey. You are all a testament that life does go on.