geminigirl

First let me just say I'm so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks just reading your story. My husband died 2 1/2 years ago in an accident leaving me to care for our then two year old daughter alone. In the very beginning I thought the pain would never go away and it still hurts but I'm surviving. It took awhile but I even have good days now and someday you will too. Raising my daughter alone has been a challenge but also a joy and today I can say I'm doing alright and mean it. For now though just take each day as it comes and don't think too far in the future. I know it hurts so much but just hang on and when you don't think you can take any more just hang on a little longer. Hold your sweet baby and make it through another day.

I'm at 16 months now and we just started eating at the kitchen table again about 3 months ago. When my husband was alive we always ate dinner at the table as a family but I couldn't bear to sit there with just me and my toddler after he was gone. It was just way too depressing and a huge reminder that he was missing. Shortly after he died I bought my daughter a little picnic table and we ate most meals there or at the coffee table. Well she ate and I sat with her. I barely ate the first year and lost 50 pounds. Now that we've been back at the table a few months I've gotten used to him not being there and most of the time it doesn't bother me that much. I've started to eat again like a mostly normal person and gained a little weight back too.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pain. It's been 16 months for me now but I had my first birthday just 3 weeks after my husband died and just 2 weeks after that was his birthday and 3 weeks after that was our baby's second birthday. At the time I thought I was going to die from the aching in my heart but somehow I made it through those first horrible milestones and you will too. My advice is just survive and the day will pass. I know the loneliness feels unbearable at times but that too will eventually lift a little. Hugs to you, birthdays suck!

Welcome and sorry you're a member of our sad club. I'm at 14 months out now and I know it doesn't seem possible now but one day it will hurt a little less. At one week out just try to focus on survival and try not to look too far ahead. All you have to do at this moment is get through the next hour and that's it. Eat a little something if you can and surround yourself with the people that love you. Come here and vent all you need to because we speak your language now and understand exactly how you feel. Just reading your words brings me back to those early days and my heart hurts for you.

Thanks for responding. My emotions are still all over the place but I do have some good days now. They're not good like before my husband died but they're better than the first 6 months. I don't think life will ever really be good like that again but anything is better than the pain I felt in the very beginning. The pain still hits me hard sometimes. Like all of you know it seems to come in waves. At least now I know the wave will pass eventually even if it will return. I've just learned to enjoy the good moments when I have them. I never imagined I would end up in a relationship so quickly but it really did just happen. Falling in love again is exciting and terrifying. Calling someone my boyfriend is bizarre. I'm still not completely comfortable with it and not totally out with everyone I know. Some part of me feels guilty. I still love my husband and I'm falling in love with another man at the same time, it's a strange thing. Anyway, thanks for reading. I needed to get all this out somewhere and you are my people at heart.

A letter to my husband on the one year anniversary of your death, I can't believe it's been a whole year. How can that be possible. I just talked to you in the kitchen. We said "good bye" and "I love you" and then you died later that day. It seems like 5 minutes ago and 20 years at the same time. Was that even us? I barely remember being that woman. I just miss you so much! I miss everything about you. I miss being us. I miss being a family. I miss the look in our daughter's eyes when you walked into a room. You were our light. It's so dark without you. Sometimes I'm so mad at you. How could you leave us. How could you abandon me with our baby. She needs her father. I know it's not your fault. You wanted to live. It was a stupid accident, you were working to take care of us. I blame myself too. I'm really trying to get better and move forward but somedays I fail miserably. It's so hard being a single mom, I'm always exhausted. I'm dating someone. I might love him. It's not like the love we had but he gets me most of the time and I'm so lonely. He's not you but he's good in his own way. I hope you understand. I still love you but you're not coming back and I need a connection with someone here. I'm so sorry for everything. I wish I could give you my life. I wish none of this happened. I still think about you everyday. Our girl will know how amazing her father was. I'll never forget the love you gave me and the joy you brought into my life. My heart still aches for you. I'll love you till there is no me. Love, P

Thanks Manoj maybe I'll try meetup. I tried them years ago when I was looking to meet some older stay at home moms but I never actually went to any events. I've always found it hard to make new friends but it would be nice to have someone in real life to talk to about what I'm going through that really gets it. If I told my friends and family what I were really feeling or thinking most of the time they would probably think I'm crazy (which I am at times.)

I went to a grief support group a few times in the months following my husband's death but the meetings were in the evenings and it got too hard to get a babysitter so I stopped going. I don't really feel like the meetings I went to were all that helpful at the time anyway. I went to a widows group and nearly all of the widows were over 60 and I felt completely out of place (I'm 39.) They were nice women but I just couldn't relate to them at all. It would be nice to find something like the group you are part of but so far I haven't been able to find anything like that in my area. If you don't mind me asking how did you find your group?

I know what you mean Beth, I don't feel like me anymore and I miss my old self and my old life so much. I'm just so tired of feeling sad all the time. I feel like there's this weight on me and I just want some peace. I want to stop thinking about him and our old life. I want to be in the moment again. I want to be content. Even when I'm having a nice time with the man I'm seeing I still think about my husband constantly and I'm never really happy. I know it's not fair to him but I'm so lonely and being with him does ease the pain a bit. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore or who I am. I can't believe it's almost a year already.

I'm at nine months now and sometimes I feel like I'm sliding backwards. I'm just in a funk lately and can't shake this empty feeling. I just miss him so damn much! I miss his voice, his smell, I miss cuddling in bed and the way his skin felt against mine. I miss talking to him, I miss the way he looked at me, I miss my buddy, my partner in crime, my sweetheart, my home. I also miss having someone that loves my daughter as much as I do. I can still hear him saying “isn't she the most beautiful thing in the entire world." He said it with absolute love in his heart and it kills me that she'll never feel that love from him. I've been seeing a nice man for over a month now and he's a pleasant distraction but he isn't my true love. I'm so lonely and he gives me something to look forward to but I still feel lost and hollow most of the time. He does bring me some joy and I'll take any pleasure I can get these days. He knows I'm broken and accepts me. I am grateful for that. I don't know anything anymore, nothing makes sense. I'm lonely even when I'm not alone and time isn't making me miss my husband any less. I miss him more. I miss our life. I'm just venting today. Our ten year wedding anniversary is coming up soon and I'm preparing for a breakdown. I feel like I'm evaporating. Some days I want to disappear. This is hard stuff.

I'm almost at 9 months and sometimes I don't know how I'm still standing but somehow we all are. Maybe it's wrong but I'm actually relieved to know that I'm not the only one that does weird stuff. Here's my strange ashes story, I used to just take the bag out of the urn and look at them but about two months ago I felt the urge to open the bag and investigate. Why, I have no idea. I actually scooped some ashes and bones out with a spoon and put them on a paper plate and sifted through them like some kind of mad archeologist. I was sobbing like a lunatic touching all of these bone fragments and I just couldn't believe that these little bits and pieces were what was left of the man I love. Maybe it's weird but I needed to touch them. Anyway, I eventually put everything back in the bag except one tiny bone that I've been carrying around in my wallet since. I know it's crazy but it's my husband and I don't care. See you're ok Beth, I'm walking around with a piece of bone in my purse. We're all a little slightly crazy now. ((Hugs)) to you.

I'm back and even angrier this week. I feel like life is kicking my ass right now. Fuck this sinus infection that I have! Fuck this pain I'm in! Fuck spending $200 at the Walk-In Clinic! Fuck $105 in overdraft fees! Fuck the asshole adjuster at Worker's comp for sending my check out late and fucking up everything for me! Fuck Presidents Day! (another day I have to wait on my check) Fuck my first Valentine's Day without my husband! Fuck my entire life right now!

Fuck diarrhea!!! Seriously, my toddler won't stop shitting and it's ruining my life right now. I can't send her to daycare, I can't leave the damn house, I'm trapped!! I just want this kid to stop pooping!! She cries non-stop and I'm losing my mind. Fuck being a single parent!! I need help, I need my husband, my daughter needs her father!! This shit is hard and I'm exhausted! Fuck the dishes! Fuck the laundry! Fuck the the sticky floors! Fuck these damn Legos all over the sticky floors! Fuck these Goldfish smashed into my carpet! Fuck dinner! I'm tired! I need to get out of here before I lose my mind!

“You're young, you'll find someone else" So many people have said this to me. “You're so lucky you get money every month for doing nothing" This came from my mother who is obsessed with how much money I'm getting from my husband's death. I would rather have my husband alive than his Social Security death benefits. “I would love to have all that time alone" This came from a well meaning friend that apparently hates her life. “At least now you don't have to cook dinner every night" Same friend. “Now you can do whatever you want" This was followed by how I could start a new career, move, date hot men and have a new fun filled life. Different clueless friend.

I write, I write and I write some more. Shortly after he died I wrote down a list of all the things he loved and hated. I also write down random memories I have in no particular order. Sometimes I write letters to him and sometimes I just write about our life together. I honestly find it too painful to look at pictures of him and don't have any up in the house. From time to time I'll look at the pictures and videos of him on my phone but it always leaves me feeling horrible. I hope someday I can look at them and feel joy but I'm not there yet. I know this is kind of gross but I also took a few items of his dirty clothes out of the laundry right after he died and put them in in a closed storage bin to save his smell. Once in awhile I'll take a shirt out and smell it just to remember what he smelled like. I also put his pillow in a plastic bag and it smells just like him. It sounds crazy now that I'm typing it. The thing that really helps me remember him most though is reading the texts between us. I had over 4000 texts saved in my phone and I feel like he's back with me when I read them. I have 2 years worth of conversations between us and those mean so much to me. I love reading his words to me when he tells me he loves me or even just to pick milk up on the way home. I printed all of them out and will give them to my daughter one day when she's older. I understand the need to let go and hang on at the same time. I'm struggling with this also. In some ways it feels like a betrayal to let go but I know I need to in order to rebuild my life. I'm slowly getting there but not today. You'll get there when it's right for you. ((Hugs))