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Julester3

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About Julester3

Just a woman trying to raise her 2 daughters and help them retain the good memories of their father. 

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    04/07/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Josh
  • Date Widowed
    April 7, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack
  • Spouse's Age
    40


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  1. Julester3

    What am I missing here?

    It’s hard to say exactly. I think it is a combination of things. A good portion I believe is the COVID situation. You are over 5 hours away and you see them only occasionally so you essentially are the unknown factor that could be introduced into their sphere. That can be off putting since people don’t know how to socialize with this pandemic. Some people will not take the chance at someone not in their household staying with them and having to take extra measures when this pandemic is exhausting enough. Another part is we who are widowed often do get left behind from friends and sometimes even family who are still coupled. Their lives got to progress while ours took a massive detour. Sometimes they don’t want the sad reminder and other times we are simply pushed back and are not as important to them anymore. Sad but true. I am sorry the experience has been disappointing but we can’t fix other people’s natures nor should you have to tolerate it. Shrug it off. Don’t let it get to you. Make it a small trip of your own. Do what makes you happy and don’t let their negativity weigh on you. In the end, they have to live with their decision and how they chose to respond to you.
  2. I am being much more reflective and responsive to our needs. Usually I’m like we just need to suck it up but I’m being more mindful to my needs and what my girls need. Not having the freedom to do and go where where you want and being constantly vigilant when you are out in any way is tiring. Honestly, some times the kids just want to drive with me to put gas or get curbside just to get out of the house for a brief moment. Walking around the neighborhood is crazy because every one is out all the time so trying to safely distance is tough so we are wearing masks the entire time we are outside it seems. The summer has been hot too! The dog is actually tired of so many walks! Lol! Good news is we are healthy otherwise and we hope to keep it that way. The school year started this week and it’s virtual learning. So more stuck at home it seems.
  3. Since June, we’ve sort of broke sheltering in place from one another and introduced one another to each environment to form like a “familiar reoccurring cluster.” It's working well and it helps we don’t go out unless needed and NG works from home. I go to work and go home, occasionally getting gas, curbside takeout, and groceries but I spread the trips as far as we can tolerate. He’s the same though he got a haircut out of desperation. We’re still suffering with our overgrown hair but we’re all girls so ponytails all the time. The cohabiting logistics came up again but all he say is he needs to wait 7 years for his youngest to graduate from high school. My youngest is already a junior. I can only shrug. He has to really want the cohabiting and be prepared to make compromises with me. So stalemate continues but I have my own house so I’m not in a rush nor am I going to waste energy on nothing. This pandemic is exhausting enough! I’m all about conserving personal energy.
  4. Julester3

    My Little Rant.....

    I feel for you! That’s how it was for me when I started and it’s disheartening to have simple motivation to keep going when you start collecting crazy and unbelievable stories. It made feel like am I being unreasonable for having some set expectations? It made me wonder often if it was worth it. Finding the right person does make it worth it. But dang, if the journey is no freaking fun, it’s hard to see any sort of finish line!
  5. Julester3

    Need perspective on Brother-in-law

    That’s rather odd. You were very upfront. I agree, why doesn’t he just get his own copies? When you are married and your spouse passes, his items are yours unless he willed them to someone else. Sorry he’s being a bother.
  6. Julester3

    Loneliness is a killer

    Remember, there is no time table but your own. It took a couple years for my teen girls to allow me to pare down my LH’s clothing, shoes and coats. Another crazy recommendation...If you can, if you haven’t methodically washed everything as I did. Keep a few shirts he might have worn and might have his scent on them still and put it in a ziplock bag and just tuck away in your closet or dresser. Sometimes, when hijack grief comes or something triggers you and you need the comfort, burying your face in a shirt that smells like your loved one felt like a comforting hug. It’s helped my kids too when they had a few tough times.
  7. Julester3

    Loneliness is a killer

    My main trick for nights were to make myself as tired as I would so I would sleep better like stay up later, work on a crochet project before bed, type in my journal, and then I’d be weary enough to sleep because my eyes would be tired. Then, a wise college friend who lost his partner told me to change my perspective so I’m not looking at the empty space my husband used to occupy. So I slept on his side of the bed and that comforted well in the beginning and made sleeping easier for me. Later on I ended up changing the bed out and getting new sheets so it was “my bed”, not “our bed” anymore.
  8. That is a tough one. Dating for the widowed is not for the faint of heart. It takes patience and persistence. I like your solution about saying that it’s a heavy topic and to save it for later.
  9. Julester3

    Introduction

    So sorry you are joining us here. Grief is hard enough to deal with and then add this pandemic on top and it makes things so much harder since we have to social distance and such. I needed other people to minimize that quiet loneliness. Hugs to you today.
  10. Julester3

    3 things I did today

    1. I hugged my teenager this morning. She was having a bit of an exhausted nervous breakdown from modified school activities. All the rules and minding them are taxing just to be sure everyone remains safe! 2. Made my lunch so I can keep working. I usually get lazy and just snack until I get home. 3. I’m at work today. That is a feat in itself!
  11. I do check in from time to time. It’s been over 4 years for me since I lots my husband. I check the boards and I think many come to read to gain perspective and to have food for thought. I know I did at first. Post and people will answer!
  12. So sorry you are joining us here. So much is going on and that is a big move! Hugs and peace for you today.
  13. Julester3

    The cat almost died

    Breathe! I know the feeling. I have that same thing with my late husband’s dog. I will do what can be done even if she drives me nuts. Last year, she infected a fatty tumor and with 2 different cones of shame, ointment for to be spread, and oozing ickiness (for like 3 months), all I can say is she’s up and running again and her usual self. I did cat with kidney stones and then cancer thereafter. That was no fun either. Hugs!
  14. Julester3

    Teenager vs. Mom vs. Covid

    I think it’s a control issue generally. The pandemic is causing irrational levels of stress and anxiety for many people not just teens. Your son can control going out or choosing to do something or nothing due to the virus. I have a young adult and a teen myself and I use a lot of misdirection just like when they were kids so they can focus on something else. Lately it’s been, “we are so very lucky we have a home and I’m working. What can we do to help small family restaurants and businesses in town?” I have them research local, family owned restaurants we can purchase meals from 2-3 times a week so we are helping our community. We’ve now been to some restaurants we have never tried in the 20 years we’ve lived in town and found some new places to us. I have them check the website on what the local food pantry needs so when I go shopping next we can buy extra. I also had them decorate our windows to be colorful with cut paper and such. People just take walks around the neighborhood. It’s sort of fun to see how people are artistic or creative. We can make smart choices and do what we are comfortable doing. These are also things we can control in a safe manner. So try some diversion tactics. It can’t hurt to try. I hope you can find some balance with your son.
  15. Hey everyone! Hope you are all doing well and are safe considering everything going on in the world. I feel committed however I waver back and forth about future scenarios. I sometimes want more like sharing our lives and cohabiting but I know NG is hesitant and his kids are priority and his kids want to go where they live. I do live in a better school district than they do FWIW but the kids want their friends and what they know. Other times, I’m just fine where I am because I don’t want to move or make any compromises. Something to iron out someday.

About Julester3

Just a woman trying to raise her 2 daughters and help them retain the good memories of their father. 

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    04/07/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Josh
  • Date Widowed
    April 7, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack
  • Spouse's Age
    40


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