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Julester3

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About Julester3

Just a woman trying to raise her 2 daughters and help them retain the good memories of their father. 

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    04/04/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Josh
  • Date Widowed
    April 7, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack
  • Spouse's Age
    40


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  1. Julester3

    Widow for 3 years

    Hugs to you. I’m sorry you are joining us here. It’s hard to keep it all together and moreso with your anxiety and depression to compound things and make life more challenging for you. I hope you have support around you or people to lean on. If you haven’t tried yet, have you considered family grief counseling? It could you help you as a family unit. Please read through and vent as you need. Sometimes it’s hard to talk to people but it’s easy to read our stories and feel a sense of kinship and understanding.
  2. Julester3

    Not sure where to start

    Strength and hugs for you today! It will be hard.
  3. Julester3

    Teen daughter struggling

    It sounds like you have had your hands full. Have you done a full neuropsych evaluation? My eldest had a huge episode of PTSD about a year after her dad died. She was 17. It put her high school years in jeopardy and she went through so much trying to “handle” it herself. She skipped classes, her grades dropped, she wasn’t sleeping well, she was drastically moody. This eval takes all day and it a battery of several tests. It would help you figure out areas to focus. It’s best done with a team your child hasn’t seen so it’s non-biased. We went to a different group than my daughter usually sees. Her issues went beyond grief and when it was addressed and we started medication, she slowly got better. It’s exhausting. The driving, the appointments, the discussions, the emotions, the tears. I maintained my position to be consistent. I told her I can’t fix you. You need to fix yourself. I can only give you the tools and help you need. I can be your rock but you have to do the work and decide to get better. It’s heart breaking and hard but I think for us, it worked. Good luck to you! Hugs!
  4. Julester3

    Widowed on Dec 29, 2018

    I’m 3 years out and my outlook is totally much better now. I try to maintain a more optimistic approach to everything, be positive, and look for the silver linings. Yes my kids are thriving. I can watch a movie and laugh. I can listen to music and sing along rather than cry. I can look at his picture and my heart isn’t throbbing in pain. Can I plan my future? Not so much yet. I need to work on that and I get that and I don’t punish myself for not knowing. Just be there for your kids and be honest with them. You can find your happiness with any combo of hobbies, friends, volunteering, personal projects, your kids, extended family, etc. You can date when you are ready. Just be mindful of your timetable and work in your own pace and what works for you. One thing at a time and don’t let these things make you feel too overwhelmed.
  5. You definitely won’t like Chicago right now. Polar vortex levels of cold with negative degree wind chill. It’s unpleasantly cold. Come on spring! Hurry! Seriously, we all can only take so much garbage before snapping! Hugs nevertheless.
  6. You have really been dealt a poor hand so to say and that sucks and it’s totally not fair. Is there anything we can do? I’m near Chicago.
  7. Julester3

    Frozen in Time

    I’m so sorry Christina. It sounds like you have a coping skill that helps you get through the day but I agree I think you need to just get it out and have that good cry. It hurts like hell but the pressure and relief is so much better than bottling it in. Therapy for an outlet would be a good idea. Also don’t try to rush it. You are aware of what you feel needs to be done but actual processing in your head and heart of the grief and loss takes time that varies for everyone. Hang in there! Hugs today.
  8. Julester3

    Further frustrations

    Just when you think you have a handle on things, things get frustrating again. I finished my probate period on the house. Hello 20 months of BS! I get half of the house and each kid gets 25%. I have to pay out to them if I refinance or sell the house. The lawyer didn’t do the work on the cars so now I have to fill out more paperwork ie small day state affidavit and then the notary I went to said he couldn’t sign it? Never mind no instructions how to fill out that stupid form? Then I got my furnace serviced this morning and it’s declining? The repair is already 1/3 the cost of replacing the whole damn thing but I’m not in the mood to shell out $9k for a new furnace. I know it’s old and it’s only going to get older and less efficient. I hate having to sit here and make these giant decisions by myself! So frustrated! With LH, I know we’d sit and play pros and cons but with the smaller salary that I make and the careful budgeting that I do, this totally sucks. I have to be more careful with how much and what we spend. I’m not sure we will keep the house past my second daughter graduating high school. I will have to downsize but I know I need certain things done to the house to sell it in the future. Le sigh! Thanks for letting me vent.
  9. Julester3

    I'm an orphan

    I’ve already lost both my parents. My older sister took care of the estate when our mom died and we let her take charge. We helped where we could and where she asked us to. It helps if your dad left his important papers together so you can methodically go through accounts and such. For the house, If there is more than you can take on, consider an estate sale company to help you to sell the items within the house. Donate the rest afterwards. It’s a different sadness for sure when it’s your own parents. I hated seeing my own mom deteriorate. Sorry for your loss!
  10. Julester3

    Widowed on Dec 29, 2018

    It’s good to have a support system. But I do agree that everyone’s time tables and journey is different. My girls were older than yours when my LH died of a sudden heart attack. We were both 40 years old. My girls were older 12 and 16. I went back to work 3 weeks later after the funeral. The first few months was just survival mode and trying to motivate myself to do normal things. I was lucky to have a wonderful community who dropped us dinners every weekday from April to June. That helped me as I was numb and I wasn’t ever really hungry so it helped that the meal was right there. I would say the heaviest for me was 6 months-1 year. It just hit me so hard. I had to mourn our dreams and goals and mourn all the things he’d miss with the girls. I journaled to him and it made a huge difference helping me simply accept it. As I often tell my kids, we don’t have to get over it but we need to accept it so we can move forward. Little by little, things do get better. You find little joys life and that is huge. The first time I could watch a movie and laugh? It’s progress. You learn to live again and you need to find things that help fill your time so you can keep busy. It’s a powerful tool against idle time and hijacking sadness. Be gentle to yourself, cut yourself some slack, try group grief therapy as it’s good to help teach the younger kids how to cope and incorporate little strategies so they can keep a piece of their mom with them. Talk and vent as you need to. Read older posts as they can be super helpful. We’re all here to listen though it’s quiet. Hugs and sorry for your loss. We know how it feels.
  11. Julester3

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Wow, that's a small world there Paul! What are the chances of that?
  12. Thank you for sharing LF. Congrats on the house and the good fortune! I seem to have a feeling that in her way Christine is looking out for you.
  13. Julester3

    Sexy Widowed Saturday Night!

    I had some friends over and I helped them start scrapbooks. Then we ordered pizza.
  14. Julester3

    Lost with two little kids..

    Sorry for your loss. I think you are doing a good job at this point. You are working, you are taking care of the kids, and you are putting on a brave face. Those are 3 giant accomplishments at 3 months. It is tiring. When I went back to work, I simply wanted to climb into bed when I got home but I checked in with the kids and their days. I depended on simple dinner and then I would put on pajamas and either zone out in front of the tv or go on my laptop. I had no energy to do anything else honestly. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. I saved chores for the weekend when I didn’t work but I allowed myself to not worry about these things during the week. Time varies for everyone. I think 3 months is still very fresh. As for finding yourself, it will have to happen at some point. I was with LH since We were 18 as well, dated for 5, engaged for 2, married for 15 years. So I understand your concern. There was always an us but I recalled my own identity. I had to look at my own strengths, accomplishments, and my interests to find it. I decided on what was important to me and what example I wanted to lead for my girls. You can do it when you are ready and do it on your own terms. Hugs today!
  15. Condolences on your wife. Teen girls....they are their own level of challenge. My girls were 12 and 16 when their dad died. They may be older than some other kids but gosh they still need chauffeuring, appointments, activities, needs, etc. and it’s exhausting when they didn’t drive either. I spent most most of my time working on them first and then myself second. I made their survival my absolute priority. I needed to find control of our lives and then figure out what I could manage and what I can’t and then find a viable solution. It sounds to me you might have to ease them into chores and strengthening the family unit. I had to stress this. I was the mom who did everything because I could and didn’t mind but when you have to work and provide, I had to change gears and they had to help. They miss my cooking but they understand when I choose to pick up carry out or keep it simple like soup and grilled cheese. They do chores and take care of the pets. They walk to places or decline invites because I’m at work. They understand we need to be a team and that sacrifices are necessary. I have also told them that they never have to get over losing their dad but they need to move forward and progress. He will always be a part of us. How I dealt with my grief? I was honest with the kids. If I was sad and having a bad day, I didn’t necessarily hide it and I would talk about it with them. This in turn encouraged for them to do the same. I often journaled to “speak” to my husband as I needed to vent and also work things out. I found hobbies that gave me piece of mind so I wasn’t feeling the oppression of sadness all the time. I did therapy and I came here a lot to read and gain perspective. I changed the way I did things so everyday or annual rituals weren’t painful. We changed seats in the kitchen, I hosted Thanksgiving instead of Christmas, we chose to do more experiences together rather than focus on material things. I also made myself make time for myself - go out with my own friends to get adult time and to recharge. It helped prevent horrible burnout and closeting myself at home as I could do. I knew I need to be well for my girls to be well. My energy effects them. I made sure I ate and stayed hydrated and I do my best to get at least 6 hours asleep a day. You can do this. We have dad’s here who did it and are still doing it. Read around here and get some perspective on other people's struggles that might be similar to yours. Tackle one thing at a time and be patient for those challenging teen years. Stay consistent and work on getting them to be part of the solution. Trust me, when I’ve had enough, I can call my sister in for reinforcement! Hugs to you today!

About Julester3

Just a woman trying to raise her 2 daughters and help them retain the good memories of their father. 

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    04/04/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Josh
  • Date Widowed
    April 7, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack
  • Spouse's Age
    40


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