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Julester3

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About Julester3

Just a woman trying to raise her 2 daughters and help them retain the good memories of their father. 

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    04/04/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Josh
  • Date Widowed
    April 7, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack
  • Spouse's Age
    40


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  1. Julester3

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    I am sorry you have joined us here but know we are here for you to listen, to read, and to talk. What you are experiencing is normal. You need to process and grieve. It takes time. It sounds cliche but it's true. Time softens the blow. Stay hydrated, cut yourself slack, and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. It's different for everyone. Hugs!
  2. I wanted to share something. I made a Star Wars quilt for NG for Christmas but wasn't able to finish it until like last week. I had brought it over to his house and he was so excited and happy. I'm a crafter and I show affection by making and doing things for others. So a few days later he got his kids and his son asked him, "why would she go to so much trouble to make this for you?" It honestly really made me sad. I would say this shows what kind of marriage he had. Had his ex never do anything nice or thoughtful for him? Father's Day? Birthday? Christmas? It's obvious to me that if his son can't understand this that he never helped or saw his mother do anything for his dad. His son is 9 already. I just hope he can learn his dad has value and deserves nice things.
  3. Julester3

    I { } someone new.

    I totally get it. My LH was very touchy-feely physical, sexual being when we were alone so when he died I soon found myself starving from skin deprivation. He was my high school sweetheart and I didn't date as an adult. I had to figure myself out and decide what I wanted. I had a quick encounter as well 1 year out and it really helped that craving/starvation feeling that plagued me. I never saw him or contacted him again. I analyzed the encounter knowing that not having a mental connection and affection with the man was never going to work. That guy wasn't it. You will learn from this experience as I did. Hugs and good luck!
  4. Just chirping in to also add don't overthink it or try to control it. I agree to just enjoy it. You don't have to make any future life plans, contingency or what not. I know what it's like to miss that symbiotic, intuitive relationship but don't compare it. It's not fair to you or to the person you are dating. Love them for them. Yes, it will be definitely different and not what you'd expect or used to but that is normal and okay. Why not have the conversation so you have a clear vision of expectations? We all deserve some love and affection.
  5. Julester3

    Reflections at 5 years out from my second loss…

    Hugs Maureen! Thank you for the perspective and the sharing!
  6. We had a discussion on it. We took the kids out for authentic Japanese ramen over the weekend before they go back to school and I explained that sometimes I can't talk right away about issues or feeling I might be experiencing. He mentioned that I tend to shut down a bit and become less sharing but I let him know to please not to take offense. Sometimes, I need time to understand and work through these things in my head. I can't always verbalized what I'm feeling but I told him not to worry and I'd talk about it when I would be ready. I think he's worried it's him or something he's done but I find that like in this NYE situation, I did something different and my inner reaction became sad. What I chose to do that day wasn't wrong and I didn't have s terrible night. I think my brain was calibrated for an all nighter and looking for more and it didn't happen that way.
  7. This was our first time trying to navigate the holidays as a dating couple. We decided to spend the Saturday, the 22nd, together with our kids. We had pizza, exchanged gifts, binged on various Christmas chocolate truffles, and played games with the kids. It was fun and low key. I did Christmas Eve with MIL and her husband's family like we used to. Christmas was at my sister's house. They told me to bring NG over whenever he was alone on a holiday. He had his kids on Christmas Eve but not the day. He had other invites but was unsure what he wanted to do. We celebrated during lunch at my sister's so we could be home by evening. I made sure we all finished packing for our flight to Austin to see my FIL and family early Wednesday morning. I did sneak over to NG's quickly for a little romance and he was sad I was going to be gone through the weekend especially since he didn't have his kids. We came home NYE afternoon. The kids went to their friend's places for sleepovers and I went to NG's where we went to a party for a few hours. We ended up at his house around 10:30 and I knew it was because he missed me a lot. But, it sort of made me sad. In the past, I've always partied all night surrounded by family and friends. Okay, not party really but eat all night and play games and do movie marathons with people until midnight where we celebrate and drink champagne for the countdown and then we carry on until none of us can stay up anymore. I never ever went to sleep early. It was so quiet and different than what I've always done. It seemed anti-climactic and unsatisfying for a New Year's Eve. Does that make sense? I did something totally different than what I was used to and it made me sad. I got to sleep with NG and cuddle with him but the quiet and peace was just too quiet and peaceful. I left early in the morning, no lingering, no muss, or little fuss as I had to go home to take care of the dog and cats. He felt I left abruptly with little comment and that I seemed annoyed. I know I was working through how I felt, trying to understand my feelings and reaction. I brushed it off and texted him later that I was just overtired having just flown in from Austin, barely was home, dropped kids off, and went to meet him to go to a party. Traveling tires me out and it catches up with me so that was true. I just didn't share my sad little feelings since I was still mulling them over. So that is it in a nutshell - I think this is the first awkward holiday season phase. I try to keep simple resolutions. I made quite a few this time but they are meaningful. I want to try to exercise better and improve my fitness. I want to clean my hobby room and reorganize. The kids want to go through their dad's clothes and donate good items to the men's shelter. I want to do better carving time out for my friends each month and spending time with them. I would also try to be mindful of NG's schedule so we can do more together.
  8. Julester3

    Starting a new Hobby to eat up time

    I have plenty of hobbies and I really needed them to fill the blank time and it was my main coping skill. My kids are teens and are quite self sufficient. LH and I were able to spend a lot of time with one another pursuing our own interests (he'd play video games and I'd work on a craft) or we'd watch TV or movies together because the kids were at band or tennis or out with their friends. The emptiness that was left when he died was huge to me. I did not have his physical companionship any more or witty banter. I had to keep busy as constant as I could, be distracted when I wasn't already busy working or doing things with the kids. I could often feel the sadness consume me when I did nothing but watch TV and I had no interest in reading anything even though I love to read. So, I went on this crocheting binge. I made several shawls, many scarves of all different types, blankets, afghans, hats for cats. It kept my mind busy and my hands occupied. I also scrapbooked like a fiend. I wanted to preserve our memories while I could focus on them. I was once several years behind. Now, I literally am so caught up with nothing to scrapbook other than an album dedicated to my LH. I am not ready for it. Not yet. The hobbies really helped me cope and redirect my energy positively. They didn't drain me but invigorated me. So I didn't have to learn any new hobbies. I just focused on a few that I already had.
  9. Julester3

    Picking up the pieces

    That skin deprivation is killer especially if you had a healthy intimate relationship with your LH. I was feeling starved pretty quickly, looking for touch and physical comfort. I pretty much retreated into myself because I knew I wasn't ready. I continued to journal and work through my thoughts and feelings. It was a brutal cut off and one of the hardest things for me to cope with. It was hard to even think I could be intimate with someone else and at first I felt I could do without it. However you learn when you get acquainted to the new version of yourself and can identify what you need and what would make you happy. I do believe you are right that it's best first to love yourself enough to wait and look for a healthy love. I had to learn and it made me a better person and helped me to be patient to look for a good relationship and not to despair. Read some of the dating threads and the discussion is crazily accurate. Give yourself more time to reflect and one day you will know when you're feeling brave to venture out there. Hugs today!
  10. Julester3

    Need advice first real relationship

    It's really hard to say how. I think it's mindset really. I do a lot of self coaching trying to decide and understand what is acceptable to me. I'm good with sharing my feelings and opening up but my own personal hang up is the ability to make any potential long term goals or plans involving him. I am not ready to take this level of risk. I fear making long term permanent plans. What I have told my NG was that, yes, my heart will always have a love for LH. However, love for me is not a set amount. For me, love grows and any love or affection I have for him is his. I think you need to understand yourself and your feelings first and foremost. I have learned from my loss that life is uncertain so I think that has helped me be more open and willing to pursue a relationship than to wallow in solitude and sadness. It is not what LH would want for me. I know he would want me loved and cared for in some way. My kids also encouraged and supported me as well so that helped. Sorry for the random ramblings but I as just typing as it came to me. Good luck!
  11. Thanks for the update. I'm beginning to feel as you do. NG's beloved grandmother just died last week and she really liked me and loved that I make her grandson happy. She asked me to see her in hospice and I did. She wants me to marry NG but we just laughed it off. We have too many factors to consider if we were to marry and combine. I can see more negatives to the adult responsibilities: dealing with exes, kids, expectations on one another and of each other's kids, finances, where to live. It's better to maintain separate households and just enjoy what we can carve out. I would have also been an all or nothing girl like I was with LH as a young woman but experience and age has also changed me too and has me re-prioritizing what i feel is important.
  12. Julester3

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    I love hearing the good news! Congrats!
  13. Julester3

    My father isn't doing well, need your advice

    I'm with Mike on this one. Go when you plan to. We do what we can and you have responsibilities to your job first. You tried to reach out multiple times through the years but it's quite clear this woman severed you all out no matter that you made efforts. It's hard to keep playing that repetitive dead end battle. She can't blame you when she was the one who created it. Good luck!
  14. Julester3

    Hello

    Hi Karen! I hope you are having a good day today!
  15. I friended NG on FB but I don't post pictures of us. It would definitely get blown up and I don't want it to.

About Julester3

Just a woman trying to raise her 2 daughters and help them retain the good memories of their father. 

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    04/04/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Josh
  • Date Widowed
    April 7, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack
  • Spouse's Age
    40


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