Julester3

Thanks for the perspective. I think 7 years commitment is a relationship worth considering these things especially if they were cohabiting. I would at this point in our relationship give HIPAA rights as well but not other powers. I reserve the right to entrust that where I have placed it.

Trying, I’m keeping my stuff the way it is. We don’t know where or when if anything will progress beyond being simply committed but living separate lives. I’m leaving my will, my property, the POA, all as is. I’ve given thought how I’d alter it if we decide to cohabitate or even get married but I don’t see a goal so I plan to keep things as they are. I did find the thread someone revived here about pre-nups interesting. Something I would have to think about if we go in that direction because I know my aggressive investments puts me well above him. I feel that money is for the girls benefit since much of it came from LH. I just invested as much as I could. Good to hear from you, Sudnly. That was a lot of moving! I had fence issues after bad winds, arneal. I just had to bite the bullet to replace it. Dog is hard to walk and she was an escape artist so even if you supervised, she’d bolt.

Hugs

So sorry you are joining us here. It’s hard to watch all your plans and dreams leave with your partner. I think it’s learning to process the death and come to terms with a new reality that takes much personal internal work. I was also a journal writer. I’d type entries into a MS word doc and it’s written like I’m talking to him. I’d give updates to him as if he were merely gone from traveling somewhere, I’d vent, I’d complain, I’d argue with him. It made me feel better. I wrote often in the beginning but now at nearly 5 years, it’s rare that I feel the need to do it’s now sporadic. I’m more sad at all the things the girls accomplish that he wasn’t here for. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself, eat and drink. Take it a moment at a time and take all the time your need. There are no rules, just what works for you in the time that you need.

An interesting discussion...I haven’t seen some of these shows but I have to be in the mood. I agree about the Hallmark movies that they want widows and widowers to become ultimately recoupled and have a healed heart. I think there was only one I can recall where personal growth and finding Christmas spirit was the actual goal. I sort of liked that one because I understand trying to avoid holidays after losing my husband. I do appreciate the positivity that you can find love again and find a partner who understands you as you are. Kenan - a new show, selling it as a sitcom with Kenan Thompson as a widower raising his kids and his friend and father in law helping him out a la a modern take on Full House. In the first episode, we learn his wife died and he’s on the morning news show. He goes into work and he wants to do a piece about thanksgiving one way but his coanchor another way and he has an outburst because he doesn’t want to focus on the issue of family and togetherness because he’s broken but trying to gain normalcy through work. It struck a cord with me. I wish they didn’t try to sell this show to be a comedy. I haven’t watched any more of it yet. In Downton Abbey, when the main characters lose their spouses, I felt it was portrayed for both the widows and widowers. 2 of them were young wids. Sleepless in Seattle - the part when he’s on the radio show talking about his wife makes me tear up and feel those hurtful pangs. I’ll have to think about it some more but those are on the top of my head.

Hi Sassy, Yes, grief is complicated. I would recommend throwing time out the window. Time is a trap. We gain time, we lose it, we waste it, and then we get mad about it. It eats up too much energy. I say don't sell yourself short and try to find a good person who will make you happy and respects you and your kids. I used to believe that a person only finds their soulmate once in their lifetime. My mom would say you need to find the lid to your pot but I have learned with patience you can find someone who can do a pretty damned good job to being a soulmate in their own way - another perfectly good lid! I was widowed in spring 2016 due to my husband having a heart attack and I navigated dating a year later, making many mistakes on the way but learning a lot about myself and identifying what I need in a partner. I have now been with someone for 3 years at the end of the month. Be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up over your last relationship. Just look at it and see what you learned, what worked, what didn't, and use it as data. Good luck and I hope you find a good fit for a therapist.

Right now it varies by county so there is a lot of variance. Hospital staff, first responders, and people 65 and older are priority. They want you to get the vaccine in the county you live in versus the county you work in. I registered in my county as an essential worker in the manufacturing sector. We never closed as we are a small biotech company and we make something that benefits many hospitals and clinics for testing so we indirectly assist the medical sector and the COVID testing. I should be in the next group with other essential workers however the issue is supply. There is not enough to go around right now. I live near a hospital and they were able to get a surplus of vaccines after they did their staff. They extended invitations to nearby nursing home staffs and other first responders who haven't been able to get any in their areas. I'm just trying to keep an eye on current info. So still waiting here....I have to work on site. We work with very strict guidelines in our office. You have to log in your temperature when you enter the building. Masks are enforced in all open and common areas. You can only unmask in your own office where you can drink and eat. We reconfigured offices so no one is sharing though many offices are originally designed for double occupancy. File drop boxes were installed in the hallways so people do not enter other people's offices but can drop off files and docs. We reconfigured the labs to give people their own work spaces and their own immediate lab supplies so sharing is not necessary. The challenge is keeping PPE in stock in our labs. Many of our suppliers have limited sales to only hospital and clinics only.

Yeah that's much too passive for me. If you see something that needs doing, please just do it! LH though was partially ADD so it was a simple matter of asking if he didn't notice or reminding him. NG is always twitching for a project. I let him install shelves for me and I let him assemble anything I need assembling. He put my treadmill together on Christmas Eve. LOL. I have a poop service for the dog and a landscaping service. I just can't do it all anymore so I get it! I hope you are healing well, Arneal!

I was having a hard time getting on to the website. I kept getting a message about the website having compromised security and was unstable so my laptop and iPhone couldn't log in. I am surprised I was able to get in today! I miss coming in and checking in regularly. I'm not actively grieving but I get teary sometimes when a memory hits me. I hope you all had a good Christmas and are doing okay. I'm simply tired. This pandemic is exhausting. I am hoping 2021 will improve. I had a talk with NG and he knows he wants a future with me but needs to figure things with the ex and his kids. I see him once a week. We have cross mingled our households during the pandemic. NG and ex have shared custody so the kids move back and forth constantly so they live like 10 minutes from one another. She got a job promotion about an hour away west from where they live. I live a 35 minute drive east of them. I work 40 minutes closer to the Wisconsin border. I'm staying put where I am and I remain constant. I'm not ready to move. I love my house. My daughters are still in high school and trade school here. Maintaining status quo here, I guess. Have a peaceful New Year!

His name was Josh to all who knew him...Josh-you-wa when he was trouble with me...afffectionately Yoshi to me..daddy to my girls. My thing is the empty feeling I feel when I hear the name used but knowing it's not my Josh.

1. Got daily exercise in 2. Left the house to get pet food - apparently Amazon is delayed so I would rather have an emergency stash than hope it arrives in time 3. Picked up an abandoned craft project to work on I have a few days off before I have to go back to work. Christmas was brief in order to keep it safe so I was okay with it. New Year's will low key.

It could be that you need to process this with a counselor. It sounds like you're having a reaction because now that you are seeing someone, it's sort of coming out. Good luck!

So sorry to hear this. No advice on the will. It doesn't seem unreasonable to ask.

Now that we are in between holidays, after Christmas, before New Year's, I hope all are doing okay.

Good to hear from you LF! I'm happy you are doing well.

I left photos of LH out for my girls but I did move them to just the living room and the upstairs hallway. I removed photos of him from the family room and my bedroom since I'm in a committed relationship.

I'm late to the post but I feel she's overreacting.

Hmmm. Night time. I struggled with that. I used distraction to tire me out so I could sleep. I would read something, crochet, or watch a little TV to tire my mind so I could sleep. I had to change my bed to make it mine alone. I bought a new frame and fresh sheets and it helped. Good luck. A lot of the time it's trial and error. I hope you are doing okay.

I was raised Catholic and still consider myself as Catholic however I haven't gone to church since before my husband died. I have been for a wedding or two, a baptism, and some funerals but not for regular worship. At first, I was angry and upset while processing what did we do wrong? We followed my faith for the kids, still honoring my husband's Jewish traditions. We helped others, volunteered, and did things for our community. I had a hard time feeling like I was being punished. Now that it's been over 4 years ago, I'm not angry as I was in the beginning. Disappointed? Definitely. However, I feel things happen for a reason and I've come to terms with it, moving along as I do. Do I believe in afterlife? I'm not sure.

It’s hard to say exactly. I think it is a combination of things. A good portion I believe is the COVID situation. You are over 5 hours away and you see them only occasionally so you essentially are the unknown factor that could be introduced into their sphere. That can be off putting since people don’t know how to socialize with this pandemic. Some people will not take the chance at someone not in their household staying with them and having to take extra measures when this pandemic is exhausting enough. Another part is we who are widowed often do get left behind from friends and sometimes even family who are still coupled. Their lives got to progress while ours took a massive detour. Sometimes they don’t want the sad reminder and other times we are simply pushed back and are not as important to them anymore. Sad but true. I am sorry the experience has been disappointing but we can’t fix other people’s natures nor should you have to tolerate it. Shrug it off. Don’t let it get to you. Make it a small trip of your own. Do what makes you happy and don’t let their negativity weigh on you. In the end, they have to live with their decision and how they chose to respond to you.

I am being much more reflective and responsive to our needs. Usually I’m like we just need to suck it up but I’m being more mindful to my needs and what my girls need. Not having the freedom to do and go where where you want and being constantly vigilant when you are out in any way is tiring. Honestly, some times the kids just want to drive with me to put gas or get curbside just to get out of the house for a brief moment. Walking around the neighborhood is crazy because every one is out all the time so trying to safely distance is tough so we are wearing masks the entire time we are outside it seems. The summer has been hot too! The dog is actually tired of so many walks! Lol! Good news is we are healthy otherwise and we hope to keep it that way. The school year started this week and it’s virtual learning. So more stuck at home it seems.

Since June, we’ve sort of broke sheltering in place from one another and introduced one another to each environment to form like a “familiar reoccurring cluster.” It's working well and it helps we don’t go out unless needed and NG works from home. I go to work and go home, occasionally getting gas, curbside takeout, and groceries but I spread the trips as far as we can tolerate. He’s the same though he got a haircut out of desperation. We’re still suffering with our overgrown hair but we’re all girls so ponytails all the time. The cohabiting logistics came up again but all he say is he needs to wait 7 years for his youngest to graduate from high school. My youngest is already a junior. I can only shrug. He has to really want the cohabiting and be prepared to make compromises with me. So stalemate continues but I have my own house so I’m not in a rush nor am I going to waste energy on nothing. This pandemic is exhausting enough! I’m all about conserving personal energy.

I feel for you! That’s how it was for me when I started and it’s disheartening to have simple motivation to keep going when you start collecting crazy and unbelievable stories. It made feel like am I being unreasonable for having some set expectations? It made me wonder often if it was worth it. Finding the right person does make it worth it. But dang, if the journey is no freaking fun, it’s hard to see any sort of finish line!

That’s rather odd. You were very upfront. I agree, why doesn’t he just get his own copies? When you are married and your spouse passes, his items are yours unless he willed them to someone else. Sorry he’s being a bother.

Remember, there is no time table but your own. It took a couple years for my teen girls to allow me to pare down my LH’s clothing, shoes and coats. Another crazy recommendation...If you can, if you haven’t methodically washed everything as I did. Keep a few shirts he might have worn and might have his scent on them still and put it in a ziplock bag and just tuck away in your closet or dresser. Sometimes, when hijack grief comes or something triggers you and you need the comfort, burying your face in a shirt that smells like your loved one felt like a comforting hug. It’s helped my kids too when they had a few tough times.