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Julester3

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About Julester3

Just a woman trying to raise her 2 daughters and help them retain the good memories of their father. 

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    04/04/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Josh
  • Date Widowed
    April 7, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack
  • Spouse's Age
    40


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  1. Julester3

    Lost with two little kids..

    Sorry for your loss. I think you are doing a good job at this point. You are working, you are taking care of the kids, and you are putting on a brave face. Those are 3 giant accomplishments at 3 months. It is tiring. When I went back to work, I simply wanted to climb into bed when I got home but I checked in with the kids and their days. I depended on simple dinner and then I would put on pajamas and either zone out in front of the tv or go on my laptop. I had no energy to do anything else honestly. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. I saved chores for the weekend when I didn’t work but I allowed myself to not worry about these things during the week. Time varies for everyone. I think 3 months is still very fresh. As for finding yourself, it will have to happen at some point. I was with LH since We were 18 as well, dated for 5, engaged for 2, married for 15 years. So I understand your concern. There was always an us but I recalled my own identity. I had to look at my own strengths, accomplishments, and my interests to find it. I decided on what was important to me and what example I wanted to lead for my girls. You can do it when you are ready and do it on your own terms. Hugs today!
  2. Condolences on your wife. Teen girls....they are their own level of challenge. My girls were 12 and 16 when their dad died. They may be older than some other kids but gosh they still need chauffeuring, appointments, activities, needs, etc. and it’s exhausting when they didn’t drive either. I spent most most of my time working on them first and then myself second. I made their survival my absolute priority. I needed to find control of our lives and then figure out what I could manage and what I can’t and then find a viable solution. It sounds to me you might have to ease them into chores and strengthening the family unit. I had to stress this. I was the mom who did everything because I could and didn’t mind but when you have to work and provide, I had to change gears and they had to help. They miss my cooking but they understand when I choose to pick up carry out or keep it simple like soup and grilled cheese. They do chores and take care of the pets. They walk to places or decline invites because I’m at work. They understand we need to be a team and that sacrifices are necessary. I have also told them that they never have to get over losing their dad but they need to move forward and progress. He will always be a part of us. How I dealt with my grief? I was honest with the kids. If I was sad and having a bad day, I didn’t necessarily hide it and I would talk about it with them. This in turn encouraged for them to do the same. I often journaled to “speak” to my husband as I needed to vent and also work things out. I found hobbies that gave me piece of mind so I wasn’t feeling the oppression of sadness all the time. I did therapy and I came here a lot to read and gain perspective. I changed the way I did things so everyday or annual rituals weren’t painful. We changed seats in the kitchen, I hosted Thanksgiving instead of Christmas, we chose to do more experiences together rather than focus on material things. I also made myself make time for myself - go out with my own friends to get adult time and to recharge. It helped prevent horrible burnout and closeting myself at home as I could do. I knew I need to be well for my girls to be well. My energy effects them. I made sure I ate and stayed hydrated and I do my best to get at least 6 hours asleep a day. You can do this. We have dad’s here who did it and are still doing it. Read around here and get some perspective on other people's struggles that might be similar to yours. Tackle one thing at a time and be patient for those challenging teen years. Stay consistent and work on getting them to be part of the solution. Trust me, when I’ve had enough, I can call my sister in for reinforcement! Hugs to you today!
  3. Julester3

    A new WIDDA heading your way

    I have only known Widda. A friend of mine from PTA lost her husband over 10 years ago to cancer and knew of the previous site. She knew of Widda and referred me here. I’m good at self therapy and talking things through but sometimes I wonder if I’m off the path or if I’m unreasonable and coming here to read was so very helpful and helped me validate my feelings and emotions. Engaging in direct conversation is ideal but having the resource to read at your own pace and time was what I needed. I too felt not many people would really understand where I was coming from. I had my own therapist for grief but a lot of the work has to be done within. This site is a vital tool to me. Although I feel better than about 3 years ago and I have someone new who I truly care for, I feel the need to stay and be here when anyone needs support.
  4. Julester3

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Have a great birthday Arneal!
  5. Julester3

    Going back to work

    I’m in biotechnology. I took 3 weeks before going back. I needed to make sure the kids were okay and I wanted to ease them back to school. I have my own office with a door so when it was hard I could work and cry in peace with my door shut and a polite note not to bother me unless necessary. I have flexibility being an only parent so it helped going back and not completely hating it.
  6. Julester3

    Last name change

    I’m kept my married name and I do have kids so I do like holding onto it as well. I’ve honestly thought about it and if I were to marry NG, I’d actually hyphenate last names. But for now, I’m not going back to my maiden name.
  7. Fuck finding yes something else I don’t have access to! Fuck for having yet another milestone with one of the kids that he is not a part of.
  8. Julester3

    MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS

    I had to think this one over before responding. I have different friends through different interests. I found myself re-sorting my friendships. For the most part, I’m still generally congenial and friendly with many but I seriously closed up my core group of trusted people who I’d confide or share more with. Each person previously was in a different friend buckets before. It’s made me happier and I feel good and safe with my core group. They kept me together on an adult and individual level I needed that I would never burden the kids with. I know I have but to ask when I need help and they know how to be where other people just miss the mark. So it’s okay to re-examine your friendships and decide what works for you. If people don’t understand or don’t even want to try to, then they probably aren’t worth it.
  9. Julester3

    ANGER TOWARDS EVERYONE & EVERYTHING

    Please vent away! Nothing feels better than simply venting and being able to unload. We get it. Anger though is understandable in your situation. It’s hard to get over the unfairness this anger can stew. I also totally understand hating listening to friends bitch about their husbands. At least they still have a living one! It’s getting to be old hat, I’m sure. Hugs to you!
  10. LH was a child of divorce at a young age and he was not a holy terror. His parents were honest and amicable (always in front of him). It just didn’t work out is what they told him. He didn’t get the whole story but got bits and pieces and perspective as he got older. This is what made him secure that he had 2 loving parents above all. The only thing that didn’t help was when MIL didn’t want to give up LH for holidays and pouted, they humored her, even when LH got older and he was able to start making his own choices where to go and what to do. If he was to go to his dad’s and his mom wanted him, he went with his mom and his dad would be lucky if he even saw him. IMO it would have been better and fair to stick to the agreement to the t and not bend. It really set up a lot of issues once we got married. She expected for us to accommodate her needs regardless of his dad or my own family. By the teenage years, he knew of his mother’s bipolar manic depression as the issue of the break of his parent’s marriage. He understood that his dad made sure to be there in case she ever had bad episodes. He never knew the exact stories. I got those after LH passed away and it’s like a Lifetime movie. His mother got main custody while his dad got every weekend during the school year, alternating holidays, more chunks of time in summer. His mom started dating first when he was in kindergarten. His dad dated more actively when he was in middle school because he traveled a lot for work. Ironically MIL dated the same guy for many years and even moved in with him when LH was in high school. They got married one month before our wedding. We found out because my brother is a deputy sheriff at the courthouse they got married at. He saw them and they went alone. My FIL married his GF when we were in college. Sorry this got long! Honesty and not fighting can make a better secure child overall. I would say this was why we were so honest with one another and open. We were very upfront about expectations, personal beliefs, and goals. It was important to LH and he intended to have a single long marriage to me, not to die at 40. We had a good 15 years as husband and wife. We dated for 5 years, engaged for 2. 22 years is a good time to be with a person. I wish for more but I understand it was what I was meant to have and I’m grateful!
  11. Vent away! That stinks about the vacation. I would have done what you did in this situation - I'd have simply gone home. It's sad that you went to the therapist to sort of have a plan when conflict may occur but it seemed all for naught. You can't excuse poor behavior no matter the age in kids. I can't let my teens get away with it and they should be old enough to know better but as humans we all have lapses. You always need to address it or give them a statement that if it can't be addressed at that moment that it will surely be discussed and not forgotten or forgiven. Failure to do so will gives the child belief that they have free reign to misbehave. I also vouch for consistency as well. I have drilled the same litany rule phrases into my kids each and every time I see the misbehavior. I just need to start the phrase, they finish it, and it completely changes the scene. We re-set and start again. I don't expect perfection in my kids but I expect them to be good, respectful people and to apologize when they know they couldn't keep it together. Your NG needs to be honest with his kid, set up boundary rules, and simply stick to them. If you are not allowed to "help", he needs to step up, intervene, and explain things to his kid. I think only you can judge how much you can take if NG isn't even trying to improve or compromise. Hugs and fortitude! With my NG, lately I have observed that we ask one another permission first when we see something we might want to comment on but we try to establish rules and boundaries for the situation or activity where our kids will be interacting together so they know the expectations. What works to our advantage are the ages of our kids. My girls are 15 & 19. His are 12 & 9. So our potential rate for tantrums are very low and they can negotiate with one another and resolve conflicts before we adults have to intervene.
  12. Julester3

    Sad Loss Of WifeLess

    I am sad to see this. So very sorry!
  13. Definitely hard to properly analyze what runs through a 9 year old boy’s thought process! I appreciate any perspective!
  14. Julester3

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    I am sorry you have joined us here but know we are here for you to listen, to read, and to talk. What you are experiencing is normal. You need to process and grieve. It takes time. It sounds cliche but it's true. Time softens the blow. Stay hydrated, cut yourself slack, and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. It's different for everyone. Hugs!
  15. I wanted to share something. I made a Star Wars quilt for NG for Christmas but wasn't able to finish it until like last week. I had brought it over to his house and he was so excited and happy. I'm a crafter and I show affection by making and doing things for others. So a few days later he got his kids and his son asked him, "why would she go to so much trouble to make this for you?" It honestly really made me sad. I would say this shows what kind of marriage he had. Had his ex never do anything nice or thoughtful for him? Father's Day? Birthday? Christmas? It's obvious to me that if his son can't understand this that he never helped or saw his mother do anything for his dad. His son is 9 already. I just hope he can learn his dad has value and deserves nice things.

About Julester3

Just a woman trying to raise her 2 daughters and help them retain the good memories of their father. 

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    04/04/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Josh
  • Date Widowed
    April 7, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack
  • Spouse's Age
    40


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