Karin_a

Hi, I am, I´m from Sweden. I lost my boyfriend in 2016 so its been 2 years and almost 4 months. I don´t come here as much anymore but when I do it helps. I´m sorry for your loss.

Reading all of your replies gives me hope. Something to hold on to. That it is possible, maybe not right now but someday I can find another great love. Thank you.

Not sure if this is post is in the right place. But I have been thinking a lot lately about my boyfriend and how I knew from the first moment I saw him and talked with him that he was the one. We knew what the other person was thinking without even saying a word. What we shared was so special and I knew he was the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know I will always love him and miss him. It wasn´t supposed to be like this, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him not just the rest of his. Do you think you can get more than one great love? And what happens if we do meet the person we lost after we die and we have met someone new? I guess I´m scared that if I would meet someone new that I would forget and disappoint my love... I´m so torn I don´t want to be alone forever and I want a family of my own but at the same time it was supposed to be with my boyfriend and now when he died I don´t know whats right. Just needed to get it out....dont really have anyone to talk to about this

It's been six months today since I lost my soulmate, my best friend, my love. He was my everything, he was my whole world, and now I don't know who I am anymore. I thought it would be better with time everyone around me keeps telling me that just give it time..... how much time? I'm broken beyond repair, I cry when I'm alone so no one can see, I try to smile and laugh so my friends and family wont worry.... But I feel so empty, everything is painful. When I have a good moment I see something or hear something that reminds me of him, and I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel so guilty because I want to feel good again I don't want to hurt this bad all the time, I feel guilty about still wanting to have a family of my own, to be loved again. But at the same time he is the only one I want..... but I cant have him back he is gone..... I miss him so much. It was better for a while but then it got worse and I feel like I don't know what is right and what I should do... I go and see a therapist but I don't think it helps that much. I try to work but I get nothing done. Some days I don't even know how I will make it out of bed. I'm still thinking about what it would have been like if he was still here with me or what we would have been doing. I know its not helping but I can't stop. He is missing everything..... I just want him back, I want our life back, I want our hopes and dreams back. I just want to be happy again..... but I can't because he can't be happy, he can't be anything anymore. Sorry for an incoherent post. Everything is just wrong.

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. I also came here looking for support and understanding. Also being a young widow (don't know if I can call myself a widow we were not married), not knowing anyone that has gone through losing their partner young or old, I have found this forum a help by mostly reading other people's stories and relating to what they write and knowing I'm not crazy and alone feeling the things I feel. I was 30 years old when I lost my everything 115 days ago, he had just turned 39, and I turned 31 one week after he died. It was unexpected, we said good bye in the morning before I left for work and then he was gone..... It still doesn't feel real. I have similar fears about the future as you wrote. I hope you find what you were looking for here. //Karin

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I'm sorry for your loss. My boyfriend died two months and two days ago. I understand, I'm myself trying to find other people to talk to because the people around me don't really understand. They try to be here for me and give me support but they don't understand the crushing pain and how much I really miss him. I'm existing and surviving but I'm not really living anymore. When he died everything died, and I feel like I'm a shell. My body is alive but my inside died. Where as his body died and his soul or whatever you call it still lives in me..... at least that is what everyone keeps telling me..... but I can't feel him with me, I'm numb and I try extremely hard to feel his presence but I don't. It is killing me that I can't feel him with me, I try to tell myself he is, with me because I love him so much that he is in my heart. LIke you I feel empty and alone even if I'm surrounded by people...... I'm hoping it will get better but right now I'm not sure it will....Sorry if this didn't help you....

Thank you Julester for your reply. I do write him, I started one week after he was taken on my birthday. I guess you can call it a journal or letters to him. One letter everyday. I tell him about my feelings, things I do, things I'm thinking about, memories of him and me together, all the things that I loved about him, all the little things, I say godnight every night. I think I write them so I won't forget them. I ask him things even though I know he won't answer me but most of the time I know what he would tell me. I tried talking to him but it's not working, writing is better and it helped me a lot, but now it's not helping as much. I feel like it's getting worse, missing him more, the constant pain is harder to deal with, crying more, feelings of hopelessness and emptiness are stronger, I'm losing my grip on realityand slipping into darkness.... No one to talk too.... Is this normal? And I'm scared.

It's been 8 weeks and 4 days. My time is now measured in how long it's been, days, weeks since the love of my life was taken from me. I thought maybe I was handling it all a little better but the past 4 days have been worse. I'm waiting for him even though I know he won't come for me. I'm crying but he can't hear me, I'm in pain but he can't comfort me, I'm waiting..... Waiting for him to come and get me but he won't. I'm breaking and he is not here the one person I need, the one person who could make this better. No one can see or understand, everyone just keeps telling me it will be better you are strong, you are young you will meet someone new, you won't be alone forever, you have to move on, start doing things. To be honest a part of me want to believe what they say, I don't want to be alone forever I still want a family and I want to be happy again. But I want him more I want to be with. Giving up is so tempting, just go to him. But I won't, I couldn't do that to him to myself to my family to our puppy. I feel stuck, Everything I do feels wrong. I'm crying more now than before, and it feels hopeless and I feel completely alone, even if there are people around me I feel alone. My heart is broken, I'm broken.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my love, my everything suddenly on July 15th 2016, and like you I don't feel like me anymore. And like you said some days I feel like I can handle it and then I fall apart again. Missing him more and more.... Everyday taking me further and further away from him... Maybe that doesn't make any sense but that is What it feels like. He is everywhere and yet he is nowhere. Nothing I do will bring him back, and nothing matters anymore. I feel lost and like you I'm not fine. Sorry this wasn't much help to you.... I guess what I wanted to say is that I understand and you are not alone in feeling what you are feeling, even though we are all alone in our own grief.

I feel the same way I just want to be close to him again, hear his voice, smell him, touch him, see his eyes and his smile, feel his body, his heartbeat his breath. I miss him so incredibly much. Today it's been 8 weeks since he was taken from me. And I still don't completely understand that I will never see him again. I was battling depression before this happened and he was my safe place he helped me get better and now I feel like I'm drowning without him. Thank you for telling me about your journeys. I really hope I will be happy again someday. It's only been 8 weeks but I try to think about the future, life is short and I want to be happy. Happy for me and happy for him because that is all he wanted me to be when he was alive. But I'm battling with my guilt, guilt about not being able to save him, guilt about selling our apt, guilt about moving, guilt about wanting to be happy, guilt about thinking of a future now without him, guilt about wanting to find someone because I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.... But at the same time I don't know because the only person I want to be with is him but that is not a choice. I'm torn and confused. I'm broken now more then I ever was....

Thank you all for your replies. It's 7 weeks today since my everything was ripped from me, and my whole life was shattered. I don't cry as often anymore, but the pain is constant and I miss him more and more. And when I do break down its hard to stop crying. I'm not living I'm surviving. I want to move forward and yet at the same time I want to stay..... I don't want to forget and leave him behind I want to stay with him.... I know it's not a rational thought because he is gone he is dead, but it's hard to believe he is dead it's like I can't accept and understand it. I feel myself still waiting for him to come home and scoop me up in his arms and kiss me silly. I'm trying to hold on to everything that he was, but I feel it slipping away from me he's not here and everything I do or see makes me think of him, but he's not there it just makes me miss him more and makes me feel alone and empty. I feel guilty about not being able to be in our apartment, and deciding to sell it and move away. I feel guilty about trying to think of a future without him even though I can't really imagine one. I feel guilty about still wanting someone in my life and having a family, although right now all I want his him. I feel guilty about not being there when he died. I feel guilty that I couldn't save him. I feel guilty about all the bad times, all the fights, everything that wasn't great. @Mizpah: Thank you that gives me hope.

Thank you for all your replies. It does help to read them. I woke up today and just felt so completely empty and alone. And I'm mad, mad at the world for robbing me of everything I ever wanted robbing me of my love my soulmate the one person who knew me inside out. I watch life continue around me, I watch my friends be happy and doing things with their partners having babies and doing everyday things, and I'm jealous and angry..... I don't understand why I don't get to do all of that with my love.... Everyone just continues living while my life just stopped... The logical part of me understands that losing my Stefan doesn't affect them the same way it affects me and they still have everything, and their lives continue while mine is shattered. But I just feel it's so unfair... I don't understand what I did to deserve this... Or what he did to have his life taken away.... @Hgadams: we weren't really trying yet but we planned on starting trying for a baby this year, but I was still hoping for a miracle and that little chance but like you it will never be. @Mizpah: You said that 5 plus years you could have been me.... I'm just wondering how is your life now? I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for any kind of hope.... Any advice... Thank you again.