Sirin

Sia - "The Greatest"

"Reaper Man" by Terry Pratchett - a fantasy novel about the Grim Reaper, humorous/kind/philosophical, made me feel really good.

Thank you for this thread, this is something I am also worried about. I started dating 5-6 months in, and unexpectedly met someone I am very happy with right now (and by now we have been dating almost 6 months). I don't post anything about it on Facebook, and only told a few people after a couple of months of dating. My sister and my mom are supportive, but I don't think my MIL and other family would handle it well. Right now my plan is basically to not bring it up or talk about dating at all (unless they ask, and then I'll answer, but I am not looking forward to the potential emotional fallout).

"widowhood seems to have made me less inclined towards more conventional paths" - yes, exactly that, and it's manifesting in other ways as well (such activities/hobbies, etc). When I was first considering whether to start dating, I remember thinking about the conventional paths, and just feeling this repulsion - and ended up going towards things that didn't give me that sense of repulsion. So far it seems to work, and of course everyone's path will be different (and what works for one person will not work for another). On the downside, it makes me feel even more disconnected from the "regular" people, because not only I am a widow, I am also doing a bunch of weird shit:)

Mona, I am sorry you are going through this. I have experienced a similar feeling of being a "pariah" in some of my social circles, and people/former friends "falling away". People who say "let me know if you need anything" and then disappear forever. Or people who check up on you only in the first couple of months, and then disappear. Or people who only socialize with you when things are going bad for you, but once your life becomes good again overall (mine did a few months ago), they get judgey and weird (like a widow is supposed to be sad, not happily dating and doing all the fun things?). I feel disconnected from a lot of people, and very limited in my self-expression (because people have so many pre-conceived ideas on how one is supposed to deal with grief). I basically went out and found a new social circle, where I wasn't looked at with pity like some kind of sad zoo animal.

Hey, I don't live in Vermont, I live in central Texas - but also wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I lost my husband when I was 32, almost a year ago.

I am 33, I lost my husband last summer (we were together for 11 years), and now almost a year later I find myself in a happy polyamorous relationship (going on for 5+ months now). I also know people who have been in committed polyamorous relationships for years (14 years with one partner, 7 years with another), so it would not be right to assume that there is no "commitment" in those types of arrangements. If you want to know more about it, this is a good book and resource - https://www.morethantwo.com/ What's nice about it to me is that I don't feel lonely, and I don't feel weird or constricted in expressing my love for my late husband, plus my bf is also a widower (lost his wife to cancer some years ago) - it's something we both can talk freely about, there is no weirdness about the concept of loving more then one person at the same time (whether they are dead or alive)

Oh Frank, I am so sorry. That is so heartbreaking. My deepest condolences to you. I can relate to the feelings of being utterly alone and living in a nightmare. I buried my husband three months ago, when he was 33 and I was 32 - and there is just no one who "gets" it, as much as they want to help.

Thank you all so much for your replies! Just had my birthday last week, and that was pretty rough emotionally, but I'm ok today. Also went to the store and re-stocked my medicine cabinet (so that next time I get sick, I won't have to go to the pharmacy for the simplest things - I didn't even have Tylenol in the house, and what I did have was expired anyways).

Yes...I am compulsively remodeling and redecorating the house right now. Somehow it helps.

Austin, Texas

It's been almost 3 months since my husband died very suddenly of a heart attack. He was in his early thirties, we didn't have any children, only dogs. Both of our families live half-a-country away. The first several weeks my house was full of people who all came out (which was really stressful in itself, we were homebodies who never even invited anyone over much, and I had to escape the house several times in order to get some time to myself). Now, everyone's been back to their lives for a couple of months now, and other then work, I am mostly alone with my dogs every evening. There aren't many people I can really talk to about this process of grieving, and I get a feeling that many don't even want to know. I went to a therapist and a couple of support groups a couple of times, but didn't get too much out of it. Most of the people in the support group lost their spouses after spending most of their lives together, and I couldn't relate. One of the strangest sensations is that I don't have any hopes and dreams for the future, I'm truly living "in the moment". It's like when my husband died, my future died with him. I don't know what I am now, or what I will be. Right now I fill a lot of my free time with "home improvement" stuff, somehow it feels therapeutic. I went back to work full-time 2.5 weeks after his death, and I have never been comfortable showing emotions in front of other people, so I act totally "normal" at work, smiling/doing my work/going on about my day. I can only be "me" when I am home alone in the evening. Some of my coworkers seemed surprised at how "normal" I acted, or I got comments about how "strong" I am, or how I handle it with such "grace". I don't even know how to react to that. Did they expect me to go into work and start tearing my hair out and wail by the water fountain?...I don't want to do any sort of "grief performance" for anyone. People have no idea. I've been having more and more "good" days in the past few weeks, but then a few days ago I actually got sick with a bad cold, and it just broke me emotionally - because I suddenly was hit with the realization that I can be sick, and feel like shit - and there is no one anymore who would know, or care, or make me a cup of hot tea, or hold me - none of that. No one exists anymore who is a "witness" to my life, who knows me as I am, who loves me completely. That sense of loneliness and isolation just takes my breath away - even though I have always thought of myself as a pretty solitary/introverted person. But this is a whole other level.

Two weeks after the death of my husband (a little over a month ago) I went to a tattoo parlor and got a wedding ring tattooed on my finger. It made me feel slightly better, and still does (every time I look at it).

I went back to work 2.5 weeks afterwards. I have visitors and family from out-of-state non-stop for two weeks, and after they left I wanted at least a couple of days to myself before going to work and interacting with more people. Ideally, I should have taken a month off (but I felt like I would have been pushing it), because it's been overwhelming trying to work full-time, going through probate and tons of paperwork, and trying to keep on top of household chores (which I have failed at miserably. I haven't cleaned the bathrooms for three weeks).

Thank you for this thread, it's good to feel validated. I had a couple of very irritating conversations with my mom and my friend, who were both insistent that maybe one day I can find someone else who "makes me happy"/remarry/have children, etc. After I forcefully explained that I don't ever intend on remarrying again, and I have no desire to look for anyone else, my mom said that of course I would say that, it would be weird if I was saying something otherwise only six weeks after my husband's death. Then why bring it up even?? It is not helpful, and it's making me feel gross.