iloveyoualways

I'm at home alone. My eight year old son went to camp after complaining 100 times. It's lonely and I'm still missing my husband after six years. I'll take the time to work and find a better job. No time off for me ever. I hope that this life gets better soon. Too much loss. Too much pain. Three glasses of wine will bring back everything. Stay strong everyone.

Sometimes I feel like you write my words still_lost. I always wanted a lot of children but I was willing to settle on three. My husband wanted only one so I guess he won. Our son was very premature and spent two months in the hospital. I never got the "normal" pregnancy or birth, taking baby home, and breastfeeding experiences. I went from having a midwife attended hospital birth to learning about perinatologists and neonatologists. I worried about long term risks of his prematurity. We waited two years and I went to see a specialist to have a plan if I become high risk again. We bought a bigger home, got pregnant, and I had a miscarriage two months before my husband died in an accident. I was widowed at 36 years, with a two year old toddler, in a new home, on the day that we were to try again, almost two months to the day. On that day my life came crashing down hard. Other than losing my husband, giving up my dream of another child was the worst grief to deal with, and we lost a lot. I was forced to sell our home and staged the third bedroom with our baby stuff. It broke my heart every time that I went in there. I bawled my eyes out. Going through the garage, my husband's stuff, and our baby stuff was more than I could manage at times. My current MD delivers babies so I avoided appointments with her for years. I just couldn't see the pregnant women and their partners. I'm too old to have another baby now and my son is almost nine years old. He has physical and mental health issues, and learning disabilities. He's a lot for me lately. This isn't the life that I planned. He has been both a burden and a blessing. I think that you know what I mean still_lost. The psychological pain of not holding another baby will forever exist. But my guilt of the not so perfect childhood that my son endured after his father's death will always make me feel guilty too.

Hi Jen, thanks for being so honest. I rarely post my true feelings as I'm over six years out on this shitty journey. I believe my widowhood journey has been very slow and atypical due to compounded losses. I don't want my honesty to scare any newbies but also feel like nobody in my time frame will understand. So I keep quiet. And it eats me up. I have gone through so many angry seas I think that I would know how to navigate them by now. Nope, I don't. Last night I was having a dream with my husband, a very rare one, and I was angry at him because I had to pay for the childcare even though he was not working. I expect negative things to happen now. I find that when I'm anticipating something positive, like my degree or professional registration that I just attained, my mood doesn't match the accomplishment. Like I can't feel proud or happy. There's a man at work who I though that I had a crush on. I only realized my crush when I found out he now has a girlfriend. I was a little jealous. I felt like I had many chances to make a move but he would never be who my husband was so what was the point? But I realize that I've had relationships since I was fifteen and have wanted other ones after breakups. Maybe I don't deserve the happiness that I once had. Or maybe I feel unwanted and ugly now. Part of me can't fathom another loss so I feel like I've turned off the capacity for that emotion. I have very few meaningful relationships but don't feel lonely either anymore. I think that it may be complicated grief in my case but feel like I'm not grieving like I was three years ago. It has gotten a little better these last two years. For me I have taken it a day at a time to stay alive. If I thought too far ahead I couldn't cope. I had so many things figured out in my previous life and everything came down like a deck of cards. I hope that you keep posting as someone understands and may not be able to expresses themselves as well as you. And please know that you are not alone.

TooSoon, your post resonated with me. I've been widowed for over six years but every change that I have made without him was another step away from him and our life together. Every single one was painful. Change of childcare, residence, going back to school, etc. Were all choices and chances that I had to make alone. Before I gave birth to our son, we came to settle in the city where I grew up. We created a life together. We were married for less than five years but we were where I wanted to be. Then you all know how that ended. His death made national news. I lost everything one by one. I tried to keep some stability in my son's life. But it wasn't good for me. The trauma of revisiting "our home" was difficult. My life in that alternate universe was not to be. The family of four was only two and I could not ever change it. So at different times I wanted to pack everything up and move far away. Different city or province. Or country. Start fresh. Nobody would know our story. Almost like it did not happen. I had suffered through too much trauma, grief, and pain. If only I released everything that held me close to him I could be free. All those threads holding us together were wearing away by every decision and risk made without him here. I am happy to say that we moved and my son will be starting the school year at another school. It is stressful for both of us but I think that it is for the best. I could not be there without him and pretend that our lives had continued when, in fact, the train went off the tracks and had no chance of getting to its destination. Change is difficult but therapeutic in so many ways. I was holding on to the memories of him and pain of broken dreams in that place. It was not healthy for me. I think that I am happier now. It has been a long road.

MrsDan, I'm almost six years out and am struggling now. We're not supposed to talk about it as we're supposed to have our shit together. It's tough being a young widowed mother. I'm thinking of you.

Hi JP, I'm sorry that you had join us. I'm almost six years out and I don't know how I made it. Yes, I wanted to join him for a very long time. A very long time! The psychological and physical pain was too much. (Un)fortunately the only thing that stopped me was our two year old son. If you feel like you have nothing to hold onto or nothing to keep you here just remember that it does get better. Just put one foot in front of the other every day. Don't focus on the long run. Focus on making it through one day at a time. The thought that I would have to live my life without him was unbareable. And who cares what everyone else says just do what you need to do to survive. I'm thinking if you.

Thanks for the support ladies! Early on I had a steamy affair with a much younger man. I went through the skin hunger and I wanted to pounce on every hot male in every store. Now, I've realized that I'm not as desirable as I once was. I had boyfriends or serious relationships from 15 to being widowed at 36. The experience has aged me even though I get at least one smile from a guy per day. Widowhood has destroyed my self esteem. When my husband went skiing and never came home it was like the ultimate abandonment. It's not rational but who would want me and my child? If there is someone, I really fear great loss like no other. I'm doomed!

Anything really. I've become a born again virgin. But I'm scared now that the psychological wall that I've been building will prevent any closeness whatsoever.

Hi Rebecca, I'm sad that you had to join us. I'm another skiing widow. I was widowed almost six years ago. I never got to say goodbye to the love of my life that I married only four years before. We had a two year old at the time of his tragic death. So I understand. Sadly. I have had a lot of anger too. Due to the nature of his death we lost almost everything. I have had to grieve a lot of losses in addition to losing him so young at thirty four. I have sent you a private message and am here if you need to talk. I will be thinking of you and your kids.

Hello All. I may be offered a unit in a subsidized complex. I've been waiting for 3.5 years. Honestly, the unit isn't what I expected. Old. No dishwasher or washer/ drier. Maybe I expected more. But it's bigger and brighter, even on a rainy day. Lots of closet space. I could make it our own. After buying a townhouse with my husband I felt like life was going well. Now I may be living in social housing. A major blow to my ego and everything that we've survived. But I wouldn't be living in somebody else's basement suite. I wouldn't feel watched all of the time (even though I know that it's not true). I know that I would only pay about half of what I'm paying now. I would actually save some money for once since his death. We wouldn't need the Christmas Bureau or food bank. For a full time working person to have so much stress it isn't healthy. I would have less stress and believe that I would be happier. And that's all that I've been striving for since being widowed. A part of me is still angry with him for leaving us in this mess that he created. A home that was bought but not finished. A family that was not yet complete now missing two. I almost stopped hoping that something good would come to us. Most of my dreams died with him.

Hi TofinoMan, I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to be here. I lost my young, healthy husband over five years ago to a back country skiing accident. Our son was two at the time. I never lied to him but told him what he needed to know. I told him that death is when all life ceases, like breathing, circulation, digestion, ect. So that his dad could not come back. That way I never used the word "sleep" or "heaven" which are difficult concepts for our children to understand. But I was also careful about the details. It was in the television and online news but they got lots wrong. My son is also a risk taker but I wanted to weigh prevention (his own accident or fatality) versus creating too much anxiety that wound stop him from enjoying activities which he loves. I did not include details of the blunt force head trauma even with those images singed into my brain. I also told him that most people live long lives and die from diseases like heart disease and cancer. He feared my death for years. I told him what happened to his dad was an accident and happens very rarely. He had a lot of anxiety. I told him information that was age appropriate but never lied.

Hi still_lost, I understand how you feel. I wrote on your other post. Yes, the anger. I went through many, many cycles of it. I may have made some peace when I watched the K2 movie. Those men did not go there to die that day. It was a tragedy. I could relate. I somewhat forgave him. But lately I feel the struggle and it's been going on for over five years. Nobody would believe how defeated I feel this far out. How basic survival feels like life without much support. People say that money doesn't buy happiness but it sure buys some childcare, a much needed break from work, or a vacation to re-energize. So, yes, have been feeling angry again. Angry at him for taking it all away. But those feelings are never spoken Because being angry at someone who lost their life and chance to be a father and husband is irrational. It's like saying the earth is not the centre of the universe when it was believed by all to be. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice. But I empathize with you.

Hi still_lost, I'm there with you. I have less now than two decades ago. We lost everything except the car. And I was the one working and paying for it! I don't know anyone who struggles like we do. I feel like I'm working to pay someone else's mortgage every paycheque. I haven't had a holiday in almost four years. I'm exhausted too. I want off social media when I see everyone else's fun. This life is no fun. My child exhausts me. Sometimes I think that life is pointless. I didn't want to depress you but I feel the same way. And I don't talk about it because I don't want to be a downer. But it's my reality that I feel others can't relate to. Not my married friend, with a house, who works part time and gets many holidays per year. Not the stay at home parents that have time to chat at school drop off and pick up as I struggle to get to work on time and not lose a job I'm too exhausted to do. Not the divorced parents who get support and alimony and get time away from their kids. Not my married or childless friends for obvious reasons. We were widowed in the prime of our lives. And nobody was there to help me but just see me drown. Oh shit. I have no wine but I may eat the box of chocolates that I bought for my son's teacher. I'm in solidarity with you as I know how much it sucks.

Thanks to all of the solo parents who took the time to respond. It's much appreciated. I know that I'm not alone and try my best not to complain but I feel like I've tried enough lately. SoVerySad, I used to be a clinically anxious person. I worried about everything. When my healthy husband died tragically I realized that all of the worrying couldn't have prevented it. My intuition knew how he would die almost three years before. I'm less anxious as we've been through hell and kept going. But it's like a neverending hike where the summit remains out of view. And it's rainy and muddy. Cutting my hours would make it impossible to pay rent. The childcare subdidy would only pay thirty percent of care. It seems impossible to get ahead. April, I'm sorry for all that you have gone through. That is how it has felt. One thing after another. Non stop. MrsKro, the in laws live on another continent. Far away. But at this point if I don't get help I'll have a nervous breakdown. Trying, that's what I'm hoping. To have that time to gather myself and get more energy and motivation to keep going. To all those solo parents: let's support each other to keep going even if this sucks.

Hello all. I've been reading but haven't had the energy to respond. It's been five years plus as a solo parent. I rarely have childcare outside of work, school, or studying. I've been doing it since he was two. I think that I just hit a wall. I'm just exhausted. All. The. Time. We've gone through so many loses during the last five years. So many. I didn't want to continue to live, for a long time. It has been the worse time in my life. Yet, I'm still here and just graduated with my second degree. I thought that this degree would signify the end of our struggles, just as I thought that one year after his death my grief would end. I wanted so badly to be proud of myself for this accomplishment. I even won an award to help me pay my tuition and was in the local newspaper. But the happiness was short lived. My mind thought "what's next?" Meaning what negative thing would happen to overshadow the accomplishment. Not long after my car's electrical system started acting up. And the Govt sent me a bill for my first student loan, which was exempt from a bankruptcy. I was right after all. I haven't applied for one new job yet. I've been working some six day weeks to stay afloat. Too tired on day seven to look for a better job. The more I work the more pain I have. The childcare to get a better job is unaffordable but I need it to get that better job to pay for childcare. I make too much for a subsidy but not enough to pay for it. I may send my child to the in laws for the summer. But right now even knowing that is a possibility and something to look foward to is not enough to motivate me. I'm just looking for some encouragement.