beth_krkswidow

Dear Melissa, I am so terribly sorry for your loss.  Yes the pain is indescribable and unrelenting.  No one could fathom the utter devastation. But you are completely normal. Unfortunately this is the hell of losing the love of your life. I  remember keening and not knowing what that sound was or where it could possibly be coming from. You are so fresh and raw. I wish I  could give you a hug,  remembering the depth of horror of the early days. I am so very very sorry you are where you are. 

Cling to those who are helping you (letting you talk, or sitting with you in silence, or doing laundry or errands for you... whatever it is that you need. Don't feel guilty for ignoring those "friends "who say heartless hurtful things.

I am sso so sorry. Sending you warm hugs.

On 3/25/2019 at 10:47 AM, Bunny said:

I’ve always been someone who cried both tears of sorrow and joy fairly easily. Now...it seems to take even less to get me there! And, when it happens, there is just this added element in my heart that takes my tears to a different level. I am, in a strange way, grateful for it. Though I notice I need to buy water-proof mascara now and keep a handkerchief always near at hand! Conversely, I also feel a certain detachment from the world that was absent before. 

Bunny, I n could have written every word of this

Cry at the drop of a hat.  Almost anything can reduce me to tears. 

And I  have much less empathy for others.  I  compare their problems to losing the Love of my life my wonderful Kirk ... and if it's not nearly that devastating anr shattering,  I  feel nothing.

And I used to be a very compassionate person 

I  am so sorry.  I  had no idea. I am shocked and saddened. Did not know he was sick.  I am so so sorry 

So so sorry for your loss, Lead2. 

Just so sorry.  Don't know what to say.  So sorry to hear it all

Hugs

Right there with you.  You sound perfectly norma

Course our def of normal is not the same as the rest of the world

Kirk died 2 days before our 28th wedding anniversary so I  too have the double whammy at Sadiversary /anniversary time. His birthday is next Wednesday.  But he remains the same age, and I  am growing ever closer to being as old as he. Strange he was always 5 years older than I  and now onky 2 years separates our ages.

Still love these songs. Took me awhile to find them.

THIRD Christmas without him. Unbelievable. Still sucks

You expect to outlive your parents. You don't expect to outlive your spouse, your life partner. EVERYTHING changes with the death of a spouse who is your soulmate. NOTHING is ever the same again

With the death of a parent, no matter how close you wete, changes some things but definitelynot everything.  I  was not in the least bit surprised by the vastly different reactions you express

Hugs to you

Sending hugs. SO sorry. Glad you have his pjs for comfort. 

Well, since I met the guy I'm dating at my Widow/er Grief Group... there was no need to tell i was widowed. He'd heard my story countless times.

And oddly, I  can't say when I decided to start dating because it just happened. I had turned down many dates. I  was NOT interested in dating. There were several people in my grief group who helped me with work on my property. My hubby had done everything so I  was pretty helpless. After one time when this guy was helping me, we were watching a movie. He put his arm around me and kissed me.. and we are still dating. That was over a year out. And I still tell him that if he'd ASKED me out, I'd  have said no. 

Cae, I  often wonder the same thing. My 2 dogs mourned for 2 weeks. One wouldn't eat. And the other one ate but just laid around all the time, not like his normal boisterous impish self. At 2.5 years I wonder if they wonder why he never came home. I took them to the cemetery last week and kept telling them this is where Daddy is. They did not understand.  I  just wonder what they think. I  had always said if I died I wanted them yo see my dead body so they wouldn't think I abandoned them. But he died at the hospital so it was not available .

Hugs. Just hugs

You sound like me. My husband did EVERYTHING. All the shopping , laundry, bills,etc. I worked but at home he spoiled me rotten. But you are ahead of where I was at 3 months. For the first year I actively wanted to be dead. We do survive

Kicking and screaming  sometimes. 

So p sorry for the abuse you were subjected to at your most vulnerable point

Hugs to you

At  two and a half years, I  still wear mine where he put them.  I slso wear his around my neck. I am dating someone and he does not mind at all. In fact, for a surgery, they had to remove them (I couldn't get them off. Fortunately they were able to get them off without cutting them. I  cried when they got them off and the guy I'm dating hugged me while I cried then held them for me during my surgery. I  plan ,maybe someday having a ring made of his snd mine.  But I'm not ready yet to take them off. He is still my husbsnd

Shayla, I  am at 2.5 years, am doing so very much better. If anyone had told me where I'd be now I wouldn't have believed them. However,  his jeans still hang in the bathroom that he was going to wear the next day, his pictures are still everywhere, etc. They usually make me smile not cry these days.. but when I do cry, it's good not bad. You keep his pillow forever if ylou want. NO one has the authority to dictate that except you

Four months is the rawest of grief time. No one understands that. They think 4 months is a long time. It's a nanosecond. 

H u gs

Amen to all the above comments. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a grief expert [if you ever get the chance to hear him speak, DO IT] says, 

Some of what people say is harmful but mostly what theybsay is "True... BUT NOT HELPFUL!"

He's no longer in pain...true..,NOT HELPFUL

You have the rest of your lufe,,,True..,NOT HELPFUL

etc.etc 

They are clueless DGI's and I  wanted to punch them in the throat

Congratulations, Rob - Wonderful!

Amen! Congratulations and warm hugs

So sorry,  TooSoon, that you are having to deal with this where you are having to deal with it. Sending hugs your way

So sorry you had to join our ranks. You will be in this fog for quite some time.  It's called widow brain and it's real. Look it up. You'll realize it's normal --as normal as is possible in this hell.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one nanosecond at a time.

Gentle hugs

On 12/27/2016 at 7:35 PM, InOverMyHead said:

Fuck missing him so much I forget how to breathe.

Fuck the fact that when I close my eyes I'm back at our house and open them and I am back in this nightmare.

Fuck the fact that I can't wait to die so I can be with him again.

 

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Amen amen amen 

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SamNE,

My thoughts.  This sucks since you do indeed wish to marry.

As to your questions..... your life your choice! Call each other by whatever name you want.   And yes, your friends and family would be thrilled and honored to attend whatever ceremony or occasion you choose. If they do not even wish to attend,  they do not belong among your nearest and dearest.  Being able to attend is different from wishing to attend of course.

Best of wishes to you

Kk, I am so sorry to hear about your accident.  Absolutely 110% understandable  Don't know how you'd have any OTHER reaction.

Just sending hugs

SO so sorry that you landed here in this hell called widowhood. So sorry for your loss. And sorry to hear of your frustrating triybles, Sending hugsyour way