pamtxmom

Today would have been my husband's 64th birthday. I mostly tried not to think about it, but this evening the girls and I each had a cupcake and toasted my husband. Do you celebrate, or ignore things like holidays and birthdays? For Father's Day we didn't do anything. It was just too hard.

This year we just really avoided doing anything for Father's Day because it was too hard.

I'm at about the 9 month mark now. I have finally come out of the shock and the initial fog. I still cry nearly every day though. Some people I've run into recently still don't know and commented on how "drawn" I look. Well, duh! My world was shattered. I shouldn't get mad at them but I do. Some people still check on me, but others just seem to have forgotten that I exist. Especially DH's family members. My girls and I are spending the summer together. Not doing much, but trying to plan ahead to their graduations at the end of next year (one will graduate college, the other will graduate high school).

just four weeks ago today that I called the ambulance and my husband never made it back home. I've tried keeping myself busy all day, but it's creeping in now and the tears are flowing again.

Our 20th Wedding Anniversary - just this past February.

I am Pam, Paul’s wife, and mother of our two daughters (20 and 17 years). Paul and I met at our jobs more than 26 years ago. We dated for 3 years, and lived together for 3 years before marrying. With our oldest in college and the youngest a junior in high school, we were starting to plan retirement. Paul has been my everything for more than 26 years. We celebrated our 20th anniversary in February of 2016. He gave me a beautiful gold heart set with emeralds (my birthstone). He totally surprised me with that. I was still working on his gift (an album of our 20+ years together). I had planned to give it to him at Christmas. Now that opportunity is gone forever. My husband and I were older when we had our children and we poured a lot of our energy into them. (Our daughters are 20 and 17) He had a son from a previous marriage too and spent time helping him with working on car engines and building projects. He loved taking our daughters to museums and teaching them about history. When we traveled, we always stopped at state capitols. My husband only lacked two (Alaska and Maine) to have been to all 50 State Capitols. My husband did dance recitals with the girls when asked to, and he took them to the Daddy Daughter Dance at our local rec center every February. My husband also volunteered in the community: he donated blood as often as they called him; he loved to volunteer at charity golf events, marathons, professional sporting events and our local historical museum. He got one of his bucket list wishes a couple of years ago when he volunteered for the half time crew at the Super Bowl when they played in Dallas. He helped move the pieces of the stage on and off the field. My husband swam 5 days a week at the natatorium and went walking/cycling every day at the local rec center. He saw his Dr. every month to monitor his blood pressure and cholesterol. Early on the morning of Oct. 19th Paul woke me up and said he thought he was having a stroke, and that he hurt all over. He told me he had already taken an aspirin. I got up and called 911 and got dressed and unlocked the door while we waited for them. Emergency arrived and prepped him for the ambulance ride and asked if I wanted to go with them. I said no, I’d drive myself. I regret that decision. But I had no idea he’d never come home. My husband Paul died just 3 hours after he woke me up, of a dissecting aortic aneurysm, at the age of 63. I am devastated. Our daughters are devastated. We chose to celebrate his life rather than have a funeral or memorial service. We gathered in the Old Church at the historical park where he volunteered and played his favorite Willie Nelson song, “Angel Flying too Close to the Ground” and told stories about him. I am moving slowly through the days trying to take care of the “business” of death. I cry all the time and am exhausted at the end of every day. I keep waiting for Paul to call and tell me when he’ll be home. The emptiness is all around me. But, I keep moving forward for our daughters’ sakes.

I'm taking Magnesium supplements to help me sleep, but once I wake up early, I can't fall back to sleep. I am missing my husband's physical presence and cuddling. Has anyone bought a body pillow to sleep with to help?

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband unexpectedly too - no warning. It's been 2.5 weeks now. It feels like forever and like it just happened at the same time. Make yourself eat and drink. Take a shower and dress everyday. Do one or two things every day. Don't try to do it all at once. I have a daughter still in high school and one at college. So, I have to keep going and doing for their sakes. Otherwise I might stay in bed and just cry.

I tried to make an appointment but could never get through to make one. So, I just took my chances and went in.

Dealing with the business of death while you're still grieving sucks! But, I looked on the SSA website and gathered and organized all the documents I needed. The worst part was the hour wait for my turn at the window. He said most people don't have what they need when they came in, so it made things go smoother for me that I had everything ready. I have a daughter still in high school, so the benefits are for her now. I'll get the one time death benefit, and be eligible to apply for survivor benefits around the same time my daughter graduates high school. Has anyone waited past age 60 to apply for survivor benefits so that you could get a higher $ amount?