Missing AC

Leadfeather, we are running along a similar timeline. Thanksgiving was the last Holiday we got to spend with him as well. Sunday the 27th of November of last year has meaning for me as well but in a different way. It was the day he ended up in the ER after experiencing chest pain and losing consciousness. He was still with us the following Monday and I was hopeful. Honestly, the thought of losing him never crossed my mind - I could never imagine such a thing. Then he died unexpectedly on Tuesday November 29th. LIke you, the Tuesday after thanksgiving seems more like the anniversary then the actual date. Glad to hear you and your boys are doing OK. It amazes me how we manage to find the strength to continue on. Missing AC

It hit me hard yesterday, the deep sadness and flood of tears. It paralyzed me. I had to cancel my plans for the day. Spent most of the morning in bed then lounged on the couch watching mindless TV until I went to bed and pretty much sobbed all day long. It was like the beginning all over again. My heart ached for my hubby so terribly much. What gives? Is that protective layer of shock wearing off? or was it everything else? I bought a new car 1 1/2 weeks ago - by myself (it took months of agonizing over it to get to this point). Our 2 cars combined had so many things wrong with them it was causing me too much anxiety. I needed something I felt safe and secure in and wouldn't have me in an auto shop constantly. All part of making life easier on ourselves, right? Wish he was here to enjoy it with me. 2 days after buying my car a man knocks on my door asking if I am selling one of my old cars. Well, the whole process of selling the car, determining what paperwork was needed, getting a smog done was draining. This was the kind of stuff DH handled and here I was now having to deal with this on my own. But I did it and our car went to a new home on Monday. The first car DH and I ever bought together. The car we made so many memories in and our son grew up in. Yep, that was emotionally difficult (I cant stand feeling like I am doing something that is erasing our life together - too short of a life together). On Monday, I also went to DH's older brother's son's birthday and met BILs new grandson. It took everything I had to keep the tears at bay. Seeing everyone together, happy, with their perfect intact families, taking the multi-generational family pictures only amplified DH's absence and my loss. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for the new grandparents, but it hurts that DH will not get to see his first grandchild, that my son wont be able to share that experience with his father, that we won't be able to grow old together and see our family grow. I felt so very lonely and sad for myself - he was the sunshine of my world. Life can be pretty f'd up. So, by Tuesday I was done- exhausted mentally and emotionally. I just needed to be curled up in a ball, under a blanket letting my sad little tears flow. I wish nothing more than to have my happy carefree life back.

I consider myself a non-denominational Christian. DH was not a believer. We didn't do religion. However, since his passing (7 months now), I've tried to get back in touch with my faith. I've gone to church a few times but have found it difficult to be consistent about going. My teenage son refuses to go and I don't like going alone (or being a third wheel). I know, it's church and it shouldn't matter, but still. So, I watch the service online. I pray everyday and spend time reading passages some nights. I feel I need something to hold on to, something to give me a bit of strength to make it through this hell. It helps some, but I admit I bounce back and forth.

I'm with you 100% on this. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Hugs

Feeling pretty down this weekend. It's our first Father's Day since our world came tumbling down. It hurts that DH is not here to celebrate having brought into life our wonderful son. It hurts that my son doesn't have his dad to celebrate the day with. This all just sucks !! But, there are still grandfathers around - thankful for that. We will be spending time with them both this weekend. What are you all doing on/how do you all cope with this day?

Mcdc, it's my first as well and I understand your pain. (((Hugs))) and Happy Mother's Day to you and everyone on this forum - we are all doing our best.

I recently passed 5 months. Why am I here? I found this site in my first few weeks searching for "young widows" online and beeing here has been a lifesaver. I came looking to know that I was not the only one in the world going through this tragic experience, that there were others out there, young, with children. I came looking for people who knew what I was going through, am still going through and will forever be going through it, because lets face it, we will carry some remnants of this grief all our lives. No one in my real life has gone through something like this and as we all know to well they just don't understand, how can they without experiencing it. I dont post much but I read everyday. This is a form of therapy for me, a safe place, a place to share and ask questions when I am lost and don't know what to do and don't have anyone to go to. I come here for a glimpse of hope that I will survive this, that I can keep going. I draw strength from everyone here. I am so sorry we all have to be here but I am so grateful for all the wonderful, caring people on this site.

1. Came home this past Sunday to find my neighbor sent his kid over to mow my front yard. It was a nice gesture. 2. Had a nice lunch on Tuesday with a friend. 3. I've been getting my exercise in and going for brisk walks all this week. Hope the motivation continues 'cause I need to lose weight and haven't done anything since my DH passed 5 months ago. 4. I haven't really shed tears this week. Okay, so that was 4 and I could probably add a couple more. Yes, its been a much better week. Should I be worried? Is there a big low coming my way?

Fuck that I am lonely! Fuck that my son misses his dad badly, is hurting and there is nothing I can do to fix the pain! Fuck all the people who said they would be there for us! I am tired of being the one that makes all the effort! Fuck being a solo parent!! I don't know how to do this. Fuck this nightmare!!!!!!!!!

So I am talking with my mom today and she asks if I have taken care of "things" Meaning do I have all my finances, legal things in order in case anything were to happen to me. I mean, really? I know she means well but, really? At 4 months out, I barely manage to make it through each day and the last thing I want to think about is something happening to me and my child being left an orphan, but I get it that we have no control over when something might happen. So now that the question is out there, have you all taken care of "things" since your spouse's death? Living trust? will? your kids guardianship? Is this all something I should be focusing on right now? I hate having to think about these things.

Many hugs to you Beth! I am home today as well, not alone cuz kid is home, but the void is there and the silence in the house is too much. The water works have been on all morning. I miss him so much.

Thank you all. It's good to know I am not alone and crazy (well, as Laura said, maybe just a bit). No one understands our struggles and the difficulties of this journey, except those who are living it.

I've had a tough day today. It's 4 months since he died, so suddenly. Next week is my son's spring break and we have no plans. A few weeks before he passed we had been talking about what we would do for spring break- maybe visit his cousins in Chicago or visit Niagara Falls(the Canadian side). Now spring break is here and he is not. His clothes still hangs in the closet and sits in the drawers. Some days I feel like I am ready to start going through his things but then I don't have the strength. In some ways it's like guilt hits me. I want to change the bedroom furniture but then I don't. I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I miss him so much, I miss my best friend. I just want my life back the way it was- happy.

I don't know how far you live from your work but if it will lessen your commute time and allow more time for your son than go for it. I used to not worry about staying at work late because I knew dad was home but now, I leave on time, maybe a little earlier, so I can get home to my son. My job also allows me to work from home once a week or more if needed. I definitely think it helps to be close to friends and family. I've learned to ask for help and say thank you A LOT. I think asking for help is key to making life easier on us.

Thank you for this. It expresses everything I have been experiencing, thinking and feeling and wish I could express to friends and family. I will carry it with me along with Unique and Devastating Loss.