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  1. RyanAmysMom

    Teenager vs. Mom vs. Covid

    I've been so proud of my kiddos. I mean.... seriously. They're amazing. Self-sufficient, patient, smart, hard working, loving. But this quarantine may break me and my son. He has had major issues with anxiety and fear and depression all his life. He is TERRIFIED of Covid. Like.. he won't go out. (He's 19).... He won't look for a job. He's not taking college classes this Fall. He won't even talk about going out to dinner. He wears his mask anytime he's out. Said we shouldn't have our landscaper working right now. He insists that the virus is "just getting started" and we need to be far more careful than we've been. Our Northern CA city of about 75,000 people has had 20 cases since February, all in people over age 65. I am cautious, but not paralyzed with fear. (all along I've been far more worried about the economy than the virus).. I think he's over-reacting and letting his fears and anxiety get the best of him and watching him suffer makes me miserable. He told me today he thinks I'm stubborn, ignorant, selfish and irresponsible. He's struggling watching me be so cavalier.... i suppose there are truths to both perspectives.. but it sure hurt to hear him say those things about me, to me..... been crying for 2 days now.....
  2. RyanAmysMom

    And it is okay to just be right now......

    Just posted this to my FB page... have several friends who needed to hear and see this...... (maybe even me....) Every day I've gotten out of bed and thought I should go work in the yard .. or clean out the garage...... and then I don't...... because...........I just don't. And I am frustrated with myself..... but this probably helps me understand what's going on in my brain... Thanks for sharing!
  3. RyanAmysMom

    Project Mode During Quarantine

    Great question! It's so healthy to be focused on goals and productivity when we feel so "trapped"! I have finished 2 quilts, and started 2 more. Cleared the "muck" from my front yard so it's ready to landscape. Started clearing the back yard! Made over 100 masks for family and friends. shampooed carpets Kept in touch with most of my 4th grade students... uploaded work and answered questions for them... I would rather just sit and play on my computer all day, but................... unfortunately ............ I can't be still!
  4. Julester - Thank you! I had another rough day, but talking to a few of my "kids" definitely helped. I pray that over the next week, things will get a little more normal and I'll be able to get my mind off of ME and onto OTHERS. Thanks again!
  5. OMG... My check-in 8 days ago seems like a lifetime ago........ And my mental state has deteriorated so much in the past 8 days. I'm in a near constant anxiety attack.... crying, hyperventilating, stressing, etc..... I have to start back to work teaching tomorrow, and somehow I have to put on a sane face for my students and their families....... not sure how that's gonna happen.... Please, God, make this stop.... or send someone to hug me....
  6. Hi! I'm Jennifer. I'm 48... I live in Northern California. I have two teenagers, Ryan (19) and Amy (16). I lost my David nearly 5 years ago. He had a life-long heart/lung condition that he struggled with, and it eventually took him from me. I also come to this site nearly daily, to check in with those whom I know understand this experience. I look for advice on everyday things - how to help my kids, how to keep my sanity, what's normal grieving, relationship advice, spiritual advice, and just to know that others have walked this path before, and there is a lightness at the end of the tunnel... I'm having a terrible time with this quarantine for a variety of reasons.... First, I teach elementary school - and I desperately miss my students, their families, and my co-workers. I feel terribly isolated..... My teaching is my purpose...... and for the past few days I've felt lost.... I have been dating a wonderful man for a few months - and he is working throughout this ... and he has other obligations as well - so I feel isolated from him. As we're doing our best to isolate, I also feel distanced from family and friends.... Facebook has been a savior, but it's not going to be enough. I feel terrified for our community's future - for our nation's future - not because of the virus - but because of the behavior of citizens - they terrify me. I am afraid for our economy. I'm watching my husband's life insurance dwindling in my investment accounts, praying the markets will bounce back eventually. Yesterday, a friend of mine, a very close friend of my parents, discovered her husband slumped over, dead of a heart attack in their home. All of the trauma, the shock, the disbelief came roaring back to me. Here's what I hold on to: 1. My kids need me. I thank God for them every day....they provide my purpose, my direction, and my hope. 2. My dogs need me. I know..... but they comfort me, and I believe they are better off for living with us. 3. My God knows what's going on and is in control. I don't like it, but he knows. 4. I'm healthy, and so are my kids and my family. This is one thing I have some control over - so I'll take care of myself and those I love as long as I can. 5. I can use this time to grieve, to grow, and to remember. I can choose my perspective and choose to be patient, and to savor this time with my kids and make good use of the time. 6. This will pass. The only constant in life is change. 7. It's ok to fall apart. Because it's happened before. Over and over. And every time, it has passed, and I pull myself together again. 8. I'm not alone. And neither are you. God bless.....
  7. RyanAmysMom

    "Dear Evan Hansen"

    My daughter is 16.... and she's 4.5 years out from daddy's passing. But she and I were hugely affected by the show. She has read the book and knew what to expect.... I had the basic idea, but it was very "in your face" with the social issues.... I really don't recommend this show for families who have had trauma..... I had a friend commit suicide as a teen - it brought back all of that..... And then in the show when the mom has a "breakdown" and describes how hard it was to hold her boy as dad drove away.... of course I thought of when our dad "left.".... it was just a lot...... As an educator, I think this show has its place - I think all educators and people who work with children and teens should see it - it is masterful at exposing the thought processes of these young people..... I think parents of children who have suffered depression should see it - if only to help understand their kids better.
  8. RyanAmysMom

    "Dear Evan Hansen"

    My daughter read this book last year and insisted that we needed to see the stage show/musical. We saw it last night in Sacramento. It was intense. Fantastic music. Fantastic acting. Amazing story. Inspiring themes. But, wids, beware.... It's a minefield of triggers. If you don't know the story, it's basically about a lonely boy who's supposed to write uplifting notes to himself (Dear Evan Hansen, Today will be a great day and here's why....) As Evan's heading back to high school he tries to write today's note, and it ends up as more of a suicide note..... But another student takes the note from the printer, and claims that HE wrote it to Evan.... And then that boy does commit suicide. The story progresses exploring how both families handle the loss, and it addresses marital stress and discord, teenage relationships, single parenting, divorce.... Along the way, there are very hopeful moments where teens and families come together to support each other and find ways to heal.... but getting there is quite an emotional journey. My daughter and I sat in the theater bawling, holding each other.... but listening to the sounds of sniffling throughout the theater..... It's a powerful experience.... But go carefully! Love! Jen
  9. RyanAmysMom

    Is this grief, or something else?

    I'm no professional.... but it sounds a little like PTSD, a little codependent, a little needy, a lot like grief...... and it's all really really normal. Feeling how you're feeling is very normal. Your children growing up and establishing their own lives is normal. Missing them desperately is normal.
  10. This is So Very Normal...... and so troubling. I am impressed that you are so in tune with these feelings and sensations...... Just keep talking about her. Your relationship deserves a legacy....a story.
  11. RyanAmysMom

    Breaking up? Seeing other people?

    Well, it took almost another month, but as often happens, it fell apart all by itself.... I was right - he wasn't the right guy for me. I miss him. I truly love him.... but we weren't a good fit. In talking about things, we discovered that I didn't want to hurt him, and he didn't want to be the "guy who dumped the widow...." So.... onward.......
  12. I have been seeing a man for a few months now..... He's really great. We are far from the perfect couple, but we have been exclusive for a bit.... We really struggle with communication - which I'm seriously coming to understand is my fault...... seriously... I don't want to stop seeing him. But, knowing that life is short, precious, and our time is limited, I also feel that I want to keep looking for someone who might be a better fit. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong to want to continue to see him? Is it fair to him? Or does the fact that I want to keep looking tell me everything I need to know? And for God's sake, how do I tell him? I hate the thought of hurting anyone..... especially someone I truly care about... Ugh.... I hate dating. Any advice? Thx
  13. RyanAmysMom

    Graduations..... These kids keep growing up!

    Oh Rob..... Your baby sounds like my baby..... He has always suffered from extreme anxiety and gets overwhelmed in groups, in situations that were too social.... My baby started Junior College this week - He homeschooled himself for the past 3 years, so getting back to a "schedule" and "people everywhere" is overwhelming for him. I have had to talk him down a couple of times this week - but he's working through it. My baby (18.5 years old) has also resisted driving... But he's taking his behind-the-wheel test on Thursday next week - I'm PRAYING he passes..... I need him to stretch his wings.... I admire your willingness to support your baby in whatever is needed..... I only hope I could be so kind.
  14. RyanAmysMom

    Have you ever been called out?

    I have a couple of perspectives on this.... First - if it's important enough to approach them, then you can't worry too much about how they'll receive it..... (If you're worrying about how it will be received, perhaps you're not the right one to deliver it...?) If the parent is being irresponsible, they need to be called out - but maybe not called out, but offers of support need to be made. I know I have had times of inappropriate parenting (setting a bad example, being selfish, making poor choices) when I needed support - when I felt the most lonely, the most desperate.... But the bottom line is.. I needed someone to not JUST point it out, but to support me through it.. help me see another way... If the parenting issue is putting a child in danger (any form of abuse including sexual, verbal, physical, neglect, hunger, etc.) then the parent should first be confronted but be told that CPS will be contacted if the issue doesn't improve. But again... if you care enough to get involved, be part of the solution, as well. I have received a lot of feedback about how I raise my son.... Crap shoveled on me because I don't make him "man-up" and do chores like mowing the lawn, or other stupid things... But what the world doesn't see is what he DOES do for me and our family. I've given him a lot of leeway emotionally - removed a LOT of stressors from him (pulled him from public school, delayed learning to drive, etc.) because what others don't know is that he has previously made suicide threats and has extremely intense anxiety issues.... So... recognize that there may be more to the situation than you know..... And if you get involved.... Help all the way through to the solution - don't just criticize... Because the person probably knows they're failing.. but they don't have the knowledge, or energy, or resources, or strength to fix it.... Jen
  15. RyanAmysMom

    facing my inner demon....

    My husband died 4 years ago tomorrow. I blame myself. I haven't forgiven myself. I don't know how. I still cry when I think about his passing.. because I blame myself. I feel so guilty. So responsible. So at fault. I shoulda....... If only........ What if....... If........ Should've taken him home. Should've been with him. Shouldn't have left him alone. Shouldn't have ignored his complaints. If only I had forced him to wear his medic alert bracelet.... Should've helped him get more exercise, eat better.... Should've heeded doctor's warnings..... Should've been a better caretaker, wife.... If only I had taken better care of him.... maybe.... My logical mind knows damn well that there was nothing that I could have done - he was living on borrowed time anyway - and his care was up to him, not me. My logical mind knows the result was inevitable. But the emotional toll........ I know I"m not alone in this..... you understand, right?

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