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RyanAmysMom

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  • Date Widowed
    7-13-15


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  1. RyanAmysMom

    We are on this board because.......

    I am on this board because........... this journey is so lonely, so isolating.... And I feel a community here. I find hope here. I am here because David was worth remembering. I am here because I can't do this alone. I am here because I learn from others' experiences. And I am grateful for YOU!
  2. My goodness.... writing this helped me clear my head so much! And reading your input helped as well. I did choose to walk away from G. As I wrote this, and as I read it.... I realized what was really wrong.... G was not in love with me. I may be a fool.... but I am a romantic... an idealist.... I am worthy of love. I deserve someone who is crazy about me. I deserve someone who wants to hear about the things that are important to me. I need to be with someone whose values match mine, who values family the way I do..... I need to be with someone who wants the partnership, intimacy, companionship of a committed relationship. And it was never going to be that with G. My relationship with G was ok at first because I wasn't capable of the intimacy and vulnerability of a "marriage relationship..." It was fun. It was ok. It was shallow. But I feel like I'm recovering from my grief journey - I feel like I"m finally coming alive.... and I am craving that kind of companionship. And as we all know..... life is short..... So off I go into the wild world of dating.... And....... I'm hugely optimistic.....
  3. So.... I met G online last summer. We've had a lot of fun.. Things are fine. And then New Year's came... and I always do a goal-setting, year planning thing..... (NOT RESOLUTIONS!!!!) So I invited G to participate..... And I realized I have no idea where this relationship is headed... where I want us to go.. (or even what I am capable of doing) More importantly, I have no idea what he wants. I realized I haven't asked him. (And he hasn't made a point of bringing it up, either) I"m so afraid of being hurt, of being vulnerable, I've just been "going with the flow." (I suppose he's doing the same) ?? And now that I'm looking ahead..... ugh... I love this man. But I don't think I am IN LOVE with him and I don't think I want a "forever" relationship with him. But it's good right now. Really good. So do I grow up and end it and save us both a lot of pain later? Or do I enjoy it until it plays out? Why, as an intelligent, educated, responsible person, would I CHOOSE to pursue a relationship that's nothing more than indulgent? Why, as a moral woman, parent of teenagers, would I continue to date someone I don't plan to be with in the future? But then again..... Why can't I just enjoy this for this season? What's wrong with being happy? And WHY can't I talk to him about this? I"m realizing that I'm really a dating virgin. Right now I'm just happy because a cute boy is paying attention to me and thinks I'm cute. I have no idea how to communicate, no idea how to express my feelings.... DH was so intuitive.... so smart.. so patient... So planning the year... Is he preventing me from meeting any goals? Would my goals or plans be different without him? Am I missing out on things I want? Is he adding to my experiences? What can I do to bring hubby back? That would solve all of these issues......
  4. RyanAmysMom

    mixed feelings

    Beautifully said. And I totally agree. We are the authors.....
  5. RyanAmysMom

    Thanks Grieving.........

    Just saw this as a "typo" on a facebook post - But it's so ironically accurate. Thanks Grieving.... Yep. That's where I'm at this year. Anybody else? Having to face DH's family is so emotionally draining - Since hubby's passing 3 years ago, we also lost his mom, dad, aunt, and uncle.... the dinner table's pretty spacious at this point..... I sincerely pray we can all find some peace, some gratitude, some happiness this season.
  6. RyanAmysMom

    Dreams...

    Oh, such heartbreak.... again and again, it seems. So sorry that's how your day has started. Prayers for a better day ahead.....
  7. RyanAmysMom

    The problem is me.

    That's just it - I didn't realize that I needed to! I thought that I was "in a relationship" and "functioning at work" (and probably in other relationships, too) and just finally realized I'm not satisfied with those things because of ME! So... admitting there's a problem is the first step, right? Yes, I do want to change - I want that intimacy, ease, comfort, trust that I used to enjoy in relationships..... One step at a time..... And Trying: No, he's not the type that will talk about it much - I'm sure I could tell him that I've realized this about myself, and he'll acknowledge it, (probably agree) and move on. Not that he's uncaring - He's just pretty black and white - either you're in or you're out - The one time we had a "disagreement" his response was very simple - are you committed or not? That's all that matters - if you're committed, it'll work out. If you're not, it'll continue to be a problem. He's just not one to emote or react emotionally.... And his lack of intense emotion about stuff has allowed me to function on that plane, too...... So...... yeah. Time to get uncomfortable, I guess.
  8. RyanAmysMom

    The problem is me.

    Ugh... seriously frustrated and confused. I have been dating my guy for almost 6 months now - I keep wondering why things aren't different....better.....more.... I have a new boss at work since August.... I keep wondering why things just don't feel right..... And then today it hit me.... I can't. I can't trust. I can't open up. I can't get vulnerable. I just can't. Can't? or Won't? Am I so scarred from my loss that I can't develop relationships? Am I broken? Am I jaded? I want so desperately to connect to someone the way I used to connect with DH.... I am surrounded by people who want to be in my life, and I just can't....... And I feel so lonely. This sucks.
  9. RyanAmysMom

    I'm Tired

    ❤️❤️❤️
  10. RyanAmysMom

    It’s been five years

    Best of luck to you!
  11. RyanAmysMom

    I'm Julia, freshly widowed

    Welcome, Julia. So sorry you've joined us here. And it's so hard to deal with trauma along with family drama.... You certainly have several reasons to still be in shock. Rest assured, it is normal, and probably not permanent, although it feels crazy and forever.
  12. Had the most wonderful date with my two teenage kids tonight - And toward the end of the evening, I was reminded of how much their dad would laugh at certain things they'd do.... And it hurt so deeply, so sharp...... Will it ever not hurt to remember? When will I get those "sweet" memories? I want to remember and smile...... I'm so tired of crying.... 3 years 2 months 2 hours........
  13. RyanAmysMom

    Sexy Widowed Saturday Night!

    Virgo - that sounds AWESOME! My NG and I went to the Gallo Winery for a "Picnic"- The local Symphony backed a cover band for Queen - it was fun! (But I'd much rather see Ed Sheeran!)
  14. RyanAmysMom

    Life update…and ramblings….

    Oh, Maureen.... your shoulders must be tired from carrying all of that..... I'm grateful that you shared.... I hope that you are finding some closure, some completion, some connection in all of these changes.
  15. RyanAmysMom

    Those familiar chest pains of loss

    Kudos to you for having the courage and integrity to do the right thing. I'm having a lot of the same experiences lately - but I don't currently have the mettle to make the change - I just can't "choose" to be lonely and have those feelings of loss again...... yet. Perhaps a new perspective would help? Maybe you've had a great learning experience, and you'll move on to something wonderful...... And that is a real possibility because you're not tied up in something that wasn't working. All the best to you.

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  • Date Widowed
    7-13-15


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