Mrs Reader

I love this board. And all you fellow widdas here. After a terribe Christmas I am having a magically good day. And Roch, you will have those too, I promise. Not now but eventually you will. These wise people here are so good, listen to them. I listened, read everything and I still come back here on bad days, good days and boring days. It always works. Hugs!

Needytoo, the money issue I understand well. But it seems that at least you have talked about It at some level, if he said he will pay ( and then didn`t :-\). Money is very delicate subject for me, I am avoiding it at all cost (haha, pun intended). I am stable economically, and I suspect that I am better off than he is. We always split everything. And even if I Say to myself that I do not care... dunno.

Oversensitivity, I think that is the thing. And that combined with my changing moods doesn`t make a nice soup. NG and me, we fixed things up and my feelings went back to their radar. This makes me feel so silly and adolescent, but we agreed that from now on hey, let`s talk about things straight away : I will try to relax and just take it easy from now on. At least for a while ;D

Arneal, how nice... that sounds so cozy and easy I have started to wonder... maybe I am not ready to date after all. Every minor setback or misunderstanding with him sends me back to the deep end of grief. It is unfair to him, I realize that. I can`t expect things to be too smooth betweed two people trying to find out about each other. But I stupidly do! Maybe I should take a timeout and try again in like hundred years, then I might be more balanced. Sigh.

Klim, I am having same doubts. The guy I met when I wasn’t even a full year out, turned out to be quite ok and I have been dating him for what, five months already He is totally different from my DH, but has interesting new qualities and I do like him. However, god help him if he does a mistake! I don`t argue, I just withdraw and I start to doubt and plan my good bye speech. And this goes on in my head until we meet again and everything turns out ok and I go back to liking him again. He is good at apologizing and discussing, and apparently I like him enough to work things out. But still, it is exhausting to prepare to leave him regularly. My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws? Why is he under my microscope all the time? Because I am secretly comparing him to DH even if I pretend I am not? Or because I am expecting everything to be perfect because I deserve it? Or because I am oversensitive to setbacks because of widowhood? Or maybe he just isn`t the right guy? How do I know when I don`t?

At exactly ten months I felt awful and did crazy stuff. But then suddenly things changed at one year mark. Since then it has been a lot easier. I still have bouts of despair and deep sadness, but more rarely and less intensive. All in all, I am almost ok most of the time, here at 14 months. Almost ok is not totally fine, but it feels fabulous all the same. So hang on. Someone here said that it gets worse until it gets better. I counted on that scentence and it turned out so true.

Life isn't what it was supposed to be, true. It makes me sad to read this, I am so so sorry you had such a shitty luck running into this guy. I don't know what to say, bacause you have all the answers already. You call him dirtbag and still crave his warmth. But are you sure that letting go of him and going back to the point where you started would actually be worse than this? The loneliness, yes. But maybe if you faced the facts now would get you forward, as you didn't have time to do so before you got involved with Mr Disgusting. I felt so so lonely and transparent and alienated for the first year (I have my kids though, so who am I to say really) and I went through my sorrow quite thoroughly, or so I thought. Now I am involved with a guy who is really nice to me and still I am confused, unsure, sometimes even uncapable of normal adult conversation with him. So even with Mr Nice things are hard, strange and difficult. For me. Not him, as I don't articulate this he doesn't know. I really don't know what to say to help you. But I know that the need of human connection is huge. I know I am just blabbing, sorry about that. Basically I just wanted to give you a big hug :'(

... when you talk to your wedding ring in your right hand where you wear it nowadays. I use it as a microphone to contact my DH

You are all so right, I knew you'd get it. It is almost impossible to pay attention to all the things at the same time... my needs, my kids needs, his feelings, and my own totally bat shit crazy mixed feelings. And then the fact that I really am a single parent and it is not so easy to make excuses and sneak out the door to meet my guy. Funnily, my kids have all this time talked about my possible future dating in a very positive manner. Somehow they seem to imagine it as an interesting addition to our family : But I guess it is easy for them as long as it doesn't actually happen. Oh why is this so difficult! The whole last year was difficult enough, and now when I am feeling better and even happy, I am more confused than ever :-[

I am dating someone now, I am 14 months out. It has been going on for two months and I haven't told my kids (9 and 16). I am starting to wonder about it too, when to proceed with this. Part of me wants to see him more often, but that is difficult as I can't invite him over. I don't really feel ready to introduce him to my kids. Also part of me feels quite strongly about him, and other part just keeps doubting. It is very exhausting somehow, not knowing what I really want. We are dating exclusively, he is very sweet and talks about his feelings for me, and there I am just staring at him not knowing what to say. It is like I just can't let myself feel the feelings that I am actually already feeling. This doesn't make any sense to me, maybe it does to you guys?

A month is a month, forget the guy. You want someone who is after you, not the other way around. Don't waste you time even thinking about him, I would say.

BH2, that means I only have three weeks to go! And I just changed my object and started from scratch ;D

What a conersation! Thank you, there were so many points to my question that it really made me think what is it that I am after. But what Arneal said makes so much sense: Mutual makes it better, no matter the 'when'. What was I thinking! It is not about ME. And not about when. And while realizing this I suddenly got a message from another much nicer sounding guy and completely forgot the previous one. Which kind of answers my own question. I will go for it when the moment and the person is right. But I won't try to force it happen to make my solitude go away. Instead I am fixing a new date with the new guy, take it easy and see from there. Oh, and I am certainly free from any judgement from anyone, I'll bloody do my best with this life I was thrown to. May it include some dirty dancing with clean guys

I came out of my widow's cave after almost a year, used some internet, met a guy over a coffee. We had nice conversation and he was pleasant to look at. I don't know what to think. Part of me wants to invite him over and rip his clothes off, the other part is listing all the things that were 'wrong' with him. But does it really matter that he maybe isn't exactly mr Right? What to do? I just want, you know, sex. And some light conversation to go with that. He will unlikely initiate, widowhood makes me look vulnerable in his eyes, I guess. He was that kinda thoughtful warmhearted guy. Should I just go for it or wait a bit more until I am sure? What if I am never sure?

Where I live we have a one year rule. That is the deadline to act with the ashes. so we buried my DH's ashes a week ago. It was like a mini-funeral, all the men got to cry some cries they obviously needed to, and I got to notice that I have let go a little bit. All in all, I am strangely relieved. I didn't have to set the time frame, it was done for me. And now, I somehow feel liberated, like I am and I must start to somehow be free, somehow let go, somehow start to see myself as just me. And I have started, here at 11 months. I feel so much better thean even three months ago. I could have lived with his ashes for decades, but I dunno, meybe this forced timeline also forces me to move on, even just a little bit.