janieK

Hello, @AprilRain and others, I came across this forum today and then this thread on suicide as the cause of the spouse's death. Your post on your experience resonated with me so much. My spouse died in July 2016, from an overdose. We were separated at the time (initiated by me), after 26 years of marriage and three (young adult) children. I've been going to a support group for suicide survivors, which has been supportive and affirming, yet everyone there has lost either a sibling or an adult child. I haven't wanted to join a support group for widows because it's not like I was exactly in the position of being a still-loving wife. I was exhausted and just a caretaker, no longer a lover and true partner. Your narrative seems SO familiar to me, which helps alleviate my feeling of being so uniquely at fault: for not helping him sufficiently. Maybe I did a lot and could never have done enough. And even now, since his death, I have so much to do to clean up all the mess left behind (financial) and help the kids get their lives back on track. I want to be living *my* life -- I do think there is a lot to enjoy. Tired of always picking up the pieces. Not sure what I want to contribute at the moment. I am benefiting from reading all the posts here. I worry that if I spend a lot of time telling this story it takes away from other stories I could tell or a life I could live. I've lived for a long time in the shadow of my husband's disappointment, anger, etc. Oh, so I'm not so young: age 51. Still, my spirit age feels younger, and that a new chapter is possible.