KrypticKat

End of this month he will be gone longer than I knew him. Its also the anniversary of the accident. We met and he died the exact same day of the year. So this year is a dooozy. I've done better each year coping, honoring and moving through it. This year is hard. Covid has taken away many of my distractions and now we have reached that stupid date. I feel ungrounded. Old feelings are coming back. I think if he hadn't died I'd probably be a mother by now. Life is very different. Its crazy hes been gone that long. I'm rambling but I suppose one does that when its all bubbling out. I miss him. He showed me what real love is. Loyalty. Kindness. I was lucky. It hurts.

Thanks Julester. I hope he appreciates I now consider him a designer cat given how much money I had to invest in him. LOL

My husband and I got a cat part way through out relationship. After his passing that cat got me through a lot of tough nights and forced me out of my bed to feed him. This past week his kidneys suddenly started to fail for an unknown reason. He was too young for this to be happening. I went between two vets that were giving me different diagnoses but finally through some miracle they figured it out and saved him. I never thought I'd be the type to spend that much money saving a pet but I'm sure some of you can relate to how special your pet you had with your late spouse can become. The whole experience of making medical decisions to save him reminded me of making those decisions for my husband in the ICU. Even though the cat is back and okay my anxiety is about an 11/10 right now. Feeling a little nuts. My brain seems to be looking for anything to worry about (if my friends hate me, bills, arranging appointments). A week ago these were not really issues for me. It's like I'm in fight or flight mode. Waiting for the deeper breathe to happen. KK

Speaking of filters... Has anyone else found their "new" post loss personality grinds up against their old friends? I honestly find this trauma has depleted my patience for bullshit and I can be pretty straight up with people about how I'm feeling, what I think and what I need. Don't get me wrong, I also have an abundance of empathy for people's struggles and hardships. Everyone has loses and pain and everyone has a right to feel it and work through it. But the shit people complain about or act like children about. Yeesh! For example I've had a few friends who have had to delay their weddings by between a few months all the way to next year. Most have been pretty good spirited about it but I have a couple that are lashing out like children and being vicious to people and bringing others down in attempt to cope. I mean, I get that you are working through the loss of your ideal wedding date but a) you will still have a wedding and b) you will still have a husband. You just have the wait. There's no need to be cruel to those around you about it.

Right?! We won the shittiest Lottery on the planet and yet somehow they find a way to be jealous of us? Like some people seem to get jealous of all the attention you get from it but frankly I could do without all the attention. I'd like a refund thanks 🙄

Oh 100% bittersweet is the right word. I really enjoy the weddings and be with my friends and seeing how in love they are but there's always that lingering tinge of pain it comes with the way my husband isn't sitting next to me enjoying all the fun. It's like really dark chocolate. Enjoyable but never quite sweet enough. Yes that caterer with the pulled pork poutine became my new best friend that night!

I feel like having lost my partner so young I see weddings very differently now. I think they're beautiful and yet they can be very hard. I love seeing my friends celebrate their love and yet I still have those moments when I'm sitting at the table with them and flashes of my husband's face cross my mind. I was doing really well this weekend. Despite having a semi strained relationship with the bride who was once one of my closest friends who's barely been a part of my life since my husband died. I did really well. I got through all the speeches about the groom's father being passed away and how important his ring was as I sat there spinning my own husband's ring on my right hand. So I was completely caught off guard when the s*** hit the fan. I have another friend who was at the wedding who was also one of my bridesmaids. As long as I've known her she's never really been in a relationship and I think she knows she needs to work on some of her own issues before she'll be happy in a serious relationship. She got very emotional during the speeches and mentioned how she realized she would never want a wedding like the one we were sitting at. In that moment I tried to empathize with her as I'm sure you're all familiar with loneliness as much as I am and I could see she was feeling lonely. I tried to be honest about how I wasn't sure I would do a wedding ever again if I did find love and before I could finish my thought she cut me off and said " because they'd always be second best." It completely caught me off guard and her next comment was 'yeah you heard me' and then she left. I had to get out of the room I went and had a good cry with one of my friends upstairs away from the wedding because I did not want this day to be about me but how could you not let something like that affect you when you're just doing everything not to melt down? We eventually talked later in the evening and through our discussion where she only said that her comment was 'kind of insensitive' she believes I've already had it and she's never had it and therefore I cannot relate to her. And then she said if I ever found it again before she did she'd be devastated. So yeah. That was my weekend. On the silver lining side of things the caterer that found me crying in the back hall brought me a pulled pork poutine because he thought it looked like I could use it. Got to try and focus on the positive right? FML

You will find strength you never knew you had through your grief and hit emotional walls and pits like a freight train. All normal. You are remarkable for taking all of that on in your grief. If you need to cry do. We're here for you ❤

It's so frustrating feeling like your friendships are just more collateral in your loss. I've been struggling the last few days with my friendships. One of my very closest friends sort of abandoned me after my husband died. About a year-and-a-half later she apologized and admitted to dropping the ball. I thought we were on the mend but recently found out she's having Christmas dinner with all of our close friends and I wasn't invited. Singles and couples alike. When I attempted to speak with one of our friends about it she became defensive and started to point out things like I hadn't always invited her to events in my weaker moments of grief. like when I had a small memorial on his birthday and I couldn't handle a lot of people being over. Like it's a scorekeeping game. I'm tired of feeling responsible for maintaining all my relationships when I needed people the most. I'm tired of having to explain the Christmas is a shity holiday that I struggle with and I would love to have the people I care about around me and that being excluded when you're single alone and widowed is the worst. sorry if this is rambly but I'm feeling kind of raw and this place is always a good outlet.

.

I actually met my late husband online. However I had to sift through a sea of duds before I found him. Years of ridiculous dates. Comical even. I am by no means an expert as I've only had one 'relationship' since my husband. It was only 3 months of dating but ending that was super hard and brought up a lot of grief because it was a disappointment and another ending. I guess what I'm trying to say is feeling super disappointed is pretty normal. You're going to be sensitive after what you've been through and the disappointment of something with potential not working out will feel worse. There are good people online. My husband was a testament to that. But you have to be patient and try not to set your expectations too high. I'm sorry you found one of the Duds. At least you found out early and you can get out now. Hugs.

It's kind of a double-edged sword isn't it? As widows with no kids we have the option to walk away if we want. We don't necessarily have that continuous tie of blood and yet sometimes it feels like the options taken away from us because of that fact. That illusion that we really only belonged because they were there. I've been invited to a wedding for next year. however I know I'm really only a sad reminder to them he's gone and I feel like sometimes they only invite me out of obligation. I'm happy some people are blessed with in-laws that support them and continue to be a balanced and healthy part of their lives. However I do truly believe that is the exception and not the norm when you don't have kids with your late husband.

I feel this fake reality sensation at 2 years too. Like getting recast in some sort of Truman Show where I play my part but it doesn't feel real. I get that.

I haven't given up and I won't but I'm tired of how much effort this is taking. Most of the major drama is gone. I've removed the toxic connections, I've settled the finances, I've done the grief work and I am trying so damn hard to rebuild. It all just takes so much effort. I try to do positive things like build new hobbies and spend time with friends but the lift from that often feels so temporary. I feel like I have to work extra hard to keep up with people and arrange to meet and do things. I get scared when my schedule becomes too light because I'm afraid of being alone. When I am alone some days I'm okay and other days I feel scared and empty. Finding purpose or meaning after death feels a bit like waving my arms around in the dark aimlessly. I don't have kids to focus on. I can do whatever I want but what I really want is not an option. I miss the sound board that my husband was and that automatic peace that came with him. I think I'm feeling a little lost again for some reason.

I did @brokenheart. I hid them a while ago. I was just saying it's unfortunate how much it hurts now that he's gone as they are good memories.

It's been over two years and I still can't touch his Facebook account. I made myself the legacy contact and downloaded it. I also locked it so no one can post on it. So it's a place people can go view his profile the way he had it. I'm still linked and his wife and I hate when Facebook sends reminders about his birthday or our anniversary so I hid those as well. These features are great for non wids but a real kick in the face for those of us with lost loved ones. Closing his credit cards and memberships was easier than Facebook. Maybe one day I'll be ready but these things seem to have their own time.

There's just about everything out there now. You are not alone. I had a guy message me that likes to dress up as Ariel from the Little Mermaid. He claimed he wasn't gay or bi and was not an 'real' cross dresser. He just REALLY likes dressing up as Ariel. He sent me pictures. Unprompted. Of his Ariel cosplay. At least they are being up front so we can decide right?

It's SO hard. Before the loss of my husband I remember I had such confidence. "Well I'd rather be alone than with someone and miserable." I think that line of thinking is what lead to my husband in the first place because I wouldn't settle for less. Yet now the grief monkey is in the room with me and he goes bananas anytime I choose to end something or risk another potential loss. Any chance I can return this monkey back to the zoo?

So my first relationship after my husband is officially over. It lasted all of 3 months but it was quite the Spitfire relationship. Lots of romance and intense feelings but like many Spitfires eventually you're just left with spit. The fact was I started to balance the scale and I was feeling more pain than Joy from being with this man. I was very grateful for the relationship and I feel like I've grown a lot and learned how to get back out there after such an immense loss. However today I'm feeling a great deal of doubt after ending things with this guy and I woke up this morning with familiar sharp chest pains that reminded me of the first few months after my husband died. Some of you might be able to relate to that sensation. It's like somebody's pulling your rib cage apart in the front and squeezing your heart till you can't breathe. It's been coming and going all day. I'm sad this new relationship is over because it had a lot of positive parts and this man was lovely but the fact is my needs weren't being met. and I found as time was going on I was feeling more frustration and anxiety than one should in a healthy relationship. And when we talked about these issues it became pretty clear they were things that were never going to change. And I still wish he was here right now. I hate feeling this loneliness again. This loss is nothing compared to the loss of my husband but I feel like I have such an aversion to loss now because I never want to feel like that again. But I suppose that's the risk of getting out there. I'm sad and in pain and questioning everything today. I seem to be hell-bent on beating myself up for not being able to make this work. I don't believe it's not because I was not ready. We genuinely had in reconcilable differences which we gave an honest shot but sometimes it's just not the right fit. Yeah that's still doesn't seem to be enough to stop the pain and the self-doubt. KK

Thank you for all of your thoughts. I agree that no one will ever replace my husband. And when I first started getting back out dating I caught myself doing it way too much and had to take a break. When I met this new guy I found I wasn't really doing that as much yet they're just the little flash moments. When this guy would do something that would remind me of my husband. Like a reflex almost. It definitely hasn't been driving my decision making. The only connection to my husband that is driving my decisions is my understanding of what healthy relationships and connections feel like. But I don't want the relationship I had with my husband. Those shoes are already filled. I actually just ended the relationship tonight with the new guy. part of me didn't want to let go of it because he's a wonderful person and in a lot of ways I've had fun with him and gotten a great deal out of it. but considering the short time we've been together there was just too much stress. At first I thought maybe it was me just working through my issues and dealing with some difficult anniversary dates but upon further reflection I realized it was because my needs aren't being met. That while this guy is a wonderful person there are genuine issues with us as a couple that likely can't be resolved. When we started out and it was more casual this wasn't an issue. But as people have said above it's not fair to stay when it gets more serious and you know the longevity just isn't there. So I'm spending the night eating ice cream sandwiches and watching Netflix. I think I can be happy on my own. I was before. and maybe I'll get back out there eventually. But Everyone's entitled to some ice cream after a breakup.

I'm not sure what I'm seeking with this post. Maybe I'm looking for advice. Or maybe I just need to rant. Maybe I'm hoping somebody will tell me I'm normal. This is the first relationship I've had since my husband passed away and I swear I'm losing some marbles. Every step we take makes me nervous. I catch myself comparing him to my late husband. I recognize that this new guy is maybe missing qualities I need for a serious long-term relationship. And I feel guilty just wanting to date and not be lonely once in awhile. I have a hard time going back to being casual about things when I was used to being in such a serious committed relationship with my marriage. I miss how easy things were with my husband. This relationship isn't easy. It comes with overthinking. It comes with worry and sometimes insecurity that I hate and it's just not me. Maybe this guy isn't good for me even though he's a lovely person. Or maybe I'm still working out the Kinks. Maybe I need to get over the fact I need this to get over the Kinks.

Year two can be harder than year one in lots of ways. It's so true that year one is confusion, survival and numbness is many ways. You're hurting but your brain protects you from just how much you are hurting because the full blown reality would probably kill you. Year two your gaining strength and so the brain goes "okay... time to deal with this". So you get to run the track all over again but this time with greater awareness, more sensation and more responsibility because the supports are dropping off and life is forcing you to continue. No more stalling. No more sitting. Year one was the broken leg with bed rest. Now you have to start walking on it and it hurts like hell. I do truly believe it does get easier. I feel different as the years pass but it is different or the 'new normal' that people constantly talk about. I get the impatience of wanting it to stop hurting because let's face it we've been through enough and deserve a break. I honestly wish there was a solution.

I feel the same way @BrokenHeart2. I miss the completeness that came with him. The security I felt no matter how hard things got. That I knew if things went south he'd be right beside me to ride out the storm. I knew him inside and out and he knew me for the good and bad yet there was love all the same. I don't have the same number of years with my husband that many others got but in the time we did have our history was rich. We lived every moment in the now. It's so great that so many of us got to have that and that also makes it tragic now that it's gone. I'm dating again... but it's nothing like what is being described here. I tell myself it's early days, that I'm just learning how to do this again and I cannot compare 4 years of intimacy with a new relationship. But my husband taught me something important: To know what an awesome relationship is so I won't settle for less. That the kind of love he gave me is real and possible and while it will never be the same as my time with him I can hope in the future that maybe I could meet someone that can love me in that worthwhile way again. I never stop missing him and it takes all my mental willpower to avoid falling into the comparison trap. Life is different. Knowing what awesome love feels like and not having it anymore is hard. But I push on.

It's more of a norm than it should be. Mine almost instantly cut me out. I still talk to the father's side but the divide gets bigger all the time. I used to joke in the early days you're only an in-law until your an outlaw. Weird part is I also have a crazy MIL and she still apperently calls out cat her grand kitty. I'm just glad she doesn't want visitation rights. Welcome to the shitty club of no kid wids. Extra serving of isolation. Hugs to you Kk

Fuck Google Assistant for sending me reminder pictures from two years ago. The therapist at the at the hospital in the ICU had recommended taking pictures of our hands together in case I wanted to see them again. I thought I'd prevented Google from uploading them into my photo collection but low and behold it found them. Talk about taking a mental baseball bat the the brain. FUUUUUUUCK!