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Jennica

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  1. Jennica

    My very own Widow Island

    How you described yourself and how you feel about life is what I hope and pray for! Thank you so much for sharing. Nowadays I come on here to look for inspiration and you gave me that today. Jennica
  2. It has been a bit since I have been on. It will be 3 years in August since my husband passed away. My kids and I are doing really good. I think I have come to terms with our new life and have finally accepted the fact that he is no longer with us. Now I find it rather hard to accept the single label. I don't know if it is weird or not. I feel that when someone asks if I am married I need to explain why I am not. It bothers me that I feel this way. I went to my sons 5th grade camp recently and on the second day a mom started asking me questions. Then she asked if I was married. Instead of just saying no and leaving it no I feel the need to explain. So I respond no, I am a widow, my husband passed away 3 years ago. Instantly I am so annoyed with myself. Why do I feel the need to explain. Why do I care? Its as if I think I will be looked at in a way that puts me beneath them and that feeling bothers the crap out of me. Then of course it becomes awkward and they say I'm sorry for your loss. The whole thing just annoys me. Ugh, the rest of camp I thought about if she was telling others. Is this strange? When do you stop saying your a widow? Am I always going to refer to myself as a widow? I don't want to but it just comes out of my mouth before I can stop myself.
  3. Jennica

    Thanks Grieving.........

    RAM, I am right there with you. I do not like to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas with my in-laws. It is just too much of a reminder and saddening to be there without him. I have been skipping those holidays. I know it’s not fair to the kids. The family has changed so much since he has past.
  4. Jennica

    Teachers

    Have a great year! I go back Wednesday.
  5. Hi Gem, This was my second Christmas without my husband. I don't know if I can ever go back to doing the same Christmas again, way too hard. I found my self needing to do something different. The first Christmas, the kids and I went to a hotel near by. The kids had fun swimming, we just kept busy. Second one we did a vacation, it didn't even feel like Christmas. That has worked for me. I am tired of being sad and have decided I am the only one that can improve our situation. These things kept my mind busy which made me able to get through the holidays. It's very hard to move forward, there are so many emotions with all of this. I think keeping your mind occupied will help.
  6. Jennica

    Social Security

    Thank you for this. This information is so helpful!!! Jennica
  7. Beautiful! Sometimes I feel so blessed when I come to this site and find something I didn't even know I needed.
  8. Jennica

    Confessions of a widow

    KrypticKat, so do I. Not really celebrities but peopleI just make up in my head. I don't like to fantasize about my husband because that will never happen again. I figure that wouldn't help my mental state either. But like you said the other could happen.
  9. Jennica

    Social Security

    This will be my first year having to fill out this information. I have been surfing the web and couldn't really find what I wanted. I found some info here. I thought others might want to read it too. I was happy to have found this. I have not made up a spreadsheet or anything though. Input on anything else would be great. Serpico mentioned that someone stated to mark that nothing had been saved, is this right? My goal has been to try and save for them for college. I have only been able to here and there but ultimately that is my goal.
  10. Eug, you have no idea how much I needed that tonight. Thank you
  11. Lately I have been feeling like was he ever here, did I make him up.? Is that not weird.? It’s like a dream, some memories are foggy or so far in the distance that I am having a hard time remembering what it was like when he lived here with us. I don’t know what has been going on lately, I have been a bit more emotional than usual. It could be the holidays approaching or that I’m tired. I don’t really know. It’s been 15 months. I have been feeling stuck for a bit. I have been trying to figure out why. I think it has to do with not letting go of the past. It’s safe here. I don’t have to leave my bubble or move on. If I stay were I am then I really can’t leave him. If I move forward then I am living a life without him. I’m struggling with this part. I think I have more grieving to do. I have not accepted that part yet, the living without him. I know I’m a bit all over the place. I just needed a spot to get my thoughts out. Jennica
  12. I'm at 15 months. I've found myself thinking about him more lately and have been a bit more emotional than normal. I think the time of year gets hard though with the holidays. Plus I've found out that colder months I tend to get less sleep. He always did so much during the winter - stock piling wood, working with the wood burner, etc...it gets tiring. I still think, is this it? I'm always going to have this sadnesses during this life. Like there is just this lingering shadow over me I am never going to shake.
  13. Jennica

    I need to be more vulnerable - update

    Also agree, very quiet. I used to come on every night right before I went to bed to read posts and to feel a bit normal I guess. I have to say, I haven't been jumping on because nothing new has really popped up. I too hold a lot in. I don't think my family wants to hear how lonely I am or that I MISS my husband so very much. Plus I don't want my parents to worry about me or the kids. I do tend to push my feelings down and just push through. Today, however, I had a good cry. I was playing with my almost 2 year old and she was laughing up a storm, so was I. Then i just started balling because my husband is missing this moment. Of course, I cut my good cry short because my 12 and 9 year old could walk in and ugh, just don't want them to see me like that. Thanks for starting this post Maureen. Prayers for you and your job search. Jennica
  14. Jennica

    What does the future hold

    Mizpah Loved reading your post. Things like that perk me up a bit and put a smile on my face. So glad you shared.
  15. Lately I have been wishing I was 3, 4, 5 years out from losing my husband. Maybe then I would know where life will take us. I personally seek out those that post about these times because I want to see if I can read a glimpse into the future. I am a little over a year out and feel like I'm at a stand still. I still feel like I can't believe my husband is gone but I am not balling my eyes out every day. We are still living in the same house. People have said wait a year and then decide if you want to move. I don't have a clue. I don't know what to do. I don't want to make a move I will regret or put me in a financial hardship. So I just wait. Life is just blah mostly. My kids are doing great, I spend time with my family (I enjoy their company). I wish I was really living though. When my husband was here, life was fun, I looked forward to spending the weekends together. When the weekends get here now well, it's just okay, maybe I can sleep in till 8 but that's nothing really to look forward to. So I'm just waiting.

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