hachi

The running was a bad idea for me, :-[ too cold and not really ready for it, I guess. Suffering with shin splints. Need a new pair of shoes. Going to try my class tonight, but it will definitely have to be low impact, if at all

NH here, a bit further up on the Appalachian Range-but WV is definitely on my list of places to visit and I would make my way down there somehow. This summer, I shot the wad on one trip that I have been planning for quite some time, but I am hoping to be like Nuggets when I grow up and just travel for the rest of my life!!!!! I am a mountain girl at heart and really love the places that you can only get by walking.

Well, I did it. I can't say I really enjoyed it. Enjoy that is is over LOL]. But according to my phone, i did 2.76 miles. I am pretty sure I ran all of the .76 but mostly "run to the next mailbox" but I did run the last .10 It was way colder than I expected it to be, only 22 and very windy. Making myself drink a bottle of water before I enjoy my coffee.

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him Horatio

Boot camp and Zumba class this morning. Going to attempt my first "run" tomorrow morning. I have never been a runner and at 55 I am not sure this a good time to start, but the winter has me crazy and I have to get out of this house.

Hachi was my board name on YWBB, and was the nickname of a Japanese Akita - Hachiko- some thing about lucky eight - I think, anyway this dog was famous for his loyalty to his owner, waiting for him at the train station everyday, even after the man died. He became kind of a national symbol in Japan. There was a movie about it. I sort of felt like that dog, waiting for him to come back. It's a little ridiculous, I guess I always knew he was never coming back, but my heart just didn't get it. I don't feel that way much, now. But eight is supposed to be a lucky number in Japan, so I keep the name...

Seat of your pants (says she who will be doing guided tours shortly) Equinox or Solstice? (time of year not SUV's LOL)

For me, this is nothing new. I lost my entire home to fire in 2007. While the kids felt the loss much more acutely, my husband and I always lived mostly in our skin and were content, to a point, with the memories we had made. The few pictures we were able to save really didn't touch the story of the life we had built together. We spoke in depth, and often, to the kids about the adventures we had, both before they were born, and then with them. Some of it, they remember. But the stories they heard, they often repeat to me. In the first weeks and months after his death, I posted frequently on the Widowed too Young (W2Y) site, until it's demise just before the one year anniversary. No notice, no opportunity to save anything. No way to reach out to anyone we hadn't met or exchanged private emails with. I mourned the loss of my "journal" and felt quite lost when I made my way to YWBB. With the demise of the YWBB, I was so relieved to have the few short weeks to collect the pearls of what I had read over the tenure I had there and to just let the rest go. Yes, I feel sad that so much was lost, but I do feel that the important stuff is within us all. And it will come out here. Sometimes, a clean slate is not a bad thing. Just my $.02

Bolt cutters or grinder, if the chain is hefty. Wear safety glasses. I have no desire to learn to use a welder either! LOL It's way past the line I drew at chainsaws. Truth be told, the grinder is a bit outside my comfort zone, but that is because the safety shield is missing and I am always afraid I am going to chop my fingers off.

I recently had one of those dark nights that really brought me back to day one. Involving frozen pipes and toilets, flooding basement and being alone, cold and miserable. In the morning when I was able to get a plumber to answer his phone and agree to come out on Saturday morning, things looked remarkably better, but that feeling of aloneness, that it is just ALL up to you is just devastating, no matter how you look at it. I really feel your pain. Glad you were able to work it out, but sorry we just keep having these meltdowns.

This is where I am most days in my relationship. I have been responding to this thread for days now and deleting my responses because I could not find a way to say this. I am glad this is where you ended up. We may both look back some day and see this differently, but I don't think being grateful in the moment is a bad thing.

Managing expectations has, by far, been the most difficult part of my relationship with new guy. He has plain out told me that he is a "simple guy" and if I need something, I have to ask. On the surface, it sounds reasonable, but our hearts are anything but reasonable. I, plain and simple, don't want to ask. If I expect this relationship to work, I have to ask. Can I learn? Maybe, I am trying. But part of me feels like, if I have to ask, somehow, the deed isn't worth as much. Not really coming from a place of wanting to cherish and care for me. But I own that, not him. I am trying to be more direct, and so far, when I am, I get what I need. But I am also learning that for him, it is more like a check list, and once it is checked, that's it. So I might have to ask again. And again... sigh

The days leading up to 365 were just brutal. 365 was just bad. Could have been worse. Could have been better, but for many reasons. Specifically relating to my own grief, it was a little bit of a relief to have that day end. So 366, in that sense, was a better day. Navigating through the next year will have it's own different challenges, but surprising, one day, you will have an anniversary of a good day. I don't think I am alone in looking forward to the day when I stop counting the months, weeks, days. I sincerely hope to want to read a book again someday. It used to be one of my greatest joys. Hang in there, one thing we do know is that we will survive this.

Speaking was impossible for my DH in the last days. We held hands through the last night and it was very peaceful. I slept lightly, and administered his pain medication every few hours, the next day, it was very quiet. His breathing was ragged and I don't think he could actually see anymore, but I know he could hear the hummingbirds outside the window and feel the summer breeze across his face. I never left his side for more than a few seconds until late that evening. I put my arms around his shoulders, being ever so careful not to touch his arm - broken from a tumor just below his shoulder. I whispered to him..."you know, Darling, DD will be here in a few minutes....." They had already said their goodbyes, though. And I got up get some water. As I turned away from him, I heard his last breath. My daughter and son-in-law were literally pulling in the drive. My son was on his way. His brother was already there. I unwrapped his arm and took the temporary cast off, and threw it aside, climbed into the hospital bed and finally held him, without hurting him. Something I hadn't been able to do in a long time. I stayed there until I could feel his warmth slipping away. I wasn't surprised that he left before she came in the door. I sort of think it was their deal and he wanted to honor that, as much as he did not want to leave us. But I had already told him he could go. Not good bye, but "Fare well, my love"

We are talking about motorcycles!

Started Zumba at Christmastime, I have been doing three classes a week most weeks. I added a "boot camp" class on Saturdays last month. Now just have to add the part about backing away from the table a little sooner! Feeling a lot stronger and sleeping better. Zumba is quite a hoot for me, I can't dance and get it wrong all of the time, but the ladies are very nice and encouraging and the hour flies by. All the real dedicated women have fit bits so they tell us how many steps and calories. Usually 6K steps and 360 calories, but I figure every time I do a leg lift I am lifting twice what they are so maybe I am burning more? Ha ha . Just want the scale moving in the right direction. Would love to get back to my fighting weight, but that would just be an added perk.

I will check it out!

There must be nice rides on Long Island too! Right?

So, okay there is still 2 feet of snow on the ground up here, but it is never to early to dream or plan right? Anyone up for a biker bago - NorthEast? NH is beautiful, but so is NY, Vermont, Western MA, Coastal Maine....all great places to take a long and winding drive. Something to think about for this summer anyway.

Don't give up Rob, maybe it should be an every other year thing. I so wanted to come last year, but just couldn't manage it. This year I am blowing ALL my vacation time on one trip. But next year, I would definitely love to make my way out to the happiest place in the US!

I am no expert. No online dating for me, but I sort of liked the last choice. State your interest and ask the question. But then again, I was always a direct sort of girl.. Good luck

words to live by.... I wish I had more courage

I lost my DH to esophageal cancer 2 years after diagnosis. Though I did not consider myself an "extreme" caregiver, the last few months were pretty difficult. Telling the kids he didn't want any more treatment. Planning a quick wedding as my daughter and husband were determined he would walk her down the aisle. He did, but that was really about it. A couple of weeks later he broke his arm, as the cancer had moved into his bones. He wanted to be in our mountain home, and we were able to make it happen with the help of great friends and family, but it was not easy. I still go there, but it is so different now, even though his mark is everywhere. We always meant to name it "The next stop is Heaven". How little did we know.

Early days and 80's hair... Daughter feelin' badass with Dad Before we knew we were mortals... One of his last good days. My absolute favorite of him...

Exit the Firefighters canadiangirl A little while back there was a good article in the NYTimes called "the Art of Presence" which related one family's tragedies and how their friends supported them through it. That family felt that the response took two forms: the firefighters, who dropped everything in the crisis and problem-solved at the time, and the builders, who were there quietly before and after, and who continued to help long after the crisis had passed. Both were very valuable. The firefighters have left the building. I knew it would happen, 3 months out, but they have gone. It's funny how, almost without exception, my oldest and previously closest friends have been in and out occasionally but other friends have had the longevity and staying power, and have become my closest friends as a result. It has been humbling to see these people act with complete dignity, respect and love. I felt loved by all of them, but I miss the firefighters. I am so grateful for the builders. Support is dwindling away, and it is so natural, so expected, especially because I do not always respond right away to emails and offers, but I miss it. Probably most of all because it means that the crisis has passed, and I have to pick up the pieces, and I am just not ready. The fire still burns in my heart. _________________________ southernsoul This really resonated with me, perhaps especially because my husband died in a fire 7 weeks ago today. It's still very early days for me, but I know to expect some changes over the next however long in who sticks around for the long haul. I am so grateful for the wonderful family & friends I am blessed with. No matter how it all shakes out over the long run, I have appreciated the support & love I've received from all of them. I hope that when it begins dwindling away I will be strong enough to carry on, but I'm not sure if that's the same as being "ready" to do so. Hugs to you, canadiangirl! _________________________ hikermom That is a perfect metaphor to what has happened to so many of us. In the early days people gather in response to the crisis but really, for them, the fire burns itself out quickly. Little do they know how long it smolders in our hearts and souls. So glad you have some builders around you. The saying of rewriting your address book is very true - widowhood really does separate the wheat from the chaff in our life. (Could I really spew any more metaphors???) I did find that even after 3 months, it helped people if I were really clear in asking for what I needed. Honestly, in the first 3 months people asked me what I needed and I had no idea. I was completely lost and could not see my way through the fog of grief to even know what I needed. Ironically, it is as we are emerging from that fog and can actually see what we need that people start disappearing. I got very concrete. Winter was approaching and I needed help with wood splitting and stacking, putting the gardens to bed, raking leaves, etc. My husband's work had asked what I needed right after he died so this is when I called in the chips. I organized a work party and about 20 people from his office came to do everything. All I did was cook lunch for them and supervise. Any time you can clearly identify a need, put someone on it. They will stick around for another 3 - 6 months (maybe) but only if you are clear about your needs. I'm so sorry you found yourself in the position of needing this board but glad you did find us. _________________________ hachi Wow! This hit me very close to my heart. In 2007 my family lost our home in a fire. At the time it was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to me. And the first time in our marriage that my husband was not sure of what to do. To take the analogy one step further, 7 years later, the builders are long gone, the new house is beautiful. And life has gone on with new challenges. The firefighter and builders are still out there, doing what they do in the community. I see them occasionally, and still feel grateful. But every now and then, I am wistful about the old house. I miss it's uniqueness, it's quirks, and mostly, the experiences that we shared there. I wonder if years from now, the analogy will hold true, and I will only be wistful, instead of heartbroken... _________________________ canadiangirl Southernsoul- There are no words. Thank you for responding - I so hope that while trying to articulate some challenges, my choice of words and subject did not unintentionally cause you pain. Hugs right back! hikermom -Great advice, thank you. I think I am being clear and yet people are not always picking up on it, so I will keep trying. I loved your recent piece about where you are now, and also the e.e.cummings signature. hachi- You are a brave person -thank you for taking the analogy further in a beautiful way, it really helps me to know you and the others above "get it". _________________________ B_wife I remember reading this NY times article and totally relating to it. I'm a bit over 19 months out and I've let a lot of previously close friends go but have made new friends who I think will stick around. My own father 'left me alone' because he didn't want to bother me - I haven't seen him since my husbands funeral in July 2012 and I don't care to even try to repair that relationship when he left me stranded. Ironically, his wife (my stepmother) was widowed in her 40s so the fact that she never encouraged him to simply be 'present' for me makes it sting even worse. Enough about me... What I wanted to say is that it is completely normal for this to happen. Most people can't deal with death and that's great for them, until they go through it. This experience has hardened me -- and that's both good and bad. I try to empathize with other people's tragedies but for those people who abandoned me when I most needed them, I will not forgive. Sorry, life is too short and there are people around who will be there for you. oh, one more group of people that they left out of the article -- the rubberneckers. Those people who stare at your tragedy as it's happening yet don't step in to put out the fire.