hachi

in a nutshell

Hello Gemma, Welcome to Widda and to the club that no one wants to join. This place is full of tips, and ideas, but ultimately everyone is different. You will surely find someone here you can relate to, perhaps on the same timeline as you, perhaps a little further along. For now, just know you are not alone, and that you will wake up everyday and move forward in some way. Sometimes it will be a great victory that you could take a shower and walk to the mailbox. Just be kind to yourself, try to stay hydrated and if someone wants to help you, try to let them.

I sort of disagree about feelings. I think feelings are what they are. Understanding your feelings and acting according to that understanding about yourself and others is a whole other story. I have had similar feelings when NG is busy and doesn't always let me know what his schedule is. I worry (his work can be dangerous) and I feel a little taken for granted that I am waiting around. We have talked about this, and he is a little better about letting me know if he is going to be later than expected.This goes a long way in me "feeling" that my time has value. But we wouldn't have gotten here if we hadn't explored the feelings. He called, presumably as soon as he woke up and realized what happened. And you said you knew how tired he was. Seems straightforward. I don't think it warrants a deep heart to heart, but if you tell him how you felt in the hours you were waiting, well, maybe next time, the expectations would be set a little different. "I'm going to shower, but I am tired. Let me call you after and if I feel like I need to lay down, maybe we should try for a different night..." Something like that. Not expressing feelings in a contructive way can lead to resentment, and resentment is the ultimate relationship killer.

I think I might be outside the bell curve. It will be seven years, and while I don't outwardly flinch anymore, in my head, I can't believe he isn't sitting on the deck waiting for me to arrive just in time for the sunset. I keep thinking that someday, I will just smile at the memory, instead of suppressing the gut punch I still feel.

Fuck joy snatchers and their inability to be happy for people when good things happen to them.

Helen, It is so wonderful to hear from you! I was actually thinking about you not so long ago when a bunch of us got together! I am so uplifted by your post and my main question is this? Is Muck big enough for a BAGO?!? 1. Hearing a wonderful update from Helen 2. Yes, sun, finally! 3. My cherry tree has bloomed for the first time since it was planted. So pretty

I could see if you had spent a few sessions with him and he noticed that seeing these things was upsetting to you, but sometimes people have set ideas about how to handle grief, and everyones path is so different. You have to find out for yourself what is helpful and what harms you. A therapist should be a guide, not a director. I am glad he helped you with other things, and I suppose his reaction was reasonable when he suggested soemthing different, but in my mind, he was still suggesting you take steps that you don't seem ready to take.

This is a perfectly fine solution. I echo everyone else's sentiment. I am not sure what kind of therapist would argue that memores are not a good thing. Sounds a bit pushy and out of line to me. Is this your first visit with the therapist? I am not sure I would invest much time in someone who would shut me down like that...

Hi Melissa, I am not a lawyer, but not everything has to be probated. It really depends on the laws of the state and the form of ownership of the house. If you owned the house jointly, with rights of survivorship then the house passes to you outside of probate, as does insurance policies. Probate would come into play if your name is not on the deed of the property. I am sorry you have to go through this. If the estate is large, or there is substantial debt, you may want to consult a lawyer.

This will be fun!

Thanks again, L2F, for hosting. You have a lovely and interesting home. Everything about this weekend was wonderful. XO

Hi Melissa, i am sorry that you have to face this decision. Yes, everyone is different. For me, after being an extreme caregiver, I could not just bump around an empty house. I went back to work immediately, but I had a job with a private office, and honestly had days where the door was closed and I just stared at the computer. I think it was the right choice for me, but you know yourself better than anyone else. I know many who stopped working and ended up even changing careers entirely. I am glad you found us, this site has been a great place of friendship, advice and support. Marie

I feel this way as well. It is as though I just can't go there because I believe that if do, I will never stop weeping.

One of the reasons I ever thought to join a widow/widower forum was because as an extreme caregiver, I found a site called healingwell.com pretty helpful. Even there, though, I was in a different mode from most people, who were living with chronic illness. There were a couple of forums for caregivers, though. Ironically, the group that was most helpful to me were people dealing with liver disease and my DH's issue was esophogeal cancer. I just happend to connect with them. So i guess, help is just where you find it.

I have a tent! LOL

Last weekend in march no good for me. Other dates good...

Same old Valentines day for me, never cared alot about it. DH wasn't much in the Hallmark holiday department, so I never had great expectations of the day. My birthday is the day before so that made it a little worse. This year NG had knee surgery on the 12th so I was prepared for both days to be even more mediocre than ever, but NG suprised me by getting me a card and a gift ahead of time! Then we watched Lady and the Tramp! OK, sounds lame as I write it, but it was cute and fun and a nice way to spend my birthday.

powbesh, 7 lbs for a small person is alot. That being said, this will probably not continue. Loss of apetite is totally normal, but your body will not put up with it for long. It is early days for you, and you are drowning in wave after wave and struggling for a breath right now. The best thing to do is to not panic, and just try to save your strength so you can breath when you get the chance. Listen to your body, and try not to be so hard on yourself. Drink water. Not alcohol. When you have the energy to get clean, take a bath. If you can eat, eat. If you can't, and you feel weak, drink some supplemental type drinks. If your feelings change from apathy to active thoughts of hurting yourself, please seek help. Otherwise, these feelings are normal. It may be some time before you actually enjoy a meal. But you will. I promise.

Gracelet! I was just thinking of you the other day, and wondering how you were doing. I missed hearing about your adventures. So happy for you, YES, this is a really big deal!

Another Unique and Devastating Loss, indeed... My heart goes out to you Bluebird, and to all who loved this man.

Powbesh, going out of the house is very difficult. It does seem like going through the motions of a living person, but YOU ARE a living person. There is a huge difference between not caring whether you wake up or not in the morning, and actively taking steps NOT to wake up. I know for a very long time (or so it seemed then) that I could have happily died in my sleep and been okay with that. I am not sure that what you are talking about is the same thing, and I agree with tybec. Please get help with the medications. There are certainly things that can take the edge off, but you should be under the care of a professional for them. Peace, Marie

Well, I am sorry to say that my week is not going the way I had planned it. I am flying out really early on Sunday to see my88 yr old dad. Was hoping to squeeze in this much needed bago, but I now have to go to TX for work from FL so I won't be home for a week and my refridgerator just $h1t the bed so my day tomorrow is a little complicated now.... sigh... 3rd world problems, I know. So sorry I wont be there in person to hug you all. I'll be there in spirit. XO Marie

My screen name is Hachi, after the dog in Japan who waited at the train station for his owner for the rest of his life. My dog Nico still looks for my DH in the woods up north and gets confused when his brother come by. I think they must have similar scent. He only does it if he hasn't been around for a while. If I see him more often, he knows its not him. I personally don't think they forget.

I am going to try to come, but I have a very early flight in the AM so may not be possible, I will let you know as we get closer. Thanks for doing this Maureen!

Where do I begin? Thank you Loves2fish for opening your home to the widda invasion. Your NG is lovely and we felt most welcome. Thank you to MrDrew for letting me boss you around in the kitchen. Thank you Captain'swife for the "secret ingredient" and to Maureen for continuing to be one of the most genuinely kind people I have ever met. It was great to see you all and a special pleasure to get to spend time with each of you individually over different times in the weekend. Something you don't always get to do in a large afternoon or evening gathering. This was really special. Nice to meet some new faces, and missed some of the regulars... you know who you are!