hachi

Oh yeah, you do! So do I, problem is, the more I check off, the more I add. It is getting longer, not shorter!

Yep... sigh.... Sometimes I see those posts and wonder who that person was...

This is such an important post. The reality that in our chapter 2, one of us will find ourselves alone again is an overwhelming thought on it's own. I try to remember in my daily life with NG, to live fully present, love easily, and to only think about the important things. I want no regrets. My gut says it will be me again, but I choose to worry about that later. As Maureen has stated, the 2 experiences were nothing alike for her. And in my own experience, knowing it would be me did not help me in being prepared for him to be dead, no matter how much I "pre-grieved". Quite simply, for me, there is no other choice. I must live with love in my life for as long as I can, because to live without is not a life for me.

5 years, I still feel this way. In the first year, I also met someone. I wasn't sure it would last. I didn't know how to reconcile my love for my husband and my feeling for my new guy. It took some time. Now I am thankful. For the connections. For being able to love. Feel. Trust. I will never stop loving my DH. I will love him until there is no me. But fortunately our hearts are amazing organs with unlimited capacity to love. It feels really good to love.

So, I continue on with the calendar of the heart. Fathers day is tomorrow. The year he died, i am not sure we noticed Father's day. I know for sure that on June 16th, he broke his arm lifting a bottle of anti-freeze for the tractor he wanted to sell before he died. Today, I was taking my parents out to lunch and was going to pick up my best friend, but she needed a few minutes so I took them to the cemetery where I had bought a small plot for the military stone I had ordered. A peaceful little area of the town cemetery where he never asked to be buried. But he was proud of his military service and I felt that his passing should be marked, whether or not his remains were there. Anyway. I had no idea that the stone had been delivered and placed. Probably in time for memorial day. But it took my breath away to see it. It will be five years on July 6th. I wanted the stone placed by then. I wasn't really sure it would happen. So seeing it today was a myriad of feelings. Relief. Sadness. Pride. And a profound emptiness. My life is full these days. Really full. But the part of my life that was so completely half of a couple is empty. It is no more. And the emptiness echos in a sacred part of my soul that will forever and always belong to Craig.

Me!

I find it easier to refer to myself as "having been widowed" as an event. I never refer to myself as a widow. As life changing as that event was, and can still be at 5 years, it is not the sum of who I am anymore and I never liked the label from day one. I struggled with the facebook status and just removed it altogether, very early on. All in all, armeal, just being you is good thing. From my perspective, anyway. You've got this.

Ugh, that would make me a little crazy. My brother's girlfriend told me that my DH came to her in a dream when I had not had one. single. dream. with him in it. Boy did that tick me off.

Interesting article, my take-away is that it will always be a mixed bag. "If casual sexual activity doesn’t violate your moral code, your sense of integrity, or the commitments you have made to yourself and/or others, then it’s probably not going to be a problem for you in terms of your psychological wellbeing. That said, you may face related issues like STDs, unwanted pregnancy, partners who see your relationship as more than just casual, etc. And you should understand that these related factors could adversely affect your psychological wellbeing even if the sex itself does not. Conversely, if you are by nature or upbringing socially and/or sexually conservative, or you have a strict religious belief system, or you tend to attach emotionally to anyone with whom you are physically intimate (regardless of whether the other person reciprocates), then casual sex may well cause you to experience shame, depression, lowered self-esteem and the like. This may be especially true if you engage in casual sex for “non-autonomous” reasons like getting drunk, seeking revenge, trying to fit in, etc" For me, the part in bold caused me some issues for a while. Not shame or lowered self esteem, but more along the lines of confusion and doubt. While my relationship is committed and healthy, going into it with unclear expectations, thinking it could be casual, in the end did not work for me and caused me a lot of internal conflict until I was really ready to be in that committed relationship.

Yes, or "at least" anything!

I see two very separate things going on here. The support you are getting from your late fiances family is encouraging, and the fact that they view you as family is wonderful. What your mom is saying is correct, by definition, you would not be afforded any legal rights. It doesn't make your loss any less than if he had been taken from you a few weeks later. It is certainly significant and life-changing for you. If she is trying to minimize your loss, well, maybe that is the real issue. By pointing it out repeatedly, when you have made it clear that it hurts you, seems, well, hurtful. I sincerely hope that she is supportive of you in every other way. I tend to agree with Portside. Labels do mean something. My brother has a life partner who he is not, and for their own reasons, never will be married to. I view them as life partners. I do not like to refer to her as my sister-in-law because she isn't related to me by law. But I would never make a big deal out of it and say to her that her relationship is less than a marriage. It just is what it is. For what it is worth, in the beginning it is hard not to define yourself as a widow/widower because your whole world is upended by this set of events. For me, at 5 years, I now say that I "was widowed" instead of "am a widow". It is still a significant part of who I am, but I am so much more now than a widow although who I am is forever changed because I was widowed. I hope that makes some kind of sense. I am very sorry you are going through such pain and hope you will continue to be comforted by your extended family.

creeps up on you. Sometimes you know it is coming. Other times it catches you unawares. I stopped counting the weeks, months and years some time ago, but the anniversaries have a way of making you deal with them. 5 years ago, my DH walked my daughter down the aisle. It was a day he was holding out for. A loose end he was tying up before he left us. It has been a sad day for me. The marriage met its demise this year and although it is truly for the best for both of them, it is hard to think about the hope of that day and the reality of our lives now. I wonder what my DH would think of it all. Ex SIL is a great guy, just not the guy for DD. I will be forever thankful he and his family came into our lives when they did. They were a soft place to land for a time. We are all trying to stay friends, and that has it's own awkwardness. The next few weeks will bring to mind the rapid decline and reality that life ends. Sometimes on our own terms, and certainly in Craig's case, he was where he wanted to be at the end and I am thankful for that. I have seen others struggle with the inevitability of death since then, and am always struck with the stoicism and grace he had. Clarity. God, I miss the certainty he had always. I miss him. I am here, in this place in the mountains he built for us. It is easy and hard to be here. I feel him. But I feel the emptiness of his absence as well. It is easy to speak of him here. Friends share memories without the struggle that they seem to have at home. Not sure why that is, but maybe because life is just a little harder up here. Anyway, rambling. Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be.

Will try to make this but not sure at this point. Hiking the prezzies for a few days that week, and plans were to head up on Sunday, but that could change....

Maureen, I don't think this is odd from the perspective you have, and I am inclined to agree with the sentiment. I have saved some things in the hopes that one day, someone might read and treasure them. I can't share them now, but NG is not a widower and though he accepts that I have a never ending love for DH, his is not exactly inclined to read over our old writings. riff, we are forever changed, no doubt about that. Feel you, man. No comment about the cute tush!

Well, I hate to be a debby downer, but I don't suppose we are polyamorous unless we think we could be in a committed relationship with our NG and our DH at the same time, while they are both living LOL and with their full cooperation and buy in. I can imagine alot, but I can't imagine that! :-[

Yep

While my husband had an unusual request about what to do with his cremains, and it could have been a little bit of a family joke, I did accommodate this. It went a little bit wrong though, and we ended up having more than "half of him" left over. I knew I wanted to take some of him with me to Croatia, which was to be our next trip together. There are other places, I don't know if I will get there. But I am not in any hurry. I have an interesting container and it sits on a table in our upstairs hallway. I walk by it all of the time and notice it's presence, but it is not in the main living area or my bedroom. Both of the kids have a little mini-urn and one wants to take him to Alaska, the other Scotland. His brother also had one, but we traveled together to Canada about a year after and left them at their mothers grave. I sometimes ponder the oddity of him being in so many different places, but I also ponder the oddity that he once existed, and now he isn't here. It's all I can do. To answer your question, I would never say never. If you are at all in doubt, what is the harm in leaving them right where they are until you know?

My experience was similar to Trying and Mizpah in that it may have been too soon. While things have worked out, it presented its challenges. I was forever changed when my DH passed away. NG wanted a relationship too soon. He wore me down, although I did not feel I had enough to give him. I tried to be completely honest with him, but what I didn't realize was that it would take me a long time to be "all in". I had a bit of a fatalistic attitude and didn't think I was risking anything because, after all "nothing is forever". Well, I did find out that is not true. My love for DH is forever, but now my love for NG is also. It just took a long time to get there. I held him at arms length for a long time. He is a pretty special guy, though and was prepared to wait it out.

Reliving the last days was unbearable at first. I think I was in shock for about 6 months before my mind would really let me "go there" and remember everything. Self preservation. So of course the first anniversary was probably the worst. Finding this group helped me quite a bit, especially meeting the people on my timeline. Hopefully you will find the same here. Others words will inspire you, and help you to feel that you are not alone. I spent a lot of time here at first, and recently find myself back as the 5th anniversary of his death approaches. It has been easier in some ways, harder in others. So like maddalena, I still think about him and remember him always. "It" ... not so much.

I believe my answer would be 'because that is the essence of kindness - caring more about others than oneself'. Of course it has its limitations, but I wish it was practiced more in this world. This is, of course, how I justified never calling out someones behavior when it happened. What I have learned is that it is also unkind to let someone believe that something is okay when it actually isn't. I do still let a lot go. But now, if something is going to really bother me, I just try to clear it up. It is better than having to let go of resentment.

I would just ask him. But I am pretty direct, generally and do not waste time trying to read peoples minds anymore. If I have a feeling that I was not wanted there, as you seem to, I would want to know why. And if my feelings were hurt, I would say so. I tend to accept the answers I get to these questions more easily and let it go, but it helps me immensely to understand and live the reality that my feelings are just as important as anyone else's. In the past, I would tend to care more about other people's feeling than my own, but I finally asked myself, "why do I think it is okay for my feelings to be hurt?"

Hi Nonesuch, I too feel that "I'm sorry" is so inadequate. I can relate to your fear. Where did we find the strength the first time?

Hi Mimi, I can't remember if it was you or not that once said to me "oh you just ran into a little corner of your mind that didn't know he was gone yet" but for me that seemed like a perfect explanation when feelings or dreams emerge unexpectedly. Good to see you back here. The 5 year club....

I had an interesting conversation this morning with a cemetery caretaker about the oddities that she has seen over the years as a custodian. Family plots with more than one spouse are more common than you might think, and people completely unrelated to the family as well. Personally, I don't think my husbands or my remains will ultimately reside there. It is more of a place to mark our existence. I have offered NG (albeit a bit tongue-in-cheek) a spot there as well if he wanted. He's keeping his options open. I have told my children that if they choose to, they can bury my remains there if it is a place they would be inclined to visit. If not, well, disperse me and the rest of my DH's remains someplace beautiful and leave it at that. I do think it is the kind thing to do to take care of your details ahead of time, and in writing.

shoveling snow (I know, I'm weird) ereader or real book?