hachi

Unique and Devastating Loss (by WifeLess) With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other, partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with. But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned. Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future. And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past. And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone. Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.

I remember the letter that wifeless wrote years ago. It was brilliant. I'm sure someone must have it.

How wonderful Mrs. Dan! Congratulations!

Today would have been our 37th anniversary. My 10th one without him. Twitchy is a good word to describe how it still feels.

I feel this way. I do have a couple of rare friends that seem to understand that this is something that will never change. There will always be these moments when you think to yourself "he should be here". I am glad we have this place again to say these things without people wondering what is wrong with us!

I do believe that if it is at all possible that she would be happy for you. Her pain is over and she would find joy in your happiness.

Never thought I would see those again!

Bumping an old thread that I loved, so it is now the ten year club. His name is Craig! Did get to hear some new stories in the last few weeks, it was so nice...

Yes, Thank you Lewis!

So happy this site is back up and running, THANK YOU Lewis, Maureen, I saw you had a mini bago! Are you in NY or VT or somewhere closer to me?!?!? Maybe ?!?!!.... Hachi checking in, miss everyone so much. Just passed the 10th year. Seems impossible! But life is good and weird and wonderful. Hope also to hear from everyone! Marie

The eight year club! I miss this forum. Not sure why I don't check in more often. My bizarro world. Like everyone else, I suppose, but I checked in tonight and see all my familiar peeps, in my 8 year club. Well, here's to Craig, Donnie Awesome, Josh-you-wa, Jeff, Tyler, Fal, Dave, Gord and Ed. Say their name out loud. Someone who loved them will smile.

I am reminded of an old thread. Couldn't find it here, perhaps it was from the old board, but someone, I think Maureen, posted a song on facebook, that had a line in it, "won't somebody say your name" and it brought that thread to my memory. His name was Craig, and he pronounced it in the way his mother would have said it, with a long A, and a rolling r. I don't hear his name out loud so often anymore. I will say it today, I think.

From the time I was a little girl, I believed I felt the presence of God in my life. I wasn't sure what it was. Through christian indoctrination I came to believe that it was the Holy Spirit. My faith waxed and waned over the years. I strived to learn and try to understand the mysteries. When I married, my husband was the completest of agnostics. He was a great defender of Christianity, which I found both ironic and endearing. He was curious, and had no religious upbringing at all, but never declared any belief. He let me attend to the religious "training" of our children. I was a deacon at the time of his death and the fellowship of the church was a comfort to me, but I found myself growing distant from the church body. I still feel the presence, but it sustains me in a different way and I don't have the capacity to be part of the congregation anymore. That may change, I don't know. I do know that I no longer feel I have to put any kind of label on the oneness I feel with creation. I truly believe that "religion" is a man-made concept. I believe the creator made us beings with a longing for a deep connection. I think it is how humans understand love. Of course, I could be full of shit. LOL

It is a tough situation for so many. A milestone to be sure. But for me, when my son was a senior, we had just lost our home to a fire, and he was going through a very tough time. I was crushed that he didn't want to "graduate" with his class. He said, "mama, I hated every minute I was there this year. Why on earth do I want to go back for that?" I'm sorry, I don't mean to hijack, or diminish what your seniors are feeling, but I know it was way worse for me as a mom than it was for him. I hope your children find a way to celebrate their acheivements.

Dear Katrina, I know you won't believe this, but you will find out who you are. You will find your identity as you move through this unbelievable time. You won't find it overnight, but little bit of who you are will pop up and you will say to yourself "I remember her!" Hang in there

Hi, I am Marie, I was 52 when my husband died from esophogeal cancer with mets to the bones. This time of social distancing for me has been easier than the isolation of losing a mate to cancer. The isolation I felt then was staggering. Incomprehensible. I didn't understand it at all. These days, I realize that I don't have to go anywhere to be connected to the people I love. Technology has made that easy. I don't feel the need to run out in the snowstorm because I feel confined. I am ok with staying away. Staying home. But staying connected. Thanks Maureen, for the jumpstart, I hope others check in.

Hi VIcky, I am so sorry you are going through this, I know for me, going back to work was a good distraction for me and I can't imagine being isolated at such a time. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. I know the board has been pretty quiet. Hopefully others will chime in. Marie

HI Bunny, I am so sorry about this and can relate to what you are going through. My guy just had a lung biopsy that is negative, but is likely to be an ongoing issue with the plueral lining. He was exposed to asbestos a number of years ago and it seem this is related. While I love him and will support him in what ever he decides to so, I feel very fatalistic as well that I will go out of this world alone. I am mostly OK with that, and trying not to let it color how I am part of a couple. There are days though, where I just feel a little lost. Uggh, the new normal. Tight hugs. Marie

As a widow in a relationship with someone who is not a widower, I would agree, that while this forum may be a wealth of information to someone dating a widow/widower, it is not an appropriate place for seeking advice from said widow/widowers. This is a place where we should not have to defend or explain ourselves to those who "DGI" - to coin a controversial acronym. It is our safe zone. I have often read excepts from the forum to my NG, but I would feel like he was reading my diary if he just got on here and read our most personal thoughts and experiences. My advice to Stephen.... read to your hearts content. You will see how different everyone's experience is. My NG had to deal with living in the moment with me for quite a long time before I could say out loud that he was/is my chapter 2. Does that make him better than you? Maybe more persistent. Maybe he was in a different place than you. Who knows. I know other wids who were never more sure of their chapter 2 right from the beginning. Some very early on in their widow walk. That wasn't me. That isn't your former girlfriend. Please excuse me for this last bit of advice as it has not been asked for, but I can't leave it unsaid. When I started posting in this forum, the last thing I wanted it to be, was a place where anyone but a widow/er would be lurking. If you do end up in a relationship with a widow, please respect this place as HER place. If you want to know what she is thinking, ask her. Don't snoop.

One thing that was important to me for these situtations was to have an escape plan. If your brother is staying with you, try to have a place where he can go off to for a moment, an hour, or just for the rest of the event if necessary. If he does dissappear into this place, give him some time. If you feel the need to check on him, just do that, let him know it's ok to be by himself for as long as he needs. It is great to be around people who can understand this and let you walk through your grief in whatever way you need to. Don't worry about the right words, there aren't any.

Maureen, I have read this post at least a dozen times. There are no words. My refuge has been the mountains. I hope you find the joy in the present you are seeking. Marie

I didn't know this man, but I continue to be stunned and amazed at how some relationships we form can change our lives. In the brief time you knew this man, your life was impacted so much. There are a handful of people here whom I have been sharing posts with for years, yet have only been in their presence a handful of times. You all have had a great part of continuing to shape my world view, and I treasure these relationships so much, in spite of the physical distances between us. Thank you Maureen and Sandrine2279 for keeping the memory of this man alive.

Hoping to make this if it is still on. My plans are mostly centered around the weather. I will be up north hiking and plan to come on my way back. Or if the weather is crappy on Friday, and the hike is later, then I would come on my way up. If the weather is a complete bust for the weekend then I am wide open! LOL

Hmmm, do we need to reschedule this?

I'm still in! Maureen, when are you leaving? Something has to happen before then!