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Everything posted by hachi

  1. hachi

    2020 High School Seniors

    It is a tough situation for so many. A milestone to be sure. But for me, when my son was a senior, we had just lost our home to a fire, and he was going through a very tough time. I was crushed that he didn't want to "graduate" with his class. He said, "mama, I hated every minute I was there this year. Why on earth do I want to go back for that?" I'm sorry, I don't mean to hijack, or diminish what your seniors are feeling, but I know it was way worse for me as a mom than it was for him. I hope your children find a way to celebrate their acheivements.
  2. Dear Katrina, I know you won't believe this, but you will find out who you are. You will find your identity as you move through this unbelievable time. You won't find it overnight, but little bit of who you are will pop up and you will say to yourself "I remember her!" Hang in there
  3. Hi, I am Marie, I was 52 when my husband died from esophogeal cancer with mets to the bones. This time of social distancing for me has been easier than the isolation of losing a mate to cancer. The isolation I felt then was staggering. Incomprehensible. I didn't understand it at all. These days, I realize that I don't have to go anywhere to be connected to the people I love. Technology has made that easy. I don't feel the need to run out in the snowstorm because I feel confined. I am ok with staying away. Staying home. But staying connected. Thanks Maureen, for the jumpstart, I hope others check in.
  4. Hi VIcky, I am so sorry you are going through this, I know for me, going back to work was a good distraction for me and I can't imagine being isolated at such a time. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. I know the board has been pretty quiet. Hopefully others will chime in. Marie
  5. hachi

    A Return To Car Crying

    HI Bunny, I am so sorry about this and can relate to what you are going through. My guy just had a lung biopsy that is negative, but is likely to be an ongoing issue with the plueral lining. He was exposed to asbestos a number of years ago and it seem this is related. While I love him and will support him in what ever he decides to so, I feel very fatalistic as well that I will go out of this world alone. I am mostly OK with that, and trying not to let it color how I am part of a couple. There are days though, where I just feel a little lost. Uggh, the new normal. Tight hugs. Marie
  6. hachi

    Dating

    As a widow in a relationship with someone who is not a widower, I would agree, that while this forum may be a wealth of information to someone dating a widow/widower, it is not an appropriate place for seeking advice from said widow/widowers. This is a place where we should not have to defend or explain ourselves to those who "DGI" - to coin a controversial acronym. It is our safe zone. I have often read excepts from the forum to my NG, but I would feel like he was reading my diary if he just got on here and read our most personal thoughts and experiences. My advice to Stephen.... read to your hearts content. You will see how different everyone's experience is. My NG had to deal with living in the moment with me for quite a long time before I could say out loud that he was/is my chapter 2. Does that make him better than you? Maybe more persistent. Maybe he was in a different place than you. Who knows. I know other wids who were never more sure of their chapter 2 right from the beginning. Some very early on in their widow walk. That wasn't me. That isn't your former girlfriend. Please excuse me for this last bit of advice as it has not been asked for, but I can't leave it unsaid. When I started posting in this forum, the last thing I wanted it to be, was a place where anyone but a widow/er would be lurking. If you do end up in a relationship with a widow, please respect this place as HER place. If you want to know what she is thinking, ask her. Don't snoop.
  7. One thing that was important to me for these situtations was to have an escape plan. If your brother is staying with you, try to have a place where he can go off to for a moment, an hour, or just for the rest of the event if necessary. If he does dissappear into this place, give him some time. If you feel the need to check on him, just do that, let him know it's ok to be by himself for as long as he needs. It is great to be around people who can understand this and let you walk through your grief in whatever way you need to. Don't worry about the right words, there aren't any.
  8. hachi

    10 years

    Maureen, I have read this post at least a dozen times. There are no words. My refuge has been the mountains. I hope you find the joy in the present you are seeking. Marie
  9. hachi

    We have lost one of our own

    I didn't know this man, but I continue to be stunned and amazed at how some relationships we form can change our lives. In the brief time you knew this man, your life was impacted so much. There are a handful of people here whom I have been sharing posts with for years, yet have only been in their presence a handful of times. You all have had a great part of continuing to shape my world view, and I treasure these relationships so much, in spite of the physical distances between us. Thank you Maureen and Sandrine2279 for keeping the memory of this man alive.
  10. Hoping to make this if it is still on. My plans are mostly centered around the weather. I will be up north hiking and plan to come on my way back. Or if the weather is crappy on Friday, and the hike is later, then I would come on my way up. If the weather is a complete bust for the weekend then I am wide open! LOL
  11. hachi

    Wells Maine - June 14 - 16

    Hmmm, do we need to reschedule this?
  12. hachi

    Wells Maine - June 14 - 16

    I'm still in! Maureen, when are you leaving? Something has to happen before then!
  13. hachi

    Widowed 5-9-19

    Hello Gemma, Welcome to Widda and to the club that no one wants to join. This place is full of tips, and ideas, but ultimately everyone is different. You will surely find someone here you can relate to, perhaps on the same timeline as you, perhaps a little further along. For now, just know you are not alone, and that you will wake up everyday and move forward in some way. Sometimes it will be a great victory that you could take a shower and walk to the mailbox. Just be kind to yourself, try to stay hydrated and if someone wants to help you, try to let them.
  14. I sort of disagree about feelings. I think feelings are what they are. Understanding your feelings and acting according to that understanding about yourself and others is a whole other story. I have had similar feelings when NG is busy and doesn't always let me know what his schedule is. I worry (his work can be dangerous) and I feel a little taken for granted that I am waiting around. We have talked about this, and he is a little better about letting me know if he is going to be later than expected.This goes a long way in me "feeling" that my time has value. But we wouldn't have gotten here if we hadn't explored the feelings. He called, presumably as soon as he woke up and realized what happened. And you said you knew how tired he was. Seems straightforward. I don't think it warrants a deep heart to heart, but if you tell him how you felt in the hours you were waiting, well, maybe next time, the expectations would be set a little different. "I'm going to shower, but I am tired. Let me call you after and if I feel like I need to lay down, maybe we should try for a different night..." Something like that. Not expressing feelings in a contructive way can lead to resentment, and resentment is the ultimate relationship killer.
  15. I think I might be outside the bell curve. It will be seven years, and while I don't outwardly flinch anymore, in my head, I can't believe he isn't sitting on the deck waiting for me to arrive just in time for the sunset. I keep thinking that someday, I will just smile at the memory, instead of suppressing the gut punch I still feel.
  16. Fuck joy snatchers and their inability to be happy for people when good things happen to them.
  17. hachi

    My very own Widow Island

    Helen, It is so wonderful to hear from you! I was actually thinking about you not so long ago when a bunch of us got together! I am so uplifted by your post and my main question is this? Is Muck big enough for a BAGO?!? 1. Hearing a wonderful update from Helen 2. Yes, sun, finally! 3. My cherry tree has bloomed for the first time since it was planted. So pretty
  18. hachi

    Getting Rid of His/Her Clothes

    I could see if you had spent a few sessions with him and he noticed that seeing these things was upsetting to you, but sometimes people have set ideas about how to handle grief, and everyones path is so different. You have to find out for yourself what is helpful and what harms you. A therapist should be a guide, not a director. I am glad he helped you with other things, and I suppose his reaction was reasonable when he suggested soemthing different, but in my mind, he was still suggesting you take steps that you don't seem ready to take.
  19. hachi

    Getting Rid of His/Her Clothes

    This is a perfectly fine solution. I echo everyone else's sentiment. I am not sure what kind of therapist would argue that memores are not a good thing. Sounds a bit pushy and out of line to me. Is this your first visit with the therapist? I am not sure I would invest much time in someone who would shut me down like that...
  20. hachi

    Probate court

    Hi Melissa, I am not a lawyer, but not everything has to be probated. It really depends on the laws of the state and the form of ownership of the house. If you owned the house jointly, with rights of survivorship then the house passes to you outside of probate, as does insurance policies. Probate would come into play if your name is not on the deed of the property. I am sorry you have to go through this. If the estate is large, or there is substantial debt, you may want to consult a lawyer.
  21. hachi

    Wells Maine - June 14 - 16

    This will be fun!
  22. hachi

    Ashby MA, Flash Bago

    Thanks again, L2F, for hosting. You have a lovely and interesting home. Everything about this weekend was wonderful. XO
  23. hachi

    When to go back to work

    Hi Melissa, i am sorry that you have to face this decision. Yes, everyone is different. For me, after being an extreme caregiver, I could not just bump around an empty house. I went back to work immediately, but I had a job with a private office, and honestly had days where the door was closed and I just stared at the computer. I think it was the right choice for me, but you know yourself better than anyone else. I know many who stopped working and ended up even changing careers entirely. I am glad you found us, this site has been a great place of friendship, advice and support. Marie
  24. hachi

    Emotions always so close to the edge...

    I feel this way as well. It is as though I just can't go there because I believe that if do, I will never stop weeping.
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