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  1. So sorry for your loss, Sunsetmojito. My husband died of Stage IV kidney cancer so I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. We had a memorial that included pictures, my husband's favorite music, his artwork, a memory box for people to write down their precious moments with him, along with a lunch in a clubhouse setting. It was a nice easy going setting. He wouldn't have wanted us to be sad. We obviously weren't happy but we made the best of it. My kids were 5 and 3 at the time. It took me a while to breakdown. It was a blur in the beginning with a side of did this really happen?? You are in the right place. We will hold you up. We all get it.
  2. Eddienhp

    For those further along (5+years)

    I am coming up on 7 years and I still have trouble believing it. Not a day goes by without my husband on my mind at least once a day. I was in a daze the first year. I know 9 months and 18 months were very difficult. My brain clarity seemed to come back at 2 years. My creativity came back at 3 years. I felt ok at 4 - 6 years; not happy yet not sad. At just about 7 years I feel my new life moving forward. I had a very difficult financial situation to work out that took 6 years so my grief was on the slow track. The debt was renegotiated now I am working on rebuilding income. It was a very long road. I finally feel free. I can see good things coming. I have not dated; haven't even tried. My kids are now 8 and 12. One has special needs. I have a full platter not just a full plate. I think of recoupling; even dating. Maybe one day. If it happens it would be nice. If it doesn't, I can handle it. I know I don't "need" someone. I doubt I would marry again because its to legally complicated with children especially one with special needs. I am just grateful I had the time I did with my husband. I wish our children had more time with him. We are healthy, happy and have our basic needs met. Its really all I could ask for given the situation we found ourselves in. We all walk at our own pace. For some of us it takes longer to recoup. For others it may be faster. I have had to go slow due to my circumstances. I feel it worked better for me. Best Wishes, Eileen
  3. Eddienhp

    almost 5 years out

    JS so sorry for your loss. Its 6-1/2 years for me. I think of my husband every day too. My children were 5 and 2 then. They have grown quite a bit since then. We have learned how to function as a family without a dad although it is very hard sometimes. My heart breaks for them every time I see them grieve. Single parenting is a huge task. I have met over the years two young adults who shared that they lost one of their parents at a young age. They calmed my fears of growing up without one of your parents. They were well adjusted, responsible young adults. I was grateful they shared as they gave me hope for the future. My best to you and your children, Eileen
  4. Eddienhp

    Did she know of her fate?

    I know two weeks before my husband died, he just had to get something done. It was unusual behavior for him. I was always curious as to what made him behave in that way. Was it premonition? Was it a nudge from above? I do find it intriguing because had he not completed the task, our lives would be very different today. I know he didn't want to die and fought hard to live so I am not sure I believe he knew he was dying. I have found over the years there are specific times where I just felt I had to do something. It was like I could not rest until it was complete. Those events turned out to have significant impact on our lives. In our case, I feel it is guidance from above. Maybe Rhonda dreamed of her mother's cancer. Maybe it was a glimpse of Rhonda's future but she wasn't sure it was she who would be stricken with cancer. I don't know if you will ever get answers to those questions. I never gained insight as to why my husband was to adamant about getting this one task done before he died. I do feel my husband left this earth when it was his time. Now l can see why he might not have been meant to continue with us. As much as we want him back, there was nothing we could do to keep him here. I hope you find some peace Steve. Eileen
  5. There was a special lady, actually an angel who walked earth who passed away recently. Another one lost too early. She singlehandedly changed the course of my son's life. She was an educator who chose to advocate for my son. My son has blossomed in every way possible because she generously shared her talent and time. She really went out of her way for us. I am so truly grateful to her. There hasn't been any funeral arrangements announced. I have been in brief contact with her husband and daughter. I hope I am able to attend the memorial as it is at least 2 hours away. Life is so not easy being a widowed parent with young children especially when one child has special needs. Thanks for everything Linda. I will always remember you. Now it is my turn to help your family as you have helped mine.
  6. Eddienhp

    Texts from the grave

    Somehow when I text something to myself it appears on the mac computer as coming from my husband. I am sure its settings somewhere that can be changed. I don't want to change them yet every time I see a text with his name I get excited then am on the verge of tears for a while. Its crazy. I can avoid the pain by changing the settings. Yet I can't bring myself to actually change them. UGH!!!
  7. Eddienhp

    Six Years Today

    I love this. This is exactly where I am.
  8. Welcome Heather. You didn't want to have to join us but I am sure you are glad you found us. The memories of the last days/hours will fade. I was told that and I didn't really believe it until I saw it for myself. It is hard to comprehend the loss of a spouse. Grief like a wave pool. It can wipe you out. When it does, rest. You will need the rest. Cry. As much as it hurts, it actually does help. Take it minute by minute, then it will become hour by hour followed by days, weeks and unfortunately, years. I am just under 7 years out. The fact that it is 7 is hard to comprehend. I am left with gratitude and the occasional twinge of pain. I feel blessed I knew my husband and I was lucky to have him in my life. I think of him everyday but the pain is no longer there. I only feel it when my children say they miss him or I am having a tough time. Hang in there. You are in the right place with people who get it. Eileen
  9. Eddienhp

    The second year seems harder.

    I remember being in a daze the first year. The second year was a rude awakening that it was not a dream. I seemed to feel the pain more. Rather than be in shock I was more aware of his absence and all the things I missed about him. It got better as time went on but I can be reduced to tears and sadness given the right circumstances.
  10. Eddienhp

    I miss being loved

    Yep, I can relate. Almost 7 years. I still can't believe it even though I live it.
  11. Eddienhp

    Father's Day #6

    First off, I want to wish all the Fathers here a happy Father's Day. Its great to take a day to honor our dads and what they mean to us. Personally, Father's Day presents a challenge for our family. My 11 and 8 year olds haven't had a dad for 6+ years. They don't remember being with him yet they grieve him not being around. My daughter told me she had to make a father's day card for her principal because she doesn't have a dad and the only other father figure she had needed to be removed from her life permanently. The "other" father figure was my son's aide. That "other" father figure was arrested for abusing a disabled person and now has to be registered as an offender so all contact had to be severed. It sucks that these kids don't have a male figure in their life. Eileen
  12. I have a male friend who visits occasionally when he is in town for business. The relationship is solely platonic. My kids adore him. He is pleasant to have around. That said, after he leaves, its like the bandaid gets ripped off and the grief comes back. During his visits I clearly see all that we are missing; a husband, a dad, companionship, etc. My 8 year old daughter even asked me why I didn't find someone new. I know she would love to have a dad like figure in her life. Both of my kids want that. I just don't see it for me. I hardly have free time as I work full time and spend my nights/weekends raising the children. 6+ years out and I am still being hammered by grief. I even stood in front of my husband's picture talking to him, asking why he had to leave, that I missed him and wished he were here. He did send a sign later on during the day. An unmistakable one that I could not discount. I am forever grateful for the signs. It just sucks my kids don't get to have a dad and I don't get to have a companion. Eileen
  13. Eddienhp

    Rambling about missing her

    This is where we can share these types of things. We all get it. Hopefully your son will find supports and tools to help him manage his depression. I am developing a new business which is very complex. How I wish I had my husband around to consult with. Oddly enough I do see and feel his presence. I keep finding dimes which is his signal. I appreciate them but wish he were here so I could talk to him. May you find peace and comfort.
  14. Eddienhp

    OT Prayers please

    Sending prayers for all of you. May he have a smooth recovery. My mom survived a double stroke with minimal long term effects. Believe in miracles. Eileen
  15. Eddienhp

    Having a week

    Yikes, Virgo! That is a lot!! I've been having a nerve wracking week but in such a different way. I have actually been pushed to the point of nervous anxiety twice which I have never experienced. Hopefully the car is an adjustment or easy fix. My car is 14 years old. The engine light kept going on. It was an oxygen sensor so it could be repaired. I can't imagine the workload in a 12 day course. I took a summer course which was a month and I swore I would never do it again. Is there anyway to put a temporary patch on the water heater to hold you over till the new one gets installed? I hope it all works out for you. Eileen

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